To find mother’s comments so upsetting? *Content warning added my MNHQ: references miscarriage*

[Firsthingsfirst]

I have two wonderful children, aged 4 and 2, I’m so proud and happy to have them in my life.

Last summer I underwent IVF with one of our remaining embryos, fell pregnant but miscarried at 7 weeks. I had an incomplete miscarriage which went on for months, finally I expressed the pregnancy tissue after taking misoprostol. I went back to the IVF clinic to try again, was told I had developed an infection. It was still there after a round of antibiotics. I couldn’t take carrying on and trying again. So we decided to appreciate what we had - two amazing children, and close the chapter for a third child.

This has always been quite upsetting, in my heart I’d love another child but I didn’t want to take more time away from enjoying my current children, being there for them, the impact on the marriage, the impact on my body, and the costs. Partner said they’d rather stop, so I felt I had no choice to push and it wasn’t right to do so.

My mother has pushed and pushed for me to keep going throughout all of this. Today she asked again if I’d have another, to which I replied my children are enough. She said they’re not enough, two isn’t enough and I’ll regret this when I’m older and it’s too late. I said that I found that quite insulting and she said she’s a grandmother and grandmothers say this stuff.

I’m just feeling so upset because my greatest fear is regretting closing this door and her comments really touched a nerve.

I guess I’m looking for words of reassurance and advice, and also to hear people’s own experiences, if they’ve ever stuck with one or two, before feeling done. I don’t know how to handle my mother without just shutting it down, which never really works long term

She wants you to mirror her life so she can say , look I did it right and now you did too. Don't give her anymore headspace you are doing the right thing for you and your family and that should make her happy.

I was told years ago - and still believe it true - "Two's replacement, three's a population explosion."

I have two lovely children who love me, who each have two lovely children who love them and me. That's enough. (Which is not to say anything bad about people who choose to - or even just happen to - have more.)

OP, tell your mother from me it's time she learned how to behave. Sadly that seems something her mother failed to do for her. But it's never too late.

@Firsthingsfirst she said she’s a grandmother and grandmothers say this stuff. well that isnt true is it? what a horrible thing for your mum to have said to you. I would never have dreamt of saying something like that to either of my kids! even my mum would never have said it to me!!

I'm guessing that this is far from the first time that she's been a horrible bully to you. So her two grandchildren are 'not enough'? Lovely. I would be shutting her down FIRMLY. You've been through a dreadful time and do not need this hassle

For what it's worth, I think you're being very smart and pragmatic by focusing on your two children, your marriage and the life that you currently have

How dare she tell you her existing grandchildren aren't enough, how on earth is that supposed to make them feel?

I'm hot tempered so I'd be saying, "You don't think two's enough? See what zero feels like" and immediately remove contact until she went out of her way to genuinely apologise.

You don't get to tell people what to do with their bodies, their money, their sex life or their family situation. Ever.

Awful of your mum to say, one the parents get to choose how many is enough and it wasn't even a choice for you. She's really insensitive. You can only be very boundaries with her from now on and say I'm not going to discuss this with you on repeat. Sorry you lost your baby xx

Maybe your Mum can see that (as you said yourself) you want another one and the only reason you are not going ahead is because your partner has said no and she doesn't want you to be heartbroken when you realise you have left it too late. Until you reach that too late point you always have hope.

She said they’re not enough, two isn’t enough and I’ll regret this when I’m older and it’s too late.

"If my children are 'not enough' in your opinion then you won't mind not seeing us for a while. I need some time to process what hurtful things you've said to avoid having a huge row or permanent consequences. I believe I deserve and apology but I'll leave you to have a think."

She sounds pretty awful tbh OP.

This a terrible comparison to draw, really making it all about herself when the circumstances and situations are completely different.

I am sorry your mum is being this way

Please look after yourself.

What an absolute bitch your mum is. How disgustingly hurtful and considerate to say such things. Two is enough, more than enough some would argue. Enjoy what you have and tell your mum to do one.

What has it got to do with her?
I have one. I didn’t want anymore. I love him and he’s enough.

'I said that I found that quite insulting and she said she’s a grandmother and grandmothers say this stuff.'

Tell her that only horrible, uncaring and selfish grandmothers say this stuff. Kind grandmothers try not to deliberately hurt their daughters and are grateful for the grandchildren that they already have.

This.

‘You will not see any grandchildren if you ever say this again.’

Find you voice and speak up loud. I’d contact her today and go straight to it. She needs to know how badly she has behaved.

Two is very much the average, so that’s demonstrably nonsense. Unless she thinks we’re all walking around bowed by regret.

What makes three enough? Why not four or five? Have you asked her?

I am so very sorry for your loss, OP. You’ve been through a lot and your mum should be supporting you, not projecting her own neuroses. I hope you’re getting lots of support elsewhere.

This.

And horrible uncaring grandmothers should lose their contact with their grandchildren.

Well, this is insane.

So is a sixth child in a family required to have six DC of their own?!! Madness!

Your DM wanted 3 and could have 3 - good for her. You and DH have not found it easy and are staying at 2. Your decision - which she should not in any way try to change. She needs a very serious threat of losing access to her grandchildren. I personally wouldn’t have someone who behaves like this, cruelly demanding what they want, anywhere near my children.

anyone can want more children but that doesn't mean any amount of child or children isn\t enough

You might well always feel a slight lingering sadness that you stopped at two, OP. And that's OK, it's an acknowledgement that if things had worked out differently, you would have loved that. It's not a bad thing to appreciate the loss, while still loving and enjoying the family you have.
I knew a much older woman when I was young who had had one child born during the Second World War, one born shortly after it, when her husband had finally come home, and who had an (illegal) abortion after getting pregnant accidentally very shortly after #2 was born. For a range of personal/financial/social reasons she knew she absolutely couldn't cope with the combination of a small child, baby, and pregnancy.
She and her husband later (once he was recovered from both physical war injuries and what would now be seen as PTSD) tried to have a third, and it didn't work out.
She was both sad she'd never had a third, and sad that she'd had an abortion, and absolutely sure that it was nevertheless the right decision at the time.

You know many years ago I had a friend who just wanted one more child, she had 3 healthy ones and she had her "one more child" and the poor boy had spina bifida when he was born.
Such a shock as there was no hint that anything was wrong during the pregnancy at all. That child changed all their lives and at that time not for the better.
I am sure today she would now say she is glad they had him, but at the time the upheaval for the entire family was awful. I too would have liked one more, but after that I decided to be glad for the healthy ones I had and not take the risk.

I know you are not in the same boat, and hopefully never will be but it was just my own personal wake up call that life can and sometimes does get worse for some people. I hope whatever you decide is right for you and your family. Your Mother had her chances in life to have as many children as she wanted to, this is your life, do it your way xx

I'm SO sorry she's been this awful to you.

I'd always wanted 3 kids. I had my first and was really ill during pregnancy. Delivered a healthy baby at 37 weeks, and 15 months later got pregnant again because I wanted 3 kids. Was even sicker second time around, delivered a healthy baby at 37 weeks, and 15 months later started talking about practicalities of childcare whilst I was pregnant and sick because, well, I wanted 3 kids.

And then I realised how difficult it would be to be pregnant and bed bound and worried about miscarriage and not being able to give my existing kids the care they needed and decided against it.

I won't lie, it took a couple of years before I stopped feeling resentful of my body and it's inability to do pregnancy easily every time I had a friend get pregnant or saw a baby.

But that wore off. The older my kids got, the more interesting and delightful they got the more I settled into life as a mother of two amazing children the less I thought about the third child I'd always wanted. My kids are young adults now, and I can genuinely say I hadn't thought about a third child for over a decade, until something in your post touched a chord with me.

The only advice I can give with dealing with your awful rude and ignorant mother is to Greyrock her. Just be really factual and keep repeating the same phrases "saying that really hurts me mum" "Not all grandmothers say things they know will hurt their children no" "If you insist on repeating things I've told you are hurtful to me I'm not going to carry on having conversations with you"

Wow, your mother would hate me. I am happily childfree. My mother used to have an issue with this, but I set her straight. I have been childfree since the age of 12! Tell your mother to count her blessings and also to put a sock in it.

To that I'd be saying "so what?"

You weren't born because of a choice you made, you were born because of a choice SHE made, for HER life. She doesn't get to dictate what is better for you and yours just because she did it differently.

She's had her chance, her children; and she's had her say. If she brings it up again, I think you should tell her if she says something as ridiculous and hurtful as that you'll leave/put the phone down. Neither you, nor your children or husband need to be exposed to something so mean.

Is she saying this because she knows how much you have always wanted three, and is afraid you will regret closing the door, and that it is her job to encourage you out of what she sees as despondency after the mc? That isn't what true support looks like, but it may not be all about her, iyswim?