To find mother’s comments so upsetting? *Content warning added my MNHQ: references miscarriage*

[Firsthingsfirst]

I have two wonderful children, aged 4 and 2, I’m so proud and happy to have them in my life.

Last summer I underwent IVF with one of our remaining embryos, fell pregnant but miscarried at 7 weeks. I had an incomplete miscarriage which went on for months, finally I expressed the pregnancy tissue after taking misoprostol. I went back to the IVF clinic to try again, was told I had developed an infection. It was still there after a round of antibiotics. I couldn’t take carrying on and trying again. So we decided to appreciate what we had - two amazing children, and close the chapter for a third child.

This has always been quite upsetting, in my heart I’d love another child but I didn’t want to take more time away from enjoying my current children, being there for them, the impact on the marriage, the impact on my body, and the costs. Partner said they’d rather stop, so I felt I had no choice to push and it wasn’t right to do so.

My mother has pushed and pushed for me to keep going throughout all of this. Today she asked again if I’d have another, to which I replied my children are enough. She said they’re not enough, two isn’t enough and I’ll regret this when I’m older and it’s too late. I said that I found that quite insulting and she said she’s a grandmother and grandmothers say this stuff.

I’m just feeling so upset because my greatest fear is regretting closing this door and her comments really touched a nerve.

I guess I’m looking for words of reassurance and advice, and also to hear people’s own experiences, if they’ve ever stuck with one or two, before feeling done. I don’t know how to handle my mother without just shutting it down, which never really works long term

She is completely out of line.

Every single time “mother you’re being cruel, stop”. Nothing else. Just that.

She'd have been jolly pissed off if I'd been her daughter....despite 5 rounds of IVF, I couldn't even produce one.

I'm so sorry that people who should be supporting you are saying this awful stuff. You know you are blessed to have two wonderful DC, cherish them and let them enrich your life. Being your mother and your DC's grandmother doesn't give this woman any right at all to say whatever she feels, block her ramblings out - they are ridiculous and not worth the air time.

I’m really hope I’ve misread this but are you saying “be happy with what you’ve got because the next one might be disabled…”. I really hope that isn’t what I just read.

Again, projecting. Tell her to move forward with haste.

She realises that you are a person right? with a different life...

Your mum is way out of line here. It's no one else's business if people even have children in the first place, let alone what number of children they have. It's crazy that some people are so self centered that they think a. The choices they made are the right choices for everyone, and b. If you don't make the some choices you are somehow criticising their choices. Absolutely batshit.

And by her logic, her forth and fifth children weren't born either and are not happy with her about it!

Please don't let your mums fuckwittery make you feel guilty. You're making the right choice for your body (I can't believe she wants you to take the risk again after what happened last time) your family and your marriage

Three was her choice; it was her body. You and your DH have decided to stop at two. You don’t have to justify why. We all have different reasons why we stopped at our “number”. My mum had six—so what? It doesn’t give her the right to tell me that I should have six too!

Fuck me your mother is awful to say those things! Said by no one who has ever been through IVF. We have only one as it took 10years and any comments like that would have been the end of the relationship.

Wow, this could be me writing this. Totally agree with everything @Azandme says

As a mother and grandmother I know my role is to support my DC when they have to make difficult life decisions. I can ask them how they feel about those decisions, even discuss how they came to make them, but (unless monumentally unsafe) it's not my place to tell them they're wrong. You and your DH would have to both be committed to try for another baby and neither of you are sure that is best for your family. I would be sorely tempted to tell your mother that she.learns to be supportive and respectful or she won't be seeing much of her "not enough" DGC.

Thank you to everyone for the support and advice. It’s much appreciated. It is part of a broader picture with her, but I think it all starts to feel quite normalised and it was a bit of a wake up call how out of order her comments were (but a helpful one).

She said they’re not enough, two isn’t enough and I’ll regret this when I’m older and it’s too late

What a wicked thing to say. Awful. Your mother is vile.