He told me to find someone else to have babies with

[Jffs]

My husband and I have been together 13 years and married for 9. We have three teenage children between us from previous relationships (who I’m very grateful for every day) but we don’t have one together.

I’ve always wanted another child, my first partner was abusive and going through those pregnancies (being told to get out the house etc) wasn’t ideal. At the time, I remember being so in love with my unborn child and thinking this must be so incredible with someone who actually loves you. But my now husband has never wanted any more. I thought I had accepted this.

I went through an ordeal last year; a minor procedure led to an infection, an abscess and sepsis. They had to operate to save my life and remove my right fallopian tube upon which an 8cm abscess had attached itself.

Since then, I keep thinking about the child we haven’t had. I’m 47 with one remaining tube but regular periods (I got my period late at 16 and the first two arrived first time nothing was used). Maybe naively I think therefore it could still happen.

I am now dreaming about this baby. I said to my husband why don’t we just try and see? And he said “if you’re serious find someone else.”
He then didn’t understand when I burst into tears and said I wasn’t being serious. I see it as a massive insult that we’ve been together this long and he won’t even consider it for me.
am I being unreasonable?

In a weird way, I can see how losing a tube might make you feel this way ❤️ Presumably losing one also affects your hormones and thus can make a person extra emotional?

Be kind to yourself, it sounds horrible what you are going through. Maybe find something fun and interesting to distract yourself with x

I voted YANBU because I am your age and 9 months pregnant, it’s a low risk pregnancy as well. Not everyone falls apart after 35 and I don’t see any problem with wanting children at that age.

The obvious problem for OP is that her DH has been clear from for their entire relationship that he definitely does not want additional children. Wanting another child isn't unreasonable, but marrying someone who is clear about not wanting that and then a decade down the road deciding they're being unfair or uncaring because they won't try for another baby certainly is.

I see it as a massive insult that we’ve been together this long and he won’t even consider it for me....

Sorry for your pain OP, but he could say the same.

Having been together this long and having agreed not to have anymore.....

Congratulations on your pregnancy @CortieTat

I see it as a massive insult that we’ve been together this long and he won’t even consider it for me.

Having a baby for someone else is a terrible idea. As is having a baby with someone who doesn't really want one.

You've been together this long and it sounds like from the beginning have had a shared agreement that you wouldn't have children. You can change your mind, and you can be upset. But I don't think you can be insulted when all he's doing is sticking to the feeling he's consistently had for over a decade.

I think some counselling would be a good idea - I think you haven’t moved beyond the loss and trauma of your past experiences and I think doing this would really help you. It’s a huge ask of your husband at this stage and he’s been consistent in his view. Best of luck to you xxx

With kindness here the success rate of a ovulating woman over 45 becoming pregnant naturally is around 3% and that's with two functioning tubes.

You're also assuming your ovary is still releasing eggs and they are good quality.If your DH agreed to it you could both end up facing an incredible amount of heartache.

You're both lucky enough to already be parents and your at the stage where your kids will be independent enough to get some of your own freedom too.

Do you really want to spend your 60's raising another teenager?

I voted YANBU because I am your age and 9 months pregnant

And what's that got to do with the OP?

Unless you're saying you baby's dad doesn't want it?

There is a very slim chance that you would be fertile, echoing others, that ship has sailed.

Your husband wasn't being very nice.

But you must see, surely, that you almost certainly won't be able to have another baby no matter how hard you try or what you throw at it? It's like talking about all the things you're planning to do together when you're 105, and then being offended when your husband says 'I don't think I really want to make it to 105'. Whether or not he wants to, the chance of it happening for is infinitesimally small.

Which is, of course, very sad, not just for you and but for any woman who is too old to have the children they still want to have.

Kindly OP regular periods mean nothing. I'm mid 20s with clock work periods and it took me 4 years to conceive..me and DH both had fertility test that showed healthy eggs and healthy sperm and it still Took that long.

It's so selfish to even think of having another baby at that age, you're too old.
You're only thinking about yourself, not the feelings of your husband and your existing children, let alone a potential child having parents of that age.
Neither are you thinking about what it would be like to be pushing 70 or more with a child still at university. You could be nearly 80 before the child married or had children, that's if you were still alive.
The risk of the potential child of having Downs or other learning disabilities is hugely increased at your age too.
It's time to accept that you'll be coming up to menopause and your time to reproduce is over, and to realise that it will be your children's time to have children in the future, with you as a loving grandmother( which is an absolutely joyous thing I've found, from my own experience of becoming a grandma when I was 50).

At 47 that ship has sailed.
It's out of your hands and it's out of your husband hands. Don't blow up your relationship chasing something that's not viable.
You need to find a way to accept that and allow yourself time to grieve.

One of my friends is now a grandma only a couple of years older than you. Whatever is going on for you, whether it’s a meno-related hormonal surge, unresolved trauma from your abusive relationship or a reaction to losing an ovary, it seems highly unlikely a baby is the answer. You’ve had good advice on the thread about seeking counselling.

What contraception do you use? Just see what happens maybe? Or get a puppy. Men can be very unsupportive and dim about stuff like this.

You are being really judgey about older Mothers. I've seen plenty of shit young Mother's. Times have changed, being 70 doesn't mean you are decrepit. Sort out your prejudice.

Careful, you get deleted for suggesting someone needs therapy these days.

Op he's made his position clear.
Tbh I don't blame him by the time a baby is here you'd be 48 + 18 = 66 so retirement age with a child barely finished school.

Where's the chance for you to have time to yourselves, not worry about school holidays and childcare etc etc

OP I think this sounds like a combination of your kids growing up and not needing you in the same way as they did when they were little, and grief for the fact your pregnancies and presumably time raising them as little ones was tainted by your abusive past relationship.
The idea of another baby was the chance to put the past right somehow.

Counselling is the answer here OP, and best of luck to you. I hope you can find happiness in your present life as you deserve it xx

Pre menopause broodiness.

I have posted about this a lot in recent months, because it really is a thing. Your body is screaming at you that its your last chance to have a baby. Every woman I know well enough to ask went through it, its like your ovaries are saying "Dont waste these last couple of eggs!!"

It will pass, I promise.

Firstly he said from the beginning he didn't want another child. He's still sure of that so don't try to emotionally manipulate him into it.

Second of all, you're 47, having a baby naturally is incredibly unlikely and would be idiotic given the risks.

You’re changing the goal post to fit your narrative. I’m with your husband here.

When your child is 18 ish you’ll be 70 ish. Nope

OP I do feel for you. My mum said to me that she never stopped feeling broody, even after menopause. And for ‘her’ children, not grandchildren. She knew it was ridiculous but it still stayed with her. I had my first two in early/mid twenties and did have a moment in my mid thirties when I really wanted another. But I miscarried and it wasn’t a nice process and it scared me. I realised my thoughts were selfish. My DH and children were happy how they were. And this other child would have had a large age gap with its siblings and cousins who were so close. And there wouldn’t be any other cousins joining them as my own siblings are much older. After that, I put the idea to bed. DH had a vasectomy and we have been together you’re happy with our two who are so so close as teenagers. You will get your head around a different point in your life, you just need a bit of time to get there x