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Original poster

To find mother’s comments so upsetting? *Content warning added my MNHQ: references miscarriage*

86 replies

Firsthingsfirst · 20/02/2025 11:53

I have two wonderful children, aged 4 and 2, I’m so proud and happy to have them in my life.

Last summer I underwent IVF with one of our remaining embryos, fell pregnant but miscarried at 7 weeks. I had an incomplete miscarriage which went on for months, finally I expressed the pregnancy tissue after taking misoprostol. I went back to the IVF clinic to try again, was told I had developed an infection. It was still there after a round of antibiotics. I couldn’t take carrying on and trying again. So we decided to appreciate what we had - two amazing children, and close the chapter for a third child.

This has always been quite upsetting, in my heart I’d love another child but I didn’t want to take more time away from enjoying my current children, being there for them, the impact on the marriage, the impact on my body, and the costs. Partner said they’d rather stop, so I felt I had no choice to push and it wasn’t right to do so.

My mother has pushed and pushed for me to keep going throughout all of this. Today she asked again if I’d have another, to which I replied my children are enough. She said they’re not enough, two isn’t enough and I’ll regret this when I’m older and it’s too late. I said that I found that quite insulting and she said she’s a grandmother and grandmothers say this stuff.

I’m just feeling so upset because my greatest fear is regretting closing this door and her comments really touched a nerve.

I guess I’m looking for words of reassurance and advice, and also to hear people’s own experiences, if they’ve ever stuck with one or two, before feeling done. I don’t know how to handle my mother without just shutting it down, which never really works long term

OP posts:
Azandme · 20/02/2025 12:00

I could only have the one, and I desperately wanted two. Still do if I'm honest, but I'm 46, riddled with Endo, and don't ovulate due to PCOS, so I've mostly come to terms with it.

You have two beautiful children - you are blessed. I have one beautiful child and I am blessed.

You will be able to do more with two than three, have more individual time for them, and they will always have a friend.

My dd's dad was one of three, he always said if we had three we'd have to have four because one always gets left out.

Your children can always get a one on one hug with a parent even if the other is having one too. Two laps for two children.

Enjoy your family - and ignore your mum.

TemporaryPosition · 20/02/2025 12:03

That's awful of your mum to say. To privately think, that's her own business. But to say it to you knowing the challenges you face is so obviously going to be hurtful. Did you tell her this?

MikeRafone · 20/02/2025 12:03

child or children are always always enough - end of
if you not wanting children then that is also enough

it really is that simple

HH4432 · 20/02/2025 12:04

I said that I found that quite insulting and she said she’s a grandmother and grandmothers say this stuff

Sounds like she is proud to be a hurtful, thankless cow. What a sad woman.

SillySeal · 20/02/2025 12:04

I can't offer advice but I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you have been though all that. It must have been so hard and you've made a brave decision.

I think if you have peace with that decision, your mum was quite rude to say 2 isn't enough. It isn't about what your mum wants it's about what is right for you. Does she have a lot of children herself?

I did want 3 children but stuck at 2 due to finances. It took a while to accept and every so often I do still think what if but ultimately I don't regret my choice as it was right for us at the time.

Alwaysbackandforth · 20/02/2025 12:04

Your mother's behaviour is dreadful OP.

She should be listening to you and your concerns and supporting you in your decisions.

She should not be bulldozing you into doing what she wants you to do.

I'm older now but fwiw my first son died at 3 weeks old. My second son was born 12 years after that as a result of fertility treatment. I would have loved to have had another child when he was young but I never did. But I am so grateful to have my wonderful, now adult, son.

I think you are right to enjoy the children you have and appreciate them.

CurtainsCurtain · 20/02/2025 12:05

She sounds monumentally tactless and interfering. However, on this, her opinion is absolutely irrelevant. If you think you made the right call, ultimately, in deciding to call a halt to the physical and emotional mindfuck that is IVF for a lot of people, then honour that. Other people, outside you and your partner, don’t get a say.

MikeRafone · 20/02/2025 12:05

I said that I found that quite insulting and she said she’s a grandmother and grandmothers say this stuff

tbh she is correct - grandmothers chat shit as much as anyone else

CurtainsCurtain · 20/02/2025 12:06

MikeRafone · 20/02/2025 12:03

child or children are always always enough - end of
if you not wanting children then that is also enough

it really is that simple

This is also true. I have one child. My MIL thinks this is not enough. I think differently.

Fencehedge · 20/02/2025 12:07

"I will not be bullied, you will drop this subject otherwise you won't be seeing much of us"

Youcanttakeanelephantonthebus · 20/02/2025 12:08

She doesn't respect your decision. I bet if you told her a male consultant said no more she wouldn't question it.

username299 · 20/02/2025 12:09

There's obviously something wrong with her which I'm sure you're already aware of. I doubt her behaviour has come out of the blue. I would find her behaviour very upsetting and would limit contact with her for the time being. In future just cut her off: leave, put the phone down and refuse to discuss it again.

AnnaAkhmatova · 20/02/2025 12:10

You were not put on this earth to present your mother with babies. Tell her this and ask her not to raise this again if she values your relationship.

35965a · 20/02/2025 12:10

She’s an idiot. One child is enough, two children is enough etc. I would love another (I have two) but sometimes you have to follow your head and not your heart, for so many reasons. You’ve been through a lot and she seems to enjoy pissing on your parade.

Upchuck · 20/02/2025 12:13

Horrible thing for her to say. Of course, one child is enough, some people aren't even able to have that. it's also not going to be very helpful to you when you're doing your best to be okay with the situation. Don't stand for it if she says it again.

XWKD · 20/02/2025 12:14

How vile.

Endofyear · 20/02/2025 12:14

Obviously what she said was tactless and hurtful and not okay. Your only consideration in making the decision is what's right for your own family and not what your mother thinks. However, I do wonder if she is feeling that you really want another child and have 'given in' to your partner when he says he wants to stop IVF? Is it coming from a place of concern for you?

Dearg · 20/02/2025 12:15

I would be telling my mum to mind her own business . That is a truly awful thing to say to you in your circumstances.
i am
nit one to sulk or advocate no contact, but I would be taking a break from her, and would not be confiding in her

Sacmagique75 · 20/02/2025 12:15

How many siblings do you have out of interest?

mbosnz · 20/02/2025 12:16

Bitchy, self absorbed and unempathic grandmothers say that sort of shit. So, she's owning being that sort is she? Fuck her.

This is quite hard enough for you as it is.

TemporaryPosition · 20/02/2025 12:17

MikeRafone · 20/02/2025 12:03

child or children are always always enough - end of
if you not wanting children then that is also enough

it really is that simple

It's not simple because OP did want more. Did we read the same post?

toomuchfaff · 20/02/2025 12:17

She said they’re not enough, two isn’t enough and I’ll regret this when I’m older and it’s too late.

This is projecting.
She needs to understand that what comes into her head doesn't have to come out of her mouth and she needs to keep her projections to herself and deal with them.

Your life isn't hers. You have made your decision and would appreciate her support, not her judgement.

Monumental asshole.

I'd be telling her to stop, you won't discuss this further and if she intends to carry on you'll withdraw. This is an absolute boundary she isnt to cross anymore.

Cornflakes123 · 20/02/2025 12:22

What a stupid thing to say. Two is not enough for who exactly ? Her ? How ridiculous. I am pregnant after Ivf trying for a second child. My mother knew about my infertility struggles and wouldn’t dream of saying anything to me about it. She would in fact remind me of the positives of having an only child. Your mother must not have a clue, sorry.

Zusammengebrochen · 20/02/2025 12:25

With all due respect mum, this isn't about you. You are well aware that I'd have loved another child, but it just seems not to be. I'm focusing on the two amazing kids I do have instead of putting myself through more heartbreak. Please respect that.

cakeisallyouneed · 20/02/2025 12:26

Your mum needs to separate out 2 things, her right to have feelings and her right to communicate those feelings.
Of course as grandmother she's allowed to feel sad and disappointed. But what does sharing that with you achieve? You need to feel held and supported right now.
Does she normally go around telling everyone her feelings about their life choices or just you? I'd be asking how her telling you that is showing you support.
You're doing the right thing for you. Stay strong OP.

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