To think it shouldn't be this difficult to meet up with friend

[Undecidedonusername]

Every half term / school holiday I nearly always end up feeling very frustrated with my mum of 3 friend when it comes to trying to meet up and since becoming a new mum myself and returning to work I'm feeling extra annoyed and wondering if AIBU to feel this way.
Pre motherhood I've felt we often go round and round in circles and end up not meeting up or I feel I've wasted the majority of the day preparing to meet up for her as she would push back a lot and we'd end up meeting in the evening so this half term I tried a different approach.

Me: fancy meeting up this half term, I'm free on Mon and Tuesday - Tuesday DH is away - I mention this so she knows I have house to myself so there's the option to come over. Which she's done before and I've cooked for her kids, gone to local stuff etc. Or if HT is a bit busy we can give it a miss.
Her: replies and goes of on tangent.
Me: reminds her about dates and asks if she's free?
Her: picks one of the days that I don't have husband around, says it will be after he returns from work so already I know that's likely to be an evening meet up ...she suggests dinner or theatre and she also asks if there's any other dates that are better?

I call, her phone is switched off, I messaged to tell her I called.

Me: sends social media post for kid friendly exhibition taking place on day DH isn't around (seeing as that is the day she says she's free) along with captions something to take kids to?
Her: says it looks like such and such art gallery
Me: it is.

Silence

More texts on Monday about what she's up to etc etc no call back, no comment about suggested activity.
Tuesday morning I tell her I'm heading to art gallery and ask if she's already been or something , wondering why didn't seem more enthusiastic. she says no, says she's sad she missed out and her kids would have enjoyed and if my toddler really enjoys it maybe we could go again?!?
Err noooooo!!!!
First time with toddler on public transport and navigating half term mayhem so I think I won't be doing that again in a hurry lol.

I really feel this friend makes it so much more complicated than it has to be to meet up. She's a seasoned pro at taking her kids out and about in London and her youngest is 7/8 so I don't think it was due to hassle or anything. Anyone reading this would think friend just doesn't want to meet up and that's the vibe she's giving off. She also told me on Monday she'd call yesterday afternoon and that she is desperate for catch up.

It's frustrating because yesterday morning I sent the exact same social media post to another friend at 7am and said I think I might brave going to this with toddler, fancy coming and she replied I'm up for it if you are - she also has baby same age - and it was as simple as that*!

*Leaked nappy, lift out of order on public transport, forgotten to pack enough snacks kinda simple of course.

Sounds like she does want to meet up but without kids which is fair enough. Her kids won't want to be around babies.

That was painful to read. Why are you so persistent? If you're trying to arrange a meet up and the other person "pushes back" then drop the rope!

If she wanted to meet up she would make it possible and make it happen. The odd seemingly encouraging comment may come from a feeling of guilt as you've been long-term friends, or as a way of trying to placate you.

OP I honestly think this is about communication style. Say 'do you want to go to x at x time' and let her answer yes or no. If no, crack on with your day and let her suggest a time and date of meeting.

She has 3 children who won't want to hang around with a baby. Logistically it's a nightmare with older kids who all want to be doing different things - it's probably more stressful than little kids trying to organise your days as they get older.

If her youngest is 7/8, then I’m guessing her eldest is teen or pre-teen. Days out with mum’s friend plus baby will not be met with enthusiasm from those kids! Can’t you meet when the kids are back at school? Or do you both work in education yourselves?

I don’t think she wants to meet up with you or be your friend and I am really surprised that you keep contacting her. She sounds as if she could be more straightforward about not wanting to meet but you also sound as if you are being really pushy and intrusive without realising it. Just leave her alone now and meet up with your other nice friend; sometimes friendships drift and it sounds like this one has but you are the only one trying to hold on to it.

She doesn't want to meet you. I have a similar friend. And we are both in our 50s so grown children.
I have now realised she doesn't actually want to meet.

What I was going to say.

I'd have given up by now! This "friend" sounds so difficult and not really bothered at the same time.

Very frustrating! I'd sit back and let her come to you. See if she does ring you for a catch up, see if she does make a suggestion for you guys to meet. It does sound like she wants to do something without the kids which is fair enough, the age difference between the kids makes it tricky but it sounds like she's always made it hard work. At least you've got other friends and you have people to go out for the day with. I'd focus more on those people where it's not hard work and see if this friend puts in some effort when you step back a bit

I get you OP. I’ve been in a similar situation but as part of a group of 4 and of the women will not budge an inch unless it suits her 100%. We’ve not all met up now in over a year and a half which is utterly ridiculous because no one is that fucking busy.

There is a saying, “There are those that free their time to see you and those that see you in their free time - know the difference” and I think this sums up my situation so I don’t bother anymore as part of the group debate. None of us do as it’s evident that the woman in question isn’t arsed.

Saying that OP, is it that she just wants to meet up with you alone without kids? If so then that’s different as it’s not that she’s not bothered but she may find entertaining 4 kids hard work.

Honestly just stop she's not really worth all the hassle is she ? Doesn't take long to send a simple answer or confirmation to an outing.

I think she does want to see you but in the evening when both sets of kids are being parented by their dads. Allowing you two to be free to do what you please you said she mentioned theatre? And I think she's mentioning days your DH is around cos then she knows he will be there to out baby to bed while you two are out. I think she probably is desperate for a catch up, an adult one where she can talk freely.

Because you suggested half term. She clearly wants to meet without the kids, which isn’t at all surprising giving the age differences.

Too stressful op. I think meetup without kids or let it fizzle out. Hard with kids at different stages too. I had a friend like her let it go as got too hard to plan anything..

@Foodfightpart2 where does it say I went on my own?

Mum of three here... I think she probably just wants to see you without her kids. Life is very different for her if her youngest is 7/8… half term is going to be really busy for her and realistically her kids won’t want to spend time with a toddler, they’ll be keen to see their own friends have have days out etc.
I would suggest a nice coffee the week after when her older kids are back at school and she can breathe a sigh of relief and you’ll just have your little one between you to entertain, she will probably enjoy this a lot more

She suggested an evening and you didn’t acknowledge that and just suggested a daytime with-kids activity, without even mentioning that she’d wanted to do the evening? If her kids are all aged 8+ I imagine they might not want to spend time with you and your toddler and they are probably busy with friends and clubs over half term? It’s tricky that you are at different life stages but forcing the issue and expecting equal amounts of toddler hang outs to those you offered doesn’t seem wise. Meet up with others with kids your age for daytime and enjoy dinner with your friend without the kids, seems a good solution for all.

It is disappointing when people behave like this. As you say you've done all the young dc thing with her when hers were younger, you'd think she'd get it but for whatever reason she doesn't.
Just stop trying op, it sounds exhausting and depressing. Meet other pals who aren't such hard work.

I have 3 d and my youngest is 8. She definitely wants to meet up but without kids, at the ages of her kids they have their own lives and friendships and a day out with a baby is just going to lead to bored kids either yours or hers because it is very hard to please such a wide age range.
You went out with her as a child free adult when hers were younger but that doesn’t mean you should expect her children to trail around with yours,
Also being with kids changes the dynamic, especially older ones like hers who hear everything!

I have a mum friend of 3 who’s similar. Messages me saying we should catch up, plan a play date or it’s been too long, let’s meet up. I’ve got bored of the amount of times I’ve responded with dates or asked when suits with no response until after that time has passed.

She either has such a chaotic life that she doesn’t have time for the friendship or the friendship isn’t worth it to her. Either way it’s frustrating that she keeps initiating meeting up to no avail