To reschedule another time if friends need to bring their toddler or baby to hangouts?

[Vicosa321]

you know when you suddnely plan to meet up with a friend of small children but without their kids and suddnely something happens or change or things meaning they have to bring LO if meeting up.

have had some that want reschedule to another time for adult meet up instead, and another friend with the question «have to bring LO, you don’t mind?» and i kinda hate this one because they don’t ask you if you want to reschedule to another time instead where you can be 2 adults having adults convo and meet up. And this one makes it seem like you are an asshole if you say no. My friends child are lovley but i do need some adult time with them aswell. And i know im not an asshole by asking to hang another time instead? But some may take offence and assume by my answer that i don’t want to see their LO. Once a while sure but everytime? Not. Babies and toddler change the dynamic of meet ups

Totally reasonable, say you’d love silly time, let’s reschedule, shouldn’t be an issue.

@Vicosa321 i know hehe, you have some who say sure! And some who get a bit offence

And i know im not an asshole by asking to hang another time instead?

So why the thread?

Sadly I rarely get to see my friends without their kids. I don't think I've had a proper conversation with one of my friends in months because on the rare occasion that they are not a child's birthday party and we see them, we all spend the time focused on the children and conversation is only surface level. It's a real shame.

We did have time in the diary for 3 of us to go for a girl's dinner but it took 3 months to find a date we could all accommodate and on the day she was sadly ill. I had a lovely one on one with my other friend though which was much needed.

As a result, most of my friends don't really know any of the 'big' things going on in my life as I refuse to share things like that via WhatsApp as they are too private and personal.

It's a really hard stage of the friendship. I think we are in different places now.

@OneWaryCat aww thas sad yea :( but same i know things is dif as soon as friends get kids, And its understandable. But its a total dif thing when you meet up without kids bcs most of the time there so much things you have in mind to talk about. So i prefer to reschedule to another time instead

My friend used to turn up with her child and husband. Every time. We are no longer friends 😞 it changes the dynamic and having to choose where to eat around kids menus is boring.n

You're not unreasonable to want to meet up without kids. But at the same time do try to understand that it's not always easy to get childcare for young children. So by all means reschedule but you'll need to accept that you will see a lot less of your friends if you only want to see them without their kids. I appreciate it changes the dynamic but they won't be little forever.

I used to reschedule.

Oh this is annoying. Surely the husband could have just looked after the child for a couple of hours?

This thread makes me feel bad...I had my oldest 8 years before my best friend became a mum and was never able to meet up without him..

Don't feel bad. I love seeing my friends' kids. 🙂

That’s different though @Katemax82 . It sounds like OP’s friend does have childcare sometimes.

When the kids are old enough (5+), then they can be stuck on a separate table with their headphones on and a screen. My parents usually put us on a separate children's table when they went out with friends so they could have an adult meal and we loved it (and were very well-behaved).

Not unreasonable at all. I've still got this problem with one friend and her DD is 22.

@crocheteveryday i dont quite understand the they wont be little forever, yea they lovley kids but its my friends i want to see. My n my friends have quite busy lives, so im not that offended that i see them once a month or every 2 month. But i do expect a bit adult time when there is a second parent in the picture

It just depends how often you want to see them. If you’re happy to wait and have fewer meet-ups then it’s fine to suggest it, but don’t be arsey with them if they don’t have another date for a while, or if you reorganise and then their child is ill again. I know a number of kids who were ill constantly for pretty much their whole first year at nursery!

Unless they are single mothers or have husbands who work night shifts, I can’t see how it’s difficult to arrange a drink with a friend once a month?

But were they all single mothers? Surely the other parent can cope with a few sniffles? Obviously if it’s something serious and they need to be checked over at hospital then fine, but myself or my husband was able to cope with a runny nose and temperature on our own for a few hours in the evening.

I totally get it, sometimes it's just hard finding childcare and sometimes tbh i just would rather be with my husband and baby because we dont actually get a lot of time together, other times though I cant wait to get away and be an adult 😂

Could it be one of your friends just genuinely doesnt want to go without her baby?

I think it's completely fair enough. An evening without kids is a totally different dynamic and it also changes where you can go etc. I really wanted to organize a nice dinner out with friends for my husband's birthday and it ended up being a lunchtime pub with a garden with kids play area and I don't think I had a proper conversation once! But they are in that stage of life and we are not and we can just go for dinner the two of us. I'd rather take the time I have with friends than leave it, but I definitely wouldn't want to be around their kids everytime or too regularly as I find it quite boring.

There was a very similar thread a while ago, I wonder if this is the same OP?
You can't expect much adult-only time while friends have small children.
Think about it. They will want and need to fit in time with their partner plus the children (so one of them doing childcare while the other goes out is limited), as well as time for work and exercise and wider family commitments. The amount of time they have free without the children is likely to be very small each month, and that has to be spread between all the adult-only things they want to do, including socialising with all the friends they want to keep up with.
In this case of needing to bring a little one at the last moment, there may not be a time they can easily offer to rearrange to. If you object to seeing them with their children most of the time, it might be better to back off for a while and look forward to the parents being more available once the children are older and more independent.

I said that to her many times, can we meet. Just us two and she would say sure no problem and then all get out the car. Mine would be at home which looks like I didn't want to spend time with them!!

I understand but it's a very black and white view.

Some have genuinely shitty husbands who control them by letting them down last minute to stop the going out.

Some women have a genuine anxiety about leaving their kids at the last moment.

As a friend, my first reaction would probably be to be annoyed because it totally changes the dynamic but then I'd remind myself that hopefully they will come back to me once the short under 5s period is over and take a deep breath and try to:

• See friend on a baby friendly setting, like their own home
• make plans as a group so if baby is brought along it doesn't impact me so much
• make plans for something massively unchildfriendly like pubbing or a spa visit and accept they may drop out

-.sort out an evening catch up for 8pm so when baby is in bed.

I found that once my friends became parents, they prioritised their child-free time on lots of other things but never me. Oddly enough this seemed to be connected to the fact that when we did meet, they’d sit back and let me take over parenting for them.

Eventually I got tired of this, grew a spine and made new friends (without kids).

It’s a balance isn’t it. Friendship is a two way street and if they’ve just decided that becoming a parent means no longer having to put any effort in because you’ll do it all then you don’t need friends like that. Just my view!

This