We’re spending the kids inheritance

[Tuppenceabaggy]

Does anyone find it weird when parents/older people say this and so proudly?

Ive heard a few times people saying they sacrificed everything for their kids, now it’s their time…is this a bit selfish/odd? Children don’t ask to be born, do they.

Now i’m a parent, I just find my parents and some others way of doing things quite odd.

My dad worked in a good job and Dm was a sahm. I had a part time job since I was 14, if I wanted something, I had to pay for it (except clothes treats out of Christmas and birthday money) I paid for all my own driving lessons (I had a lot and it cost a fortune) I bought my own car and paid insurance etc, Dh and I got our mortgage ourselves with no help.

Now I have Dd, there’s not a lot of spare cash to go around, but I will have a savings account in the event of going to uni (if she chooses to) helping with driving lessons and first car and hopefully a little help with a first home (provided we can try our best to save for this)

I don’t want my parents money, i’m
happy to see them spend it on themselves and enjoy it a bit, but it’s just not how I see my life, everything I think about is for Dd first.

Is this just a generational thing?

Agreed

Maybe they're resentful that their children are so money grabbing. These people are spending their own money - it's not an inheritance until they are dead.

Absolutely this!

My job as a parent is to teach them self reliance and independence. That's hugely important and much needed life skills.

I took pride in earning money to buy my own things as a teenager. With that, came not having to ask for things. Being able to decide what was important for me. And I see that very much in my eldest.

No you don't, or you wouldn't.

It’s definitely a dickhead thing to say, whether it’s specific to boomers or not.

I think in the past, wealthy older people were usually from wealth, and thought of it as generational money to be handed down and down again. So they would rarely be spending all their capital. And most older people were poor! That’s not a good thing, it was just the case.

Now for the first time we have a generation who, quite often, have had a windfall of money due to the housing market and other one-off factors. They’re better off than their parents were or their children are/ will be.

So people will this attitude will nearly always be boomers as no one else has been in this specific position.

But yes it’s a horrible thing to say, esp gleefully, in the way that I think you mean.

My parents aren’t like this btw - I often try to encourage them to actually spend some money on things like travel.

OP your child is a small child. Of course you want to do everything you can for her. It’s lovely and it’s your role. Now.
But as she gets older your role is to help her to grow herself. To help her to achieve things for herself not just give her stuff.
Yes it’s great to help with costs and to have a safety net if things go wrong but it’s not great for a young adult to be given everything in life.
Im a genX and I am saving for my children’s university education but if they get a great graduate job and do well for themselves then DH and I will do something nice for ourselves when we retire. And we will use our savings for elderly care so our dc don’t have to worry about us.

It's their money, it should be spent on themselves all the time they are able/need to. I hate disparity between siblings in terms of inheritance, but that's a whole different issue. My parents worked hard for their money, did the best they could in sometimes adverse situations - whatever they have saved/available now is for them to utilise in the best way possible, whether that be in terms of health care or having fun. I've never expected anything from my parents, apart from equality. It's their money, they should be able to make the most of it without thinking about us first. My parents are long divorced, with very different family and individual financial situations these days. I expect nothing from either of them, but I hope they will each be fair to us all in their own capacity, should they choose to leave any of us anything.

I think you’re conflating two things…how they raised their children and inheritance.

I couldn’t care less if my parents leave me an inheritance. I’m already married, housed & have my own DC & career. Inheritance when I’m 60+ isn’t hugely useful.

Bring raised however…definitely generational issues. There’s 13 years between my DSis & I and we were raised entirely differently. Like you I had a job at 15 and worked PT all through my exam years at school & then at uni. I also traveled home 1 hour on a bus at 10pm after work. I paid digs the entire time. My sister got her first job of any sort at 22. Moved out at 26. Never paid a penny in digs.

My experience was the norm for my generation & my DSis was normal for hers.

MNs is weird with money & family. You will be told you can't afford more dc or private school if you aren't saving to help with uni or house deposits. It's outrageous to discuss the inequality of house prices and inheritance in the context of tax & the whole "I've scrimped and saved to leave stuff to my dc". However it's entitled for a child to expect help with a deposit or some inheritance 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah but it would be nice to acknowledge, in situations where this is the case, that they’d been a bit lucky in the way that previous generations weren’t and future generations won’t be.

Don't be so ridiculous.

Totally agree. Most people accumulate wealth through a combination of inheritance and capital gains (out of their control) in addition to working. It's disingenuous to act as though it's all self gained and younger generations should expect nothing. Of course that's not to say older people should impoverish themselves or do without for their kids. Just a little balance really.

what a ridiculous generalisation

Ok so as a (nearly) boomer……
I have paid for uni
I have bought cars
I gave each £50k as a deposit
every significant life event (wedding,house move, grandchild etc) has been marked with a significant cash present

At what point am I allowed to spend my own money on the one and only life im going to get without accusation of apparently selfishly hoarding assets and depriving my family?

Agreed. I am a boomer, just about. If I posted all the time moaning about one of the other pointless labels I'd rightly be ripped to shreds. Why are those of us born between 1945 and 1965 or whatever it is fair game? It makes no sense to say that all the people born between a pair of arbitrary dates are the same.

What it seems to mean is 'My parents did X, so everybody else their age must also have done X, so they are all beneath contempt'. Come on.

Unless you intend to look after them if they are fraile and become unable to care for themselves? If the answer is no they they have every right to do as they wish.

I find it odd when people don't care about their folks, chuck them in a care home and then expect something from them.
I assume parents cared for their babies / children until they were able to be more independent? So when they become dependent themselves the children should step in.

She might think one is value for money and the other not, and not be prepared to pay for it

Why not, dont you have agency to make your own financial decisions even though your neighbour/friend/colleague may think your choices odd?

So many controlling views on here. Someones money is their own, to spend how they wish. Its not someones future inheritance.

No one loves a martyr.

Being a millennial and having experienced how tough it has been to set up a life, even with a highly paying job, as soon as I finish paying off my mortgage I'm going to start saving towards paying off my sons' future mortgages.

In the future (and actually now) it won't be about what you earn but how much you inherit. My boomer parents have been somewhat generous but could do a lot more to help my brother. His life looks quite bleak because he's not on a high salary and lives in the south east where all his friends and family are. I still don't think my parents really understand how lucky they've been to be born in the times they were and accumulated so much wealth just from buying a house in the south east in the 80s

Let me tell you something about older parents. I'm at the tail end of Boomers. We were never, ever put first by our parents. Ever. Neither were they as children. Generations lived this way. The 'seen and not heard' eras.
When I, and all my peers, became parents, we put the children first. That meant considering their needs in family decisions, house moves, relocations, holidays etc. as they grew, they did the same for their kids (as many of you are now)

But that leaves my generation as never having come first.

So some, not all, are thinking.... hang on a minute!

We were the generation that turned it round. Please don't forget that.

(And some of us were single mums with no financial or social support, yet judged at every turn).

Boomers: cheap houses, massive profits, excellent pensions, free university for them and their children, multiple holidays per year, very comfortable lifestyles.

People who came after: unaffordable housing, not as much free money from buying a house at the right time, student loans for them and their kids, lower quality of life.

Stinginess and selfishness: boomers not paying it forwards and sharing the benefits they got by being born at the right time with their offspring.

The younger generations see how much harder it is for each generation and quite rightly want to help their kids as they don't want them to struggle. Boomer generation just want to keep all the lolly for themselves because they didn't go through the struggle themselves so don't get how it is now.

Boomers can't see their own faults in this because 'they made it all from nothing' and they don't understand that it was all lucky timing and you can't do it anymore.

We're Boomers. I hate this 'Boomers are selfish' attitude. We've helped ours through University, paid for their driving lessons, given them deposits for their houses. We've also diverted my parents' bequests to them, so they had some cash to spend. We've taken them on family holidays, and frequently send them a bit of cash when we're feeling flush.

But not everyone thinks like you which is the OPs point.

They're not spending their money. They're usually spending the inheritance they got from their parents.

please post evidence to back up this claim.
Not my experience nor most of my friends, yet we have subsidised kids uni, cars, rent free living while searching for jobs, house deposits etc. Most people I know would say the same. And you still don't want us to spend a bit of money on ourselves?

When my kids were small, we were so poor it wasn't even funny. I went without food many a time to make sure they were fed. But I did my job raising them properly and they are now all earning far far in excess of what I make. They all (bar one) own houses too. There are five of them. Whatever I can leave will be split five ways, so it won't be much even if it's a substantial sum (which it won't be, I've got a house and not much else). So I'm spending to make my life more pleasant and comfortable now - the kids will manage and they are happy about this.

No, i’m talking about all of it, how growing up, they didn’t help with driving lessons, a car, no savings account (however small) no help with a house deposit, none of it was even considered, whereas I worry about not being able financially to help my Dd with at least as much of this as I can and i’ll work as hard as I can to make it happen. We scrimp and save at the moment, something I want to do for her, I don’t think about when she’s older and how much money i’ll have to spend on myself, I hope we can have some treats, but I primarily put her first in my mind and actively want to.

Well that's your prerogative isn't it? No one else cares about what happens to your money really. In reality a huge number of people don't pay for driving lessons, savings, house deposit for their offspring. You are very lucky to be able to be planning to.

I was brought up in care, no money for me at all bar the £20 quid I was given when I had to leave the day after my 18th birthday. It took me many years of poverty to get myself to where I am now. I love my boys, I will always help them if I can, but not to my own detriment. I deserve to enjoy my life now, I'm not rich but we have a decent lifestyle and own our own home, the boys have never known different.

If you want to be a martyr for your children that's fine, but they probably won't thank you for it. DHs parents scrimped and saved 'for him', he had private education and everything he needed but all he remembers about it was that they said no we can't afford it to everything else like having an ice cream from the van, days out, or cinema trips.

You need to enjoy life now and adjust as needs change, not 'scrimp & save' to give them something 18yrs later.

I think they are one of the most selfish generations.

I don't think it is a generational thing....I think it is an individual thing. My parents are part of the boomer generation and they always were cautious about spending on themselves and wanting to save and give to us. My father has passed, but he was similar to my mum....a saver, but also generous if we needed money for different reasons. Mum lives a very comfortable life, but if she wanted she could take luxury holidays, buy designer bags and clothes etc. But she prefers not to and wants to save instead or give money to her children and grandchildren.