I need some advice

[Liquidgoldd]

So my ex has took our children on holiday (with the woman he met 3 weeks after we split) 🙄 grandparents are there as they have moved to that country. I had the impression initially that they were staying solely with grandparents and I was happy with that as it means a lot to me. Obviously I want them to spend time with their dad but not with another woman so soon.

I received a text from ex FIL saying this:

They're hardly random as it was obvious they had known each other for a while. They were immediately comfortable together.
What was we supposed to do?
They went out for the day with their Dad and decided they wanted to stay there tonight. I cant demand he brings them back and that would upset them. They're here on holiday to have a good time however that may be. Its about them enjoying themselves and being happy and today they were very happy.
Stop making this about you, the children were happy and thats all that should matter. There's no disrespect, it's just an awkward situation we're in. *is their Dad and they clearly missed him.
We were in bed early tonight so I missed your msg. It’s the 1st nights sleep we've had. Kids up and down all night, when's Daddy getting here? Is he on the plane yet? What time does he land?

So would you like me to demand they stay here and be upset or just accept that they're perfectly fine where they are? We didn't intend this to happen or we wouldn't have gone to as much trouble building beds and putting up curtains in the spare room would we?

Bloody hell. 🤣

I would apologise. Take the long view. They will be the kids grandparents for years to come!

Message PIL. Thank him for his updates and say you are sorry for your previous message, this is the first time you have spent any length of time away from your children and Ex wasn't responding, your imagination ran away with you, worrying about what might have happened. The break-up is still very raw and you are still adjusting to being a single parent.

Finish on a friendlier note, say you are glad the children are having a good time, and maybe he could send you some photos of the kids and nanny and grandad together so you can put them in the kids bedrooms.

Like I said, you have spoken to them, clearly rudely. If you want an update before the two days. Apologise and ask nicely.

But clearly you’re not really that bothered, so you refuse to apologise for your behaviour.

So you can manage without the updates.

Well obviously if they don’t know them very well they’re not going to be comfortable staying with them and will want their dad. You fucking idiot.

You let a 4 and 7 year old fly to a foreign country with Grandaparents they barely know?

🤣🤣

This made me properly lol 🤣

I don’t have an issue with them being with their dad. I have an issue with the choices he has made

Yes, I think you should apologise for putting your FIL in the middle of this.

None of this is of his making.

'If I was a grandparent I would have made my son come away on his own I wouldn’t have allowed this situation to happen so soon'

How would you propose that an adult man stops another adult man, with full parental responsibility, from making decisions for the children he is responsible for? Your FIL can't 'make' his son do anything!

You have an issue with the ILs as well!

Of course you have loads of issues with your ex!!

I wouldn't have let kids that young fly on their own to grandparents you said barely see them! Then you kick off about their dad's new girlfriend being there? It makes no sense, you sound both totally not bothered about what your children are up to on one hand, then completely over the top on the other.

I didn’t know that they was flying with their dad until the flights were booked. I was told they would be fine and their dad would be flying over 2 days later. It’s not that they don’t know them they just haven’t really been a big part of their life.

Anyway I have tried to call their dad and he didn’t answer

Your ex fil was not unreasonable on the contrary actually

Kindly, your children are fine, at that age especially- they really don’t care as long as they are having a nice time and the adults are kind to them

They are not going through anything negative and they are safe

It is ok to go two days without contact too

However what is not ok is you and you are still coming to terms with the end of your relationship- I know it’s awful but you will get over it - you will find happiness again and you deserve to be happy

I know it soon cos that he is off galavanting with another woman and your children but that is something that will feel less raw as time goes by

Focus on yourself while you have got the peace and enjoy a takeaway/wine/Netflix etc

This too shall pass!

Thank you for that x

Op at 2 and 4 firstly they’ve plenty of time to now make a relationship and they’re young enough they’ll only be confused if someone makes it confusing for them. Sorry you’re going through this though

You missing your DCs is a separate issue to where everyone is staying while they’re away.

Message FIL and apologise for making him piggy in the middle. Tell him you just miss the kids and wanted an update but you know its not his issue.

FWIW I cried the entire weekend my kids first stayed away with their dad. It soon got easier and I knew they were happy and cared for so I started enjoying the break. It also meant I could go away and have a proper break occasionally.

I get that its hard, but if you let go a little it will make it easier to bear.

They are on holiday with their dad and grandparents op

Leave them be.
You could always just text and say hope the kids are having a great time.

Your Fil will have told his son that you've messaged being assy so he's probably not answering because he thinks you're going to give him grief for his choices.

They are his children aswell and as hard as it is to accept his low morals etc you need to seperate yourself from him emotionally now.

Enjoy the time you have to yourself so when the dc come back you can enjoy them.

no worries- you poor thing I feel for you and I think those are the real issues that are affecting you 4 months is no time at all to get over the loss of a relationship and especially one where children are involved

however, it’s still going to be a wobbly road 🛣️ vet the next few months because no matter that you would like to control your emotions I don’t think it’s possible to accelerate the process of grief and heartache but I do know that gradually as they say time is the healer

in future you could post in relationships because there are many there who can resonate completely and the responses will be more clued up

you can do this and in a year from now you’ll be on here offering your own wisdom

it sucks I know and he is an utter asshole - just see yourself as starting a new chapter and make some career goals/health goals etc

join some new groups just anything to divert even temporarily from your pain

Do you know. This is exactly what I needed to hear.

My daughter video called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to see and (new woman and her son) I said no sweetheart I have called to speak to you I only want to see you as I have missed you. It’s so innocent to her.

There was nothing wrong with letting the children fly with their grandparents and after spending this time together there may be a chance they would want to do it again. Don't let your bitterness prevent a possible 'new' GP relationship. Apologise to FIL because the only potential victims here if you don't are your children who may miss out in future.
I'm sure they are having a lot of fun and enjoying their time with Dad & GF(and GPs) so don't ruin it for them. They take their cues from us and any hint of upset or sadness will be internalised and they'll feel guilty even if they don't know what that is.

Don't endlessly question them, they'll 'read' the answers on your face, in your tone etc. Let them be happy, it's important.