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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish my mum could be a teeny bit happy about my plans

90 replies

beansmum · 09/05/2008 20:00

Actually I think I am being unreasonable.

I am moving to NZ in Jan. Today I told my mum that I had bought the tickets and she just said "well, I'm not going to pretend I'm happy for you" and then wouldn't talk about it any more. I understand that she is upset that I will be on the other side of the world with her grandchild, but it is an exciting move for me and a little support would be nice. I need to be able to talk about it, but she just goes all quiet or changes the subject.

aargggggghhhhh. I was all happy and now I feel kind of deflated.

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 09/05/2008 21:09

good on yer

kittywise · 09/05/2008 21:13

I think it's selfish of you to take him away from his family.
A child benfits from having many family members around.
The only person benefiting from this move is you.

moondog · 09/05/2008 21:13

Tell ya what Bean.It was bloody selfish of you ever to leave the family home and presume to have al ife of your own!

SlartyBartFast · 09/05/2008 21:15

you go to NZ if you want, fgs,
your child will benefit from the new experience and how happy it will make you.

Original poster
beansmum · 09/05/2008 21:16

kittywise - you don't really know enough about my situation to say who will benefit from this move...unless you are my mum?

OP posts:
more · 09/05/2008 21:20

Kittywise what an incredible manipulative thing to say "How can it be best for your ds to be separated from all his family? That is madness".

I am pretty sure that beansmum's child is going to be fine. It sounds like he has the love and support of his parents. They can still keep in contact by email, letters, phonecalls and visits.

My inlaws actually saw more of us when we lived abroad than when we lived 20 minutes drive away from them.

moondog · 09/05/2008 21:24

More v true.
As product of 'divided family' of many years back,I have seen my own lot more often than dh has seen his (2 hours away)

WinkyWinkola · 09/05/2008 21:27

Yes, how dare you leave home, bean?

Suspect lots of those anti your move on here fully expect their children to live next door as adults and will be terribly resentful of their children choosing to live their own lives - without their parents. God forbid!

suedonim · 09/05/2008 21:27

My oldest son lives in America and I am glad he is happy there (he's married to an American) but it pains my heart that he is so far away and it will always hurt. At the moment it's ok because dh and I are expats anyway, but I don't care to consider the future when he and his dw will probably have dc and it will be expensive for them to visit and dh and I may be too decrepit to make the trip to Ca.

I think maybe your mum is in shock, can only see negatives at the moment, and needs time to think on things.

Popple · 09/05/2008 21:36

Hi Bean,
I think you are doing a really positive thing and I am actually a little envious of you! Would love to have the opportunity to move overseas....especially to NZ. I have a few friends who have all moved over there (to live with NZ partners) and they all absolutely love it & have no plans to move back again.
But anyway...I didn't come on here to waffle. You know it's the right choice for you & your little 'un. I was thinking that maybe you could soften your mum up by talking about when she is going to come to visit you. Could you make this about planning a lovely holiday for her and coming to see you settled into your new home....obviously a couple of months after you've got there? Would she come to visit? Is money an issue? If she snubs you after that then sod her I say!

kittywise · 09/05/2008 22:33

wow popple"If she snubs you after that then sod her I say!"
How can you suggest simply throwing away another human being just because they don't agree with you and do what you want?
So family are quite disposable to you it seems?
Scary, scary attitude

WinkyWinkola · 09/05/2008 23:17

I think what she means is that there's only so much the OP can do to keep her mum happy. The OP can't sacrifice her own happiness for someone else's. A mother should bless her adult child's choices, surely? Obviously not if they involve abuse of some sort. Oh no, now you're going to tell us emigrating is abuse!

kittywise · 10/05/2008 07:06

Winky I think she is denying her ds a chance to be with his family and I think that that is an awful thing to do to both the family and the child.

dweezle · 10/05/2008 09:13

I moved to Oz when I was 21. My parents were incredibly supportive, even though they were worried about their 'little girl' being so far away. I will never really know how upset they were, but they also entered into my excitement and that meant a lot to me. But then I have a very good relationship with my parents.

WinkyWinkola · 10/05/2008 09:18

Kitty, she's living her life. That is not a crime. The family can see her and her child by visiting. That's what most families do. It's normal and balanced.

What will happen if your kids want to emigrate, Kitty? Will you lay on the guilts to make them stay?

kittywise · 10/05/2008 09:21

No I hope I wouldn't winky , but I would think that there was something wrong with their upbringing if family meant that little to them that they were quite happy to conduct their family relationships long distance.

SlartyBartFast · 10/05/2008 09:35

it's not a matter of getting away from your family, it is living your life with your children and/or partner

Original poster
beansmum · 10/05/2008 09:57

I love my parents and I wish that I didn't have to live on the other side of the world from them but it IS what is best for ds and me and that is the most important thing. Having your parents around once you are an adult is not essential, and it is definitely not essential for a child to have his grandparents around. Anyway, they will visit and email and we can still chat on the phone. Kittywise - I am pretty angry that you would suggest I am not putting ds's needs first, of course I am, followed by my own. My parents come a bit further down the list of people I need to consider and it would be a bit weird if that wasn't the case.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 10/05/2008 10:11

Kittywise, you're being extremely unpleasant. It's Beansmum's life and if she wants to go back to NZ, then that's up to her, not her mother. We only get one life (as far as we know), and it should be lived to the full, doing, as far as possible and within the law, what is right for us.

If I had done what my mother wanted, I would never have left home, would have worked locally as a typist and looked after her in her dotage. Thankfully I didn't do as she wanted. I've got a family of my own and a good career.

You need to know when to cut the apron strings and Beansmum's mother clearly doesn't. Beansmum is spot on to say that her parents come further down the list of people she needs to consider - it's her and her son who should come first.

MrsSchadenfreude · 10/05/2008 10:13

Kittywise - out of interest, would you apply emotional blackmail to try and keep your children in UK if they wanted to move overseas?

Original poster
beansmum · 10/05/2008 10:16

presumably that would never happen. It's only when there is something wrong with your upbringing that you would think of moving away from your parents.

OP posts:
ally90 · 10/05/2008 13:15

YANBU.

You cannot live your life and your ds's life around her. She needs to emotionally mature if that is all the response she is capable of. She could at least say 'give me some time to get used to the idea, I just feel confused/sad at the moment, but I will support you to do this'.

Your doing the right thing for you and ds...trust your feelings...not someone elses.

muggglewump · 10/05/2008 14:10

YANBU
You have to do what's best for you and your son.
My DD's Dad who doesn't want to know her incidently is Australian, he lives there and I'll do anything I can to get DD dual citizenship if it's possible.
I dread the thought of her living on the other side of the world but it's not about me, it's about her and giving her all the opportunities I can in life

Quattrocento · 10/05/2008 14:13

I think YABU really. I think that grandparents are hugely important in children's lives and vice versa. So her feelings of sadness and loss are understandable. Some reassurance is called for - why don't you set her up with a PC and webcam if she doesn't have these already and promise her lots of skyping and regular contact.

Original poster
beansmum · 10/05/2008 14:23

I agree that it is unreasonable to expect my parents to be happy I am leaving, but I don't think it is unreasonable to move or to expect to talk about it. And I don't think my mum chose her words very well when she said "I'm not going to pretend I'm happy for you" surely she can be happy for me without being happy I am leaving IYSWIM.

OP posts: