Blind sided at work and don't know what to do next

[katedan]

I have been struggling for a while at work for a few months, lots of pressure but I work very hard and very long hours and thought I was a good manager. Today I was given feedback from my manager in relation to the people I manage,s feedback about me as a manager and it was brutal!!! Lots of negative feedback about me as a manager. I fell apart on my manager and currently see no way back. I know I could get signed off ( have not taken a day's sick in 5 years I have been there). I cannot stop crying and feel awful i sacrificed my own kids and my home to give 100% to this job and although I am not perfect I always felt I was a good manager. Please advise me as I have to face everyone Monday morning knowing what they have said.

This feedback is easily addressable in most circumstances. As is common with most employees they want coaching, they want challenging work and your support in doing the tasks you set them. In short, they want managing. This is also in your interest. The more you develop them, the less you will becoming abut how hard you are working, and the easier your job will become.

Whether you know it or not, you seem like somebody who doesn’t trust the staff that work for them, and who gets their rewards from keeping the best work to yourself, even if it’s too much for you. You haven’t progressed from worker (doing the work) to manager (which is a supervisory role managing a high-performing team who do most the work).

As I said, if the staff are competent and / or have potential this is addressable. Hold an open meeting with everyone and acknowledge the feedback, don’t be defensive, admit it. Blame yourself, set a vision of where you want the team to be in 12 months time and what steps you need everyone to take to get there. Be clear as to what they need to do and what you need to do, and hold people accountable for delivery. Hold regular progress meetings to discuss what is going right and what isn’t.

You have lost their trust and you must be an authentic leader to earn it back.

Start challenging your boss on the fact you don't have time for 1 to 1 meetings. Block time out of your calendar and decline meetings that cross over any 1 to 1 meetings. I would also block out your lunch even if it's only for half an hour. You're doing too much and need to cut it back. Don't worry about Monday take some time on sick leave, you sound very stressed. You need to get a grip on your working week and btw, tell your staff, no time off on 1 to 1 days. All the best.

At least you care. When my mother got negative fees at work she fired subordinates and managed to get rid of peers. We would hear the play by play. Scary.

I have never worked anywhere as unsupportive as where I am in the NHS, and guess that social care is often similar. But the feedback does not look that awful? OP, is it possible you feel very sensitive about it because a. you are over extended constantly and b. you are trying so hard to help that anything other that gratitude feels like a kick in the teeth? Could you drop some parts of your job? Could you talk to your boss about what they want you to drop so you have more time to do the things you have been asked to do? IME, there are a lot of health and social care teams with completely unrealistic expectations.

I also work in Social care. My previous manager was a lovely person but a perfectionist, and micro manager. She easily worked 60/70 hours a week. At one point she even helped a colleague complete visits. She was over looked for promotion numerous times ( in the teams opinion because she was too useful where she was) I changed local authorities and my current manager is the polar opposite- also a lovely person but so laid back might as well be horizontal.
It might be helpful to reflect on what your own management style is and consider if you need to plan in a morning/ day team building.
I dont think the feedback is terrible. Hopefully it was balanced with positives.
Please dont sacrifice your own life for the sake of the job- I was nearly sucked into that hole under the micro manager.

I'm going to ask if you are doing too much yourself, rather than investing in your team and getting them to shoulder more of the burden. I have heard this sort of feedback many times before and, without fail, the manager is always hanging on to too many tasks themselves. You may not think this consciously, but on some level you believe the work has to be done by you if it is going to be done to the best standard. But the people who succeed best in my long experience push responsibility down. They invest heavily in the growth and development of their team. Those who fail to do this create their own ceiling and never lessen their workload.

It sounds like the whole team (OP included) have an unmanageable workload and are just firefighting. What field do you work in?
It might be that you need to work with your manger to carve out capacity in your workload to be more available to the team.
I agree with previous comment about having a written format for 1:1s, recording what was discussed.
I used to manage a team like this and they would repeatedly bring up the same points at 1:1s, and find some flimsy reason why they hadn't actioned what was agreed. They basically equated support with me taking on their tasks.
Maybe prioritise the 1:1s in your diary, but also record everything and if they are not showing the level of independent decision making you would expect, flag it as a training issue/area for development??

OP as others point out you seem to lack some perspective- the feedback isn’t all doom and gloom as it sounds from your first post. You can a) use it as leverage to reduce your meetings / tasks / whatever in the day needs to give and b) with a bit more ringfenced time, go deeper into the case work with your colleagues. They will feel heard and hopefully empowered and you’ll have improved in your role too.

Thank you for all of the comments, it was mumsnet at its best, really needed to get some perspective and great to hear from those who know the sector. It is tough and this came at the end of a week I was already struggling with.

Do you need to be in all those meetings? If you're a manager then making time for them is a big part of it. Could one or two of them shadow your meetings? Could you delegate some of your meetings? That might solve both problems

Never sacrifice anything in your personal life for your job, because, it's a sad truth that even if you are the best of the best, when it's all over they will give you some naff leaving present and you will be forgotten the week after next.

Work to live, not the other way round.

Sorry you have found this to the hard way OP, good luck.

360 feedback can be tough. But here you have a team who want more of your time and attention which is not a negative. And remember they really miss you when you are not there. To me it sounds as if you are pretty close to the end of your tether and feel isolated from your peers too and this is the last straw. But there are things you can do: 1. Keep a time diary for at least a fortnight. Then analyse exactly where your time is going. Then talk to your manager about changes. These could be changed in your workload or changes in how you do it. Remember the overarching priority is to ensure safe practice in the team. 2. If there are things you are behind with, organise a few days (one complete week) where you don't do meetings, people treat you as if you are on leave, and you catch up. Make sure you plan and write down exactly what you are going to do beforehand and then make sure you account for your time after. 3. Set aside certain hours every day where you don't have meetings, unless it's something like court that you really can't avoid. 9-10 every morning, maybe. Then your team know when you are likely to be there for queries etc. 4. Don't swallow the " lack of direction" feedback whole. If it's something they need to be directed on, fine, but their professional judgement is theirs, and you are relying on them to report clearly and accurately, including some clarity on what they think should happen and what they need from you. 5. Remember that having an older manager is a good thing especially when others are younger; it brings balance. Not all workers like young cool managers! But try and build up a base of people at work who are friends/allies. I used to take on mentoring of new first line women managers, or women who were ambitious, but it will be different for you. Just asking someone you like at work for coffee will help. 6. It's OK to be unhappy at the things you encounter. Sometimes my deputy and I used to have to stop driving because we were crying so much. It's a tough job. Don't sacrifice your family time, it's essential for you to be able to work. 7. If you really think your manager is trying to manage you out, ask them if they are, and if so why. Then think about negotiating a severance package if you don't want to stay. My bet is that they aren't, though. You're an experienced manager who works hard.

So those are all things that could be improved with more hours in the day and less work.
its not personal, just as managers give staff feedback we need it too as it helps us to improve.
tjose issues do sound more like they are a symptom of being an over run service

Please don’t be so hard on yourself - I am heartbroken for you. You sound like such a kind, caring person & have shown loads of top qualities I would want in a manager - you value them, you care about them & you want the best for them. When they said they missed you & didn’t realise how much you did for them, they meant it! Their main criticism seems to be about lack of time, but that is not your fault. Yes, by all means accept the feedback & act on it as far as possible, but don’t forget your strengths ❤️

You probably need to work out what’s going on.
Sometimes there can be one person in a team constantly stirring discontent with all the others especially in an environment as pressured as yours.
Sometimes your managers are unfairly overloading you.
I managed for many years. It was a learning curve. I didn’t always get it right. On one occasion my friend and colleague told me so in no uncertain terms. I needed that. It made me better.
Recently I’ve taken a job deliberately not at that jam-in-the-sandwich level. I’ve experienced several managers. Some ok, one brilliant, one awful. Things fell apart pretty rapidly with the awful one ( though they’d been let down and set up to fail by their managers tbh). It didn’t take 5 years for things to fall apart.
Take your time to think it over. Try not to let it knock your confidence. Try to work out what’s support your manager ( and theirs) need to give you going forward.
I have to say I’m not a fan of anonymous 360 degrees appraisals. I know they are a THING, but I believe they afford opportunity for people to be spiteful.
Good luck OP. Don’t just give up on the job or yourself.

This doesn't sound like personal feedback but frustration and stress on the part of everybody involved. You sound very stressed, which is not surprising given the workload within social care. Your staff are probably also struggling with their workloads and think they would like more support from you. The reality is that, if you have more meetings with them, they will probably start moaning that they don't have time to do the work because of the time they spend talking about it. They told you they missed you when you were away which shows that they like and respect you and appreciate how much you do. I think you need to request a meeting with your manager, show them a copy of your diary over a period of a month and ask for their help in working out what you can drop to give you the time you need with your team. Your manager showed poor management skills in just dumping negative comments on you without acknowledging that your workload is the problem. You are all in a no-win situation as there simply aren't enough staff to cope with the workload so you need to protect your own mental health first and foremost. Delegate any work you are doing that isn't actually your responsibility and drop any meetings you don't absolutely have to attend. You are understandably upset because you care about the work and your team so push back to your manager to help resolve it. They probably won't because staffing is the issue but they need to shoulder some of the pressure you are currently feeling. Go in on Monday with your head held high as you aren't a bad manager, just one of many who have unreasonable expectations and pressure on you.

The absolute hardest thing to do is to realize that our efforts aren't always appreciated. We often send signals and don't realize that the people we work with receive different messages than we think we are sending.

So first, deep breath. Second, is it worth sacrificing your family for this? I'm not saying quit, I'm saying reevaluate. What is your value, and what are your values? Get those straight.

I'd be tempted to take a mental health day. Be honest with your boss that you are processing what you've heard and you want to come back as your best self, but you need an extra day. There's nothing wrong with that.

Evaluate if the feedback is fair. This means getting out of your amygdala and into that beautiful pre-frontal cortex. Sit down with your boss and discuss their view. Do they think it's fair? Do you? Is there a mentorship program you could access? What changes does your boss want to see?

You have options. You can let this fold you under (and that is so tempting when your in it!) or you can let this forge you. It's long, it's hard, but this is one point in your employment history. You have time to get better at what you do.

Lastly, maybe ask your team how you can improve. Ask questions for each project: do you understand what I am asking about xyz project? Do you have questions? Have I been clear in my expectations? How can I better help you? Whatever applies to your field. Get specific about those questions as they pertain to the critique.

Your dignity isn't wrapped in the critique, it's in how you handle it when you get back. People don't realize respect is earned. You got this.

Great advice. I always say on my deathbed, I won't wish I'd worked more, but that I'd spent more time with friends and family.