He told me to find someone else to have babies with

[Jffs]

My husband and I have been together 13 years and married for 9. We have three teenage children between us from previous relationships (who I’m very grateful for every day) but we don’t have one together.

I’ve always wanted another child, my first partner was abusive and going through those pregnancies (being told to get out the house etc) wasn’t ideal. At the time, I remember being so in love with my unborn child and thinking this must be so incredible with someone who actually loves you. But my now husband has never wanted any more. I thought I had accepted this.

I went through an ordeal last year; a minor procedure led to an infection, an abscess and sepsis. They had to operate to save my life and remove my right fallopian tube upon which an 8cm abscess had attached itself.

Since then, I keep thinking about the child we haven’t had. I’m 47 with one remaining tube but regular periods (I got my period late at 16 and the first two arrived first time nothing was used). Maybe naively I think therefore it could still happen.

I am now dreaming about this baby. I said to my husband why don’t we just try and see? And he said “if you’re serious find someone else.”
He then didn’t understand when I burst into tears and said I wasn’t being serious. I see it as a massive insult that we’ve been together this long and he won’t even consider it for me.
am I being unreasonable?

The chances you could actually have a baby are vanishingly small and you are asking an enormous thing of your husband (and frankly, children), despite knowing he has never wanted another.

Then, after dropping this enormous suggestion on him and he rebuffs it, you say you weren’t being serious (so he must be wondering why you would play with his emotions like that) but it seems the reality is that you are serious and are cross with him for quite predictably not wanting to engage with the idea.

Gently, I think you need therapy to resolve your feelings of sadness about not having another child.

He made his stance clear from the get go. While you’re allowed to change your mind he doesn’t have to. And at least he isn’t bs-ing you and is straight forward with you.

@CheekyHobson no he said he thought I wasn’t being serious when I cried. I never said I wasn’t serious.

At 47, even without your history, your odds of conceiving spontaneously are very low. If you do conceive, this would be a high risk pregnancy. I agree, you need to worm on yourself and why you feel a need for a child now. It sounds like you have unresolved trauma.

Confronting our own mortality is frightening (and your recent health issues must have been dreadful) but you won’t escape by pretending you’re younger than you are, or that the last nine years of commitment to each other weren’t on the understanding that there would be no more babies.

How old is your DH?
.
You're very much at the 'end of the spectrum' for conceiving and DH has made his stance clear

Is this the first conversation you've had about adding to your children?

I mean, I can't blame him for not wanting to start over.

I see it as a massive insult that we’ve been together this long and he won’t even consider it for me.
but he has considered this. my now husband has never wanted any more. He would've considered it before he originally said this to you.

I think your thread title is a little disingenuous. Yes he did say it but it sounds like it was said in jest. If I said this to my OH at 37, never mind 47, he'd think I was joking and probably say something similar.

Ah you poor thing. I think you know the answer already. Be gentle on yourself for a bit.

You’re 47 and have teenagers. In the nicest possible way, the time for making babies has passed. I can totally understand your DH not wanting a baby. He’s probably looking forward to your kids being grown up.

you’re probably driven a bit by hormones and a feeling that time is running out. But do you really, really want a teenager in your 60s? Or supporting a young person through uni when you should be thinking about retirement? Really? It’s not just a pregnancy and a snuggly little baby. Also you can feel young and fit at 47, but not at all at 57. That was the case for my parents and their late baby suffered for it.

maybe get a puppy.

“you need therapy to resolve your feelings of sadness about not having another child.”

I agree. You are emotionally overwhelming yourself with this deep desire for a child. Even if your husband were in agreement and you were able to get pregnant, I doubt it would satisfy this longing.

Don’t risk hurting your marriage. Instead talk to an experienced Counsellor to try and get to the bottom of what is driving this.

Hi OP

He could have put his feelings more sensitively but with you being 47 and him (I’m guessing) around the same age, it was probably a bit of a shock.

Honestly, OP I think you would be taking a massive risk having another child at your age. There is an increased potential for the child to be born with one or more of a number of conditions - and you might not live long enough to provide family care once they are past their 20s.

This sounds related to you having an ovary removed, which is understandable - it’s thinking you may have 1 last chance.

While that may be true, you’ve also got 3 beautiful children who are in a stage of life where there is already a lot going on for them. Is a baby going to be good for them? You already know how your husband feels about it.

I think a bit of therapy might help you to reframe your thinking so that you can cope with not having another child.

Hope you can resolve this.

Sorry to be blunt but regular periods really means nothing when it comes to fertility at a certain age. I really struggled to get pregnant due to crappy egg quality at 37. Periods are like clockwork.

I see it as a massive insult that we’ve been together this long and he won’t even consider it for me.

He's already considered it and given you his answer.

If I was 47 and my husband burst into tears because I didn't want another baby, I'd also tell him he'll have to have one with someone else.

Because I certainly wouldn't be saying yes.

Kindly, op, yabvu

I hate siding with a straight man but his reaction is understandable

Any grandkids on the horizon?

Enjoy your life - a child will be so exhausting - do you really want another 18 years of parental responsibility?

❤️

I'm sorry but 47 is too old. It would be very unlikely (ignore celebrities they use donor eggs). You've also had 13 years where you could have had another child so ask yourself why now? Probably losing a tube/ hitting a final rush of hormones has made you want one now but I think YABU (kindly).

As it was agreed from the start that there would be no more children it is understandable that he thought you were not being serious.

It is a lot to ask of him - to tip an agreement on its head, to see you go through a high risk pregnancy when he has just watched you nearly die, to deal with the effect on the existing children, to face the prospect of parenting into his late 60s.

I can hear that you are hurt by his reaction. I am sure he did not literally mean that you should find someone else to have babies with - he was probably just reacting to what he saw as a preposterous idea.

I am grandmother age and I understand that moment when you finally realise there will be no more babies and that you have to say farewell to a phase of your life that you have enjoyed. Moving from one phase of life to another is part of being human and we will all find that hard. I hope you can come to terms with the situation and forgive him for his knee-jerk response and move on together.

Agree with pp. 47 is too old. Even if you could conceive, the risks would be high and you could easily have the child living at home into your 70's.

I see it as a massive insult that we’ve been together this long and he won’t even consider it for me.

Its no better of you though- he's been clear for that long he doesn't want more children so it's a insulting of you to suddenly expect him to.

He’s always been upfront from the beginning and clear and it’s neither his responsibly, nor that of a baby to rewrite your previously bad experiences of pregnancy. I think you need therapy to deal with whatever past traumas you have.

You said you can’t believe he won’t consider it and have a baby “for you” and that’s exactly why it’s so wrong, you’re just expecting he must do something as monumental as having a baby just because it’s what YOU want. You knew he didn’t want any more, for all this time. You can’t flip the table and now point the finger. You can be upset about his decision, but it’s a decision he’s remained firm on for your entire relationship and given your age and current family circumstances he’s not unreasonable to think the time has well past. I’d be shocked if my partner came to me a decade later nearing 50 and suggested a baby too.

Massive risk of a disabled child on top of normal sleepless nights. You’ve both done that stage of life and the relationship is built on you enjoying the next bit together - watching dc become adults and enjoying wonderful times together. A baby would massively change that dynamic. I’m 42 and if dh mentioned having a baby I’d laugh and assume he was joking.

I do understand why being ill has led you to this but I’m understanding your dh’s reaction.

Why fall out with someone you love, treats you well etc… over something that isn’t going to happen anyway. So strange…

Bloody hell. Of course he shouldn't create a child he doesn't want just because you're broody at 47.

You need to let this go OP.

At 47, with one tube, with love... it's not going to happen

Get counselling if you need to. Or a puppy!

@mumofoneAlonebutokay no grandkids on horizon, they’re 14.16 and 20 and the 20 year old has travel and a career in sight. I had thought about that though, maybe in ten years or so…🙏

I don’t know how I got to 47 and too late, feels like yesterday I had my two. My grandmother was 44 when she had my mother, but granted she had two tubes. My mum does also say she’s now lost all her family and finds it hard. She lost her last sister 5 years ago, her sisters were 18 and 20 years older.

I think I will go and talk to someone. I read all your messages in tears and am now a blubbery wreck. But I hear you, I am too old. If I did manage it there could be complications. I guess life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. I am endlessly grateful for the three we’ve got though, they are ace. So I need to focus on that.