To think it’s my business who gets my money when I die?

[Trunksarebetter]

Not really a big issue I suppose, as ultimately no one else will be able to decide for me (or argue with me when it happens!), but this has annoyed me!

I don’t have children and am very happy for it to stay that way. I was having a general discussion with my parents about retirement plans, as they’re looking to downsize now that they’re retiring. I said I’d probably do similar when I’m older to give myself a lump sum, or maybe do equity release if I decide I don’t want to move. I added that I know a lot of people are against equity release, but that it wouldn’t be the same issue for me, because it’s not as if I have children who will be expecting an inheritance.

My dad said, almost before I’d finished speaking, and in what I felt was a quite causal/dismissive way, “Well, it’ll all go to Lucy”. I said, “Sorry?” and he said, “Your house, your money; it’ll all go to Lucy when you die.”

Lucy is my niece; my brother’s only child. I love her very much and, in all likelihood, I will indeed leave her anything that happens to be left over. But I’m certainly not planning my finances with an inheritance for her in mind. She’ll get everything from her parents, plus whatever my parents leave to my brother - she certainly won’t have to rely on getting anything from me!

I said, fairly jokingly, “Er, hang on - I think that’s up to me! I might not want to leave it all to Lucy!” But my dad seemed to take it quite seriously. He was saying, “Well who else are you going to leave it to? Friends? What’s the point in that when you’re all around the same age anyway? Of course you’ll leave it to Lucy.”

I replied that I’d probably do just that, but a) it would be MY choice and there was no “of course” about it and b) that while she was welcome to anything that was left over, I wasn’t planning for there to be much, because I’m going to spend it, on me.

My dad was a bit huffy about this. He has an awful habit of getting dismissive when a discussion doesn’t go his way, and that’s what I got this time - an “Okay, fine; that’s that”, where he’ll try to shut down the conversation, but then will still throw in a “I just think that…” and goes back to his original point.

I know that it doesn’t realistically matter, as I don’t have to even tell my parents what’s in my will, and unless they outlive me, they’ll never find out. But it’s the assumption that annoys me. What if I wanted to leave the whole lot to charity? Or just plain old didn’t want someone else telling me what was happening to my money? Surely this isn’t for anyone to make assumptions about, family or otherwise?

I agree .I have sorted stuff out for my DC myself and certainly don’t need to keep being told by my childless sibling that they will spend everything and my DC will get anything that might be left. I just shrug and say my kids ,my responsabilty.

If I had no direct family to leave it to , I'd have fabulous holidays , great meals out ( paying for a friend if didn't want to go alone ) lovely days out , lots of self care - hairdressers , manicures , massages ext and generally enjoy spending it .

Good for you to think of equity release of even sell up and rent so no worries about upkeep.
Hopefully spend the majority in having a nice life indulging yourself.

Then on your small inheritance left , favourite charity / good cause and niece if you still wish to do so .

To be quite frank , you might see a fair bit of ' Lucy ' now but when she's all grown up and doing her own thing she will probably see you as a distant relative she doesn't even wish a Happy birthday / Merry Christmas too .

It's weird isn't it? It's hardly a controversial topic, OP hasn't done or said anything awful to her dad or her niece but there's been a real horrible pile on. Sometimes the first response sets the tone and all the others follow their lead.

Whenever there is a thread about inheritance no matter how unfair the distribution is. Everyone says you can't expect anything. You'll just have to spend your time, money and energy to taking care of a loved one eventhough they're giving everything to the drug addict cousin twice removed that hasn't been around for 20 years and rest to the cat shelter. But somehow this is going to a different direction.

Well that would be his decision. But I really don’t think he’s that kind of game player. He made assumptions, but I honestly don’t think he’d try to manipulate me into writing my will a certain way.

Anyway, let’s say for the sake of argument that he did do this - it’s a fundamentally flawed plan. If my mother outlives him (likely) what’s to stop her leaving me more to counteract this? And if I did say “Okay, Lucy gets the lot” and changed my will, what happens if - let’s be honest, when - I outlive him? What’s to stop me changing my will again?

Also, if the idea is for Lucy to get the best inheritance possible, disinheriting me to favour her would be counterproductive. Even if my father left his entire estate to Lucy rather than to my mother, she’d still own half the house, and would surely want to leave at least some of her share to me and my brother.

Nah - much better for my dad, and for Lucy, if he keeps his crazy (but pretty decently off) spinster daughter on side 😉😉

I understand, OP - it's another way of seeing women as a resource for others, not an entity in their own right. I'm sensing you're irritated by it, not bent completely out of shape, but assumptions do rankle.

I'm sure I'm expected to leave my money to my nephew and niece, but as they've never bothered to form a relationship with me, and been pretty ungrateful for anything I've given them so far, it's not a foregone conclusion... 😁

I’m in a similar position. My Mum recently split her inheritance between me, my only sibling and their 2 children. (She changed her will about 4 years ago as previously it was split 50:50 with my sibling)

This means my nephews get their inheritance now, in their late teens (in trust with financially astute sibling looking after it for house deposits etc) and I no longer feel I need to leave anything to them in my inheritance. They would have been my default beneficiaries I guess, but now I am
going for the Die With Nothing approach and I am planning to spend it all.

I'm in the same position as you but my money won't be going to any family members. Not sure what I'll do with it yet, I kind of like the idea of buying up some land and creating some little chalet-style homes or a big house with a floor each with communal space, with all my friends for old age.

Beyond that I think the money will go to my best friend's kids, her and her OH work their arses off in the NHS for not very much money so I'd like to see their kids provided for.

YANBU but bit of a weird thing to have a row about. Channel your inner 15yr old and reply Ok and forget about it!

I love this, all of it.
I do have DC so most will go to them, but I am hoping to leave an endowment or prize for writers.

I totally understand where you're coming from, OP, and find a lot of these comments quite strange. Of course people shouldn't make assumptions about what you're going to do with your money. It's yours to do whatever you like with.

I have an elderly aunt who doesn't have children. I have Power of Attorney to manage her finances for her, so I'm familiar with her finances and I know that she has a lot of money. I have no idea what her will says about what will happen to that money when she goes - I don't need to know and I certainly wouldn't make any assumptions about it. It might go to wider family. It might go to her godchildren or their children. It might go to one or more of the charities that she currently supports. It might all go on care home fees eventually. Or whatever.

Ultimately, it's her prerogative to do what she likes with it. My only regret is that she won't have the opportunity to enjoy more of her money herself.

I suspect the df would have said the same to a single child free older son

I have several siblings who seem to think they and their children are entitled to my money when I die. Actually even before I die 🤣

I refuse every demand and have made it clear that I intend spending every penny in having a brilliant old age with my husband.

I assume your Dad wants whatever he leaves to you in his will to stay in the family. This is a smile, nod and hmm of course whatever you say situation. Your will is no one’s business.

YANBU. I got cut out of my parents’ will to ensure that their money will all go to the grandkids (I’m infertile). My siblings regularly make comments about how between my parents’ wealth and mine, their kids won’t have any financial worries.

I’ve never discussed with them what I will be doing with my money so they are banking on that assumption.

I’ve seen too many threads on here where parent-posters are aghast at the suggestion that a childless person might want to give some money to something other than their relatives’ kids. You may not get much sympathy here but you are definitely NBU in my book.

This is what my husband and I are doing. To be fair, DB has never suggested I should leave my money to “Lucy”, quite the opposite in fact.

OP I totally understand you feeling irked. But realise it's not about you. It's about your df. He wants to control the finances after he's gone. He can't obviously but this isn't a fight worth fighting. Just verbally go along with whatever he says and quietly do your own thing.

He's possibly going to get worse the older he gets as he feels less and less in control of things. Best to figure out how to not rise to the bait now.

OP if he tells you again, ask him 'what does he think you are going to do with it?'

And point out that you aren't an idiot and of course you will be mindful with regards your finances.

YANBU.

My parents were ( and still are) besotted with my Nephew. They have revered him in a way that had never happened to me. I was a single spinster for a very long time and the assumption was that I would leave my money ( I was a high earner) to him was palpable and really grated on me, given their behaviour towards me. When I joined a new firm, I had to state my pension divide, and I chose my two best friends as my beneficiaries. I never told my family. Then I meet DH at a late age and had 2 last minute children. This scuppered everyone’s expectations! I forgot about the pension and only changed the beneficiaries when my kids were in primary school.

But my 2 best friends would have been a far better and more deserving beneficiary than any of my family!

My parents were ( and still are) besotted with my Nephew. They have revered him in a way that had never happened to me.

I think there’s an element of this too. She’s definitely a very precious grandchild! My dad was distinctly unimpressed when a relative didn’t pick her as a bridesmaid - even though there were several more obvious candidates.

I find the best way to deal with this type of comment is to smile and agree, and move on.

Oh here's another "just smile sweetly and move on" comment. Can we stop saying this to women. It's damaging. Because when something goes wrong, we're then told "why didn't you say something sooner"

OP did nothing wrong. She should not be blamed for the actions of her father. If he found it awkward, he's an adult, he can deal with that. He made an assumption based on the fact OP didn't have children and she is allowed to be pissed off about that without it having to have some deeper meaning, as if she somehow deep down inside regrets she didn't have children, when actually, no she is just fine as she is. Standing up to your father's misogyny doesn't mean you regret your life choices.

Why is your automatic response that it wouldn't go to your niece, whatever is leftover after you do all your spending? Do you have something against her/your brother?

Why would it? I love my sister and her son. Once he reached adulthood there was no provision in my will for him, why should there be? We aren't duty bound to give our money to our family.

Of course you are not unreasonable. Massive assumption on his part.

Why is your automatic response that it wouldn't go to your niece, whatever is leftover after you do all your spending? Do you have something against her/your brother?

It’s not my automatic response at all. But neither is it an automatic assumption that it definitely will. That’s the issue.

Such a long post to ask such a simple question. Isn't your question really "why does my Dad think he has any say in anything I do as an independent adult and why does he get the arse if I go my own way?".