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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dd should take some things less seriously

105 replies

CosyRubyDreamer · 21/02/2025 23:42

dd (16) has a tendency to take things literally (I have always suspected her to be neurodivergent and have been open to her about it, but there is just no need for a diagnosis). But this is besides the point.

She is a very fair person and really emphasizes on being kind with words and I'm proud of her. However, she struggles to fit in with most of the teenagers at her school and wider circle because of that.

For example, she ghosted a guy she was gonna date and a friend because they jokingly told someone to kill themselves as part of banter. dd privately texted them separately telling them why they shouldn't say that and tried to make them promise not to say anything like that before. They both said something along the lines of " are you the type to cry at the movies". She ended up losing a friendship and potential relationship. They are both nice to her normally and good friends.

While I wholeheartedly agree with dd and am proud of her for calling them out, I have told her that maybe she should let things slide next time. I don't want her to get left out.

OP posts:
Longma · 22/02/2025 08:37

It is all mainly about words people use-- like jokingly calling someone a "fatty" and joking about acne, sweat, etc.

I think your daughter's making the right choice.

These people sound horrible, bullying types tbh. Nit the type of people I'd want my teenager hanging out with!

None of these things are jokes.

strongswan · 22/02/2025 08:39

It is all mainly about words people use-- like jokingly calling someone a "fatty" and joking about acne, sweat, etc.

That's not banter it's bullying and could do a lot of damage. Your daughter sounds like she has some solid morals and I would be proud of her. She will eventually find her people. Maybe you should look to her as an example.

toomuchfaff · 22/02/2025 08:54

Your daughter is doing better than you are with her stance and boundaries on what she is willing to accept and tolerate in her friendships and wider circles.

Your views were marred by the misogynistic "pick me" type perspective, don't be seen to go against the grain, accept toxic bullying and abuse disguised as "banter" and retorts such as "stop being a baby, you're too sensitive " because then at least you'll be seen as part of the crowd. No.

Well done to daughter, everything you've posted as a negative which you believe will go against her is a massive positive. She is doing amazingly well.

You need to rethink your perspective. Why in hell would you want your daughter to even be associated with these types of people just because they exist in the friendship circle and may be popular.

PrancerandDancer · 22/02/2025 08:59

WrylyAmused · 22/02/2025 01:22

Maybe she thinks having the right sort of friends is better than lowering her standards to be friends /have a relationship with anyone who wants to at any cost.

Frankly, given the posts we see on here every day, good on her for having ethics, standards and living them.

If more women stood up against (where safe to do so) or voted with their feet against unacceptable behaviour, perhaps it would be less widely accepted and made excuses for.

She'll find her tribe later if she doesn't find it as a teen, but it's much harder to raise your bar once you've lowered it, so good on her.

This 100%

It was not banter, it's an awful thing to say.

Also, their response when she questioned them on it was not nice. Definitely wouldn't be encouraging her to date someone like that.

I get maybe their response was defensive and maybe they will reflect on it after.

Your DD sounds amazing OP, don't let her loose her standards and integrity.

Wingingitnancy · 22/02/2025 09:04

Your DD has boundaries, she notified them privately she found it an insensitive offensive comment, they responded by taking the mick out of her. She was correct to terminate a friendship with someone whose values don't align with hers. Being comfortable by yourself is better longterm then being around people that make you uncomfortable, over time that chips away at your confidence.

BlueSilverCats · 22/02/2025 09:07

How far would you be willing for her to go in order to keep friendships and be seen as "cool"? Racism? Homophobia? Any other isms?

Or is it just bullying that's ok as long as it can be disguised by "banter"?

Bakedpotatoes · 22/02/2025 09:08

CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 08:17

It is all mainly about words people use-- like jokingly calling someone a "fatty" and joking about acne, sweat, etc.

Show quote history

I don't think this is funny at all and I would be proud of my ND child if they did the same. Making fun of people's appearance and telling them to kill themselves is vile.

It may be seen as 'banter' by you but if someone is overweight, acne ridden, sweaty even if they dish something back this can leave awful scars for the rest of their lives and IS bullying. I would be encouraging different friendships where the kids aren't like this - I wasn't like this as a teenager and neither were any of my friends.

randoname · 22/02/2025 09:12

TheGreatFlim · 21/02/2025 23:51

Or you could see her ‘fairness’ as humourlessness and a tendency to hector people? Not the way to keep friends, whstever one calls it.

There are worse ways to be and behave. DD1 once lost a whole cohort of peers on the first day at a new school calling out something similar. 10 years on she has amazing solid supportive friends. She did the right thing.

randoname · 22/02/2025 09:14

Wow just read the ops updates.
@CosyRubyDreamer your dd has a better moral framework than you. Learn from her.

Lostworlds · 22/02/2025 09:15

I think your recent update about some other poor taste ‘banter’ are more examples of why she is more mature, not that she’s too serious.

These are not jokes, it’s not banter, I’d be proud of my dd if she stepped back from the so called friends who called people those names and even more proud for her explaining to them why they shouldn’t say things like that.

She might not seem ‘cool’ by their standards but it seems like their standards are lacking anyway and really not that big of a deal.

AlleyRose · 22/02/2025 09:26

I understand your point OP. My DD is 18 and has a VERY strong moral compass. While I'm extremely proud of her, she has cut people off whose behaviour has left her unimpressed. To be honest, it's left her fairly isolated and lonely sometimes.

I wish she could just occasionally 'let things go' for her own sake.

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 09:35

randoname · 22/02/2025 09:14

Wow just read the ops updates.
@CosyRubyDreamer your dd has a better moral framework than you. Learn from her.

I understand your point OP. My DD is 18 and has a VERY strong moral compass. While I'm extremely proud of her, she has cut people off whose behaviour has left her unimpressed. To be honest, it's left her fairly isolated and lonely sometimes.
I wish she could just occasionally 'let things go' for her own sake.

@AlleyRose thank you

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 22/02/2025 09:36

AlleyRose · 22/02/2025 09:26

I understand your point OP. My DD is 18 and has a VERY strong moral compass. While I'm extremely proud of her, she has cut people off whose behaviour has left her unimpressed. To be honest, it's left her fairly isolated and lonely sometimes.

I wish she could just occasionally 'let things go' for her own sake.

Maybe, just maybe it's better to be lonely on a random Tuesday/Saturday night than be surrounded by people who have chipped away at your strong moral compass that it is now just a circle and you don't know who you are anymore?

Even worse, because you have low confidence, you join in the behaviours (pick me, pick me) and start exhibiting them yourself?

I know which I'd prefer (as an outsider), there are billions of people in this world, meeting new ones is a piece of cake, just have to step out your door (figuratively).

Isolation isn't unsurmountable.

randoname · 22/02/2025 09:42

What’s your fear OP?
Is she definitely going to living at home for ever (SN or you live somewhere isolated?)
If she’s likely to leave home for university/ work/ travelling I’d just point out she’ll find her tribe and support her.

Tia86 · 22/02/2025 09:42

The updates make it worse. I would be glad my daughter doesn't want to be friends with people like this.
I really don't understand why you want her to be friends with them.
Based on what you have said, I expect they have unkind names for your daughter too.

Sassybooklover · 22/02/2025 09:44

I understand where you are coming from. You want her to call out people if their behaviour is poor... absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, asking two teenagers, who are her peers, to promise to not use the words again, is a step too far. Not because she's incorrect, she's right it isn't words they should be using towards others. However, these two teenagers, are her peers, she can't 'make' them behave in a particular way, and asking them to not use the phrase again, is telling them how to behave. It won't be appreciated, which it clearly wasn't and she will be pushed away. If she'd had called out the behaviour and said why it was wrong and left it at that, it's possible they'd have seen the error of their ways without her saying anything further. No teen is going to accept another teen telling them how to behave (even if they are right!).

Annettecurtaintwitcher · 22/02/2025 09:47

Your DD has a very strong moral compass, this is admirable and she is clearly wise beyond her years. This may not make her the most popular person in her teenage years but it will later on. I wish I had had the courage to stand up for my convictions when I was a teenager instead of trying to blend in.

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 09:51

Sassybooklover · 22/02/2025 09:44

I understand where you are coming from. You want her to call out people if their behaviour is poor... absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, asking two teenagers, who are her peers, to promise to not use the words again, is a step too far. Not because she's incorrect, she's right it isn't words they should be using towards others. However, these two teenagers, are her peers, she can't 'make' them behave in a particular way, and asking them to not use the phrase again, is telling them how to behave. It won't be appreciated, which it clearly wasn't and she will be pushed away. If she'd had called out the behaviour and said why it was wrong and left it at that, it's possible they'd have seen the error of their ways without her saying anything further. No teen is going to accept another teen telling them how to behave (even if they are right!).

She only made them promise when this has happened more than once, but honestly I would prefer her just not doing it like every time.

OP posts:
Gillyyy · 22/02/2025 09:57

You sound like the kind of person who would see someone being bullied and look the other way so you can fit in.

That’s essentially what you’re advising your daughter to do.

BlueSilverCats · 22/02/2025 10:06

@CosyRubyDreamer unless she's coming crying to you that she’s unhappy and lonely and expecting you to fix it, then leave her alone.

You seem more worried about her being popular than the fact that her friends sound like arseholes. Priorities woman...priorities.

bridgetreilly · 22/02/2025 10:09

She is not you. She makes her own choices. You can discuss the consequences of those choices, but she doesn’t have to do things your way.

Rugbyrover · 22/02/2025 10:15

How is your dd both 16 and 18?
you know a lot of detail about these teens, what they say to each other, whether they're joking when they say it. It's unusual for a parent to know all this.

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 10:16

Rugbyrover · 22/02/2025 10:15

How is your dd both 16 and 18?
you know a lot of detail about these teens, what they say to each other, whether they're joking when they say it. It's unusual for a parent to know all this.

She is 16. The paragraph about the 18 yo is copied from another poster

OP posts:
CleanShirt · 22/02/2025 10:20

CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 08:17

It is all mainly about words people use-- like jokingly calling someone a "fatty" and joking about acne, sweat, etc.

Show quote history

This has to be a fucking joke.

You're a horrible person if you think words like this are funny. Your daughter sounds like a much better person that you.

Original poster
CosyRubyDreamer · 22/02/2025 10:30

CleanShirt · 22/02/2025 10:20

This has to be a fucking joke.

You're a horrible person if you think words like this are funny. Your daughter sounds like a much better person that you.

Show quote history

It's not funny to me but it typically is to teenagers

OP posts: