He told me to find someone else to have babies with

[Jffs]

My husband and I have been together 13 years and married for 9. We have three teenage children between us from previous relationships (who I’m very grateful for every day) but we don’t have one together.

I’ve always wanted another child, my first partner was abusive and going through those pregnancies (being told to get out the house etc) wasn’t ideal. At the time, I remember being so in love with my unborn child and thinking this must be so incredible with someone who actually loves you. But my now husband has never wanted any more. I thought I had accepted this.

I went through an ordeal last year; a minor procedure led to an infection, an abscess and sepsis. They had to operate to save my life and remove my right fallopian tube upon which an 8cm abscess had attached itself.

Since then, I keep thinking about the child we haven’t had. I’m 47 with one remaining tube but regular periods (I got my period late at 16 and the first two arrived first time nothing was used). Maybe naively I think therefore it could still happen.

I am now dreaming about this baby. I said to my husband why don’t we just try and see? And he said “if you’re serious find someone else.”
He then didn’t understand when I burst into tears and said I wasn’t being serious. I see it as a massive insult that we’ve been together this long and he won’t even consider it for me.
am I being unreasonable?

Well, I guess I’ll be among friends as I’m far from the only person suggesting it may be helpful here!

This is the time time to start concentrating on yourselves, not bringing another baby into the world. You are going to blink and be empty nesters so I would go and find out what else you want in life, other than having children. The happiest empty nesters I know (and I include DH and I in this) are those who started concentrating on themselves a little when their kids were teenagers. There is so much more out there other than changing nappies!

How is it judgey to say that they older you are, the harder it will be? My mother is early 70's, she gets very easily worn out by my kids, late teens and early twenties which would be the age her kid would be if she had had one at 47. All age related issues and considered perfectly normal but not fair for a kid to have to deal with that just as they are launching themselves into their own lives.

On the thread about "is 45 too old to have a baby" there are a few posts from women who were those kids and they all said not to do it. What is right for the woman often isnt right for the child.

I don’t get this reaction. Why on earth should he try for a baby if he doesn’t want one?

He’s telling her that if that’s is her dream, then she needs to separate and meet someone who shares it.

Nothing nasty about that. The OP might not like it… but far worse to string her along if that is a deal breaker for her.

Only 18 years?

You got off lightly 😀

Personally I wouldn’t want to be 67/68 and have a 20 year old. I mean honestly I wouldn’t. You do get to the stage I think whereby you are happy with the children you have and past the infant, toddler, school years and all the work and worry they present. Lots of love also but, hey that’s just me.

Fair enough, he didn't think you were serious. I wouldn't have thought you were serious either. I am sorry you were so very ill, that must have been harrowing, however you recovered and have much to look forward to. A baby you do not need, you have kids. Enjoy your life.

Why are there so many women on here who think it’s OK to suggest that we ‘oops’ men?

“I hate siding with a straight man”

what on earth!?

Yabu. I assume you have known ‘no more kids’ since the early stages of your relationship. You can’t expect him to suddenly change his mind. I’m mid 40s with teens and the thought of starting all over again with a baby is horrifying - I imagine he feels the same way and is well within his rights to refuse, especially as he’s never promised you any more kids. And that’s before you even get in to difficulties conceiving/high risk pregnancy etc. You’re going to have to be grateful for what you have and make your peace with it.

I'm 70 and very far from 'decrepit'. The years when I brought up my children were the happiest but also the most exhausting years of my life. NO WAY would I want to be dealing with a late teen 'child' at this stage of my life. I have a grandchild who I love dearly..... but I'm always glad that I can hand her back at the end of the day.

At my age, one is facing one's own mortality and wants to make the most of the years that one (hopefully...) has left. There are still so many new things to try, countries to explore, events to attend, et cetera. I love my family but I also want to be me!

YABU.

You are 47. You have children.

The ship for more children has sailed. Throwing away your relationship because you want to have another baby is insane.

You are not coming to terms with your own age and probable infertility.

There isn't another baby to be had.

Are you normally this irrational?

Gently, OP, and echoing others, it might be a sensible idea to talk this through with a therapist. I completely get it - it's hard thinking of having no more children and accepting that it's time to stop, but it sounds like your DP is adamant he doesn't want more. Whilst the choice should be equal, he is in within his rights to express his feelings, just as you are. Enjoy the children you have and look forward to grandparenthood when it (hopefully) comes around. I suspect in ten years time, you'll feel better about this.

As I said though, I do understand. I fell pregnant a couple of years ago (I'm in my 40s) and although I was worried about the even larger age gaps between my children, was really looking forward to the baby/toddler years again. That ended in a catastrophic miscarriage, which my eldest two witnessed and were therefore fully aware of. We've avoided any chance of pregnancy since then, for both our own mental health and that of our children.

Sending hugs - I appreciate it's sad and upsetting.

He probably assumed you were joking given your age and that having another child has always been off the table. YABU.

I'm so sorry OP for what you've been through.

Him not sharing your wishes wasn't the insult. The insult was the shitty things he said to you and not picking up on your grief for what you've lost and for what realistically won't happen again.

He probably panicked. I'm rather assuming that he's your age or older?

The thought of you attempting pregnancy after your medical trauma, the dangers of it in your late 40s, the chances of real problems with the pregnancy, a baby's health and your own at this stage in your life must be scary.

The dialling back the clock to a time of life he feels he's left behind and is maybe looking forward to grandchildren.

How aghast he must feel at the thought of the financial implications.

The exhaustion with a toddler in your fifties, an adolescent in your sixties.

Creating an individual whose entire family will pass years before they do.

He has the right to not want any of that - and to feel that you respect that.

He needs to acknowledge and be compassionate about your sadness, knowing it's most unlikely to happen.

And he needs to know how what he said made you feel.

Why would you hate siding with a straight man?

Call your happiness within your relationship your 'baby' and invest all your energy on strengthening that.
You will be going through empty nest feelings for the next five years so firm up your current family.
It is a rare time for splurging time on your spouse before grandchildren come on the scene and before caring for your elderly parents restricts some of your time.
You could benefit from getting a new pet, hobby or charity.
A budgie, a cat?

I think you ABU because you're already a mother of two and your partner's already a father, and it seems you only want a child because of your remaining fallopian tube and just because you'd like to have a child with your partner. As he's is not keen, I think it makes it doubly unreasonable.

Having written all that, I became a mum at 43 and I know many would similarly agree that trying for a baby at 43 is too old. Personally, I don't think 47 is too old, but of course I'm biased because I had a baby in my 40s while I'm guessing the majority of women responding to you had theirs earlier (or don't have children).

A friend of mine who had been trying for a baby since she was 35, finally conceived when she was 45 and then had her second when she was 47. She's doing fine and well and we're just getting on with it.

If you didn't have your teens all those years ago I would encourage you to try, but as others have advised I think you should explore your feelings with a therapist.

Aside from your age, the practicalities and the fact that you already have three older children, plus the financial cost of seeing them into adulthood… aside from all that, I suggest that you would do well to apologise to your DH. He did not massively insult you, in fact he did not insult you at all. He just didn’t want what you think you want. Why were you so ready to think of that as an insult?

I think he is being 100% unreasonable, but not for the reasons a lot of people are thinking. You asked you husband a deeply felt question and he told you to find someone else. Fair play he might have thought it was a joke, you don’t describe his tone. Either way, it’s unreasonable to be flippant and dismissive once he realises. It’s not unreasonable for him not to change his mind, but it’s unreasonable not to be gentle with you. I would agree with his thinking if he’s assuming you’re both too old to start a new life with an already large family. I’d work on your maternal urge and work out where it’s coming from. You’ll have grandchildren soon enough - does that make you happy, or cry? The answer to that will indicate what the root of your desire is, and how healthy it is.

47, I am planning for retirement in less than 15 years. That’s my goal and another baby would blow that out to 25 years. That would definitely be a deal breaker for me, New mother exhaustion quickly followed by menopause exhaustion would break me.

This x1000

None of us like getting old and having our life options narrow.

That's no excuse for being irrational.

Enjoy what you have. Maybe explore why your age-appropriate life situation isn't enough for you. No need to produce yet another human being to solve your problems.

i think you would struggle to conceive and time is not on your side fertility wise, I think if you even tried it would probably break your heart worse. Your children and his children will most likely make yous grandparents in the near future. Going by how maternal you are I think you will make an amazing grandparent. You will have all the love and baby cuddles and be able to hand the child back and be able to sleep through the night, x

I thought that was an odd comment, too. As if all straight men are awful!