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AIBU?

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Original poster

I need some advice

96 replies

Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 02:51

So my ex has took our children on holiday (with the woman he met 3 weeks after we split) 🙄 grandparents are there as they have moved to that country. I had the impression initially that they were staying solely with grandparents and I was happy with that as it means a lot to me. Obviously I want them to spend time with their dad but not with another woman so soon.

I received a text from ex FIL saying this:

They're hardly random as it was obvious they had known each other for a while. They were immediately comfortable together.
What was we supposed to do?
They went out for the day with their Dad and decided they wanted to stay there tonight. I cant demand he brings them back and that would upset them. They're here on holiday to have a good time however that may be. Its about them enjoying themselves and being happy and today they were very happy.
Stop making this about you, the children were happy and thats all that should matter. There's no disrespect, it's just an awkward situation we're in. *is their Dad and they clearly missed him.
We were in bed early tonight so I missed your msg. It’s the 1st nights sleep we've had. Kids up and down all night, when's Daddy getting here? Is he on the plane yet? What time does he land?

So would you like me to demand they stay here and be upset or just accept that they're perfectly fine where they are? We didn't intend this to happen or we wouldn't have gone to as much trouble building beds and putting up curtains in the spare room would we?

OP posts:
Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 02:54

SpiritOfEcstasy · 20/02/2025 02:21

OP I have been in your shoes and I fully understand what you’re going through. My ex used to take our DC away and would never let them speak to me or let me know they were okay. It’s painful. They’d never been apart from me … . All his family supported him doing this - it’s his time, they’re safe etc. but I know they would have wanted to speak to me. I would always let my DC call their Father. What I can say is that the DCs really missed me and very quickly didn’t want go away with him. It was outside their comfort zone, he wasn’t used to looking after them (lazy and zero effort parenting was a major reason for our break up) & they missed our home life. Obviously I was blamed for this - alienation 🙄 Truthfully it was never about the DC it was all about control & post separation abuse. He dragged us through the family courts for ages & when he failed to gain the sole custody he was seeking he decided not to see them at all. More than six years now … The only advice I can give you is to let it play out. Your ex will likely be more interested in his new gf than his children if he moved on that fast … your DC need looking after - that novelty may wear thin pretty quick but for now be just wants to impress someone. Try to enjoy the time to yourself. Being a single parent is fucking hard - double shifts every day - so if he does step up, be glad of the break. It’s the ONLY time you’re not fully responsible for them 💐

Yes. I will just try and enjoy this time to myself.

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 20/02/2025 03:01

My oldest is nearly 4 and if i hadn't heard from him for 2 days I'd be going spare. Id be reasonable enough not to hound for updates, but id expect a daily call with my child. No point kicking off while they're away but id be making it clear to ex when he gets back he needs to sort his communication issues out. What a prick.
Agree you can't take it out on the FIL though. No matter how much of a prick your ex has been they're going to take his side no matter what. Sorry if I've missed this but have you met the new woman?

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 03:19

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 20/02/2025 03:01

My oldest is nearly 4 and if i hadn't heard from him for 2 days I'd be going spare. Id be reasonable enough not to hound for updates, but id expect a daily call with my child. No point kicking off while they're away but id be making it clear to ex when he gets back he needs to sort his communication issues out. What a prick.
Agree you can't take it out on the FIL though. No matter how much of a prick your ex has been they're going to take his side no matter what. Sorry if I've missed this but have you met the new woman?

I have never met the new woman no.

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 20/02/2025 03:21

Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 03:19

I have never met the new woman no.

Show quote history

I wouldn't have allowed my children to go away with someone I hadn't met, that's no dig at you at all, you're trying to do what's right for your kids and let them have a good holiday, but I'd have insisted on meeting new partner before anything was booked. Its done now anyway, try and relax, but i think when they get home you need a proper conversation with ex without the children being in earshot.

fghbvh · 20/02/2025 03:22

I really feel for you in this situation, but the best thing to do now is message FIL to apologise.

Just a quick "I'm sorry for my previous messages and I've taken on board what you've said. I miss the children and would be so grateful for some more regular updates / photos while they're away"

It would stick in my throat to do this, but it's the best way to get what you want - updates.

However, you have to stand by it then, you have got to stop calling / messaging your ex and his parents - even if they continue to be rubbish with their contact with you.

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 03:31

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 20/02/2025 03:21

I wouldn't have allowed my children to go away with someone I hadn't met, that's no dig at you at all, you're trying to do what's right for your kids and let them have a good holiday, but I'd have insisted on meeting new partner before anything was booked. Its done now anyway, try and relax, but i think when they get home you need a proper conversation with ex without the children being in earshot.

Show quote history

I know it was really hard for me to do, I tried to put all these thoughts in the back of my mind as as long as the children are happy that is all that matters. It breaks my heart not hearing from
them/seeing them and don’t quite understand why this woman would want to spend time with my children on holiday so soon. I am really struggling to work out how I have made this about me in the slightest.

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 20/02/2025 03:33

I think people have been a little overly harsh to you on this thread x

SpringCabbage · 20/02/2025 06:48

Sorry OP but you’re saying a lot of contradictory things as you’re obviously hurting.

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 06:58

Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 11:26

I completely disagree. Not thinking about the children would have made me stop them from going. Don’t realise how hard it was for me to allow my 4 year old who has never had a day without me go away with a woman and her son playing happy families who I know literally nothing about. I know that eventually I will have to let go but right now he is still so young and I just miss them so much.

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Can you stop their dad taking them on holiday to see his parents?

They’re not just your children.

I suggest you find something to occupy yourself whilst they’re away, time with friends, some self care etc.

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 07:04

Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 03:31

I know it was really hard for me to do, I tried to put all these thoughts in the back of my mind as as long as the children are happy that is all that matters. It breaks my heart not hearing from
them/seeing them and don’t quite understand why this woman would want to spend time with my children on holiday so soon. I am really struggling to work out how I have made this about me in the slightest.

Show quote history

It’s been all about you, you decided to end your marriage, which I’m sure is the right thing to do. Therefore things change.

One of those things is the children going away with their father.

You’ve clearly been harassing your FIL, who you’ve not bothered with before. He’s told you the situation. The children are fine.

Something tells me you’d almost be pleased if the children were upset and pining for you, that’s not good. If I was their father and thought putting them on the phone to you, would cause angst. I wouldn’t do it. If you want communication open, then you’ve got to show that you want the DC to have fun and are going to speak to them in a positive manner. Not full of woe and anguish.

Encourage them all to have great fun and enjoy your time whilst they’re away.

I do understand that is hard.

IButtleSir · 20/02/2025 07:06

Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 17:53

Should I apologise

YES.

It's very telling that you haven't included your messages to your ex-FIL...

DazedDragon · 20/02/2025 07:13

Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 17:53

Should I apologise

Yes. Of course you should apologise!

You were unkind at something that isn't his fault.

The kids are with their dad. You trusted him enough to have kids with him and he isn't going to hurt them. Let them have their holiday.

mamajong · 20/02/2025 07:15

This is about the kids having a relationship with their dad, you're making it about your feelings about OW but their dad is just as entitled to you to make decisions when they are in his care. You aren't being noble by 'allowing it to happen' - he's their dad and the courts would likely have granted permission if you hadn't.

You are clearly devastated by the end of your relationship and the ow involvement but you have to deal with this by giving yourself time, talking to friends and/or getting counselling, and not by sending shitty messsges to your in laws and trying to control your kids time when they are not with you.

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 07:19

Liquidgoldd · 19/02/2025 09:04

Yes I know he is the wrong person to me mad at. I’m just mad at the whole situation. Nobody is thinking about what is best for the kids and I just don’t want them to be confused. This woman may be lovely but it’s not the right time is all I am saying. Maybe I should apologise to FIL but I don’t know what to say as obviously I will get less updates now. What on earth can I say?

Show quote history

hi FIL, sorry for my behaviour over the past few days, of course none of this is your problem, nor can you decide what your son does with his children.

I was anxious and whilst I shouldn’t have, I involved you.

I hope the children are enjoying their break, I’m sure they’re having fun.

If you could send a couple of photos, I would really appreciate that.

Speak soon and again apologies for involving you.

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 08:00

mamajong · 20/02/2025 07:15

This is about the kids having a relationship with their dad, you're making it about your feelings about OW but their dad is just as entitled to you to make decisions when they are in his care. You aren't being noble by 'allowing it to happen' - he's their dad and the courts would likely have granted permission if you hadn't.

You are clearly devastated by the end of your relationship and the ow involvement but you have to deal with this by giving yourself time, talking to friends and/or getting counselling, and not by sending shitty messsges to your in laws and trying to control your kids time when they are not with you.

I am devastated yes, I do still love him but knew I couldn’t carry on the way I was. He just did what he liked (probably with this new woman). You’re right, just because I am going through pain I shouldn’t take it out on other people.

I think it’s human decency to have not done what he did. I would never have stopped it obviously he is their dad etc

when will I feel better?

OP posts:
Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 08:04

mamajong · 20/02/2025 07:15

This is about the kids having a relationship with their dad, you're making it about your feelings about OW but their dad is just as entitled to you to make decisions when they are in his care. You aren't being noble by 'allowing it to happen' - he's their dad and the courts would likely have granted permission if you hadn't.

You are clearly devastated by the end of your relationship and the ow involvement but you have to deal with this by giving yourself time, talking to friends and/or getting counselling, and not by sending shitty messsges to your in laws and trying to control your kids time when they are not with you.

I don’t think I am making it about the other woman, I admit I am bitter, I have never met her? Do I really need to? Should I just trust that ex wouldn’t put them in danger?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 20/02/2025 12:48

Ok maybe not made him but suggested it wasn’t the best idea he has had.

You have no idea whether the grandparents tried this.

You are taking out your frustration with your ex on your FiL, really not a good move.

Appreciate it's not easy for you. The only thing you can control is how you react. Your D.C. are ok and you can make it easier for yourself. Much better to do so, it will get easier, I promise.

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 14:14

FinallyHere · 20/02/2025 12:48

Ok maybe not made him but suggested it wasn’t the best idea he has had.

You have no idea whether the grandparents tried this.

You are taking out your frustration with your ex on your FiL, really not a good move.

Appreciate it's not easy for you. The only thing you can control is how you react. Your D.C. are ok and you can make it easier for yourself. Much better to do so, it will get easier, I promise.

I have thought about it and don’t think I need to apologise. No it’s not their fault and I am hurting. Ex just said I can call the kids whenever I want but didn’t answer the phone yet again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 14:16

Ex PIL were never relevant to my life anyway. I never spoke to them and they never made any effort with the kids. Heck they didn’t even bring their own children up (history is obviously repeating itself) I can’t change what has happened and although it hurts I will come through this, stronger and a much better version of myself. I am not a nasty person, I have a big heart, I was the one who was up in the night breastfeeding/comforting them whilst he was asleep. When somebody shows you are they are, let them.

OP posts:
LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 14:21

Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 14:14

I have thought about it and don’t think I need to apologise. No it’s not their fault and I am hurting. Ex just said I can call the kids whenever I want but didn’t answer the phone yet again.

Show quote history

Not you FIL fault and he didn’t deserve your wrath!

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 14:28

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 14:21

Not you FIL fault and he didn’t deserve your wrath!

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Well maybe if they would have taught their son morals we wouldn’t be in this situation

OP posts:
LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 14:31

Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 14:28

Well maybe if they would have taught their son morals we wouldn’t be in this situation

Edited
Show quote history

Oh so it’s his fault? Maybe if you’d chosen a better father for your children, you wouldn’t be in this position.

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 14:32

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 14:31

Oh so it’s his fault? Maybe if you’d chosen a better father for your children, you wouldn’t be in this position.

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Yes, I admit my faults

OP posts:
LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 14:35

Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 14:32

Yes, I admit my faults

Show quote history

Then don’t blame and involve his father, you know what he’s like, so deal with him.

If you don’t apologise, don’t expect any more information ever from your FIL.

Original poster
Liquidgoldd · 20/02/2025 14:42

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 14:35

Then don’t blame and involve his father, you know what he’s like, so deal with him.

If you don’t apologise, don’t expect any more information ever from your FIL.

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I have 2 days left, like I said I never speak to them anyway.

OP posts: