To hate my mom because she was controlled by my dad

[TheDaringOchreQuail]

Trying to simplify this. All my life it was about him and treading on eggshells to please him. She always has to be the victim too.
he is basically like a dictator. Everything revolves around him and his needs. I feel so much hate for her. She didn’t put me first. She never spent time with me or listened to me. Even now, as he controls the money she has to pretend that I ordered food when she was the one who paid for it but he can’t know, please say this isn’t normal?!

Why don't you hate your dad for controlling and abusing your mother?

I do too but she could have left, he is the way he is.

No, not at all normal but sounds like your mum is a victim of some kind of coercive behaviour too.

Your feelings are entirely valid, but you might need to try to see things from her perspective too.

She can’t see it as abuse as it’s not physical, I am guessing.

Not a normal or healthy relationship. It would probably help you a lot to talk to a therapist about your family, as growing up in this environment will have really affected you.

It is interesting that you say you hate your mum, but don't mention your feelings towards your dad. A therapist will help you process and understand stuff like that

How do you think it could have affected me? ❤️

Clearly, she is in a very abusive and controlling relationship with your father. Some times when you are in that dynamic, for so long, it feels like you can’t see the wood for the trees. You lose yourself completely. Of course she should stick up for you, and herself, but she doesn’t know how to? You actively hating her, is making it worse for her. Maybe try and encourage her to get some counselling, so she can potentially start to see a way out?

I'm really sorry to read your post. Not sure about the example of food, but your father sounds controlling. For whatever reason your mother sounds like she is psychologically weak and will enable him to be like this.

If you are an adult, the best thing is not to get engaged with this dynamic. Your mother has made her own choices. If she puts you in the frame for things she has done, then actually she is damaging you. You should protect yourself from someone like this,

Controlling men often have enablers: it sounds like your mother is one of them.

What do you want to happen?

Usually these types of abusive relationships only work because one person is co-dependant and/or has abandonment issues. There's no point in holding anger or resentment. Your mum was not able to leave the relationship when it became abusive for the same reason that she wasn't able to support/protect you as a child.

What about your abusive dad, do you not hate him?

I'm so sorry your parents are both letting you down so badly. Is it easier to hate your mum because the additional fear of your dad makes it more difficult to blame him?

If you are under 18 you need to disclose to an appropriate adult (a teacher at school, or someone else in a similar role in a church or otger group you are part of, or by calling childline) to tell them that you are living in an abusive situation.

If you are over 18, leave.

Maybe you are looking down at her in some of the ways your dad does?

How old are you? Do you still live at home?

Yes YABU to “hate” your mother, whom you acknowledge is the victim of abuse.

I’m an adult. I don’t live at home anymore.

Is it weird to think that I actually don’t think he knows this (my dad). I honestly believe he thinks his behaviour is normal.

Abuse, really bad abuse, isn’t always physical.

Posting for solidarity here because I feel very similar and I also struggle with this.

My parents are both deceased now but my dad was a very domineering character who had to have his own way and also an alcoholic. He wasn't financially controlling but he was an emotional bully and it was always his way or the high way. My mum gave up a really exciting and high powered job when she had kids and spent the rest of her life kowtowing to what my dad wanted because she never had any of her own money so she couldn't rock the boat.

Everything was driven by him and his "needs". Where we lived (always connected with his work), where we went to school, what we did at weekends etc. It was always "that's what your father wants". We had to tiptoe around his moods when he was hungover (which was most of the time). She should have left him but never did.

I also resent her probably more than him. I know rationally that probably isn't fair, she was a product of her times (born late 1940s) and she was doing what she felt was best for the family, but I still feel extremely angry that she wasn't able to put us first.

It is what it is and its left me with a fear of alcohol dependency and a terror of ever being financially dependent on a man. So not a bad outcome, I guess. But I wish I was able to feel kinder towards her.

That's good. Your mother is choosing to remain in this situation.

I am not surprised you are angry. Your father is controlling but your mother enables it.

Build your own life. This is not your game to play. Your mother fancies you might help her in a very dysfunctional way. Do not get involved

THIS

It’s very difficult not to blame a parent for not protecting you from a childhood full of abuse.

It’s the bare minimum basics of parenting tbh.

I’m sure it’s a really difficult thing to have watched/been subjected to all these years @TheDaringOchreQuail but, can you see by heaping all the blame on your mum you are being very unfair on her. She is being abused and is doing what she can to survive. She sounds afraid of your father. Do you think you may be blaming her purely because you’re afraid to place the blame where it belongs? On your father?

I don’t know how old you or your parents are, but I think there’s much more awareness of controlling relationships amongst younger people, and they’re more aware of avenues to escape these relationships.

Yes, we understand OP but you seem to be mistaking your mum for someone that is mentally well because she is not aggressive or violent. Just because she is not abusive does not mean that she isn't equally as damaged in a different way.

How so?