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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it shouldn't be this difficult to meet up with friend

104 replies

Undecidedonusername · 19/02/2025 08:23

Every half term / school holiday I nearly always end up feeling very frustrated with my mum of 3 friend when it comes to trying to meet up and since becoming a new mum myself and returning to work I'm feeling extra annoyed and wondering if AIBU to feel this way.
Pre motherhood I've felt we often go round and round in circles and end up not meeting up or I feel I've wasted the majority of the day preparing to meet up for her as she would push back a lot and we'd end up meeting in the evening so this half term I tried a different approach.

Me: fancy meeting up this half term, I'm free on Mon and Tuesday - Tuesday DH is away - I mention this so she knows I have house to myself so there's the option to come over. Which she's done before and I've cooked for her kids, gone to local stuff etc. Or if HT is a bit busy we can give it a miss.
Her: replies and goes of on tangent.
Me: reminds her about dates and asks if she's free?
Her: picks one of the days that I don't have husband around, says it will be after he returns from work so already I know that's likely to be an evening meet up ...she suggests dinner or theatre and she also asks if there's any other dates that are better?

I call, her phone is switched off, I messaged to tell her I called.

Me: sends social media post for kid friendly exhibition taking place on day DH isn't around (seeing as that is the day she says she's free) along with captions something to take kids to?
Her: says it looks like such and such art gallery
Me: it is.

Silence

More texts on Monday about what she's up to etc etc no call back, no comment about suggested activity.
Tuesday morning I tell her I'm heading to art gallery and ask if she's already been or something , wondering why didn't seem more enthusiastic. she says no, says she's sad she missed out and her kids would have enjoyed and if my toddler really enjoys it maybe we could go again?!?
Err noooooo!!!!
First time with toddler on public transport and navigating half term mayhem so I think I won't be doing that again in a hurry lol.

I really feel this friend makes it so much more complicated than it has to be to meet up. She's a seasoned pro at taking her kids out and about in London and her youngest is 7/8 so I don't think it was due to hassle or anything. Anyone reading this would think friend just doesn't want to meet up and that's the vibe she's giving off. She also told me on Monday she'd call yesterday afternoon and that she is desperate for catch up.

It's frustrating because yesterday morning I sent the exact same social media post to another friend at 7am and said I think I might brave going to this with toddler, fancy coming and she replied I'm up for it if you are - she also has baby same age - and it was as simple as that*!

*Leaked nappy, lift out of order on public transport, forgotten to pack enough snacks kinda simple of course.

OP posts:
Chocolatey1234 · 19/02/2025 15:06

I have a friend similar.

One of us out of three will message on the Whatsapp group about available dates, something to do, then flakey friend will miss the point entirely, come back with dates when we have said we aren’t available, send a confusing message we can’t decipher, agree to something and change plans or cancel completely at the last minute. Then message again asking for dates and saying she really wants to see us and meet up. None of us have the excuse of little ones anymore.

I guess in my case my friend is completely disorganised wants to do everything so commits to doing too much, confuses herself and everyone else in the process and winds people up at work and socially.

I have stepped back will let them get in touch if they really want to meet up as the message has been hijacked and derailed once again.

Mary46 · 19/02/2025 16:01

Chocolatey thats very frustrating. I agree. Should friends be this hard work.. met a lovely school mam from our primary last year but god she takes days to commit. Then long voicenotes. I cant be assed with it all now.

ValentineValentineV · 19/02/2025 16:09

I would have just texted and said do you want to meet up for half time, I can do Monday or Tuesday and any other time I can do?She messages back saying she can do Thursday, then I say sorry I can’t do then (unless I can) , have a lovely half term
and left it at that.

Maddy70 · 19/02/2025 16:23

Half terms are bound to be tricky as she has 3 children all will be doing play dates etc you need to be more precise.

Do you want to go to X at 3pm Tuesday?
Your plans are too woolly I have ADHD and I need a direct loan. Vagueness ensures it doesn't happen

Heronwatcher · 19/02/2025 16:27

I think from personal experience there are just some times in life when you don’t have the headspace to organise things. I’m not saying it’s right but I have seen it happen. In your position I’d just take a bit of a step back and put the ball in her court.

ValentineValentineV · 19/02/2025 16:36

Maddy70 · 19/02/2025 16:23

Half terms are bound to be tricky as she has 3 children all will be doing play dates etc you need to be more precise.

Do you want to go to X at 3pm Tuesday?
Your plans are too woolly I have ADHD and I need a direct loan. Vagueness ensures it doesn't happen

This is good advice, maybe something like would you all like to come to me next Tuesday for lunch and a pop to the park?

Chocolatey1234 · 19/02/2025 16:48

Yes I think she just wants to meet up at night but is so vague that isn’t happening.

Can you not meet at night OP or if your LO sleeps well could she pop over to yours when DH away. It sounds like she is trying to be polite whilst being scatty vague and non committal. I would just step back and make more time to do things with other friend who seems happy to commit and not leave you hanging.

My sister is the same its lovely when I see her and would like to see more about her but trying to tie her into arrangements is infuriating, thankless and so hard work I gave up about 10 years ago. We only see each other by accident now if both visiting DM at the same time. I guess if I was important to her she would make time to see me. She has repeatedly shown me how unimportant I am so eventually I stopped bothering.

Undethetree · 19/02/2025 17:24

Well what did you say when she suggested dinner or theatre on that evening?

"Yes sounds great, I'm free from 7pm"
"No sorry, DH is away that night so no babysitter"
Or something vague?

If you are good friends - plus ADHD - it's almost certainly that she doesn't have the headspace to organise this and needs clear options:

  1. 10am Tues - X museum with kids
  2. 7pm Weds - X at cinema (no kids)
Rosiehvy · 19/02/2025 17:34

Undecidedonusername · 19/02/2025 08:23

Every half term / school holiday I nearly always end up feeling very frustrated with my mum of 3 friend when it comes to trying to meet up and since becoming a new mum myself and returning to work I'm feeling extra annoyed and wondering if AIBU to feel this way.
Pre motherhood I've felt we often go round and round in circles and end up not meeting up or I feel I've wasted the majority of the day preparing to meet up for her as she would push back a lot and we'd end up meeting in the evening so this half term I tried a different approach.

Me: fancy meeting up this half term, I'm free on Mon and Tuesday - Tuesday DH is away - I mention this so she knows I have house to myself so there's the option to come over. Which she's done before and I've cooked for her kids, gone to local stuff etc. Or if HT is a bit busy we can give it a miss.
Her: replies and goes of on tangent.
Me: reminds her about dates and asks if she's free?
Her: picks one of the days that I don't have husband around, says it will be after he returns from work so already I know that's likely to be an evening meet up ...she suggests dinner or theatre and she also asks if there's any other dates that are better?

I call, her phone is switched off, I messaged to tell her I called.

Me: sends social media post for kid friendly exhibition taking place on day DH isn't around (seeing as that is the day she says she's free) along with captions something to take kids to?
Her: says it looks like such and such art gallery
Me: it is.

Silence

More texts on Monday about what she's up to etc etc no call back, no comment about suggested activity.
Tuesday morning I tell her I'm heading to art gallery and ask if she's already been or something , wondering why didn't seem more enthusiastic. she says no, says she's sad she missed out and her kids would have enjoyed and if my toddler really enjoys it maybe we could go again?!?
Err noooooo!!!!
First time with toddler on public transport and navigating half term mayhem so I think I won't be doing that again in a hurry lol.

I really feel this friend makes it so much more complicated than it has to be to meet up. She's a seasoned pro at taking her kids out and about in London and her youngest is 7/8 so I don't think it was due to hassle or anything. Anyone reading this would think friend just doesn't want to meet up and that's the vibe she's giving off. She also told me on Monday she'd call yesterday afternoon and that she is desperate for catch up.

It's frustrating because yesterday morning I sent the exact same social media post to another friend at 7am and said I think I might brave going to this with toddler, fancy coming and she replied I'm up for it if you are - she also has baby same age - and it was as simple as that*!

*Leaked nappy, lift out of order on public transport, forgotten to pack enough snacks kinda simple of course.

Sounds to me she wants some time away from kids and just to spend time with you, her friend.
Arrange ro see her in person with no kids and talk to her about how you feel. You have no idea what she is thinking or feeling right now and second guessing isn't getting you anywhere.

ThatNimblePeer · 19/02/2025 17:43

Does she have anxiety? That can make people flakey, she might want to see you but feel worried about committing to a situation she won’t be fully in control of (e.g. gallery if she’s anxious about crowds etc).

Rosiehvy · 19/02/2025 20:25

ThatNimblePeer · 19/02/2025 17:43

Does she have anxiety? That can make people flakey, she might want to see you but feel worried about committing to a situation she won’t be fully in control of (e.g. gallery if she’s anxious about crowds etc).

I agree with this. I suffer with anxiety and always want to see my friend but would prefer at her house or my own as driving new places or softplay can be overwhelming for me

Cm19841 · 19/02/2025 21:45

@MantleStatue

You are very patient. I would become irritated so quickly. Have you tried direct questions requiring an either/or answer?

"I am free on Tuesday ... can we meet? If not, Wednesday. What time and place. Mine/yours...I'll bring cake/wine/crisps/you bring..."

Friend: "sorrry.. no"

Me: "ok, oh well. You arrange the next plans. Look forward to it" .... and drop the rope.

Functional friends at minimum for me.

Walkerzoo · 19/02/2025 21:56

Kids are different ages.
Same issue with me. Mine are older and a pal has a 4 year old. Can just about cope when in a house but at places... Nah.

TheGlitterFairy · 19/02/2025 23:08

Deliberationdivinationdesperation · 19/02/2025 12:52

I get what you're saying OP. She says she wants to meet up / have catch ups but when you suggest things she messes you about or doesn't reply.

You've spent years doing stuff with her kids when you weren't keen on it but did it because you're her friend, and now that you have a toddler she isn't bothering to do the same in return. She's saying she wants to do something on the evening your husband is out but then your toddler will be around anyway because your husband isn't there to do bedtime etc?

She sounds a right pain, I'd honestly just stop bothering with her and see if she bothers reaching out to arrange something of her own accord.

Totally agree and I have this also with a lot of “friends” too. I’ve stopped reaching out to see if they will and sadly they haven’t so I guess that’s that!! Sad really; I also spent years seeing them with babies, toddlers, small children too - they seem to have forgotten.

Original poster
Undecidedonusername · 21/02/2025 02:58

Update...especially for all those wonderful people who were telling me she just didn't want to meet up with me...after ignoring her message to 'maybe' do an evening thing on the same day I told her husband would be away she sends me a message again today evening asking if I was free tmrw night to meet...no suggestion on what /where /when and I know from experience that if I were to say yes to this short notice request we'd be back and forth with details which is annoying in itself.

I've just told her no. I did have plans, always had plans that night, hence why I never suggested it as a date that I was free.

OP posts:
OldChairMan · 21/02/2025 07:55

Undecidedonusername · 21/02/2025 02:58

Update...especially for all those wonderful people who were telling me she just didn't want to meet up with me...after ignoring her message to 'maybe' do an evening thing on the same day I told her husband would be away she sends me a message again today evening asking if I was free tmrw night to meet...no suggestion on what /where /when and I know from experience that if I were to say yes to this short notice request we'd be back and forth with details which is annoying in itself.

I've just told her no. I did have plans, always had plans that night, hence why I never suggested it as a date that I was free.

Do you feel that this suggests she does actually want to meet? It's an odd way of going about things if she does. It's taking up way up much of your headspace!

Ilikepianos · 21/02/2025 08:01

I think she is either avoiding your kids or doesn't want to do what you suggest or is very particular about what when.

I think you can ask her what do u prefer to do if we meet with the kids. If she doesn't then I'd just leave it unless you're happy to do what she suggests.

Mary46 · 21/02/2025 09:22

I think its all on her terms op. With these friends if such an effort meeting up I just leave it now. Its too much hassle!

MantleStatue · 21/02/2025 09:35

I'd leave it too. Your latest update sounds so much like my friend with no certainties and to and fro. The last time we met she agreed we would meet, no confirmation of where and when by 4 pm and we were supposed to meet at 5 and she knew I would have to travel by public transport and then I was sitting IN the pub and she texted saying meet instead at her sister's place 30 minutes in the opposite direction because she wanted to show me her sister's new kitchen. (Why FFS?) That sort of thing the to and fro and nothing concrete just become wearing and irritating and becomes all about the other person and their random whims. I think you were right to say you were already busy and to not make any other suggestions. It's either she is a complete flake living in her own bubble or she does not want to meet and is deliberately making things as hard as possible. Either way you don't need it.

Original poster
Undecidedonusername · 21/02/2025 09:50

OldChairMan · 21/02/2025 07:55

Do you feel that this suggests she does actually want to meet? It's an odd way of going about things if she does. It's taking up way up much of your headspace!

Show quote history

Yes, I think yes she did want to meet but in exactly the way she had in mind, the way we might have met before DC but unfortunately she didn't think to 'use her words' as a PP put it until the 11th hour.
I know last minute meet ups can be fun but with a baby who is teething / recently got over vomitting / diarrhoea etc it is a logistical nightmare.
My frustration with meeting her during half term or any school holiday is that I get the sense she thinks, 'oh well she's off the whole week, so I'll just see her when I notice I've got a free evening' and not commit to any dates which makes me feel like my time isn't important and there's multiple dates I'm half keeping available for her but now that I've got my own toddler I don't want to/ can't tolerate that anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecidedonusername · 21/02/2025 09:53

@MantleStatue that sounds like a total nightmare and I don't think I'd be far off the truth from assuming she knew she was due to meet you but wanted to squeeze in seeing her sister, she got carried away with timings and knew she was v.late and would be even later by the time she got to you so she thought she'd save herself the journey and cover up her lateness with a lame excuse.
That's not on and it's not fair to you.

OP posts:
Belaymehearties · 21/02/2025 09:59

It really shouldn't be this hard. She' has other priorities and she's just not that into you and can't be arsed to meet up.

Drop the rope and find other friends who match your energy

Sacredhandbag · 21/02/2025 10:02

Flakey friends are really difficult to deal with when you have children.
I like to try and have an activity planned for every day (or most) during holidays, mostly because my DD needs it. If a flaky friend is your activity for the day (your kids like to play with her kids and it's an activity you both enjoy together) then them flaking on you can totally ruin the only activity you had planned and you have to scramble around looking for another activity or deal with bored children.
For that reason, although I dearly love my flakey friends, I try not to attempt or make any plans with them unless a) other people are also coming or b) you have a decent back-up plan.

I think, by the sounds of your post, you might also need to expand your friendship circle and I highly advise you do that right now while you have a toddler. It's the easiest time to do it. Try local baby groups!

Sacredhandbag · 21/02/2025 10:08

I also think that people that drive (I didn't start driving until late than life so I get it more than a lot of other drivers do) don't realise that changing times and locations last minute can be super annoying when you rely on public transport. They don't see why a venue change that is only a 3 minute difference to them is so hard because they don't realise that that can take planning, precision timing and an extra 45 minutes out of your day to get there. And because they don't realise this, they don't offer to swing by and pick you up (and I NEVER asked for lifts) they just sit there comfortably waiting for you to make that tiny journey and probably think you are the flake.

Sorry - bit of a tangent there! 🤣

Hufflemuff · 21/02/2025 10:17

I'd focus on another friendship. Its understandable you feel so fucked off when you spent all that time with her and her 3 kids, on days out you didn't really want to have them around for. Now you have 1 she won't make any effort.

I'd focus on meeting other new parents and give this one a wide berth. Let her come to you if she wants to meet up.