He told me to find someone else to have babies with

[Jffs]

My husband and I have been together 13 years and married for 9. We have three teenage children between us from previous relationships (who I’m very grateful for every day) but we don’t have one together.

I’ve always wanted another child, my first partner was abusive and going through those pregnancies (being told to get out the house etc) wasn’t ideal. At the time, I remember being so in love with my unborn child and thinking this must be so incredible with someone who actually loves you. But my now husband has never wanted any more. I thought I had accepted this.

I went through an ordeal last year; a minor procedure led to an infection, an abscess and sepsis. They had to operate to save my life and remove my right fallopian tube upon which an 8cm abscess had attached itself.

Since then, I keep thinking about the child we haven’t had. I’m 47 with one remaining tube but regular periods (I got my period late at 16 and the first two arrived first time nothing was used). Maybe naively I think therefore it could still happen.

I am now dreaming about this baby. I said to my husband why don’t we just try and see? And he said “if you’re serious find someone else.”
He then didn’t understand when I burst into tears and said I wasn’t being serious. I see it as a massive insult that we’ve been together this long and he won’t even consider it for me.
am I being unreasonable?

Because that's the way of the world. Always has been. I know so many people who had an oops baby. Not saying it's right. But if men controlled fertility, we'd probably have died out by now.

Sounds to me as if you weren't doing it right! 😂

I was 4 yrs old when my grandmother was 47
You're having grandparent urges. I have them too (I'm 56) with two teens in the house.

It's really not the way of the world......

I'm so glad you've taken the advice on board, op ❤️

It's okay to feel sad. You're grieving. But the advice is right, its time to focus on what you do have - peace, the ability to get a good night's sleep.

Speaking to a therapist is the right move, as you've survived a lot. Best of luck xx

It's not to be taken seriously 😭, its a joke about how i'm team woman

I'm not siding with someone's husband unless I have to

Surely you side with the person you think is right? 😖🫤

So you wouldn’t want there to be a male pill then, because it would give men too much control over fertility?

I'm 46 and my husband said that u can have another baby with someone else 11 years ago after ds2 was born!

You have 3 children between you which is enough. Plus, having a baby at 47, even if possible would be incredibly hard on you both physically and mentally. Trying to survive on no sleep, then running round after a young child until you're what 60? No way.

Plus you got sepsis and could have left your 2 motherless and you think it's a good idea to do that to another dc!

Yes I thought this.

Men don't have the same hormonal drivers that we do so it's easier to be pragmatic about things like babies.

Some of the comments are quite unkind which is a shame. I understand why you might be feeling like this at the moment.

Maybe though, instead of putting yourself and body through the baby thing again, it's time you gave yourself some love, and time to heal from what sounds like a pretty traumatic experience. Book some things to look forward to.

That’s a horrible thing to say you know to someone who suffered from infertility.

I’ve been trying to have a baby with my husband for 5 years. Only managed 2 miscarriages and 4 failed rounds of IVF. I’m now pretty much too old and’s totally skint and it’s unlikely to happen at all now.

But haha how funny laughing face I must have just not been doing it right yeah? Stupid me. Maybe if I’d have spoken to you first to teach me I’d have had a baby by now.

Oh love I get it. I really wanted another biological DC and have the experience of the DF being engaged. But things didn't work out and I had to concentrate on the DC I did have. When I finally hit the menopause despite not wanting another DC for decades I cried. Because there was no chance then and I was in the next phase of my life.

You've also had to deal with a life threatening illness. But you cannot risk your mental and physical health at your age to maybe have another baby. Even if it were to happen the odds of having a healthy baby are very small. And you won't have the same energy now to run around after the baby and your teenagers really need you. That's if it goes well.

I agree you need to talk this through with someone.

You need to come to terms with the fact the baby phase is in your past

This is your hormones speaking. It will pass

Look forward to the Grandparent years. That is the next phase of your life you have to look forward to

Um no. It’s attitudes like this that give women a really bad name. It is never acceptable to trick someone into having a baby

Ridiculous comment

He doesn't want a child. At 47 you're really to old to have a child. Enjoy the kids you have. Maybe have counselling to deal with your feelings.

I think bursting into tears is a bit unfair to him. It’s not new information you know he doesn’t want more children and as far as he knew neither did you.

the tears are about you and you processing reaching a new stage in life. Not him. Gently the answer to how your feeling isn’t a new baby but reorienting your life now that the main focus isn’t going to child rearing.

see it as an exciting new phase a chance to find a hobby you can do together perhaps.

Grief is making you unreasonable. Mean that in a kind way. I am 47 and have 3 on my own. My youngest is 11 and I've noticed I have much less patience with him as he's grown up cos I'm that much older and often feel overwhelmed when I realise I've been in the teenager stage for 7 years and I have another 8 to go. They aren't even bad kids, just it's harder to keep them safe and happy once you can't just lift them up and cuddle them and put a plaster on a sore knee and they are more out in the world if you know what I mean. It is sad to think that phase of my life is over but I'm really enjoying the new phase and having more freedom finally. Counselling could help. Also there are other ways to channel a yearning to care for a child. If you wanted to do some volunteering there is fostering or home start to help with vulnerable kids without you having to commit to 20& years on another child.

OMG, you are literally staring into imminent freedom, the possibility of holidays at non peak time at a reasonable price, dinners and weekends away without the kids and no babysitters, et cetera. And you would want to turn that upside down?!

If your comment came out of nowhere, I can understand why your husband said what he said as he probably thought you were having a laugh. And for him the idea of having a baby after all you’ve been through with your all your teenagers would be laughable.

I am actually similar age and similar scenario but my DH and I tried 10 years ago. And I had a miscarriage. I ended up feeling some marginal relief as I suddenly realised the dream of having a child together could in reality be a bit of a nightmare. And with that age difference to the others, it effectively grows up as an only child.

OP it sounds like you went along with what your DH wanted when you got together but it wasn’t actually what you wanted and you are regretting that now which is completely understandable.

You seem to be saying that because your DH doesn’t want a baby, it’sa reflection on your relationship. It’s really not. He’s married to you. He just doesn’t want to go back to the newborn stage again in his late forties and that’s a very reasonable decision.

Don’t ruin a good marriage chasing a very unlikely dream. Just because you started your periods late doesn’t mean menopause will also be late - I started later than most and finished earlier than most…

Why would you "hate siding with a straight man"...?

Can you imagine if someone said they hate siding with a gay man?

You're in that time when you're free of the child rearing, you have young near-adults, you're regaining your health, hopefully both sets of parents are still independent, your children will be launching in a very few years.

For some that's a golden time of freedom. Where travelling, starting own businesses, finding themselves etc can happen.

For others it's the start of feeling 'what am I even FOR, now?'

And for women, the very real experience of perimenopause.

Start reading about it. It's a challenge, and your surgery may have started it or you may be there anyway. Was an ovary removed, too?

Even if you aren't in peri, tho your age is pretty standard, it's wise to be forearmed.

https://patient.info/womens-health/perimenopause

https://www.theindependentpharmacy.co.uk/menopause-hrt/guides/menopause-symptoms

OP being practical here, you/DH would then have to work until much later in life, you would be a 60 year old with 13 year old.

You need to move on.

I'm 53, DD is 15 and I'm going to have to work until she is out the other side of Uni/HE as a lone parent.

Please, be practical.