Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it shouldn't be this difficult to meet up with friend

104 replies

Undecidedonusername · 19/02/2025 08:23

Every half term / school holiday I nearly always end up feeling very frustrated with my mum of 3 friend when it comes to trying to meet up and since becoming a new mum myself and returning to work I'm feeling extra annoyed and wondering if AIBU to feel this way.
Pre motherhood I've felt we often go round and round in circles and end up not meeting up or I feel I've wasted the majority of the day preparing to meet up for her as she would push back a lot and we'd end up meeting in the evening so this half term I tried a different approach.

Me: fancy meeting up this half term, I'm free on Mon and Tuesday - Tuesday DH is away - I mention this so she knows I have house to myself so there's the option to come over. Which she's done before and I've cooked for her kids, gone to local stuff etc. Or if HT is a bit busy we can give it a miss.
Her: replies and goes of on tangent.
Me: reminds her about dates and asks if she's free?
Her: picks one of the days that I don't have husband around, says it will be after he returns from work so already I know that's likely to be an evening meet up ...she suggests dinner or theatre and she also asks if there's any other dates that are better?

I call, her phone is switched off, I messaged to tell her I called.

Me: sends social media post for kid friendly exhibition taking place on day DH isn't around (seeing as that is the day she says she's free) along with captions something to take kids to?
Her: says it looks like such and such art gallery
Me: it is.

Silence

More texts on Monday about what she's up to etc etc no call back, no comment about suggested activity.
Tuesday morning I tell her I'm heading to art gallery and ask if she's already been or something , wondering why didn't seem more enthusiastic. she says no, says she's sad she missed out and her kids would have enjoyed and if my toddler really enjoys it maybe we could go again?!?
Err noooooo!!!!
First time with toddler on public transport and navigating half term mayhem so I think I won't be doing that again in a hurry lol.

I really feel this friend makes it so much more complicated than it has to be to meet up. She's a seasoned pro at taking her kids out and about in London and her youngest is 7/8 so I don't think it was due to hassle or anything. Anyone reading this would think friend just doesn't want to meet up and that's the vibe she's giving off. She also told me on Monday she'd call yesterday afternoon and that she is desperate for catch up.

It's frustrating because yesterday morning I sent the exact same social media post to another friend at 7am and said I think I might brave going to this with toddler, fancy coming and she replied I'm up for it if you are - she also has baby same age - and it was as simple as that*!

*Leaked nappy, lift out of order on public transport, forgotten to pack enough snacks kinda simple of course.

OP posts:
Bestwishes23 · 19/02/2025 08:28

Sounds frustrating. Is it always you making the effort too?

Fairyfleece · 19/02/2025 08:29

I don’t think she wants to meet up with you sorry!

EmpressaurusKitty · 19/02/2025 08:30

If she’s making it that difficult, stop trying & focus on friends like the one at the end of your post.

Miloarmadillo2 · 19/02/2025 08:32

I don’t know if this is hits the mark but your post made me think of an article I read about communication styles ‘asking vs guessing’. You are making suggestions which you think implies an invitation, it’s all very vague.
Be specific. If she still messes you about she’s just not that into you.

TwentyTwentyFive · 19/02/2025 08:32

It sounds like she'd rather meet up without the kids which seems reasonable if you have a toddler and her youngest is 7/8. Your kids are at very different stages. Why not just keep meet ups to the evenings without kids for now?

Cloudyvibes · 19/02/2025 08:32

If I read it correctly she has 3 kids youngest 7/8 and you have 1 toddler? Could it be that her kids don’t want to meet up as they want to play with kids their own age so she is busy having days with school mums and their kids?

Original poster
Undecidedonusername · 19/02/2025 08:32

Fairyfleece · 19/02/2025 08:29

I don’t think she wants to meet up with you sorry!

Edited

She asked yesterday if I would be free Thursday evening....but come to think of that's only because I mentioned DH would be at work on Thursday...

OP posts:
MantleStatue · 19/02/2025 08:33

I was very close to writing a post recently about a friend who always overcomplicates things when we try and meet. Very much like yours. I have no advice, but only sympathy.

Miloarmadillo2 · 19/02/2025 08:34

https://therapyinanutshell.com/communication-skill/

rookiemere · 19/02/2025 08:34

Sounds like she wants to meet in the evening without DCs.

familyfullofeccentrics1 · 19/02/2025 08:34

She’s just not that into you

julia08 · 19/02/2025 08:35

Whatever her reasons, stop suggesting meet-ups and let her contact you if she wants. If the friendship drifts as a result then so be it. For your own sanity, focus your efforts elsewhere.

TheOriginalEmu · 19/02/2025 08:35

It sounds to me likd she wants to do adult stuff.

I read that back…I mean without kids, not shag you.

Original poster
Undecidedonusername · 19/02/2025 08:36

rookiemere · 19/02/2025 08:34

Sounds like she wants to meet in the evening without DCs.

Which is exactly what I used to want to do pre motherhood and only rarely would we do that, and if we want to meet without kids why are we planning to do that during half term when surely childcare is more of an issue?

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 19/02/2025 08:36

I agree she would rather meet in the evening without children. If you look at when she suggests, it seems to be when she will be child free.
Perhaps she is also hoping you take the hint that she doesn't want a day out with a toddler and her children are passed that stage.

MayaPinion · 19/02/2025 08:36

She wants to meet up as adults, not for a kids playdate.

Original poster
Undecidedonusername · 19/02/2025 08:37

familyfullofeccentrics1 · 19/02/2025 08:34

She’s just not that into you

But then why not use the out...I even said straight off, if half term is a bit busy shall we give it a miss?
And why tell me that she's desperate for a catch up?

OP posts:
PicaK · 19/02/2025 08:38

She wants to see you. She doesn't want her kids there when she does. She won't be able to talk or be herself when her kids are there. That's why she pushes back with evening things.
She's forgotten the tiring aspects of babies and how going out at night isn't something you're rushing to do.
You've not thought about what it's like when kids are older - less physical hassle but more mental control needed of yourself.
Also a gallery with kids that age - winces.
Be kind to each other. And adopt a long haul approach on friendships - you'll drift away and then come back.

stayathomer · 19/02/2025 08:39

Your thinking she’s silent might just be her not having time to reply because she’s three young kids and yes she possibly wanted only the two of ye out together

EmberAsh · 19/02/2025 08:40

Both communication styles here are really frustrating. Someone should just say exactly what they want to do rather than vague ideas. She has 3 children to please, the eldest is 7/8. They aren't going to want to spend the day with you and your toddler. She will be planning activities that suit them with their friends and their ages. Why don't you ask her out for a child free meeting instead.

familyfullofeccentrics1 · 19/02/2025 08:42

Undecidedonusername · 19/02/2025 08:37

But then why not use the out...I even said straight off, if half term is a bit busy shall we give it a miss?
And why tell me that she's desperate for a catch up?

Show quote history

Tbf I’ve met folk like this before. I sometimes wonder if they’re telling you what they think you want to hear.

its not worth your peace to be chasing her around.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 19/02/2025 08:42

I would stop trying to meet up with her, for whatever reason she doesn't want to.

Or you could ask if she would rather meet without the kids - she has 3 and I imagine she'd welcome the break especially if you're longstanding pre kids.

Have a conversation and find something that works with you both. If you only want to meet with the kids and she doesn't then it's not going to work is it.

I have a very close friend who went through a stage of constantly cancelling last minute and being hard to make plans with, I just stopped trying because I love her dearly and want her in my life, it was just this little bit that wasn't working. She was busy and trying to navigate logistical changes in her life and that was the symptom. The net result was that instead of constantly trying to meet up we plan in advance things we can both commit to, and turn up for each other - fairly frequently.

Tagyoureit · 19/02/2025 08:43

I'd take the hint and stop bothering.

Let her come to you but be prepared for a long wait.

Original poster
Undecidedonusername · 19/02/2025 08:43

Moonnstars · 19/02/2025 08:36

I agree she would rather meet in the evening without children. If you look at when she suggests, it seems to be when she will be child free.
Perhaps she is also hoping you take the hint that she doesn't want a day out with a toddler and her children are passed that stage.

I didn't really enjoy all the long days of going around museums/ parks with three of her kids screaming their heads off every summer or butting into conversations...at least I've only got the one and he can't talk yet and if we're lucky we'll have him napping for 2hrs.
Sorry if I sound a bit bitter but it's been a good ten years of summers which I've worked in education so I've had off and tried to be considerate and accommodating or been very clear and said I want a girly catch up, please can you leave the kid(s) at home.

OP posts:
TwentyTwentyFive · 19/02/2025 08:44

Undecidedonusername · 19/02/2025 08:36

Which is exactly what I used to want to do pre motherhood and only rarely would we do that, and if we want to meet without kids why are we planning to do that during half term when surely childcare is more of an issue?

Show quote history

So you're essentially annoyed that when you had no children she met up with you with her kids and now she wants to meet without children? The kids are very different ages and it would be difficult to find an activity suitable for all of them.

Presumably she doesn't want to just meet up in half terms is there a reason you can't do evenings during term time for catch ups, if not maybe suggest that instead?

Swipe left for the next trending thread