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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need some advice

96 replies

Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 02:51

So my ex has took our children on holiday (with the woman he met 3 weeks after we split) 🙄 grandparents are there as they have moved to that country. I had the impression initially that they were staying solely with grandparents and I was happy with that as it means a lot to me. Obviously I want them to spend time with their dad but not with another woman so soon.

I received a text from ex FIL saying this:

They're hardly random as it was obvious they had known each other for a while. They were immediately comfortable together.
What was we supposed to do?
They went out for the day with their Dad and decided they wanted to stay there tonight. I cant demand he brings them back and that would upset them. They're here on holiday to have a good time however that may be. Its about them enjoying themselves and being happy and today they were very happy.
Stop making this about you, the children were happy and thats all that should matter. There's no disrespect, it's just an awkward situation we're in. *is their Dad and they clearly missed him.
We were in bed early tonight so I missed your msg. It’s the 1st nights sleep we've had. Kids up and down all night, when's Daddy getting here? Is he on the plane yet? What time does he land?

So would you like me to demand they stay here and be upset or just accept that they're perfectly fine where they are? We didn't intend this to happen or we wouldn't have gone to as much trouble building beds and putting up curtains in the spare room would we?

OP posts:
Whaleandsnail6 · 19/02/2025 08:23

I agree with your fil...you have confirmation that your kids are happy and safe now so let it be

This is about them having a nice holiday with family, not about you.

I get that its tough when you are not there with them but they are with their dad and grandparents.

Would it be possible to ask for a daily text update and leave it at that?

pinkdelight · 19/02/2025 08:23

I think ideally you need to trust that they're okay for a couple of days without contact and without chasing. They're going to be spending more time away from you and it's harder for you, but better to get used to it being okay and not something to get worked up and worried about. Of course they should communicate as agreed, but you also say your ex never did so really you know it's that rather than something else having happened. I do think this is a tough transition and your ex is an ex for a reason so he's not acting the most helpful, but you somehow need to shift from thinking you can demand and make people do what you want over what they decide. This stood out to me: If I was a grandparent I would have made my son come away on his own I wouldn’t have allowed this situation to happen so soon - again I don't think a grandparent could make their son do that. You can't control other people's behaviour that way. It's good that your DC are safe and happy and I'd focus on agreeing some system of updates that probably isn't every day so you can start to adjust and they can enjoy their holiday.

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 08:52

pinkdelight · 19/02/2025 08:23

I think ideally you need to trust that they're okay for a couple of days without contact and without chasing. They're going to be spending more time away from you and it's harder for you, but better to get used to it being okay and not something to get worked up and worried about. Of course they should communicate as agreed, but you also say your ex never did so really you know it's that rather than something else having happened. I do think this is a tough transition and your ex is an ex for a reason so he's not acting the most helpful, but you somehow need to shift from thinking you can demand and make people do what you want over what they decide. This stood out to me: If I was a grandparent I would have made my son come away on his own I wouldn’t have allowed this situation to happen so soon - again I don't think a grandparent could make their son do that. You can't control other people's behaviour that way. It's good that your DC are safe and happy and I'd focus on agreeing some system of updates that probably isn't every day so you can start to adjust and they can enjoy their holiday.

Ok maybe not made him but suggested it wasn’t the best idea he has had.

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 19/02/2025 09:00

The grandad is still the wrong person to be mad at. I can see why you'd be annoyed at the Dad because it would be nice to get contact about the children but that's not up to grandad if Dad is also there.

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 09:04

Eenameenadeeka · 19/02/2025 09:00

The grandad is still the wrong person to be mad at. I can see why you'd be annoyed at the Dad because it would be nice to get contact about the children but that's not up to grandad if Dad is also there.

Yes I know he is the wrong person to me mad at. I’m just mad at the whole situation. Nobody is thinking about what is best for the kids and I just don’t want them to be confused. This woman may be lovely but it’s not the right time is all I am saying. Maybe I should apologise to FIL but I don’t know what to say as obviously I will get less updates now. What on earth can I say?

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 19/02/2025 09:09

Just say you're glad to hear that the kids are happy, that it's hard to get used to them being away so if they could send a little update text each day, that would be amazing as ex often forgets and then you get worried.

Focus on the updates and forget trying to control the rest of what's going on. You say nobody is thinking about what's best for the kids, but they are just not thinking the same things as you. They're seeing the kids being happy on holiday and not upset and confused, so it's really about you needing reassurance and more communication rather than making them do anything else differently in line with what you'd prefer to be happening. At some level, you have to accept he's an equal parent and his decisions when he's with them aren't what yours would be. As long as they're safe and loved, which seems to be the case, that's the main thing.

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 09:15

pinkdelight · 19/02/2025 09:09

Just say you're glad to hear that the kids are happy, that it's hard to get used to them being away so if they could send a little update text each day, that would be amazing as ex often forgets and then you get worried.

Focus on the updates and forget trying to control the rest of what's going on. You say nobody is thinking about what's best for the kids, but they are just not thinking the same things as you. They're seeing the kids being happy on holiday and not upset and confused, so it's really about you needing reassurance and more communication rather than making them do anything else differently in line with what you'd prefer to be happening. At some level, you have to accept he's an equal parent and his decisions when he's with them aren't what yours would be. As long as they're safe and loved, which seems to be the case, that's the main thing.

I just can’t imagine the backlash I would get if I had took the kids away with another man. I would never do that though. I am happy they are having a good time but it also doesn’t change the fact that what he has done is disrespectful

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 19/02/2025 09:31

Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 09:15

I just can’t imagine the backlash I would get if I had took the kids away with another man. I would never do that though. I am happy they are having a good time but it also doesn’t change the fact that what he has done is disrespectful

Show quote history

I get that, and even though you said it's about the kids' well-being etc., it is more honest that this is what's really igniting you. Understandably. But arguments about disrespect never go well so I wouldn't wind yourself up with that. Accept that he's not going to behave as you would nor be even-handedly respectful. It will be a less stressful experience if you can do that and be glad the kids are okay.

Moonnstars · 19/02/2025 10:04

Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 09:04

Yes I know he is the wrong person to me mad at. I’m just mad at the whole situation. Nobody is thinking about what is best for the kids and I just don’t want them to be confused. This woman may be lovely but it’s not the right time is all I am saying. Maybe I should apologise to FIL but I don’t know what to say as obviously I will get less updates now. What on earth can I say?

Show quote history

What do you mean no one is thinking about what is best for the children?
It sounds like the children are fine and enjoying their holiday. Please don't spoil it for them when they come home and tell you they had a good time.
It sounds like your relationship wasn't great with the grandparents so again don't let that negativity impact anything positive they say.

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 10:34

Moonnstars · 19/02/2025 10:04

What do you mean no one is thinking about what is best for the children?
It sounds like the children are fine and enjoying their holiday. Please don't spoil it for them when they come home and tell you they had a good time.
It sounds like your relationship wasn't great with the grandparents so again don't let that negativity impact anything positive they say.

Show quote history

I absolutely will not spoilt it for them, the only reason I wanted them to go was to have a good time. I had to forget everything else and put them first

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 19/02/2025 10:54

Sorry but you’re the one ( from this post) not thinking of the kids

they’re with family, inc dad, and are fine. You don’t need updates all the time as hard as it might be for you

your fil is caught in the middle trying to do his best.

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 11:26

millymollymoomoo · 19/02/2025 10:54

Sorry but you’re the one ( from this post) not thinking of the kids

they’re with family, inc dad, and are fine. You don’t need updates all the time as hard as it might be for you

your fil is caught in the middle trying to do his best.

I completely disagree. Not thinking about the children would have made me stop them from going. Don’t realise how hard it was for me to allow my 4 year old who has never had a day without me go away with a woman and her son playing happy families who I know literally nothing about. I know that eventually I will have to let go but right now he is still so young and I just miss them so much.

OP posts:
JandamiHash · 19/02/2025 11:29

FGS OP leave your poor FIL alone. He’s right in everything he says. You allowed the holiday but your no right to control when and where the kids are on that holiday. Did you really expect the new GF to not be around her ILs because you say so?

JandamiHash · 19/02/2025 11:32

How long ago did you split from their dad?

LilacLilias · 19/02/2025 11:39

It must be very hard from you being away from your kids for the first time, and then being around people you don't know.

I think you are reasonable to want to hear from their dad to check in and let you know the kids are okay.

But, I don't think you should involve pil and expect them to manage what ex does on his holiday. If he wants kids to stay with him rather than go, then unless there are serious safeguarding concerns then I think he can do that.

It's not nice for you but it's not something pil can be expected to manage.

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 11:57

JandamiHash · 19/02/2025 11:32

How long ago did you split from their dad?

4 months ago. Within a week he was taking them on days out etc so they do know her. I’m guessing partly this is me not wanting to be ‘forgotton’ about but I really honestly do want what is best for them and I had to swallow my pride and let them go.

yes I will leave my FIL alone but if they had any empathy then they will understand exactly how I am feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 11:59

JandamiHash · 19/02/2025 11:29

FGS OP leave your poor FIL alone. He’s right in everything he says. You allowed the holiday but your no right to control when and where the kids are on that holiday. Did you really expect the new GF to not be around her ILs because you say so?

It’s not about the new GF. I was told that she was staying in a separate place and dad was staying with them with grandparents, obviously they would choose to be with their dad over grandparents and it isn’t that I am bothered about. All of it is just so quick and non of it makes sense, I suppose I have had the full whack and not much more can hurt me anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 13:06

@Garlicworth what do you think about my updates, I really found what you said helpful. Should I apologise to FIL?

OP posts:
JandamiHash · 19/02/2025 13:50

Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 11:57

4 months ago. Within a week he was taking them on days out etc so they do know her. I’m guessing partly this is me not wanting to be ‘forgotton’ about but I really honestly do want what is best for them and I had to swallow my pride and let them go.

yes I will leave my FIL alone but if they had any empathy then they will understand exactly how I am feeling.

Show quote history

They are probably feeling VERY conflicted and have to tread a fine line between doing the right thing and not rocking the boat. I know that’s how I’d feel

Shocking parenting on behalf of your ex BTW. What a prick.

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 14:19

JandamiHash · 19/02/2025 13:50

They are probably feeling VERY conflicted and have to tread a fine line between doing the right thing and not rocking the boat. I know that’s how I’d feel

Shocking parenting on behalf of your ex BTW. What a prick.

Show quote history

Yes you’re right they probably don’t know what to do at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 17:53

JandamiHash · 19/02/2025 13:50

They are probably feeling VERY conflicted and have to tread a fine line between doing the right thing and not rocking the boat. I know that’s how I’d feel

Shocking parenting on behalf of your ex BTW. What a prick.

Show quote history

How would you deal with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 17:53

Should I apologise

OP posts:
SpiritOfEcstasy · 20/02/2025 02:21

OP I have been in your shoes and I fully understand what you’re going through. My ex used to take our DC away and would never let them speak to me or let me know they were okay. It’s painful. They’d never been apart from me … . All his family supported him doing this - it’s his time, they’re safe etc. but I know they would have wanted to speak to me. I would always let my DC call their Father. What I can say is that the DCs really missed me and very quickly didn’t want go away with him. It was outside their comfort zone, he wasn’t used to looking after them (lazy and zero effort parenting was a major reason for our break up) & they missed our home life. Obviously I was blamed for this - alienation 🙄 Truthfully it was never about the DC it was all about control & post separation abuse. He dragged us through the family courts for ages & when he failed to gain the sole custody he was seeking he decided not to see them at all. More than six years now … The only advice I can give you is to let it play out. Your ex will likely be more interested in his new gf than his children if he moved on that fast … your DC need looking after - that novelty may wear thin pretty quick but for now be just wants to impress someone. Try to enjoy the time to yourself. Being a single parent is fucking hard - double shifts every day - so if he does step up, be glad of the break. It’s the ONLY time you’re not fully responsible for them 💐

TheMixedGirl · 20/02/2025 02:30

Not being funny but these are your exs parents. Did you expect them to automatically take your side over their son whose children were excited to see their father?
Nothing you can do about the new girlfriend sorry OP. You're going to have to suck it up. It's horrible I know but that's how it goes.

TheMixedGirl · 20/02/2025 02:32

Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 09:04

Yes I know he is the wrong person to me mad at. I’m just mad at the whole situation. Nobody is thinking about what is best for the kids and I just don’t want them to be confused. This woman may be lovely but it’s not the right time is all I am saying. Maybe I should apologise to FIL but I don’t know what to say as obviously I will get less updates now. What on earth can I say?

Show quote history

I think they are thinking what's best for the kids which is to relax and enjoy the holiday. They have been through enough so deserve a holiday with no pressure