To think it shouldn't be this difficult to meet up with friend

[Undecidedonusername]

Every half term / school holiday I nearly always end up feeling very frustrated with my mum of 3 friend when it comes to trying to meet up and since becoming a new mum myself and returning to work I'm feeling extra annoyed and wondering if AIBU to feel this way.
Pre motherhood I've felt we often go round and round in circles and end up not meeting up or I feel I've wasted the majority of the day preparing to meet up for her as she would push back a lot and we'd end up meeting in the evening so this half term I tried a different approach.

Me: fancy meeting up this half term, I'm free on Mon and Tuesday - Tuesday DH is away - I mention this so she knows I have house to myself so there's the option to come over. Which she's done before and I've cooked for her kids, gone to local stuff etc. Or if HT is a bit busy we can give it a miss.
Her: replies and goes of on tangent.
Me: reminds her about dates and asks if she's free?
Her: picks one of the days that I don't have husband around, says it will be after he returns from work so already I know that's likely to be an evening meet up ...she suggests dinner or theatre and she also asks if there's any other dates that are better?

I call, her phone is switched off, I messaged to tell her I called.

Me: sends social media post for kid friendly exhibition taking place on day DH isn't around (seeing as that is the day she says she's free) along with captions something to take kids to?
Her: says it looks like such and such art gallery
Me: it is.

Silence

More texts on Monday about what she's up to etc etc no call back, no comment about suggested activity.
Tuesday morning I tell her I'm heading to art gallery and ask if she's already been or something , wondering why didn't seem more enthusiastic. she says no, says she's sad she missed out and her kids would have enjoyed and if my toddler really enjoys it maybe we could go again?!?
Err noooooo!!!!
First time with toddler on public transport and navigating half term mayhem so I think I won't be doing that again in a hurry lol.

I really feel this friend makes it so much more complicated than it has to be to meet up. She's a seasoned pro at taking her kids out and about in London and her youngest is 7/8 so I don't think it was due to hassle or anything. Anyone reading this would think friend just doesn't want to meet up and that's the vibe she's giving off. She also told me on Monday she'd call yesterday afternoon and that she is desperate for catch up.

It's frustrating because yesterday morning I sent the exact same social media post to another friend at 7am and said I think I might brave going to this with toddler, fancy coming and she replied I'm up for it if you are - she also has baby same age - and it was as simple as that*!

*Leaked nappy, lift out of order on public transport, forgotten to pack enough snacks kinda simple of course.

You don't sound bitter and I can see it's frustrating that you tagged along on her days out with children as it was the only way to catch up and now you feel she isn't doing the same for you.

However the situation is now different. If you meet up with children the age range is too big to please everyone. You have a toddler. Their interests will be much younger than your friends 7 year old (and you say that is her youngest, meaning the other children she has are older again). It's hard getting siblings with a big age gap to willingly do something aimed at a younger child, let alone a child that isn't related. If she meets you somewhere appropriate for your toddler it is likely her kids will become bored, want to sit on devices, beg to go home. Alternatively you take the toddler somewhere suitable for their age group and you end up with a toddler stuck on your lap with the grown ups as they are too young to join in with the older children.

She doesn't want to meet or finds it too difficult with three kids in tow and would rather it be just the two of you. Also toddlers are a huge impediment to days out - you deal with it, of course, when you have one or more of your own, but it's so much easier to go out with older children who are more independent.

When I had one (quite challenging) toddler, I mostly either met friends who had kids the same age or whose kids were at the stage of not coming along with their parent anymore. All the others we generally met for adult only meet ups. It was easier for me by far. And I just accepted it, as I had children later in life than most of my friends.

I think I was pretty specific! this was definitely me trying a different approach, I know she's very likely got ADHD as have I, so we both can be a bit crap at organising things and she's said she likes a clear plan in place so that was me giving a specific date - one of which I was child free so the option to meet up without my toddler was there, she might not have been aware of that though, and giving a very specific child friendly activity at a place where I know she's taken her kids to many times before.

Anyway thank you all for the comments, I definitely won't push for a meet up anymore, with or without kids, I don't want the stress.
Some of these comments have been harsh and unfairly personal eg do you even have any other friends etc ...read my post, I clearly mention I do! If she wanted to meet up without kids then why oh why suggest a day that I tell her my husband won't be around meaning I won't have childcare. And this suggestion to meet up during half term was purely because we both work in schools.

So, you're suggesting meeting up with DC, and she sidesteps, but suggests things without DC? You suggest day stuff and she pushes it to the evening. Seems fairly obvious to me your friend would rather meet in the evening without DC than do day activities with them. So if its the friendship you want rather than just another adult to pass the time with when you've got your DC around, and make child friendly activities easier/more pleasant, then you could always agree to her suggestions.

I get what you're saying OP. She says she wants to meet up / have catch ups but when you suggest things she messes you about or doesn't reply.

You've spent years doing stuff with her kids when you weren't keen on it but did it because you're her friend, and now that you have a toddler she isn't bothering to do the same in return. She's saying she wants to do something on the evening your husband is out but then your toddler will be around anyway because your husband isn't there to do bedtime etc?

She sounds a right pain, I'd honestly just stop bothering with her and see if she bothers reaching out to arrange something of her own accord.

Tbf I found going out with my 3 a nightmare. Unless her eldest are old enough to be left home alone - and don’t need driving/picking up anywhere then it sounds like a tricky day. Remember older kids are opinionated about what they want to do as well. And mixing a toddler in doesn’t really work for those sorts of days ime. That works better in someone’s house or the beach or a park.

Meeting without the kids sounds much more sensible.

I think the OP is getting a hard time on here and the 'friend' is being a flake.
If she wants to meet up in the evenings and not with the kids, she needs to use her words and say so:
'TBH I'd love to see you without the kids one evening. Any chance you could make the theatre? x play is on at y theatre – there's tickets going for next Tues or Weds at 7.30pm if those suit you?'
It's not hard.

But is the friend is consistently a flake then all OP can do is leave her be. She can't elicit your example of clear communication from her friend.

I'm not saying she can. I didn't put this in my post, but yes, I agree, my inclination would be to stop trying to organise things and let the 'friend' come to her if she wants. I'm just responding to posts that I think are being harsh on the OP, or justifying the friend's actions, by pointing out that it wouldn't be that hard for the friend to get her point across in a sensible and clear way.

Agree.

Give up. She's probably a Libra - they always want to keep everyone happy, but they end up stringing people along

Could you send a WhatsApp list of options she can vote for?
Option 1- Monday Art Gallery
Option 2 - Tuesday at yours as husband away
Option 3 - Evening meet at Cinema no kids
Option 4 - None of these

Exactly this! How am I supposed to know what she wants/ doesn't want when she makes comments like...'ahh I'm so gutted I missed out on that exhibition and 'yeah I think my kids would have enjoyed it' ...maybe we can go again?

Everyone seems to have missed that she made these comments very clearly suggesting the day out / going with kids wasn't a problem.

I think that she’s waiting to see if a better off emerges or doesn’t want to see you but can’t tell you straight. I would drop the rope on this one.

She's got committment phobia.
Her kids don't want to hang out with a toddler.
She's not bothered about you. I would personally move onto other friends who do make it happen

I think there is a lot of factors in play here.
Her kids and your child are in very different age groups and activities that suit your child may not fit with her kids.

Her kids may want to go to their friends etc.

Your seem to assume she knows things that may she does not. Like if dh is away you have no childcare or that you are free to host at home.

The way you post about how you message her is confusing. You need to be more direct.

Say the Art Gallery thing. You need to say Toddler and I are going to this on Tuesday. We are going to take the 10am train. Do you and the kids what to come with us?

Or DH is away on Monday, do you and your dc want to come over for dinner?

Or do you want to meet up for a glass of wine at X bar on Thursday?

The amount of communication though seems excess and could be overwhelming for your friend. Like messaging to say you called is a bit OTT

Yes! I agree with this. Whenever I’m organising stuff with friends I make sure I specify (if I’m initiating) or ask (if they are) if we’re discussing an adults-only meet or something to occupy the children where we might get a stilted conversation in around the edges. Sometimes we want both but even then I or they will nail down the details of one before trying to organise the other.

Deep breath. I don’t think she likes your DC.

Or at the very least, she doesn’t want to meet you with DC.

I have read many threads on here where someone is clumsily trying to avoid seeing a friend with their DC and failing to be clear.

I would try one last time, asking to do something with her one evening that is clearly child free. If that’s too difficult I would just back off.

You suggested half term, not her. Having 1 toddler and 3 kids is very different! I would take the hint, she either doesn't have the time or doesn't want to meet you!
Friends that are constantly trying to organise meet up's are frankly a pain in the butt!

I'm confused, is this real? You're OP is complaining she didn't meet you during HT when you suggested a kids day out but now you're saying you find doing something with her kids miserable anyway!

"She asked yesterday if I would be free Thursday evening....but come to think of that's only because I mentioned DH would be at work on Thursday..."

@Undecidedonusername what's the relevance here to when your husband is at work or not?

"Friends that are constantly trying to organise meet up's are frankly a pain in the butt!"

@middleagedandinarage how are you getting that the OP is constantly trying to arrange stuff? Doesn't look like she's constantly doing anything, just trying to organise a meet up over half term

You've got to appreciate that she has children at ages where things are chaotic and it can be a massive juggling act to keep everyone happy. One wants to go trampolining but his sister has hockey training and then the oldest needs to be dropped off somewhere else. It is a nightmare sorting out multiple social lives. Honestly managing a toddler on the bus is a bit of a different battle.

Toddlers are physically demanding yes you have to keep eyes on them at all time but older kids are so mentally challenging, they're upset due to this, need that, upset over something in school and and and.........