To think it’s my business who gets my money when I die?

[Trunksarebetter]

Not really a big issue I suppose, as ultimately no one else will be able to decide for me (or argue with me when it happens!), but this has annoyed me!

I don’t have children and am very happy for it to stay that way. I was having a general discussion with my parents about retirement plans, as they’re looking to downsize now that they’re retiring. I said I’d probably do similar when I’m older to give myself a lump sum, or maybe do equity release if I decide I don’t want to move. I added that I know a lot of people are against equity release, but that it wouldn’t be the same issue for me, because it’s not as if I have children who will be expecting an inheritance.

My dad said, almost before I’d finished speaking, and in what I felt was a quite causal/dismissive way, “Well, it’ll all go to Lucy”. I said, “Sorry?” and he said, “Your house, your money; it’ll all go to Lucy when you die.”

Lucy is my niece; my brother’s only child. I love her very much and, in all likelihood, I will indeed leave her anything that happens to be left over. But I’m certainly not planning my finances with an inheritance for her in mind. She’ll get everything from her parents, plus whatever my parents leave to my brother - she certainly won’t have to rely on getting anything from me!

I said, fairly jokingly, “Er, hang on - I think that’s up to me! I might not want to leave it all to Lucy!” But my dad seemed to take it quite seriously. He was saying, “Well who else are you going to leave it to? Friends? What’s the point in that when you’re all around the same age anyway? Of course you’ll leave it to Lucy.”

I replied that I’d probably do just that, but a) it would be MY choice and there was no “of course” about it and b) that while she was welcome to anything that was left over, I wasn’t planning for there to be much, because I’m going to spend it, on me.

My dad was a bit huffy about this. He has an awful habit of getting dismissive when a discussion doesn’t go his way, and that’s what I got this time - an “Okay, fine; that’s that”, where he’ll try to shut down the conversation, but then will still throw in a “I just think that…” and goes back to his original point.

I know that it doesn’t realistically matter, as I don’t have to even tell my parents what’s in my will, and unless they outlive me, they’ll never find out. But it’s the assumption that annoys me. What if I wanted to leave the whole lot to charity? Or just plain old didn’t want someone else telling me what was happening to my money? Surely this isn’t for anyone to make assumptions about, family or otherwise?

Why is your automatic response that it wouldn't go to your niece, whatever is leftover after you do all your spending? Do you have something against her/your brother?

Another one making things up! I never said it wouldn’t go to her.

In that case why be argumentative? It giving small d*ck energy.

Of course your money is yours to do what you want with. Have more confidence in yourself and don't get worked up over non issues.

Very presumptuous of him and I’m not surprised it’s rubbed you the wrong way. Ironically I’m making an assumption here but only because it’s happened to us - I’m assuming you’re annoyed because you think they may have been a discussion about this?

My husband & his brother were never close but the past few years their mum has been trying to get us all to play happy families. We don’t have kids, brother & sis in law have one. She’s six and since she was born we’ve only seen her twice when she was a baby. Last Christmas (third time we’ve seen her) the kid made a card for us, while giving it to my husband niece goes “Nana said if I’m nice to you you’ll give me money ” Long story short she overheard a conversation between her parents & grandparents about inheritances specifically us leaving money to the niece 😐

In that case why be argumentative? It giving small dck energy.*

What does this even mean?

Is it he assumption that child free women have nothing more important to spend it on other than their nieces or nephews that's annoying you, OP? After all you may want to piss it away on a round the world cruise.

He can leave whatever he likes to whoever he likes.

I’m not sure what I’m being “smug” about?

I don't have kids, but would still leave what I have left to family. Like you I wouldn't particularly factor in their needs over mine. However, I know it would help them, so it wouldn't not be a factor.

I do feel that I have freedom to choose, but in the highly unlikely event I were to inherit from my parents, I would feel that I would want in turn to pass that on to their descendants.

The grabby people are revealing themselves here. Distasteful.

YANBU
I would not be able to point my nephews out in a line up, so I wont be leaving anything to them (which would be nothing anyway).

I hate people who make assumptions about how I should spend my money. Your dad is out of line.

Have you basically earned all your own money as an adult, or have you had money from your parents/grandparents? I’m in a similar situation to you (no kids, one nephew), and if I’d earned all my own money then yes I’d feel it was totally up to me what I did with it. But as I’ve had some family legacies I do feel it’s relevant to think about what those relatives would want me to do with the money they gave to me.

If you’ve not had money from your parents yet, your Dad is likely thinking ahead to what he was planning to leave to you, and he probably was leaving it to you on the assumption that you would then leave it to your niece, his granddaughter. We can argue back and forth about whether childfree women should be expected to do this, but it is the way people with children and grandchildren tend to see things, and he evidently hadn’t realised that you might see it differently.

It is very rude to ask another person about the contents of their will, let alone telling them what it should say.

From your OP:

I added that I know a lot of people are against equity release, but that it wouldn’t be the same issue for me, because it’s not as if I have children who will be expecting an inheritance.

So you told your parents that children expect an inheritance and implied that equity release is a bad thing for people with children (i.e. parents) because of it's impact on inheritance for their children.

As a will is secret until you are dead people can be told whatever they need to hear.

But leave a long letter to those you don't leave it all to.

Are you expecting to inherit from your parents? As if you are then I can more see his point, in that if you inherited family money I'd feel morally obligated to hand it down within the family rather than send it to a random friend. (If not needed to live on) And if you aren't planning to do that you might find they rethink their own wills to give your brother a higher split.
If its all your personal money then crack on and do whatever you want !

No - I said that I don’t have any children who will be expecting an inheritance. I didn’t say I’M expecting an inheritance, or that people with children shouldn’t go in for equity release. All the rest is in your head.

Lucy might well pre-decease you!

It’s entirely up to you. Dh and I have siblings who have chosen not to have dc. One of them has mentioned about my dc looking after them in older age. I was quite shocked tbh. But I guess most people need a bit of help as they get older, one way or another. It has struck me that my dc will end up with not just us but also the sibling to help out, which might be quite a lot. Perhaps this is more apparent to your df, being older. He’d like to think Lucy would help you and that you would thank her for it.

I think your father was quite obnoxious. The terms of your will are not for him to dictate.

If he frequently treats you with such a dismissive, pompous attitude, I wouldn't share more information of any depth with him.

Being included in any adult's personal business is a privilege. Those who don't respect it, don't deserve it.

I think it’s maybe a generational thing. My parents are in their 70s and have always been very concerned with inheritance. They often talk/ed about ‘getting what’s coming to them’ or what I will be in line for.

I agree that what you do with your money is completely up to you.

I dont think your dad's reaction is anything to dwell on. Just day "yeah that's right dad" then leave it to whoever or whatever you want. No need for any unpleasant feelings. It's obviously your choice just make a will.

You don't think that would come across to your parents as children expecting an inheritance is a normal thing and that they would read into it that you have an expectation of an inheritance from them? Because I think most people would unless you'd used very particular language.

For what it's worth I think it's very common for people to expect their parents to leave them an inheritance (if they have any money) and that it's not an awful thing to casually express in this manner, even though it's not up to children what their parents do with their money. It's what happens in most families and it's not surprising that most people, without being grabbing, just assume that that's what's going to happen. Equally I think your dad was just expressing a social norm to you and that while I agree it's your money to do what you want with, I think your taking his assumption too much to heart.

You don't think that would come across to your parents as children expecting an inheritance is a normal thing and that they would read into it that you have an expectation of an inheritance from them?

No. I’d think it was a comment on equity release - one that is frequently raised as an issue when the topic is discussed.

I don’t think it’s obvious at all that you’d leave it to Lucy, and I think it’s presumptuous of your father to assume as much. She is not your responsibility to plan for. In your situation I would be planning to give the majority to charities that matter to me, with maybe a token gesture to Lucy.