To lie and not travel to a work meeting?

[mamabeeboo]

At the company for just over 2 years and dates/location have been announced for the annual work meeting. It's a lot of meetings, presentations, the CEO will be there (woop-de-dah!). It's somewhat relevant to my role, but wouldn't make a difference if I went/didn't go. I know this because when it was on last year, due to budget restraints, some people were not invited (like my team) and this didn't impact anything at all, targets were met and all went well.

I am invited this year and I don't want to go. I don't want the hassle of waking early to take a plane for work, participate in the fake niceties, spend all day trying not to dose off during presentations, have crappy buffet sandwiches daily, then networking dinners, enough to be exhausted to collapse into your hotel room ready to do it all again tomorrow, it's a 3 day long conference but 4 days total including travel time.

Work are arranging the travel that I am there just for the meetings and not a second to spare to see the city or do anything I want to do.

Manager has said it's a great opportunity to meet the wider team (yawn) and the CEO (yippee) and learn more about our products.

No it's not compulsory but "It would be nice" if I could attend.

It's also clearly not an important part of my job, because if it was, I'd have been invited last year.

I have blamed childcare and no one to look after DC. Which is a lie because DH can do it. Manager has expressed disappointment and has been a little off with me (or maybe it's just me overthinking) and has asked maybe DH can take time off work, maybe grandparents can help? I've said no and no.

AIBU?

It’s not mandatory but it would be nice you went? That has mandatory written all over it and if you don’t attend it’ll impact future job performance reviews. I’d go personally.

I don't know how many of you have been in the corporate world

It’s obvious that every single person advising you here is doing so based on their own personal experience.

I get emails from the CEO etc to all hands, I generally skim them, at best.

I'm in a huge corporation with 30K people. I have 5 or 7 layers above me going to the top man (I don't care if it's 5 or 7 or 10, why would I). I answer to my boss, and I expect to be occasionally interacting with the boss-boss (his boss). The boss-boss-boss will not be calling me, he needs to go through my boss-boss, that's how it works. I mean if he does it's Yes Sir Sirrety Sir Sir, but it's never happened, and I don't expect it to. It's just not how gigantic corporate structures usually work, in my limited experience.

I keep my boss happy and help him keep the boss-boss happy. The rest of the corporate stack above that level is not my concern, honestly.

So yes, I fully get the CEO Yawn sentiment. I work bloody hard, I'm good at my job and I'm easy to manage. That's all they need, and that's what they get.

I've avoided several similar type meetings (and made up some excuse) for the same reason - it's a massive waste of time, and really tedious (and I hate networking). However I've been with my company several decades, and there is no risk whatsoever that it would impact my job. You are in a much different situation, so while I sympathise, I would recommend you go on this occasion.

I say bollocks to it. Companies that expect parents to leave their children for 4 days of false niceties and boring twattery are twats. I have always loathed these hideous functions (went to one or two pre-children which is how I know I loathe and disdain them) and certainly would not leave my child to attend one.

Don't go, and don't feel guilty.

One year into your role maybe it wasn't as important that you were there - two years in and having now proven yourself they may want you involved in conversations about growth. Are you a people manager? Even more important that you're on board with the bigger picture stuff and can represent and share with your team.

Im not a huge fan of these things but think it's a missed opportunity. Especially if you want to progress.

YANBU. If you have the job security to say no then why not. It's a free country.
It doesn't matter if everyone else wants to go and network and finds some kind of fulfillment. If you find it pointless, just make up for it in other areas, maybe exceeding your targets or something.

As a mother, I wouldn't pass up the opportunity to have a few peaceful nights in a hotel where I didn't have to cook, and a few mornings without the stress of, well, kids! 😂

I would go purely for that and take my firestick with netflix on.

However, if it's not in your contract then you are not obliged. If the Manager seems put out, maybe she wanted you there because she had plans for you? Are all of the rest of your team going or just you?

It sounds like you don’t enjoy your job - and to be honest if you bring that energy to work I can see why your boss is a bit cool with you.

i assume from what you have said you don’t lead a team. I don’t think that is something you should do.

work takes up so much of your week, and your life. If you are that Luke warm about the work why not change something? Look for a new job.

I'm not a people manager, but I'm senior in the department. I'm absolutely not needed there, and a lot of the presentations go over my head.

The promotions aspect isn't anything I am overly concerned with as I can list of a good few people who give their all at work, attend all meetings, work late and all sorts, and still haven't been promoted. So if they can't then I have no hope.

Definitely will rethink the childcare excuses though, thanks all for the input.

I mean yeah, there is that!
And to be fair, I quite like buffet food and especially little triangular sandwiches.
Trapped in Corporate chit chat tho, god save me from that.

By not going you will likely have lost some of your managers regard for you. Clearly they had you pegged as a person sufficiently committed and keen on developing to take what they see as a good opportunity. So unless you are very fortunate and they completely believe you AND are empathic towards childcare committments, I doubt you are imagining their slight 'coolness' as they will be disappointed in you. Its entirely up to you how much you allow this to matter to you, balanced against how much you don't want to go to the conference.

I can totally understand why you would want to avoid this.

But, as someone who takes responsibility for my own career/ progression, I would, in your situation, be sitting down with my manager to ask what are the real objectives of my attendance?

What does manager, from whose budget this has come, expect to gain in return. Better understanding of my role? Wider network on whom to call for problem resolution? Corporate capital?

I worked for large, multi-nationals for many years; in my experience my managers were always open to such a discussion.

Let's look at it from the other direction. Who here was working for a giant corporation during the Covid crisis? When it turned out that we could have a 95% business travel ban and it had almost ZERO effect on the company.

So it turned out that 95% of this corporate travel is just middle-upper management and sales folk spaffing the corporate credit cards producing very limited value to the business.

They are all busy pretending that didn't happen, but it did, I was there.

Unless one is lucky enough to work in sector that relates to their true passions (rare in my experience), then no, most people aren't that interested in their company or job.

People generally work to live. They don't live to work, and there's nothing wrong with that.

4 days in a year seems very little effort. Is it a job or a career?

I would dispute the. Zero-effect theory.

It may have had little effect in the short term, but longer term collaboration routes/ communication short-cuts/ team cohesion , suffered. Hence why we hear of increasing numbers calling people back into the office.

It’s not because they want to pay more rent/ business rates etc. It’s to improve performance

Or no one was traveling so there was nothing to miss.

I travelled every month to a meeting overseas. It went online during Covid. We got 75% of the business done - but missed out of the chats on the periphery. Covid ended, the meeting went back to being in person and everyone showed up. Again it was the chat in the bar afterwards where I learnt the most! It was in a shared taxi to the airport that I learnt about an issue that could have been a disaster had I not got out ahead of it. It would never have been raised in a formal online meeting - because at that stage it was gossip.

Everyone claims Covid was a perfect time - it was pretty awful! We all did what we had to do in an emergency situation. Bit for a lot of sectors the in person interaction is invaluable.

These type of events can affect career progression, as well as being very useful to make contacts, but the reason why your manager is being cool with you is because your lack of attendance makes them look bad. It part of their job to get bums on seats for such corporate parties, as without the numbers, there won't be much of an atmosphere.

As a result, middle managers can sulk with employees to who don't come to the party, so I guess you have to weigh up how important their influence is.

There may be freebies 😉

The phrase “go over my head” sounds like you are not as confident as you like to portray. I’d be very surprised if any presenters at an event deliberately pitched what they are saying at a level which would exclude anyone.

Do you really mean that you would not understand - eg you are a PA and they are scientists talking about details of research that you need a degree in pharmacology to understand? Or is it that you are not interested in something like a discussion about how to expand the business or why last year’s financial results looked like they did?
In my organisation we provide a specialist service to people. The people who do the actual service -providing work alongside a massive team of people in billing, facilities, HR etc. The number one issue is that many of the internal people don’t really understand enough about what the client-facing people do. This can lead to misunderstandings that waste time and resources. It is at events such as yours that presentations and social interactions start to bridge that gap a bit. But it’s more subtle than saying “come along now to a lecture for HR that explains what our surveyors do all day”.

I don’t think that you can possibly have any statistics to back up what you say. There is a huge middle ground between living to work and having zero interest in the organisation you work for.

Only read OP's posts.

It sounds like you don't like your job, or have much respect for those above you.
If that's how you feel then no wonder you don't want to go.

I am in academia which is a very different world. Thankfully I very much enjoy my job and get a lot out of travel/conferences. Even though the conference may not directly impact my work in tangible ways, a lot of it is about meeting people, making ourselves known (I am in publishing).

I am unable to travel a great deal because I am a lone parent. My job security and position are fine (I made sure travel was not an absolute requirement), but while it hasn't held me back, it may have stopped me moving forward in some ways.

And surely an event like this is a great compromise for those who don’t want be called back into the office- get together in person for a few days and WFH/flexibly as much as you like the rest of the time?

I not only attend research conferences, I thrive on them. These are networking opporutunities, a way to keep abreast of my field alongside people from different institutions up and down the country and beyond. As far as my home organisation is concerned 'corporate' events comprising away days, some of them 2-3 days back-to-back, are another matter entirely. They are tortuous: nothing is ever said that's worth hearing or I couldn't learn in a fraction of the time from mere emails. Thankfully these days I have legitimate reasons not to attend (not childcare) so I don't. The system and the institution do not love us back.

The point upthread that women are somehow letting down other women by using childcare as 'excuse' is a nonsense which again puts the onus of responsibility for systemic failings on women. For one thing, we don't owe allegiance to other women on account of shared XX chromosomes. Sometimes our own family and personal circumstances take precedence over the imaginary 'sisterhood'. For another, until society stops viewing childcare as solely a woman's role, then childcare issues will continue to be a legitimate reason why women are unable to attend events away from home. If we really want to help women, then this is the point with which we need to take issue.

For your line manager to question you about grandparents, family and your personal childcare arrangements is an overstep, OP. If she pushes it further I would politely but firmly tell her this. As to this point in your post: 'It's not compulsory but it would "be nice" if you could attend': there's that nauseating, worn-out, trite phrase again. 'Be nice'. I've yet to see a comparative situation where it's used in the context of men.

Also, the fewer excuses you give as to why you can't (simply citing family circumstances is fine), the less room for manoeuvre she has to cajole you into doing what she wants. Women don't owe society or employers 'nice', and they don't own us or our personal time. I've learned that the power of 'no' usually garners me more rather than less respect.