To reschedule another time if friends need to bring their toddler or baby to hangouts?

[Vicosa321]

you know when you suddnely plan to meet up with a friend of small children but without their kids and suddnely something happens or change or things meaning they have to bring LO if meeting up.

have had some that want reschedule to another time for adult meet up instead, and another friend with the question «have to bring LO, you don’t mind?» and i kinda hate this one because they don’t ask you if you want to reschedule to another time instead where you can be 2 adults having adults convo and meet up. And this one makes it seem like you are an asshole if you say no. My friends child are lovley but i do need some adult time with them aswell. And i know im not an asshole by asking to hang another time instead? But some may take offence and assume by my answer that i don’t want to see their LO. Once a while sure but everytime? Not. Babies and toddler change the dynamic of meet ups

A group of my friends almost all had children before me, and I didn't mind all the babies then toddlers coming along, because that was their stage of life. By the time I had DS, they were ready for evenings out or awkward venues, so it no longer suited for any babies to come. I just gave up and dropped them; the friends I see now are the ones oddly who didn't have kids, because they were consistently there for me and vice versa (though I don't usually bring DS now), as well as new mum friends. There isn't a one size fits all solution here, but I'd think hard OP - are you failing to make time for them with their needs now, or are they only doing what suits them and not you? Maybe it'll take a few years to work out, but it is worth thinking over.

Surely you know the time of day will make it much more likely someone's likely to bring a child along? Meet at 8pm, unlikely, meet at 2pm, likely.

I have young DC, I work and my only child free time is weekends and evenings unless I have a day off mid-week. It becomes so difficult to fit everything in; housework, DIY, exercise, shopping, seeing friends and at the same time, I want to maximise time with my baby. So I tend to meet up with friends that also have DC as they just get it.

I’m the same in terms of work, but I prioritise seeing friends at least once a month or every two months. If we meet at 7pm, I’m not really missing out on anytime with my child as they go to bed at 7.30pm. You could even meet later when they’re in bed and you won’t miss anything.

It’s hard meeting with children as your mind is half on supervising your child and half on your friend, and personally I feel like we can’t catch up properly. I’d much prefer to sacrifice a few hours of cleaning on a midweek evening and have a proper catch up without being interrupted every few minutes!

Wow, no parent I know would choose to do that! Nor did mine. If you take them, they are part of the conversation.

I was the last of my friends to have kids, but daytime stuff, they always came.

If I was going child free, it would be more likely in the evening for food or drinks, which we did regularly when the kids were weaned, with friends and school mums

I met a colleague who is on mat leave with her baby last week, and my teen was at school. It was lovely.

We loved having a children's table. We used to sit and talk and we'd bring our "secret" notebooks to colour in and our parents would let us order a fizzy drink each and ice-cream and the waiter/waitress would come over to take our orders.

Completely understand that you want adult time but seeing you with her kids in tow might well be the closest thing your friend gets to adult time right now. Can you not see her more than once. So support her this time with the kids in tow, see how she is coping and then arrange an evening thing where kids just can’t come another time?

@Hugattack well its not that easy when sje priotizes her other bestfriend with a baby close to hers baby age one on one time, but with me it has to be with baby on tow. Also theres no adult or even close adult time with small children around since it all becomes about the child.

So what are these types of parents bringing to any friendship exactly? Doesn't sound like a lot! It all seems to be one sided and how the parent can feel supported.

That's making a great assumption that all parents want to spend time with their partners and kids ( who they see every day) rather than friends Right from my kids being born I still wanted to see my friends with them.

I don't think it's an unreasonable assumption, though? Surely many (if not most) busy parents would prefer to spend their precious limited free time with their families, rather than other people?

It's nothing personal against the friends, it's just how it is!

She has a baby. She is not prioritizing this friend or that friend she is just doing whatever she needs to do to get through the day. I can’t understand why you think this woman should be catering to your needs when it’s highly likely her own needs aren’t even close being to met. You should be grateful she even agreed to meet you and stop being so self centred. Other people don’t exist purely for your convenience.

Hi @Vicosa321 I used to be you 10 years ago and I stopped contacting them to meet up. Unsurprisingly they didn’t contact me until about a year ago and up to now still try to arrange “dinner and dancing like we used to” but I have moved on and have new friends, work and life is busy so just not free when they are.

Precious free time? On maternity leave and stay safe at home mums see the kids constantly and their partners when not at work. Even full time workers ar e not generally away from their families more often than together

OPs friends probably also want to see friends without their children . I was saying that they may not be able to easily fit in as many of these meetings as op would like.

@Hugattack grateful about what?
How can someone be grateful if meeting is being dominated by someones toddler? You’r thinking also sounds a bit self centred and one sided. Friendship is supposed to be give and take. Not only take.. its more understandable if its a breastfeeding baby but a toddler can stay home with their dad.

My friends child are lovley but i do need some adult time with them aswell.

you sound entitled. Good luck with that.

Oh I have lots of thoughts on this! I'm a single woman in my 30s. All of my closest friends have young children.

I accept that this is a period where I will need to do a bit more flexing in terms of meet ups. I don't mind that because I have wonderful friends who make me feel cherished in other ways. I know that it is temporary.

But I try to do it in a way that works for me. So I think before accepting invitation to children's birthday parties (as you're right, adult conversation is often impossible). And when I do accept a very kid-friendly activity (e.g. park) I go into it expecting that the purpose is to spend time with my friend and her children rather than expecting a proper catch up.

I also genuinely love my friends' children - I don't know if I'll have children and I get so much joy out of getting to know them and spending time with children generally, it's not something I'd otherwise get to do. I accept this might be harder if you don't feel the same. Also, they are the most important thing in my friends' lives - so if I didn't show an interest in them at all then I feel like our friendship wouldn't be moving with the times?

What I will often do is go to a friend's house, see kids for a bit for bath and bedtime and then catch up properly after they've gone to sleep.

I've also let a couple of friendships with second tier people drift. Not really consciously, but neither of us are really interested in going out of our way for the other.

I also try to be honest with my friends about my needs, I don't want to become a martyr and have the friendships not serve me. Last year I had a very sad event. All of my close friends stepped up, took the effort to come over my way, time to support me etc. No one suggested meeting with their kids in a park on a Saturday. Similarly, this year I have 3 girls trips booked with friends, who are now able to leave their young children for a couple of nights. I don't think these things would have happened had I been adamant for the past 5 years that only a Friday night supper worked for me.

Anyway, bit of a ramble, but this is how I navigate it!

I think it's fine to say no thanks if it doesn't work for you.

If I'm meeting a friend for adult catch up I don't want kids there, mine or anyone else's!

It's different if it's a specific meet up with all kids invited.

This! Was trying to find the words.

In our group if we arrange no kids.
It's no kids.
If I don't got mine, I don't want yours 🙃😜
E are happy enough to joke away about it

You should be grateful she even agreed to meet you. 😱

I've left my friends with younger children to suggest things around what they feel comfortable with. I've met up with them with or without their children. If you offer understanding and flexibility close friendships tend to survive OK. I've never thought they feel I should be grateful for their company though.

NO!

went to lunch yesterday - OK only pizza express, but yummy mummy had to keep yelling across my table having a bloody conversation with child/supervising menu choices/telling him to behave.
The two children (12-13 maybe) weren't that much of a problem.
I'd have happily rammed Marcus's pizza down Mummy's throat to shut her up. (asking her politely had no bloody effect).

@Outchy so you never have adult catch ups? You should try lol