To hate my mom because she was controlled by my dad

[TheDaringOchreQuail]

Trying to simplify this. All my life it was about him and treading on eggshells to please him. She always has to be the victim too.
he is basically like a dictator. Everything revolves around him and his needs. I feel so much hate for her. She didn’t put me first. She never spent time with me or listened to me. Even now, as he controls the money she has to pretend that I ordered food when she was the one who paid for it but he can’t know, please say this isn’t normal?!

Lots of people on here will make you feel bad for what you’re feeling but they didnt have you childhood so they can’t know. Anger at what you all had to go through is normal. Shoving down the anger and pretending it doesn’t exist helps no one, least of all you. Your feelings about your childhood/parents will change as you reflect more - probably back and forth a few times between anger and understanding directed at one or both at the same time - especially if you choose to process it through counselling/therapy. It’s never easy to see our childhoods/parents clearly. Wishing you the best OP

You say your mum should have put you first . Your needs wishes priorities.
You resent her because your dad's needs wishes priorities aways held sway.
Has it occurred to you that maybe she deserved some consideration too.
From at least one of you.
She is a person too. Unique. Precious.
Her life is just as valuable.
Now you are an adult maybe you can begin to show her that.
To value respect and cherish her.
While you still can.

I imagine much of her relationship she tried to placate him in the belief you would be safer. She was frightened and anxious.

YANBU.

She was the adult. She was the parent. She had choices. You didn't.

I also get why you don't mention much about your father. Not only is this thread about your mum but you see your father for what he was. An abuser. What else can be said?

What you need to work on is how you deal with these feelings, how you move on and more importantly , emotionally and even physically so you don't keep being dragged into this dysfunctional, toxic and abusive relationship. This should be your focus now.

Would you love ,cherish and respect someone who overlooked your abuse, or worse was complicit in it?

So she does have the money to pay for the food? She just can't admit it was her ordering it?

Why can't she hate both? And no , children and adults are not equal victims.

I think it's because some victims see the abusive parent is 'just like that'; it's accepted as part of their character. Whereas the non-abusive parent is seen as someone who can modify their behaviour (because they do quite often in order to 'manage' the abusive parent). Therefore there is a greater sense of betrayal because it's seen as though that parent 'could' have done something but 'chose' not to. They've chosen the abusive parent over their own child is how it feels emotionally, even if the rational brain knows it's not that simple. That level of rejection is devastating.

This is a really interesting piece of analysis. I think this very much conditioned how I saw my mum. I knew my dad was irrational, had an explosive temper and drank too much. I saw my mum was very even tempered and kind.

At some level I saw her as having chosen his poor behaviour over her children. Yes I know it's irrational, but that's how I experienced it.

I had the exact same situation OP. My father tried to control what my Mum wore, the finances etc. I resented her for it.

I’ve had therapy and what I’ve been told is that it’s completely ok to feel that your Mum should have done more and been stronger for you, while acknowledging that she did/is doing the best she can with the tools she had/has. Both can be true at once.

Rightly or wrongly we expect better from mothers than fathers. Whether that’s a biological thing or a societal thing or both, no one can be sure.

It’s worth PP who are being hard on you remembering that social services will take children out of the care of their mothers if they won’t/can’t leave an abusive partner and there’s a good reason for that. The mother isn’t capable of overcoming her own issues to put her children first, even though she herself is a loving mother. It’s perfectly ok to be furious about that.

You now have to overcome your own childhood trauma to be a better parent for your kids. It can be frustrating to realise your Mum didn’t do that for you. That’s totally valid and normal. There’s only so many generations you can keep using the same excuse. Someone has to break that’s cycle.

Definitely get some therapy. I think you’re victim blaming your mother. You feel it was her responsibility to change the situation rather than your father’s. You excuse his abuse as being just the way he was and (initially) don’t say you hate him. Why does she deserve your hatred rather than excusing her behaviour for just being who she is. God forbid you ever fall into the clutches of an abusive man because you won’t only have the pain and emotional destruction that causes to deal with, you’ll also have your lack of compassion for your mother to reflect on

Another misogynist woman who believes victim blaming is OK. Fgs.

Ive not considered this, that my children might think I've chosen my DH and associated behaviours over them, that's a sobering thought.
In reality I'm placating, juggling and trying my best because leaving would mean they take the brunt of DHs worst side when they were alone 50/50. A split would create far more hostility and they would be in the middle.

Would you say the same if her mum stood aside while her fathered battered OP rather than "just" emotional abuse?

It’s worth recognising that most fathers, especially abusive ones won’t actually want or end up with 50/50.

You may think you are “placating or managing” the situation but children, even young children pick up on this behaviour and become people pleasers to horrible partners/friends/colleagues themselves when they’re older.

If you leave you show them the behaviour is unacceptable. Let them see their Dad for who he really is in all his “glory” and they’ll likely make the decision for themselves that they don’t want to spend time with him. I did. & you can openly acknowledge and be there for them when their father is showing his true colours to them instead of smiling and pretending you’re a happy family and “oh isn’t Dad grumpy today? Let’s play outside and stay out his way” when they know exactly what’s going on.

I don't understand your point. Op is blaming her mother whilst the reality is her mother was being abused.

Christ, your poor, poor mother!

If she had been hit by a bus would you have blamed her for not managing to jump out of the way?

Are you doing anything to help her now that you are an adult?

I am with the PP who said an adult victim is not equal to a child victim.

Yes the OPs mother is a victim. OPs dad is an abuser. He wasn’t going to stop. OPs mother was the only other adult in this scenario that protect her.

Your mother was abused. Why do you hate her for that, but not the one who abused her?

I don’t think that’s true. Presumably OP had grandparents, uncles, aunts, family friends, parents of friends, school teachers, club leaders …

Not irrational at all.

At the end of the day you have two adults involved. If one of them is an abuser (in any form) and won't change, then it's up to the other one to change the situation/circumstances. Keeping the status quo is a choice. Sure, there might be reasons behind that choice , but it's still an active choice. A choice that harms their children. Of course that will hurt, and with hurt comes resentment.

She doesn't hate her mother for being abused. She hates her for staying ,allowing OP to be abused too and keeping her in that situation.Which is fair enough.

this illustrates how little people understand about domestic abuse

If she saw the bus coming at speed , mere metres away and jumped to cross the street anyway WHILE dragging OP along with her , wouldn't you blame her?

Because that's the appropriate analogy.

If her mother repeatedly jumped in front of moving buses while holding her daughter’s hand again and again and again for years then yes I imagine OP would be angry about that. Which is much more akin to the situation than randomly being hit by a bus out of the blue.

If a parent is an alcoholic who refuses to acknowledge they are an alcoholic and get help then everyone would say yes, I understand why you are mad at your parent. Even though we can all understand that alcoholics are addicts who are self medicating some form of trauma and it’s incredibly difficult to overcome that. We can all agree you should try for your child even though it’s really really hard and will take everything you’ve got.

It’s completely FINE to be angry your parent wasn’t capable of getting you out of an abusive situation as a child. Most people realise that an abusive person will never stop being abusive, hence OPs attitude of her Dad “is how he is”. It’s actually a very realistic approach to have towards an abusive person. That they won’t change.

I could have written your post, my mum has passed away now but I still swing between loving her dearly and resenting her because she didn't protect me from my father's bullying, controlling, domineering behaviour. But as an adult I can reflect and know that she was a victim of his behaviour as well and came from a house where her mother ( my grandmother) was exactly the same as my father, so my mother knew no different, she met my father at 19 was pregnant with me within a few months and married within a year of them dating. She never had the chance to become an independent adult so just accepted being told off and bossed about her entire life.