To think this is unfair

[chickenlicken3]

DD17 goes to her dad's every other weekend. She's always shared a room with her younger step sibling.

They have recently had a change round of rooms which means DD no longer has a bed and will now be sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room. When questioning the decision, DD was told they weren't expecting her to still be visiting at nearly 18.

DD now no longer wants to go every other weekend (or sleep over at all) as her Dad and step mum are early risers, and you have to walk through the living room in order to get to the kitchen. She also has other step siblings including in the house that return home late at night.

AIBU in thinking this room swap could have been put on hold until she goes to university in September, or is it ok because she's nearly an adult? Would be interested to hear other people's opinions!

I'm upset by this. God knows how upset she is. It's a horrible thing to do and say. Why are some people so nasty. It's his daughter for god sake, he should be loving and cherishing her not treating her as an inconvenience. It's hard to see positives in humans sometimes.
All you can do OP is just love her a bit more to help compensate for having a shit dad.

She says she's 13

I have misread! I see the DD is 17 and the other girl 13. My mistake

"When questioning the decision, DD was told they weren't expecting her to still be visiting at nearly 18."

Well I hope she returns the favour when she's older, when they're elderly and expect her to be waiting on them hand and foot she can remind them that she's far too old to be visiting them.

As OP's daughter is still at school, I would expect the arrangement to continue until she leaves school. It has been made very clear by her dad and step family that she is unwelcome so if I were OP, I'd not expect her to keep going to her dad's any more.

I know she can go low contact and cut him out etc, but it's still sad that as a teenager she has been basically told by her dad she is an inconvenience that he thought would have gone away by the time she was older.
That's really horrible.

They aren't her siblings.

Just another shitty dad putting someone else's kids ahead of his own.

I don't think this done with malice.
She's there 4 days in a month. Not really worth reserving a room for.
However, they could have went about it a different way x

"Not really worth". Says it all. He doesn't value her.
She never had a room reserved for her in the first place.

That is a disgusting way for her Dad to treat her @chickenlicken3 but I hope you aren't going to make her continue going to her Dad's every other weekend? I'm a bit surprised too that access arrangements made a long time ago are still being adhered to though.

To be fair, I can see why the thought processes are, at least partly, that now she and her step-siblings are all a lot older it is difficult to not utilise all the space in the house for the 2 who live there all the time, but there must have been a better way to deal with this. Even a pull out bed in one of the rooms for the nights she was spending there

So sorry for your daughter

Are you for real?

The room swap wasn't actually necessary either. It wasn't done because there wasn't enough room - it was because the younger step sister didn't keep her room tidy, so as a punishment has been made to move to the smaller room. The adult stepchild now has the big room to themselves.

So surely the step sibling could have put up with sharing for only 4 days a month?

It's cruel and if I were her that would be the end of any relationship with her dad.

Your DD is old enough to decide she doesn’t want to go there anymore. I certainly wouldn’t if they’d done that to me. Let her choose and make sure she understands that she doesn’t have to accept crappy, thoughtless behaviour from anyone, even if it is a parent.

Breathtakingly cruel. Your poor DD.

DD was told they weren't expecting her to still be visiting at nearly 18.

Thats such an awful thing to say. Are dads somehow no longer parents once a child turns 18? No contact futher required?
If I were her I would stop visiting immediately.

I think people are being a touch unfair.

The 13 year old who is there FT needs her own space now she’s a teen. There may be a reason it’s happened now rather than waiting until September (redecorating/13 year olds birthday, something like that).

As a nearly 18 year old off to uni soon I think it’s reasonable to expect that she isn’t going to be sticking to every other weekend staying over night at her Dad’s house.

She’ll be an adult and doing her own thing, hopefully managing her own relationship with her Dad in a much more relaxed way. Meeting him for dinner, joining him and the others on family outings/holidays etc rather than sticking to a prescribed schedule. I think saying “we didn’t think you’d still be visiting” is being taken too harshly and I doubt it was meant as “I thought I’d never have to see you again”. More..”there’s a place here for you to sleep if you ever want to stay, but we assume you’d rather be doing your own thing soon”.

Does her Dad live nearby? If he lives 3 hours away and she HAS to stay over every time she sees him that’s different but if she can see him for dinner or whatever and then come home/go to her uni digs/go off on a night out with her mates then I don’t think it’s the huge slight people are making it out to be.

This is coming from me who had an “every other weekend” situation with my Dad grown up.

OP's DD doesn't want to go there anymore as she feels unwelcome and it is difficult for her to sleep in the lounge as her other step siblings come in late from nights out and her dad and step mum get up early, so she doesn't really get a night's sleep or any privacy.

It's hardly ideal, even if she is 17. She is going to University in September, so they could have delayed this until then.

I agree.
Travelling backwards and forwards like a younger child on a custody agreement would do wouldn’t have entered my head at that age and it sounds like, although done in an awful way, they may have simply misread the room drastically here.
Waiting until September when OPs daughter goes off to university would have been a much kinder way to approach this.
I hope she’s ok, OP!

My god that's vicious. I'd be sending some nasty texts to both your ex and his girlfriend telling them what I thought of them and then blocking them. Cruel bastards.

At least DD has got the measure of him now and won’t need to see him again. Awful man.

Your DD is mid-A Levels, so really needs a quiet space to study, not zero private space and the living room sofa to sleep on with step-siblings coming in late disrupting her sleep and early morning wake-ups.

Her Dad has basically shown her he has zero consideration for this challenging time in her life when she needs some support.

I really feel for your dd. My dad did something similar when I was 16 - moved house so my original room was gone and then said well there's a sofa bed if you want to stay over... I never did. In fact I haven't seen him since I was 17 (that's another story mind you).

@thepariscrimefiles
I don't agree, what 17/18 yr old is still shuttling about for a access visit, it's very limiting.
My DC at that age were hardly home; between school/ friends/ hobbies/job there's no way they'd be doing this.
Same with DPs teens, they see him when they have time, it's not some strict must be a weekend nonsense.

@SnoopysHoose DD is autistic so I think that's partly why she enjoys still going - she loves a routine!

Yep I read all that in the OP.

The point I was making was that her Dad (wrongly) assumed that as a nearly adult going off to uni she wouldn’t be wanting the buzzkill of staying overnight at her Dads in her 13 year old step sisters room anymore and would have a much more casual “pop round whenever you like” kind of relationship.

I completely understand that she is hurt, her Dad has misread the situation and this could have waited until September, but I think it’s a leap for people to assume her Dad hates her, doesn’t care about her and never wants to see her again once she’s 18.