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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish my mum could be a teeny bit happy about my plans

90 replies

beansmum · 09/05/2008 20:00

Actually I think I am being unreasonable.

I am moving to NZ in Jan. Today I told my mum that I had bought the tickets and she just said "well, I'm not going to pretend I'm happy for you" and then wouldn't talk about it any more. I understand that she is upset that I will be on the other side of the world with her grandchild, but it is an exciting move for me and a little support would be nice. I need to be able to talk about it, but she just goes all quiet or changes the subject.

aargggggghhhhh. I was all happy and now I feel kind of deflated.

OP posts:
BabieWabbit · 09/05/2008 20:07

I don't think you are being unreasonable...I'm sorry to hear she is'nt happy for you
My only thought is maybe she wil come round in time, Sorry to be no help...
Hope all goes well

MissKubelik · 09/05/2008 20:22

YABU

she's obviously upset about you going. I would be devastated if my daughter moved to the other side of the world with my grandchild! give her a break. she'll get used to the idea in time. if you need someone to talk about it with, phone a supportive friend instead.

Original poster
beansmum · 09/05/2008 20:28

good plan, if I had any!

no, I know IABU, I will just wait until she is used to the idea before bringing it up again. It's just funny how my mum is only thinking about how sad SHE is, and not about how I feel. My sister is sad too, keeps crying on the phone to me, but she realises the move is a good idea and is just thinking about when she can come and visit.

OP posts:
kittywise · 09/05/2008 20:28

Cor blimey you are being incredibly self-centered.
She's your mother fgs and you're moving to the other side of the world, couldn't get much further away if you tried.
You thought she would be pleased for you?

You need to stop thinking about yourself, your poor mum

Original poster
beansmum · 09/05/2008 20:33

I AM being self-centred, I can't run my life according to what would make my mum happy. I'm not expecting her to be thrilled about it, but maybe to realise that I am doing what's best for me and ds.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 09/05/2008 20:35

Is there any reason why she might think it isn't the best plan - apart from her dd and grandson being on t he other side of the world?

SlartyBartFast · 09/05/2008 20:36

just the two of you moving?

have you relatives there.?

shame though that she can't be happy for you even if she is not happy herself.

Cappuccino · 09/05/2008 20:36

she will never be used to it

it is devastating for her

it is your job to support her through this

you are her child fgs, you were her baby, she brought you up and watched you grow and now she is going to be a world away from you

YABincrediblyselfishlyU

moondog · 09/05/2008 20:38

I can't beleive you lot!
Mum is beeing a nutter!
How awful to make Bean feel lkie this. She can't live her life for her mother!!!

Blimey.

sophiewd · 09/05/2008 20:40

YANBU to want a better life for you and your child, however knowing 2 mothers whose children live in Australia/NZ then you need to be a little more understanding.

Good luck with all your plans.

lilyloo · 09/05/2008 20:44

I think she probably didn't think you would go until you got the tickets today so maybe she is in shock.
Give her time my sl and her dd went last year to Adelaide and love it but we all found it hard to come to terms with them going.
I don't think she will be 'pleased' maybe but she can be 'supportive' just give her time to get used to it.

Cappuccino · 09/05/2008 20:45

"she just goes all quiet or changes the subject."

oh you are right moondog, she is barking. I mean that is insane behaviour

Original poster
beansmum · 09/05/2008 20:46

I do understand that she is sad, but she is being a bit horrible about it. You can be sad and still be happy for someone. And you can definitely be sad and still talk about it.

I'm a bit upset, and a teeny bit angry, because I wouldn't even be in the UK if my parents had left NZ one year later than they did. They knew I would stay for good if they left it another year and so I ended up in the UK in a new school doing my A levels in one year and being miserable. The being miserable bit is kind of my fault, and I wouldn't have ds if I had stayed in NZ but I still feel a bit 'what if'.

OP posts:
moondog · 09/05/2008 20:54

Eh?
You mean you started in NZ?
Capp it seems mad to me.My parents moved abroad years ago, as is the case with my sisters and I. We miss each other but would find it very weird indeed if disapproval expressed about plans. FFS we are grown ups now.

Original poster
beansmum · 09/05/2008 20:57

We moved around a lot when I was little but settled in NZ when I was 8 or 9 and I don't really remember anything before that. We moved back to the UK when I was 18.

OP posts:
kittywise · 09/05/2008 20:57

How can it be best for your ds to be separated from all his family? That is madness.

Original poster
beansmum · 09/05/2008 21:01

He wont be separated from all his family. He will have me. It is nice to have grandparents around but it's not essential, I was perfectly happy growing up in NZ with no family other than my parents and sister.

OP posts:
moondog · 09/05/2008 21:01

So it was fine for them to leave their family but not for you to leave yours?

SlartyBartFast · 09/05/2008 21:03

with the internet we are never that far away,
web cams and stuff

SlartyBartFast · 09/05/2008 21:03

your old old flame
ignore if you wish,

moondog · 09/05/2008 21:04

I live apart from my dh and have done for 7 years.
it's not an issue.

Original poster
beansmum · 09/05/2008 21:05

it was fine when they did it, and my mum knew her mum would never visit, she wouldn't get on a plane. I know my family will visit, my sister is already planning to come over at Easter.

OP posts:
moondog · 09/05/2008 21:07

Exactly Bean.
Therefore i would smile and say 'I know you are feeling sad mum,but I really need to do this'

WinkyWinkola · 09/05/2008 21:08

I don't think YABU at all. It is your life.

My mum would never ever ever say anything negative about my choosing to live abroad. I've done it twice now and she's always been encouraging and supportive. She wants me to live my life to the full. She has her own life. Sure she missed me but we phoned, emailed and now we could Skype if I were abroad again.

Parents need to understand that their children's lives don't revolved around them. It's painful but it's not the children's job to keep their parents company in their old age.

You go for it, beansmum. I hope NZ brings you much happiness. Your mum will come round and remember to be supportive with your child if he or she decides to live abroad when they're grown up.

Original poster
beansmum · 09/05/2008 21:08

(my non-bloke is gallivanting all over europe at the mo, but will see him before he goes back to work in June and tell him my plans. And tell him how I feel and then probably never see him again!)

OP posts:
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