To find mother’s comments so upsetting? *Content warning added my MNHQ: references miscarriage*

[Firsthingsfirst]

I have two wonderful children, aged 4 and 2, I’m so proud and happy to have them in my life.

Last summer I underwent IVF with one of our remaining embryos, fell pregnant but miscarried at 7 weeks. I had an incomplete miscarriage which went on for months, finally I expressed the pregnancy tissue after taking misoprostol. I went back to the IVF clinic to try again, was told I had developed an infection. It was still there after a round of antibiotics. I couldn’t take carrying on and trying again. So we decided to appreciate what we had - two amazing children, and close the chapter for a third child.

This has always been quite upsetting, in my heart I’d love another child but I didn’t want to take more time away from enjoying my current children, being there for them, the impact on the marriage, the impact on my body, and the costs. Partner said they’d rather stop, so I felt I had no choice to push and it wasn’t right to do so.

My mother has pushed and pushed for me to keep going throughout all of this. Today she asked again if I’d have another, to which I replied my children are enough. She said they’re not enough, two isn’t enough and I’ll regret this when I’m older and it’s too late. I said that I found that quite insulting and she said she’s a grandmother and grandmothers say this stuff.

I’m just feeling so upset because my greatest fear is regretting closing this door and her comments really touched a nerve.

I guess I’m looking for words of reassurance and advice, and also to hear people’s own experiences, if they’ve ever stuck with one or two, before feeling done. I don’t know how to handle my mother without just shutting it down, which never really works long term

Thank you everyone.

I’m the third. She said if she had felt two was enough, I would never have been born.

I would love, love, love to have more children, but I had various health complications with both of my pregnancies. As much as I would love another baby, I can't justify taking such as risk. I nearly died both times and if it went wrong again and my luck ran out, the consequence would be leaving my two wonderful children to grow up without a mother.

Also, financially/practically I don't think I could afford another, I'm now mid-40s, so risks are higher anyway and I already have a lot of mum guilt when giving one child my attention when the other one needs me, so I don't think I could deal with the mum guilt of more kids either!

99.9% of the time, I've made my peace with it, and I know it was the right decision for me to have stopped at 2... but there are of course still moments occasionally when I still wonder what if...

This is my opinion too. Surely no caring mother would want to willingly put her daughter through more IVF knowing she’s also had a loss and infection.

There has to be a bit more to this I can’t imagine it’s out of character from your mum to say judgemental things to you OP x

I am a grandmother, until quite recently we had just one dgc. We honestly never thought there would be another due to issues my DDIL had. To be honest, we never thought we'd even have one dgc, so when dgc came along we were truly blessed and overjoyed. I would never have said anything to my DS or DDIL about one not being enough. As it happens, DDIL became pregnant again and we now have a second dgc. We are extremely grateful for the two we have. IMO, it is not ok to question anyone's choices about the number of children they choose to have, and most definitely not when the child's parents have gone through so much to have their family.
I don't have any answers for you, though I would probably hold my parent at arms length going forward - my mother is similar to yours in that she thinks she has the right to comment negatively about our life choices so for many years now I have chosen not to share certain information with her. She does sometimes question it and I tell her why.

Jesus. She is quite revolting.

Why isn’t 2 enough? I’d understand if you have no children but what difference does your mother think a third child will make?

To be honest what your mum said was vile and ridiculous. What on earth is wrong with her? You need to put boundaries around this and make clear she's never to say anything like this again. Grandparents don't 'just say these things'. What a lazy and bizarre excuse for saying something unbelievably out of line.

Honestly I think you're making a great choice, by far the healthiest one.

Grandmother's do not say this sort of thing.
Insensitive boors say this sort of thing.
As another and grandmother, I try very hard to say things which support and help my children.

OMG she’d rather risk your health to get another grandchild than support you in your decision. Unbelievable. Find your strength to tell her to butt out.

Wish I could give you mum a kick up the ass for being so rude. You and your children are enough. Maybe get some space away from her. I do some people who would love to be grandparents and they know it's unlikely to happen. But they would never comment on it as they would hurt their child's feelings. Sorry to hear about your loss.

Well there's a nice guilt-trip for you. As others have said, ask her what she values more, you or her fantasies about a third grand-child? Make it abundantly clear that she's risking something real (her relationship with you) with her demands for something that isn't and leave the ball in her court.

When I read your thread title and started reading, I was assuming your mother was trying to get you to stop...not encourage you to keep going. How bizarre.

I'd be telling to fuck off with that attitude!! What an utter cow to say your kids aren't enough when she knows the hell you've been through!!

Your 2 children are enough
1 would have been enough if you had only been able to have 1
she is talking crap

Silly woman she is!!

Considering you had to have IVF in the first place (I mention this because it means you’ve had a much more difficult time than the average woman trying to conceive) you are lucky it worked for you and to have two children is great.

It doesn’t work for some couples so they are left childless sadly and that a
much much worse situation to be in than already having two but not having a third. You’re right to put your current children first and prioritise them and yours body etc.

The world we’re currently living in, I worry for all of our children’s future so a far cry from when she was growing up in what the 60’s/70’s. Easiest generation so easy for her to say. Again, silly woman she is.

Your DM is emotionally ignorant. You can't do anything about that, but you can control how you respond.

If I'd said something like that to any of my children I have a feeling it might have been the last I'd seen of them

Nobody knows whether you will regret or not regret trying again for a 3rd.

But ultimately it is your well considered choice and will be your regret/non-regret to own, not hers.

It is really was non of her business, but she has given her opinion. Just tell her you have thought it through and made a decision and change the subject. If she pushes tell her to drop it. No adult should let their mother control the narrative on any of their adult decisions.

She's rude, tactless and wrong.

I would tell her how incredibly ignorant and hurtful I found her comments and to make sure she does not speak about that subject again

Sorry for everything you went through, you have 2 wonderful children and they absolutely are enough

I won't comment on your mother, though her comments are awful.

I have 3 children, which is what I wanted, and I am happy I have them. BUT - the main thing I would say is it's about QUALITY NOT QUANTITY. I can tell you there have been many times where i have felt I have compromised on way I am doing things, or the amount of time spent with them, because of the fact there are 3 of them, and I would have done things 'better' with two.

For instance - homework support (we both work FT and this is a juggle), the little one in particular has lost out because I was so focused on her DS's 11+ exams for instance. And whenever one of them needs you more for whatever reason (eg problems with peers, or at school), it's very hard to find the time for the others.
My mental health has suffered, and I have stopped exercising as evenings are so full on, with all 3 of them needing to be in 3 different places at different times with the extracurricular activities. DH does his share, but with 3 sets of sports, dinner to make, homework etc, it's not always much fun, we all pass like ships in the night. Two would be more manageable, and lead to more quality time, and more nice family time.

In my personal opinion (and apologies to anyone who has one child), two is the magic number. Anything beyond that is a 'bonus'.... and it is far better to have 2 children whom you have raised well, given your best to, been able to spend money on, than 3 who have grown up like weeds on their own because you were too busy.
Also, you don't know what the 3rd would be like - imagine if it had serious health problems for instance - that would ruin the balance of your family, and make it much harder on your other kids.

She is awful 😢 sorry but she is

How many children does she have?

She sounds awful. FWIW I think you are doing absolutely the right thing by focusing your health and resources on your existing children. It's quite rare to have 3 children anyway.

What an utter cow she is!!

I have 4DDs they have asked about if I want grandkids and I am honest and say I would but only if it's what they want. What they want comes first because I love them and want them to be happy.

Erm not really .. its got nothing to be with being a grandmother its to do with being an A hole!!

As another granny, I agree. I can't imagine not supporting my daughter in a decision like this. You must feel very hurt by her behaviour and I expect all the grannies here will want to give you a reassuring hug. xx