to wish my mum could be a teeny bit happy about my plans

[beansmum]

Actually I think I am being unreasonable.

I am moving to NZ in Jan. Today I told my mum that I had bought the tickets and she just said "well, I'm not going to pretend I'm happy for you" and then wouldn't talk about it any more. I understand that she is upset that I will be on the other side of the world with her grandchild, but it is an exciting move for me and a little support would be nice. I need to be able to talk about it, but she just goes all quiet or changes the subject.

aargggggghhhhh. I was all happy and now I feel kind of deflated.

beansmum are your psychic now? You have no idea regarding the relationship I have with my kids so don't presume to.
You asked if you were being unreasonable and I have answered that I think you are, very much so.
Judging by your reaction you didn't really want that questioned answered at all .
If you don't like an answer that doesn't make you feel better about making your mother sad then don't ask.

If my children decide to move away to the other side of the world then I will be very sad.
I will try my best to be happy outwardly. I will thought think it extraordinarily sad for us all as a family that we don't stay within easy visiting distance.

You couldn't get mucj further than NZ though.

I am guessing that your don't feel attached to your family?

yes, bridie I agree with you. I don't care what you do.

I think it's a terrible shame for your ds.

You go for it beansmum-I hope that it works out well-I am sure it will!
I am sorry I didn't read it properly to start, I thought your Mum was old and doddery and then found out she was young; and then I see that NZ is home to you anyway. If your parent's brought you up in NZ they can't be surprised that you might want to go back! They must have left their families to go in the first place.
I have loved being a Mum,but I have brought up my DCs to be adventurous and free. I am not expecting them to settle down in the next street or look after me in my old age! I will be sad if they live on the other side of the world but I would look to the positive. We have a good relationship so it would carry on, even though miles apart! I think if you go to a new country you are often more appreciative and more eager to keep in touch with the people you left behind.

It's not really any of your business how I feel about my family, but actually I love them very much and am very close to them all.

My actual question was AIBU to be upset that my mum can't be happy for me, and I think we have established that yes IABU. You are right in thinking that I don't paricularly want to hear what other people think about whether I should go or not, I have already decided that moving is the best thing for me and for ds. As you know nothing about my situation you can't comment on that. Well you can, but you will be talking nonsense.

Bridie3, it may be nothing to you whether beansmum goes or stays, but agreeing with kittywise that she is selfish seems to be piling on the emotional blackmail. Sometimes you have to be selfish and put yourself first-this is one of those occasions IMO.

paricularly = particularly

Its hard Bean. My mum and dad were really upset when I moved from UK to Switzerland 10 years ago with their only (at the time) grandchild, then I moved to Holland which is closer but still not exactly next door. I completely agree that you have to do what is best for you and your daughter but please try to understand your mum's position. I never realised how hard it was for my parents who now have another grandchild who lives 10 mins away and whom they feel much closer to than to my kids

My parents are fantastic though and never criticised me but I think I handled it badly at the time and was very insensitive

Sorry--where did I agree to anyone being selfish??

I agree with Kittywise that children's relationships with their grandparents is important. May I politely suggest you reread my messages before you continue to put words into my virtual mouth ;) ?

Kittywise was not just saying that relationships with grandparents were important-I can agree on that wholeheartedly-she was saying that they were so important that:

'I think it's selfish of you to take him away from his family.
A child benfits from having many family members around.
The only person benefiting from this move is you.'

and

'Winky I think she is denying her ds a chance to be with his family and I think that that is an awful thing to do to both the family and the child.'

and more in that vein-someone else actually tells her that she is being unpleasant!

May I politely suggest that you read all a posters messages before you agree with her, unless you actually quote the part that you agree with.

maybe bridie agrees with me

You don't have to be rude Abbey

Good luck with your move, obviously your Mum will be sad that you are both moving so far away, but she should be glad that you are both happy. You don't have to live near your parents all their life, that is a ridiculous notion.

I didn't think that I was being rude, Kittywise! Beansmum asked if she was being unreasonable to expect her Mum to be happy that she was going to NZ.The general concensus was that she was being unreasonable and she had to expect her Mum to be sad (which I think she realised anyway).You were the one who said she was unreasonable to go to NZ which was not the question-she is booked to go in January. You were quite unpleasant and insinuated that she couldn't love her parents if she went ahead! Beansmum got a bit annoyed saying:

'But thanks Kittywise, for making me realise how bad my mum COULD be, your kids are going to have fun when they want to leave home and lead their own lives! My mum wouldn't dream of calling me selfish or suggesting I would do anything to hurt ds and I know she will be supportive once she gets used to the idea.'

I said that it was emotional blackmail and Bridie3 took offence.

I apologise beansmum if I have got anything wrong-I hold by my original comment that it is like bereavement and her Mum has to work through shock and anger before she gets to acceptance. Her parents are young, they brought her up in NZ in the first place and have (hopefully) at least 30 years to visit!!

you are central to her world.she is devastated, scared and is to hurt to support you. for her this is akin to a bereavement - really it is

BUT give it time, emails, photos, buy a webcam so she can see you

encourage her to keep contact via email etc. the immediacy is a great comfort

you are embarking on an exciting fantastic time, going to a beayutiful country where the quality of life is fantsatic you will buy property, LO attend school (have a funny hybrid accent) meet new friends.how exciting

and the world is smaller.

anyway you don't need to live next door to be close. you as a family have got needs, and if that involves moving well fair enough

maybe plan a nice meal as a send off

Best wishes

Beansmum - I am very jealous. My Godmother emigrated to NZ 12 yrs ago and I have only managed to visit her there once, but they have come back for a handful of visits. Her eldest son was half way through his A levels when they moved and her mum did all she could to persuade him to stay with her and not move with his family 'for the good of his education.' I know how hurt she was that her own mother would try to split her family up. (BTW he married out there 2yrs ago and now has the cutest baby kiwi!)
I would emigrate and take my inlaws only grandchild with me without hesitation, but I know DH will not move while his Grandmas still with us.
Your mum will get used to the idea - and isn't she looking forward to revisiting places?

Now my parents sound like they don't really love me!

They just weren't/wouldn't be devastated by my moving abroad. They'd never expect me to curtail my life because of them. In fact, they'd be exasperated with me if I get on with everything that I wanted to do.

Do you think lots of parents envisage their children sticking around the neighbourhood for the rest of their lives? Or even the same country?

I want my lot to see the world as their oyster. Their living abroad means great trips for me!