Page 3 | To think this is unfair

chickenlicken3 · 2025-02-21T13:39:27+00:00

DD17 goes to her dad's every other weekend. She's always shared a room with her younger step sibling. They have recently had a change round of rooms which means DD no longer has a bed and will now be sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room. When questioning the decision, DD was told they weren't expecting her to still be visiting at nearly 18. DD now no longer wants to go every other weekend (or sleep over at all) as her Dad and step mum are early risers, and you have to walk through the living room in order to get to the kitchen. She also has other step siblings including in the house that return home late at night. AIBU in thinking this room swap could have been put on hold until she goes to university in September, or is it ok because she's nearly an adult? Would be interested to hear other people's opinions!

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 16:08

LucyMonth · 21/02/2025 16:06

Yep I read all that in the OP.

The point I was making was that her Dad (wrongly) assumed that as a nearly adult going off to uni she wouldn’t be wanting the buzzkill of staying overnight at her Dads in her 13 year old step sisters room anymore and would have a much more casual “pop round whenever you like” kind of relationship.

I completely understand that she is hurt, her Dad has misread the situation and this could have waited until September, but I think it’s a leap for people to assume her Dad hates her, doesn’t care about her and never wants to see her again once she’s 18.

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Her dad ought to know her well enough not to (wrongly) assume she doesn't want to visit surely?

luckylavender · 21/02/2025 16:12

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 21/02/2025 14:13

So she has to sleep on a couch for five years? I would be encouraging her to stay home or visit during the day only. What a horrible thing to do to her

She's 17. The step sister she shared s room with is 13

LucyMonth · 21/02/2025 16:14

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 16:08

Her dad ought to know her well enough not to (wrongly) assume she doesn't want to visit surely?

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Perhaps. I hardly think he’d be the first parent to make a wrong assumption about their teenager though. Hardly crime of the century.

People suggesting he doesn’t care about her at all and she goes no contact…because he’s misjudged how independent his nearly adult wants to be? I mean sure, or maybe have reasonable discussion about it as a family instead of jumping to conclusions.

AgnesX · 21/02/2025 16:16

Ponderingwindow · 21/02/2025 14:13

If I were dd I would stop going to his house entirely. I might also stop speaking to him.

Dad basically just told his dd he doesn’t care about her at all and isn’t bothered about having a relationship with her. not having a bed for her in his home until she is a fully launched adult, so past 18, is inexcusable.

I'm not sure it's the right way to do things but I'd feel that way too.

He sounds like a complete half wit of a parent.

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 16:21

LucyMonth · 21/02/2025 16:14

Perhaps. I hardly think he’d be the first parent to make a wrong assumption about their teenager though. Hardly crime of the century.

People suggesting he doesn’t care about her at all and she goes no contact…because he’s misjudged how independent his nearly adult wants to be? I mean sure, or maybe have reasonable discussion about it as a family instead of jumping to conclusions.

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There's wrong assumptions about what they'd prefer for dinner, then there's throwing their bed away.

NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 16:22

chickenlicken3 · 21/02/2025 15:51

@SnoopysHoose DD is autistic so I think that's partly why she enjoys still going - she loves a routine!

That's even more reason why they shouldn't have done it, my DD 16 is autistic, she would really struggle without a private space to retreat to - sharing a bedroom would be hard enough, but being expected to sleep in the living room with other people coming and going would be hell on earth for her.

It's all very well other people saying they wouldn't expect her to be having regular access visits at 17 - the important thing is that it should be her choice if she wants to change the way she visits, a good parent wouldn't push it on her in this way.

LucyMonth · 21/02/2025 16:28

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 16:21

There's wrong assumptions about what they'd prefer for dinner, then there's throwing their bed away.

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“Throwing their bed away” oh give over. This is what I was referring to. A reasonable conversation could be had about this instead of talking in hyperbole.

Her sleeping arrangements have changed. She has her own sleeping space in the living room instead of sharing with her 13 year old (messy) step sister. She doesn’t like this arrangement. That’s fine. A conversation can be had instead of letting the poor girl believing her Dad doesn’t care about her and she isn’t welcome in his house.

Digdongdoo · 21/02/2025 16:31

LucyMonth · 21/02/2025 16:28

“Throwing their bed away” oh give over. This is what I was referring to. A reasonable conversation could be had about this instead of talking in hyperbole.

Her sleeping arrangements have changed. She has her own sleeping space in the living room instead of sharing with her 13 year old (messy) step sister. She doesn’t like this arrangement. That’s fine. A conversation can be had instead of letting the poor girl believing her Dad doesn’t care about her and she isn’t welcome in his house.

Edited

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Her sleeping arrangement didn't just "change". She no longer has a bed or a bedroom. The conversation should have come before. Would you just get rid of your child's bed? I wouldn't.

LucyMonth · 21/02/2025 16:34

NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 16:22

That's even more reason why they shouldn't have done it, my DD 16 is autistic, she would really struggle without a private space to retreat to - sharing a bedroom would be hard enough, but being expected to sleep in the living room with other people coming and going would be hell on earth for her.

It's all very well other people saying they wouldn't expect her to be having regular access visits at 17 - the important thing is that it should be her choice if she wants to change the way she visits, a good parent wouldn't push it on her in this way.

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Yup he’s made a parenting mistake. No one is arguing against that.

The issue is people flying off the handle and assuming this means he doesn’t care about her at all and never wants to see her again once she’s turned 18. That she should completely cut contact with him over it. Oooor maybe behave like rational adults and just have a conversation about it.

There likely has been zero malice in this whatsoever and instead he probably thinks she’ll be relieved to not share with her significantly younger sister who kept the room very messy. & thinks she’ll not want to stay over in the cramped house once she doesn’t “have to” anymore and can dictate the relationship more herself. Clearly he was very wrong. That doesn’t make him the worst person ever. Just misguided and a bit thoughtless.

Original poster

chickenlicken3 · 21/02/2025 16:34

@NImumconfused That's exactly it - it will be hell on earth for DD too! She often needs to be on her own and definitely needs peace and quiet, neither she'll get from sleeping in the lounge!

OP posts:

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 21/02/2025 16:36

Time for her to completely withdraw from them and let them do any running from now on

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 21/02/2025 16:37

The adult stepchild now has the big room to themselves

And old is this "child"? Do the step siblings see their own dad?

LittleBigHead · 21/02/2025 16:39

Her father will reap what he sows. He's made it clear that it's not her home & se's not welcome. If she decides she's not going to visit any more, support her decision.

TeenLifeMum · 21/02/2025 16:40

At 17 I’d have said “okay dad, message heard, you’ve chosen your new family over me!” Then I’d have walked away and never looked back.

makes me so mad but happens all the time, new family and resident dc get priority while older dc gets made to feel like an inconvenience in dad’s home.

LionME · 21/02/2025 16:40

@LucyMonth the problem is that her dad has more or less told her that she isn’t welcome!!
Im sure he knew very well that dd sleeping on the sofa wasn’t going to work. He knew very well that it is making her a guest rather than a member of the household. It’s clamouring even louder that she isn’t family. But a guest at her dad’s house.

A reasonable conversation with someone nearly an adult wouldn’t have involved ‘we’ve moved the bedrooms around and this is where you sleep now’.
And you know very well that no conversation will change the fact she is sleeping on the sofa like a guest. Is woken up during the night and in the morning.

You know very well that it’s not just the dd being difficult ‘because she doesn’t like it’. Hell I’m sure you wouldn’t like it either!

Original poster

chickenlicken3 · 21/02/2025 16:48

@sparepantsandtoothbrush I think the other step sibling is 21. Maybe 20.

I think the younger one sees their dad, not sure about the older one though.

OP posts:

coffeeabdteav · 21/02/2025 16:49

SnoopysHoose · 21/02/2025 13:53

They've maybe worded it wrong but I'd not really be expecting a near 18 yr old to be sticking to access days like they were 5.
My DPs kids are fluid, days change every week as now they're teens they've busy lives of their own.

I can't imagine my dd sticking to this either. So get what you mean. She would rather ne with mates. However it has been working for oo's dd and now it isn't. This will feel like a rejection.

I wouldn't force her to go. Make dad come and take her out for tea. See if he does that.

OrangeYaGlad · 21/02/2025 16:54

LucyMonth · 21/02/2025 14:48

I think people are being a touch unfair.

The 13 year old who is there FT needs her own space now she’s a teen. There may be a reason it’s happened now rather than waiting until September (redecorating/13 year olds birthday, something like that).

As a nearly 18 year old off to uni soon I think it’s reasonable to expect that she isn’t going to be sticking to every other weekend staying over night at her Dad’s house.

She’ll be an adult and doing her own thing, hopefully managing her own relationship with her Dad in a much more relaxed way. Meeting him for dinner, joining him and the others on family outings/holidays etc rather than sticking to a prescribed schedule. I think saying “we didn’t think you’d still be visiting” is being taken too harshly and I doubt it was meant as “I thought I’d never have to see you again”. More..”there’s a place here for you to sleep if you ever want to stay, but we assume you’d rather be doing your own thing soon”.

Does her Dad live nearby? If he lives 3 hours away and she HAS to stay over every time she sees him that’s different but if she can see him for dinner or whatever and then come home/go to her uni digs/go off on a night out with her mates then I don’t think it’s the huge slight people are making it out to be.

This is coming from me who had an “every other weekend” situation with my Dad grown up.

Edited

That's absolute bollocks though, isn't it? The dad has said "bedrooms in my house are for my wife's children, not mine. You are no longer welcome to stay in my house". it couldn't be much more of a slight, in fact.

Audiprettier · 21/02/2025 17:01

scanni · 21/02/2025 13:46

DD was told they weren't expecting her to still be visiting at nearly 18.

Heartbreaking that a parent could say that to their child.

I'm betting that 'THEY weren't expecting her to still...' is actually 'SHE wasn't...(stepmum!), rather than her dad. How unkind!

NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 17:04

LucyMonth · 21/02/2025 16:34

Yup he’s made a parenting mistake. No one is arguing against that.

The issue is people flying off the handle and assuming this means he doesn’t care about her at all and never wants to see her again once she’s turned 18. That she should completely cut contact with him over it. Oooor maybe behave like rational adults and just have a conversation about it.

There likely has been zero malice in this whatsoever and instead he probably thinks she’ll be relieved to not share with her significantly younger sister who kept the room very messy. & thinks she’ll not want to stay over in the cramped house once she doesn’t “have to” anymore and can dictate the relationship more herself. Clearly he was very wrong. That doesn’t make him the worst person ever. Just misguided and a bit thoughtless.

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If he knows she's autistic he should have known that putting her in the living room was tantamount to saying "don't bother coming back". He has deliberately put her in a position that is unbearable for her.

NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 17:06

chickenlicken3 · 21/02/2025 16:34

@NImumconfused That's exactly it - it will be hell on earth for DD too! She often needs to be on her own and definitely needs peace and quiet, neither she'll get from sleeping in the lounge!

Poor DD. It's a shame her father is such an inconsiderate oaf but at least she's got you to look out for her. If she says she won't stay any more, will be make any effort to keep in touch, eg take her for a meal out?

Whatwouldnanado · 21/02/2025 17:08

How horrible. It’s a good job she had you. She needs lots of support and extra attention. Is she still in school? Be extra welcoming to her friends, encourage her to get a part time job perhaps, help her engage with hobbies etc and build her own life outside the family. Her dad will be lucky if she finds time for him going forward.

Bigfellabamboo · 21/02/2025 17:10

SnoopysHoose · 21/02/2025 13:53

They've maybe worded it wrong but I'd not really be expecting a near 18 yr old to be sticking to access days like they were 5.
My DPs kids are fluid, days change every week as now they're teens they've busy lives of their own.

Yes I wonder if this was more their thoughts process. But if daughter has never said that and still continues to come every other weekend they should not have assumed. That being said. Two kids live there full time (?) so in terms of literal space it makes sense they get priority.

HappyChappieDappe · 21/02/2025 17:14

Her dad is a bastard for letting this happen. I hope your DD votes with her feet now on whether or not she wants to see him.

Everydayimhuffling · 21/02/2025 17:15

So the 20 year old is still welcome to live there but at 17 your DD is too old to stay? They're really unfair, OP. I would be inclined to point out to your ex that he is destroying his relationship with his daughter by prioritising his step children, but of course it depends what your relationship with him is like.