Page 5 | To think this is unfair

OneFineDay13 · 22/02/2025 23:16

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 14:10

Poor girl. Her dad is a disgrace.

This 100%

Mielbee · 22/02/2025 23:24

This is so sad and very hurtful. Your poor DD. The natural consequences of this will be for him to lose his relationship with her, and if you want any tiny hope of rescuing this for her, you need to explain to him how hurtful this is. Perhaps if he has a shred of decency he can work on repairing this monumental damage.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/02/2025 23:24

That’s really quite incredibly shitty of them!

tachetastic · 22/02/2025 23:43

SnoopysHoose · 21/02/2025 13:53

They've maybe worded it wrong but I'd not really be expecting a near 18 yr old to be sticking to access days like they were 5.
My DPs kids are fluid, days change every week as now they're teens they've busy lives of their own.

And do you give them a bed when they do stay?

tachetastic · 22/02/2025 23:54

chickenlicken3 · 21/02/2025 13:39

DD17 goes to her dad's every other weekend. She's always shared a room with her younger step sibling.

They have recently had a change round of rooms which means DD no longer has a bed and will now be sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room. When questioning the decision, DD was told they weren't expecting her to still be visiting at nearly 18.

DD now no longer wants to go every other weekend (or sleep over at all) as her Dad and step mum are early risers, and you have to walk through the living room in order to get to the kitchen. She also has other step siblings including in the house that return home late at night.

AIBU in thinking this room swap could have been put on hold until she goes to university in September, or is it ok because she's nearly an adult? Would be interested to hear other people's opinions!

They have recently had a change round of rooms which means DD no longer has a bed and will now be sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room. When questioning the decision, DD was told they weren't expecting her to still be visiting at nearly 18.

She isn't visiting.

She is his daughter and a full member of their family, just as much as her step-siblings are (in the sense that her dad is not their biological dad, just as their mum is not her biological mum).

Staying every other weekend is part of her living arrangements, it is not a treat as it might be if she visited friends or wider family.

You need to have an honest conversation and ask her dad if he thinks it would be acceptable to tell his step-daughter when she turns 17 that they no longer expected her to live at home at such an old age and to put her on the sofa. That is exactly the same as what they have done to his own daughter.

The crux of the issue is that they see her as a visitor rather than part of their family and that needs to change.

SunshineStreamingThrough · 23/02/2025 00:04

The fact that they said they didn’t expect her to be ‘visiting’ speaks volumes to me straight off the bat. She’s not a visitor she’s his child!
At 17 she’s definitely able to choose whether she wants to go or not and if it was me I’d support her in this, at least then she knows she has one parent always in her corner.
It is a shame to not see her dad but he seems to have snubbed her without second thought.

FiveTreeHill · 23/02/2025 00:07

LucyMonth · 21/02/2025 16:06

Yep I read all that in the OP.

The point I was making was that her Dad (wrongly) assumed that as a nearly adult going off to uni she wouldn’t be wanting the buzzkill of staying overnight at her Dads in her 13 year old step sisters room anymore and would have a much more casual “pop round whenever you like” kind of relationship.

I completely understand that she is hurt, her Dad has misread the situation and this could have waited until September, but I think it’s a leap for people to assume her Dad hates her, doesn’t care about her and never wants to see her again once she’s 18.

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He didn't make a parenting mistake or wongly assume anything. The DD has stuck to her parenting arrangement, she hasn't given any indication that she wants to move to a more casual relationship. There's no situation to misread.

He hasn't talked to her. He hasn't kept his house open so they could have a less rigid arrangement. He's made no attempt to rectify his 'mistake" once he's seen how upset its made his DD

He's just an arsehold who's removed his child's bed from his home. Lets be honest he didn't consider his DDs feelings in his decision at all

tachetastic · 23/02/2025 00:10

LucyMonth · 21/02/2025 16:34

Yup he’s made a parenting mistake. No one is arguing against that.

The issue is people flying off the handle and assuming this means he doesn’t care about her at all and never wants to see her again once she’s turned 18. That she should completely cut contact with him over it. Oooor maybe behave like rational adults and just have a conversation about it.

There likely has been zero malice in this whatsoever and instead he probably thinks she’ll be relieved to not share with her significantly younger sister who kept the room very messy. & thinks she’ll not want to stay over in the cramped house once she doesn’t “have to” anymore and can dictate the relationship more herself. Clearly he was very wrong. That doesn’t make him the worst person ever. Just misguided and a bit thoughtless.

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Sorry @LucyMonth I see you are trying to be open-minded which normally I would support but surely any parent in this situation would speak to their DD and ask for her views before telling her that from now on she would be sleeping in the lounge, which is not a private space for a 17 year old girl, even though this means other family members will be walking through the room while she is still in bed.

Personally I cannot imagine ever putting my daughter in that situation while she is still living at my home, albeit only every other weekend. It would be so intrusive to have everyone trouping through what is now her bedroom. Why would anyone ever think that was okay?

TheodoraCrumpet · 23/02/2025 00:11

Shitty, shitty behaviour from the pair of them. And my mind is boggled at posters trying to minimise the situation as no big deal, why, she's practically an adult.

She's a schoolgirl with autism. She likes routine, and I daresay the security of thinking she had another parent looking out for her. Poor kid.

This is not a mistake. It's cunt behaviour.

Ughn0tryte · 23/02/2025 01:00

But she's not 'visiting' her dad. She's living at her other home. She has two addresses and they've effectively made her homeless before she's an adult in one of her homes.
I would have her ask him when his dad told him he was too old to live at his father's address and go from there.
Or ask her grandad herself.

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 23/02/2025 01:41

What's your/your DD's plan @chickenlicken3

Vaxtable · 23/02/2025 02:24

What a lovely way for her father to say she means nothing really

If she doesn’t want to go anymore I would just accept that and support her. It’s her dads loss

Notsosure1 · 23/02/2025 05:54

TomatoSandwiches · 21/02/2025 13:57

That's even worse, so they're just pushing her out completely and her father has gone along with it.
Doesn't sound like he wants to make any effort to spend time with his own daughter anyway, how sad for your girl op.

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Sadly, like a lot of men, his priority is whoever he’s sharing a bed with - what she says goes, anything for a quiet life etc. Very sad if your daughter values this time with her dad and step siblings - who she was probably encouraged to embrace when they came on the scene! Poor girl

Noodles1234 · 23/02/2025 07:33

I feel it’s really unkind, and sort of putting a message out to them they’re not welcome anymore.

I have to admit I don’t have step children, but I’d like to think if I did they would always feel welcome if they want to. A sofa at 17 doesn’t feel that. I know space maybe an issue, but surely some sort of trundle bed until say they’re a bit older?

aCatCalledFawkes · 23/02/2025 07:57

Have you spoken to your ex to ask what his rational is? On one hand I can see why they have done but on the other it’s also quite unkind, especially as she now has no privacy at all. My daughter would hate it. I would call my ex and explain how hurt my DD was as they may not be aware - and if they are it says a lot about them.

Manthide · 23/02/2025 08:47

That's terrible. My eldest 2dd shared a room (bunk beds) whilst they lived at home and when they went to university I kept it just the same as they obviously came home for the holidays. My youngest dd is 14/16 years younger than them and she stayed in my room until they both left university though in the last year or 2 (dd1 studied 6 year medicine) she did start using the room to sleep in when they weren't there. I didn't get rid of the bunkbeds until they were both living with partners.
I always wanted them to feel welcome back.

Onlyvisiting · 23/02/2025 08:51

chickenlicken3 · 21/02/2025 13:46

@MuddyPawsIndoors She's 13

Editing as I re read the OP posts re age!

They have essentially said that they don't care if she visits. That is disgusting and will justifiably destroy any relationship she has with them.
She isn't 'visiting' she should have a home woth them. Them effectively kicking her out at 17 is the same as if you had told her she didn't have a bedroom in your house anymore. It's not OK just because they know her mother will house her instead, she is still a minor child and BOTH her parents should be obligated to provide a safe home and sleeping space as a bare minimum.
Not- if you must 'visit' us then you can sleep on the sofa.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 23/02/2025 09:00

He made his message loud and clear. Your poor DD, I hope she recovers from the hurt and disappointment quickly and in a healthy way. Such rejection can have long lasting consequences.

Original poster

chickenlicken3 · 23/02/2025 09:55

DD spent her first night there with the new arrangement on Friday. She said she woke up yesterday morning to people walking through the living room to the kitchen, going out the front door etc. She was also woken up multiple times during the night by the dog.

I took her out for some lunch yesterday after I picked her up and we had a chat about it.

The next weekend she is due there I am actually taking her away for the weekend - one of the universities she's had an offer from has invited her to see the department, meet the academics etc which she would like to go to. I've turned it in to a whole weekend away with a hotel stay, exploring the city and dinner out etc (trying to cheer her up really!).

I don't think the overnights will continue afterwards, I think she'll go for the odd dinner. I fee dreadfully sorry for her!

OP posts:

SnoopySantaPaws · 23/02/2025 10:36

CosyLemur · 22/02/2025 22:19

Perfectly acceptable! Especially as the age difference is so big. I wouldn't want a 17 year old sharing with my 13 year old - not even for 1 night a week!

What are you on about?

Nothing wrong with the 13 and 17-year-old sharing and even if you felt that way the 13-year-old could share with her sibling four nights a month!!

You don't just say my wife's children one of which is an adult are going to have a room age and you my child are going to sleep in the lounge if you insist on still coming.

Fireflybaby · 23/02/2025 10:39

I would leave it up to your daughter to chose what she wants to do. Maybe go for a day a weekend and come back in the evening if she still wants to see her dad.
But since the dad is considering her almost an adult then she can make the adult decision on how things should be moving forward. And if she's not comfortable sleeping on a sofa in a house with early risers and she shouldn't have to.

SnoopySantaPaws · 23/02/2025 10:44

@chickenlicken3

he's a monumental twat.

Even if his wife instigated it, he is a twit for not saying to her no, why do your children one being an adult get a room each and my daughter gets permitted to sleep on the couch in the living room? I think not!!

Her 2 can share a room, when your daughter is there. Her daughter getting her own room is hardly a punishment for being a messy little madam. The only one being punished here is your daughter.

How can he possibly think that arrangement is okay for your daughter?

Funny, they say they didn't think she'll be visiting when she's 17 yet his wife's adult child still lives with them??

Plenty of teenagers still stay at the other parents as they always have done as it's the only time they get to spend with their other parent. Of course as the children get older pending where both parents live things change. But when your child is autistic, especially they like the routine and actual Daughter hasn't said otherwise it's just plain nasty of them to basically say they don't want her to stay anymore.

I hope you and your daughter have a good weekend away when you go to visit the university. She knows who's there for her and who isn't pretty bloody hurtful when it's your dad though that isn't poor kid.

EleanorReally · 23/02/2025 10:57

my df did that to us
me and my ds stayed regularly, had a room
one day my step sisters had a room each and we slept on the sofa!
i have never forgotten!
my ds stopped going and i didnt go very often after that. the last time i think i was about 15

Horses7 · 23/02/2025 11:35

Your weekend away with your daughter sounds fab and a great idea - enjoy!

SparklyBrickViper · 23/02/2025 11:49

Shitty Father’s do shitty things.