I need some advice

[Liquidgoldd]

So my ex has took our children on holiday (with the woman he met 3 weeks after we split) 🙄 grandparents are there as they have moved to that country. I had the impression initially that they were staying solely with grandparents and I was happy with that as it means a lot to me. Obviously I want them to spend time with their dad but not with another woman so soon.

I received a text from ex FIL saying this:

They're hardly random as it was obvious they had known each other for a while. They were immediately comfortable together.
What was we supposed to do?
They went out for the day with their Dad and decided they wanted to stay there tonight. I cant demand he brings them back and that would upset them. They're here on holiday to have a good time however that may be. Its about them enjoying themselves and being happy and today they were very happy.
Stop making this about you, the children were happy and thats all that should matter. There's no disrespect, it's just an awkward situation we're in. *is their Dad and they clearly missed him.
We were in bed early tonight so I missed your msg. It’s the 1st nights sleep we've had. Kids up and down all night, when's Daddy getting here? Is he on the plane yet? What time does he land?

So would you like me to demand they stay here and be upset or just accept that they're perfectly fine where they are? We didn't intend this to happen or we wouldn't have gone to as much trouble building beds and putting up curtains in the spare room would we?

Anyone?

You've missed out your message to the grandparents as well as the kids' ages but ultimately their dad can choose where they stay and with whom when he's caring for them and you really shouldn't be giving his parents a hard time about his parenting choices.

I can't really make sense of it, seems like something is missing.

Also you say three weeks after you split but when did you split.

How old are the children and what advice do you want as its not clear at all.

Yeah, you took out your messages.
From what you’ve written, it seems you sent messages of abuse to your ex in-laws because you found out your children was staying with their dad and girlfriend instead of the grandparents when it wasn’t the grandparents fault as they had no say in it and the children are also happy staying with their dad.
You are the unreasonable person here and I feel sorry for ex pil’s . I bet they’re happy you’re an ex now as you’re not really making yourself sound good . Your children can sleep where your ex chooses in his time so long as they’re safe so you need to start understanding this so you can move on

I agree with ex FIL that they can’t demand they stay with them over their dad and his GF, it’s not for them to police the relationship.

It is upsetting when one partner moves on very quickly after a break up. It can be hurtful and can suggest that one partner had not been as sincere as the other.

Be that as it may, unless there is reason to think the children are at risk, we cannot choose where ex-partners stay with the children nor whom they spend time with.

The best outcome after the pain of a breakup is that the children are happy with as little disruption as possible. If the children are happy holidaying with their father and his companion and/or grandparents then this is something that you should welcome.

Your FIL's tactfully asking you not to make him be the shock-absorber for your resentment against your ex. Everything he said is reasonable and fair. Your children are having a nice holiday and being well looked after.

Your anger's reasonable, but this is not the way to express it. Write furious blog posts, take an MMA class, get drunk with your friends until they can't stand the post-divorce angst, but please try not to destroy your friendship with your kids' grandparents.

What is the situation you want advice about exactly?

The hassling of your ex-inlaws? How you can throw a spanner in the works to prevent your children having holiday with their dad?
It's not particularly clear

From the tone of your former FIL’s reply, I can only assume you sent him rather an aggressive message demanding he tells your ex how to parent.

Why did you raise this with your ex FIL and not your ex?

YABU. The kids are happy with their dad and while you are unhappy with his new relationship you need to let it go.
It is not up to the grandparents to police it, they are present if the children want to stay with them, but it sounds like they would rather be with their dad.
(No idea on ages but if they are young, maybe staying with GP is boring if they are older and less energetic, whereas dad and gf are more fun and can do more with them).

There's a lot missing here, but it seems like you've had a go at your ex FIL because the children stayed with their Dad, and if that's the case I think YABU. it's not up to the grandparents to tell Dad what to do, and it's really not about you.

So your ex is not staying with gp, but you expected the dc would? Tbh their arrangements are not within your control and it is unfair to expect expil to police contact on your behalf. Just be reassured they are happy and safe. How old are dc and can they contact you if needs be?

My children are 4 and 7 and are in a different country. I haven’t heard from them for 2 days and I tried to call to see if they are ok and got no reply. It’s not about the relationship with the other woman it’s the fact that the kids will be confused as it’s all happened too fast and they have been through enough. If I was making this about me I wouldn’t have allowed them to go in the first place but I wanted them to go and have a great time. I knew they were going together but I didn’t know the sleeping arrangements etc and I was just worried as I hadn’t heard from them as their dad is a nightmare for keeping in touch (one of the reasons I ended it)

The kids never had a relationship with grandparents anyway. They moved abroad a few years ago and this is the first time they have seen them. They don’t call them etc to see how they are. I just think my children have been through enough to be honest and it took a lot for me to allow this to happen.

Thanks - this does explain your hostility. You feel they've suddenly embraced grand-parenting now their son's brought the DC over, having shown little interest in them before?

So FIL's set up a lovely new room for them but it's more about showing support for XH than really wanting to create a stable relationship with the kids? Hmm.

All the same, I can't see that you'll get anywhere by driving the wedge even further. It's probably wisest to take FIL at face value and hope they will, from now on, take up more of an engaged grandparent role with your children. You're able to actively encourage that - no guarantee of success, but worth doing your best for the kids' sake and for peace & harmony.

You can do this! Big girl pants and deep breaths. Break some crockery when nobody's looking, or whatever helps to release the tension.

I think you are projecting.

It is bad that dad hasn't been in touch to let you know they are ok, did you agree to this before they went? I can understand him not wanting to take a phone call but I would expect him to message an update each day to reassure you.

I think you need to accept that children are quite adaptable. They are with their dad and they are more likely to just accept the situation for what it is at their ages. There isn't much to understand to them. Dad and mum love them (the children) but not each other. Dad now loves new lady. Dad and new lady have taken them on holiday. They will see mum when they get home.

I probably shouldn’t have had a go a FIL but their dad wasn’t answering me and he never ever does. I am honestly fine about new woman. If I was a grandparent I would have made my son come away on his own I wouldn’t have allowed this situation to happen so soon and this isn’t because I am bitter m, this is in the best interests of the kids. In my situation I highly doubt that most women would have agreed to this so it is annoying that people are saying I am making this about me. I miss them like absolute crazy and just want regular updates, my son is 4 and this is the longest he has been away from me.

This makes no sense. Did the kids fly out on their own to them? Or did their dad take them out there. Then leave, then head back? Because your 1st post says the kids were excited about Daddy getting there?

Ahh yes they flew initially with grandparents and dad flew over 2 days later.

I didn’t have much of a relationship with them anyway to be fair, I won’t lose any sleep over it. We agreed to regular updates which is what they should have done.

Grandparents they barely know?

My children are 4 and 7 and are in a different country. - with their father. I get it's hard, but you don't get to demand things that overrules their dad's decisions. Surely your FIL's reassurance that the DC are happy and safe would be enough if that was your concern.

Of course they know them. They just haven’t really been involved but like I said the kids are 4 and 7 and they just wanted to go on holiday. Honestly their outlook on life is completely different to mine. I wouldn’t have done what they did out of respect but not everybody is the same.

But why did I have to chase it? I hadn’t heard from them for 2 days and by that point I was worked up and worried.