to wish my mum could be a teeny bit happy about my plans

[beansmum]

Actually I think I am being unreasonable.

I am moving to NZ in Jan. Today I told my mum that I had bought the tickets and she just said "well, I'm not going to pretend I'm happy for you" and then wouldn't talk about it any more. I understand that she is upset that I will be on the other side of the world with her grandchild, but it is an exciting move for me and a little support would be nice. I need to be able to talk about it, but she just goes all quiet or changes the subject.

aargggggghhhhh. I was all happy and now I feel kind of deflated.

Is there more to it than the distance involved?Are there any other reasons why she might think it's a bad idea? Do you have a job to go to? Support?

Agree that it's probably a question of her getting used to the idea - it is a long way. At least she's not saying things like "what on earth can you eat out there?" as obviously they don't have food; or "what if lo gets ill?" as of course they only have witch doctors and voodoo. We were bombarded by these ludicrous questions from MIL when we were talking about living abroad - and we were only talking about FRANCE ffs!! She even had dd at it!

Good luck to you. I'm excited for you.

I don't think there is anything more to it than just being sad that I'll not be as near as I am now. I'm going to uni, starting feb 09. I have friends over there and my parents have good friends who live near the uni I will be at. They would look after me if anything went wrong. From what my sister has said to me I think my parents knew I would go back eventually, they were just hoping it wouldn't be for a while.

I think I was feeling a bit sorry for myself yesterday, I know my mum is finding it hard and she'll support me once she gets used to the idea. She was quite chatty on the phone this morning as long as I didn't mention moving.

My brother left for Oz about five years ago and my parents have found it very difficult because my father can't fly as a result of his health. They miss my brother and his family very much. It's had a knock-on effect on our family, too, because I now feel entirely responsible for my parents when something goes wrong.

It's hard to be the stay-at-homes when you're older and perhaps your health is starting to fade. Sometimes I look at my brother's photos of another glorious beach weekend and think, hmn, lovely, but where was HE when my parents needed family? I know this sounds selfish but it's the reality for us. My husband would like to move to Scotland but we can't because that would mean my parents would have no family at all within 500 miles of them and I just think it's not on to leave aging people without support.

Probably none of the above is pertinent to the OP's situation, though! It's a hard issue for everyone.

Bizarrely I have some friends who emigrated and one of the reasons they cited was that their parents were getting elderly and needed care and they didn't want to be responsible. I know that's not the case here - but Bridie's post called them to mind.

Some people are weird. If I thought my parents actually NEEDED me I wouldn't think of leaving. They are only early 50s and both work full time, I think they will cope without me!

Oh beans, of course she should be supportive but I can understand her being a bit miserable. If ds ever decides to up sticks, I'll plaster a big fake smile on my face and do my crying in private, I hope!

I have a friend who has lived abroad ever since university, about 20 years now. He's an only child and I know he's found it hard being so far away since his father died and his mother went downhill - he's come back as often as he can but his job and his life is in the US so it's not that often. Tricky. But I know his mother wouldn't have dreamt of stopping him going.

And his job is very specialised, I don't think he could work anywhere else - he dreams up what might happen to computers in 20 years' time, as far as I can understand it.

Oh I can totally relate to this!!!

I decided to study abroad in Scotland (from Chicago) and told my mom...this was 3 years ago mind you and she FREAKED! I was only gone 6 months, however I met and fell in love with the man of my dreams!

I came home and told her of my plans to marry him and move here. She cried and said everyone always leaves her...and well, made things very hard. She said a very similar thing to me... I said wouldn't you rather me be happy? And she replied...no.

So I ended up marrying my now husband, who she doesn't like (i think just to spite me)...I moved to Scotland and then fell pregnant!

She didn't even talk about my pregnancy, instead asked what I was going to do about it...what kind of question is that?? What is there to do? I don't even want to think about what she could have been implying. Since then (when I was 6 week pregnant she has never mentioned my preg. or my daughter again)

I then had my baby daughter, and she is now near 7 months old and my mom never sent a single thing to me or my daughter. I have no teddies to can tell my Emma that her gma gave her...I didn't even get an e-card on Mother's Day.

I still love my mom, but I do not know how we went from best friends, to this monstocity of a relationship.

I wish things were different, but I was not happy...and now I am married to the man of my dreams and have a wonderful life and baby girl. We have not spoken in about 2 months now...and even though I cry over the lost relationship...I finally realized that I have to live my life for me and nobody else.

What's the update on your hunky Marine, Beansmum. I followed your last thread for a bit when he came to visit you. I haven't been online in a few weeks so don't know what happened when he and a friend came back to stay at yours?

emmabemmasmom, that's a really really sad story.

Yeah you know it is sad. I don't have a lot of people here...so it helps getting it out and talking about it

I am just not sure what to do.

Tomorrow is mother's day in the states, and I sent something cause I always do...but I did think why bother, she didn't send me anything. But I don't want to be like that.

She is very hard to talk to and always has excusses...I brought up my feelings once, before xmas, and she brushed it off like 'oh well i thought you were busy and i was planning on sending one big thing for xmas'...right so ok i dropped it...and xmas came and went with no pressies for my baby. So yeah...just wish I knew what to do to make it better without leaving my husband and pretending I never had a baby.

emmabemmasmom -, that puts my problems in perspective slightly!

My Marine hasn't come back yet, his/my friend isn't in the UK yet but they are coming to visit at some point, and I'll be going down to London to see them, and other friends, this month. I am going to tell him how I feel but not really expecting anything to happen. I think I just need to tell him and then move on.

Beansmum:

I think that is the best thing to do. You can only be honest and tell them how you feel. I honestly believe that a parent should support their child no matter what, even if they don't always agree. However, some parents just don't agree and then that is it.

I would love it if my mom were the 'perfect tv mom' who was all excited and helped me plan my wedding and sent bunnies and outfits to my baby girl. But, I got the mom I got and nobody is perfect.

So...after 3 years (hopefully you won't go thru the heartache I did in the process) I just started letting go. It still bothers me, and every now and then I cry and my husband gets all upset too. But I am happy with my life and I am a good person...so I just keep telling myself that.

It will get easier and hey...even though my mom isn't here for me right now, as long as we are both on this Earth there is still hope! So there is still hope for you too...

go and have a reat life is what i say!!! my family is incredibly scattered but we still love and support each other via email,calls etc. let's see, my mum lives in scotland, my gran lives in kenya, my dad and sisters live in japan, my brother's in london for 6mths then god only knows where he'll end up, aunt in sweden, cousin in usa and australia.... we've always been an extremely close knit family and now that we're starting families we all make the effort to keep in touch.

i have a friend who's mum lives 10mins away and they hardly see each other cos they say they can see each other any time so consequently don't see that much of each other.

we lived all over the world but my parents always knew i wasn't going to settle in japan with them and weren't shocked when i left at 18 to move to ireland. they were sad but supported me and they try to come and visit when money/time allows. i know when DS gets older he might want to move away and i will be sad but as a parent i hope i'll be there for him and smile even though i'm crying. good luck! hope the move goes well!

great life, can't spell today

YANBU to want a new life in NZ but you can't expect your mother to be instantly happy for you. It will be like a bereavement for her and you have to give her time to work through it. Just like a death there will be shock, anger and finally acceptance. She is going to lose you and her grandchildren, however much you keep in touch she is not going to see much of you and eventually she won't be able to travel. Be kind and give her time. Be positive-can she email? If not make sure she knows how. Find out air fares for a holiday etc.

Reading back I see they are only in their 50's so email won't be a problem and they should be fit to visit for at least 30 years!
Just give them time! They might find it exciting in the end!

schadenfreude I already answered the question you asked.

Those who think it is not particularly important to have grandparents around are really missing something.

I agree, kittywise.

Kittywise, I don't think there is anyone keener than me on family relationships-I am always joining threads saying be kind to grandparents, that the relationship is very important- but if you want to start a new life you shouldn't stay at home for the sake of your parents. I am prepared for the fact that when my DCs want to fly the nest they may go anywhere in the world! I won't hold them back. OP has parents in their 50's-both working-they can save up and visit. My DH's Australian cousin was back and forward more than once a year when her DD was in London with DCs for a couple of years. My Canadian cousin works just to pay for airfares over here to see her DS and grandson. Grandparents are important-I don't think OP wants to sever the relationship!! If my DSs want to settle in NZ I would treat it as an adventure!

So are DCs supposed to stay in the same town all their lives!!

Sorry wrote quickly-it was in reply to Kittywise and Bridie3 who seem to be using emotional blackmail!

I'm only moving overseas, I'm not cutting myself off completely! But thanks Kittywise, for making me realise how bad my mum COULD be, your kids are going to have fun when they want to leave home and lead their own lives! My mum wouldn't dream of calling me selfish or suggesting I would do anything to hurt ds and I know she will be supportive once she gets used to the idea.

How can you emotionally blackmail someone you've never even met? There's nothing in it for me if the OP goes or stays!