To reschedule another time if friends need to bring their toddler or baby to hangouts?

[Vicosa321]

you know when you suddnely plan to meet up with a friend of small children but without their kids and suddnely something happens or change or things meaning they have to bring LO if meeting up.

have had some that want reschedule to another time for adult meet up instead, and another friend with the question «have to bring LO, you don’t mind?» and i kinda hate this one because they don’t ask you if you want to reschedule to another time instead where you can be 2 adults having adults convo and meet up. And this one makes it seem like you are an asshole if you say no. My friends child are lovley but i do need some adult time with them aswell. And i know im not an asshole by asking to hang another time instead? But some may take offence and assume by my answer that i don’t want to see their LO. Once a while sure but everytime? Not. Babies and toddler change the dynamic of meet ups

Before I had children I used to genuinely enjoy meeting up with friends who had their children with them. After I had kids - much less so, unless we both had ours.

It just depends on so many factors but if I didn't want to meet up with a friend with their child in tow then I would reschedule without much guilt. I would probably say 'Ah that's a shame - don't think [whatever you had planned without children] would be much fun for them, so let's reschedule'

I wouldn't expect (or even want) to always meet up with a friend without their children though - but I would want that bit planned from the start. Expectations are then in line.

@fitzwilliamdarcy
Ahh that sucks! :/
i don’t expect them to meet up with me more than it gets, but for me is more when they act a bit offended when i ask to reschedule to another time instead, and they act a bit off since they take it as i don’t want to see their LO. But as you say it is a two way street. And other or my friends also want to reschedule because they want to see me without their kids in tow.

I have a very young baby and wouldn't feel offended. I take my baby when I'm meeting friends with young babies too.

If I'm meeting friends with adult children or no children and my babysitting arrangements fell off, then I cancel the meeting. I love my child but I understand that if you don't have a baby or children, you're likely not wanting to hang out with them to a restaurant or other activity.

You sound really young or really selfish, or perhaps just both.

@Wishingplenty lol why so? Its even good for parents aswell

I’m a mum to a toddler and I don’t think OP is selfish for wanting to meet up with her friend without the kids.

I still ensure I make time for friends to meet up alone and have a proper catch it, don’t get me wrong it’s not as often but I still want to be “me” I still want to see my friend have a glass of wine and like old times.

I would give someone grace if they are a single parent with limited childcare, or if their husband / wife worked away or on nights.

Some people don’t want to leave their babies, especially if breastfeeding, when they might not be able to. Also, if they’ve returned to work, they might not want to then leave baby or toddler during their time off.

See I think this is valid and that friends who do not have children need to understand this but at the same time, in OP’s situation she has made baby free plans and her friend has then text to say baby now needs to come. OP wanted to know if she was ok to ask to reschedule instead which in my opinion is fine.

I agree with young from the style of English, but people really don't understand how tedious their kids are. When someone brings their kid along it becomes an entirely different event to what you invited them to in the first place. Plus it's rude to invite extra people to anything.

For me it depended on the time and what had been planned. I dislike restaurant meals, bars and pubs, cinema and exercise type things when with small children, so if one of those would reschedule, or if really wanted so see the friend and/or they were single or had a generally shit partner I’d alter the plan.

If it was something like a walk / coffee in the park I’d usually be fine with DC coming along.

I once spent a lot of money on childcare and trying to look OK after a rough postnatal patch to attend a friend’s boozy, evening birthday meal, to be sat next to another guest’s toddler for the meal. Was fuming!

Hey OP. It's very much a situationship when kids are small. I have older teenagers and never really had issues at that time with meeting friends as they were bottle babies and happy to go to anyone and had no issues with meeting my mates ( I was first in friend group to have kids).
However, I now have 2 (2 and under) littles and have had an extremely difficult time the past 4 months. My mother was very unwell, needed hospitalised, cared for at home and subsequently died 3 weeks ago in Hospice care. Throughout this time I was occasionally able to get my toddler minded, but my baby (now 10 months) is breastfed and absolutely refuses bottle or spoon-feed. The child was with me in hospital, at the GPs, overnight at my mother's, at the hospice and the funeral. I just had to bring her with me as I didn't know how long I would be away.
I have quite a few child free friends or friends with kids the same age as my older teenagers.
Much as I would love some kid free time, I just can't right now and I'm so so so grateful to my friends that can see past that fact and they are aware that I still need to see them even though I may have one or two kids in tow.
I know this is a season for me and no I don't expect my mates to do child friendly dates all the time or forever. It's just that they have been there for me right now (even with the kids in tow) and I will always be grateful for that......however I do not see them as a babysitting opportunity when I meet them. My kids, my responsibility. They will offer to hold little one so I can eat, but I always make sure they have eaten their food first before I would even hand baby over.
What I'm trying to say is it depends on circumstances and generally most people have an awful lot of things to squeeze into a bit of free time, and some people prioritise different things at different stages of their kids lives. As a mother I don't want my kids with me all the time but right now it's a matter of take one or more along or don't get to have a life right now.
Good question though OP 🤔 I like to see points of view on this one x

I had my kids young and a lot of my friends didn't have children. I did enjoy a night out without kids but sometimes I'd have to say come round to mine because I didn't always have a babysitter or if it was daytime, I just can't get out without the kids. So we would sit in the garden and chat while the kids played - i was lucky that my kids were happy playing and didn't want attention all the time! Or I would get the kids to bed and we'd have a takeaway and a bottle of wine and catch up. Sometimes you just have to be understanding when your friends have small children, their needs come first for a few years!

Nope sorry. I don’t want constant interruptions, time cut short due to tiredness, noise or child friendly places.
And yes I am a mother

It gets much easier to find child free time as they get older. I breastfed my two and my first in particular was very attached to me and wouldn't settle for anyone else. That made it very hard for me to do anything without her. Now they are older they have their own activities, playdates, sleepovers with friends, they don't mind if I'm not there for bedtime, they don't get upset when I leave the house...

When I said "they won't be little forever" I wasn't suggesting you need to savour time spent with the kids, I was saying that your friends will be more available as their kids grow up. But for now you may need to be patient and accept that it's not always easy to do things without the kids being around.

You say the parents will be more available as the dc grow, but I recall posting on here years ago requesting advice about friends with 2 mid teens, who insisted on bringing them to dinner parties every time. It drove me mad and I found it very difficult to ask them not to bring them. Yea, I was a wuss. Nowadays, I’d just straight up ask them to leave them at home (both nt dc, perfectly fine to be left).

Bloody hell! I've not encountered anything like this but mine aren't teens yet so I guess there's still time... I bet that wasn't how the kids wanted to spend their evening!

It's hard finding childcare for a few hours if you don't have help so taking LO along is only way really for many of us.

i understand your point, but let’s face it some men are crap at looking after their own kids, guilt trip and pull a last min night out - so your friend might be stuck - it me and baby or nothing! They may really want some adult company - you don’t k ow what they did to even get out that day!

Maybe talk to your friends and see which it is?

Kids seemed very willing. I taught one of them so had to be very polite. Very surreal situation.

Yea i 100% get you. Thats why i want to reschedule to another time instead since when we usally meet up and they bring toddler with them. The whole hang out becomes about the toddler and entertaining toddler/baby. And its really boresome. Theres no time to talk about other things because the kiddo dominates the hang out

I didn't vote, as I think it's very much a case-by-case situation.

For example, a young baby who mostly sleeps is very different from an alert, intelligent toddler. (I'd be ok with my friend bringing a baby, but might ask to reschedule if she's bringing her toddler).

What is the activity you're doing, and what time of day are you meeting? A coffee shop at 10am? I'd gladly tell my friend to bring her child. A wine bar at 8pm? I'd ask to reschedule.

What are my friend's circumstances? Is she a single mum, or someone who doesn't have access to a trusted and reliable babysitter? I'd cut her some slack and encourage her to bring her child. Similarly, if she works full-time, and has very little spare time to spend with her child, I wouldn't quibble if she wanted to bring them along.

Is this just a casual catch-up, or do I have big / sad / scary news to impart to her? I'd go ahead in the former case, but ask to reschedule for the latter.

Finally OP, I've often been the childless friend in this situation. I find a great solution is to go around to my friend's place, rather than us going 'out'. The kid(s) are there, and I interact with them for a bit, but they invariably drift away to play, or have a nap, etc, and my friend and I get to catch up. Win-win for everyone.

I get why you don't want the children there, I really do. And if they had planned an adult only meetup with you then surely your friends don't want their kids there either!

But I think I would be a bit pissed off too. Not because I think you should be in admiration in front of my kids, but because I would hope you could tolerate them enough that you would still want to spend time with me.
Rescheduling is unlikely to happen anytime soon, let's be honest.

So I guess - whilst stuck at home with the kids on my own on my "child-free afternoon" of the century - I would be pissed at the situation, and some of it would be for my friend.
And next time I have a chance to organise some child-free time, I'll pick another mum with young children because they'll understand better if things have to change.

Here’s what I’ve learned. People with kids are more likely go spend child free time with the people who accepted the kids when it wasn’t possible to get time away.

They feel more supported and accepted. They tend to drop away from friends who only want to see them without kids.

I think a mixture is absolutely fine. Sometimes meet with friends with kids and other times without. I think it's much harder for single parent although I am not single parent my DH does shifts so it limits me on the weekends/evenings. Also means we have less weekends as a family together but I still try to prioritise seeing my friends every so often without kids on a weekend that DH is free to look after them. Or if he is on nights I'll invite friends over for dinner and drinks and usually put the kids to bed promptly!

I think it depends on why she now needs to bring the child. Genuine reason then I would say yeah let's still meet up but also rearrange an adult time. If it's because the dad is being useless then I am not sure as tbh the mum then needs to push back onto the dad. Not push the child onto friends when it was agreed to meet without kids.