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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What do you do when your child won't take no for an answer?

132 replies

bluebane · 18/02/2025 12:53

My 7yo is literally trying to wear me down by asking me the same thing on repeat until she gets it.
She does this a lot and I'm losing my mind.
It can be something I've said no to or something she wants immediately and will not stop keeping on until she gets.

OP posts:
IShouldNotBeSurprised · 18/02/2025 15:29

Our kids learned very young that my "no" meant "no." If they persisted, they were told they had their answer and, if they didn't stop, the next thing they wanted would be an automatic "no" so they could learn how to take it appropriately. Usually the "mom look" and a firm "Enough" did the trick once they got past the toddler stage.

outerspacepotato · 18/02/2025 15:33

They keep bugging, it's Chore Time.

If it's things like snacks or drinks, I had a fruit bowl on the table and a 7 year old can get herself a glass of water.

IShouldNotBeSurprised · 18/02/2025 15:35

Agree with @outerspacepotato chores are a good time filler for kids who are waiting for something and won't leave you alone, or for claims of boredom.

trivialMorning · 18/02/2025 15:40

bluebane · 18/02/2025 14:20

I meant I don't give in when it's a flat no to something even though she will still keep on and on all day but if I say I will play something in a minute or she asks for a snack/drjnk/treat and I say yes in a minute she won't give me that minute and will keep on and on demanding it immediately.

With the delayed time one she needs more obvious way of timing/knowing at what point it will get there because the "minute" or unspeficied amount of time doesn't mean anything to her - or she needs to be given a task to help get the snack drink ready ie fetch plates or bowls or cups.

Though sometimes I thought it was just they wanted attention - so were competeing with task I was doing at the minute - but then the obvious clue they can see hear to end of that task or time I was giving that task helps - timer/clock end of TV program - or being given a task to do to distract so you can get it done.

Though at 7 a complete stop everything and look at them giving them your entire attention and saying I need to get x done first and longer you distract me from it longer it will be till I can do anything for you. Then suggest a distraction activity to them or get them to acknowlege they need to let you have the time before restarting task and let them work out what to do till you have time.

Though I am wodnering if you get talked at and asked same questions for facts with no pause to take answers in - DS did that drove me mad at times but it was more than pestering to make me change my mind - it was more aimless and anxiety driven that that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/02/2025 15:45

bluebane · 18/02/2025 14:20

I meant I don't give in when it's a flat no to something even though she will still keep on and on all day but if I say I will play something in a minute or she asks for a snack/drjnk/treat and I say yes in a minute she won't give me that minute and will keep on and on demanding it immediately.

'I said "yes, in a minute". One more demand and that answer will change to "no". '
And follow it through.

Nagging for something I've said 'no' to - that would be a 'Go to your room and don't come out until you're prepared to behave better.'

Velmy · 18/02/2025 16:03

bluebane · 18/02/2025 14:20

I meant I don't give in when it's a flat no to something even though she will still keep on and on all day but if I say I will play something in a minute or she asks for a snack/drjnk/treat and I say yes in a minute she won't give me that minute and will keep on and on demanding it immediately.

"If you ask for X again, you won't get it."

"If you ask again after that, it goes in the bin"

Kjjhy · 18/02/2025 16:07

In this instance, I would raise my voice and shout.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 18/02/2025 16:09

bluebane · 18/02/2025 12:59

I have not given in but I am running out of things to take away

Headphones - put them on when they don’t stop mithering

changedusernameforthis1 · 18/02/2025 16:36

I continue saying no, with an explanation as to why. If she continues then I ignore her and only respond if she changes the subject.
If she still continues, things start being taken away until she stops - this last one always works if the others haven't, so if that doesn't work then I'm not sure what else to do. I've probably jinxed myself now 😅

BertieBotts · 18/02/2025 16:50

Agree that both my kids who are diagnosed ADHD do/did this. (One is 16 and has grown out of it!) Of course, I'm not suggesting it is a behaviour unique to ADHD and even if it was, you can't diagnose from a single anecdote/symptom. But in case you were seeing signs in other places and wondering, I'd say it's a potential tick in a box.

I will add that ADHD is very genetic and I have it too, and I think with the "in a minute" example, I can self-reflect that (esp pre medication) I was very guilty of saying this, and in fact what I meant was that I'm engrossed in something (MN probably...), and I don't want to break out of that to go get you a drink or a snack or whatever. So I'd say in a minute, which means go away and stop bothering me, and then if they do that the problem is that I would generally completely forget that the request had ever happened in the first place. Therefore, inadvertantly training my children that asking once and waiting patiently was not a very effective strategy, and what was actually more effective was for them to annoy me to a point where I couldn't focus on what I was doing anyway, at which point I'd stand up and bitch/rant about it (which is in fact attention, which is reinforcing) but I would in fact get them the drink or snack because I recognised oops, I've been avoiding that longer than I intended to. So it was double reinforcing.

What did they learn from those (repeated) interactions?

Asking once and waiting patiently is ineffective.
Asking multiple times and annoying Mummy is very effective.
It's totally valid behaviour (Mum does it) to bitch and rant at someone when annoyed.

Blush I mean, Jesus. If there was a damning self reflection. Of course that's not the parent I INTEND to be, or the messages I want to teach them, AT ALL.

I don't say that in a way to assume that's what's going on in OP's house - just to illustrate that sometimes our unconscious behaviour is more influential than the choices we make. Because in the above example if I had decided that repeated asking would result in some consequence, it would probably not be very effective to squash the behaviour.

So first reflection - as somebody else said, rather than say "in a minute" I either pause what I'm doing to get it straight away, or I give a clearer timescale of when I will get it and then do something to remind me so I don't forget, and then I'm much less likely to get into the state where I'm annoyed by them asking but I realise I have been a bit slack so I feel guilty which makes me feel like I can't delay to make a point, but OTOH also I'm likely to be snappy/irritable.

But secondly - I think when they get stuck on asking for something repeatedly, even if it is something you've said a clear no to, they're actually telling you something else, like they're bored or having trouble moving on to the next activity. (Yes I know this sounds like a wanky social media parenting thing - bear with me). So I think it can help to strengthen the behaviour you want (ie, for them to move TF on) either by looking at a longer-term plan for how they can get the thing that they want - if it's something like "go swimming" then find a time when it does work and stick it on the calendar so they see it can happen. If it's something like "go to Legoland" and that's not on the cards then look at a smaller, cheaper/more local attraction which might have some of the lure of Legoland. If it's something you don't want to spend money on, consider making a saving up chart so that they can make progress with their own money towards it, maybe even a reward chart to reinforce some other behaviour.

And/or give them some positive attention in a different way and see if you can suggest something for them to do or something to do together just to interrupt the pattern and redirect their attention without it being a big back and forth conflict, which can be very attractive to some children (esp in ADHD) as well and again is just reinforcing the behaviour you don't want if you engage in the conflict or let yourself get annoyed by it.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 18/02/2025 16:56

BertieBotts · 18/02/2025 16:50

Agree that both my kids who are diagnosed ADHD do/did this. (One is 16 and has grown out of it!) Of course, I'm not suggesting it is a behaviour unique to ADHD and even if it was, you can't diagnose from a single anecdote/symptom. But in case you were seeing signs in other places and wondering, I'd say it's a potential tick in a box.

I will add that ADHD is very genetic and I have it too, and I think with the "in a minute" example, I can self-reflect that (esp pre medication) I was very guilty of saying this, and in fact what I meant was that I'm engrossed in something (MN probably...), and I don't want to break out of that to go get you a drink or a snack or whatever. So I'd say in a minute, which means go away and stop bothering me, and then if they do that the problem is that I would generally completely forget that the request had ever happened in the first place. Therefore, inadvertantly training my children that asking once and waiting patiently was not a very effective strategy, and what was actually more effective was for them to annoy me to a point where I couldn't focus on what I was doing anyway, at which point I'd stand up and bitch/rant about it (which is in fact attention, which is reinforcing) but I would in fact get them the drink or snack because I recognised oops, I've been avoiding that longer than I intended to. So it was double reinforcing.

What did they learn from those (repeated) interactions?

Asking once and waiting patiently is ineffective.
Asking multiple times and annoying Mummy is very effective.
It's totally valid behaviour (Mum does it) to bitch and rant at someone when annoyed.

Blush I mean, Jesus. If there was a damning self reflection. Of course that's not the parent I INTEND to be, or the messages I want to teach them, AT ALL.

I don't say that in a way to assume that's what's going on in OP's house - just to illustrate that sometimes our unconscious behaviour is more influential than the choices we make. Because in the above example if I had decided that repeated asking would result in some consequence, it would probably not be very effective to squash the behaviour.

So first reflection - as somebody else said, rather than say "in a minute" I either pause what I'm doing to get it straight away, or I give a clearer timescale of when I will get it and then do something to remind me so I don't forget, and then I'm much less likely to get into the state where I'm annoyed by them asking but I realise I have been a bit slack so I feel guilty which makes me feel like I can't delay to make a point, but OTOH also I'm likely to be snappy/irritable.

But secondly - I think when they get stuck on asking for something repeatedly, even if it is something you've said a clear no to, they're actually telling you something else, like they're bored or having trouble moving on to the next activity. (Yes I know this sounds like a wanky social media parenting thing - bear with me). So I think it can help to strengthen the behaviour you want (ie, for them to move TF on) either by looking at a longer-term plan for how they can get the thing that they want - if it's something like "go swimming" then find a time when it does work and stick it on the calendar so they see it can happen. If it's something like "go to Legoland" and that's not on the cards then look at a smaller, cheaper/more local attraction which might have some of the lure of Legoland. If it's something you don't want to spend money on, consider making a saving up chart so that they can make progress with their own money towards it, maybe even a reward chart to reinforce some other behaviour.

And/or give them some positive attention in a different way and see if you can suggest something for them to do or something to do together just to interrupt the pattern and redirect their attention without it being a big back and forth conflict, which can be very attractive to some children (esp in ADHD) as well and again is just reinforcing the behaviour you don't want if you engage in the conflict or let yourself get annoyed by it.

Fantastic post @BertieBotts.

Elsvieta · 18/02/2025 20:27

"You've had the answer - if you ask again you'll have no more screen time for the rest of the day" (or whatever else she doesn't want to lose. And never, ever change your mind (if you do, she won't forget). Stand firm.

Easypeasymacncheesy · 18/02/2025 20:31

My 5 year old is very similar. She will go on and on for hours over something and just won’t let it go. I’ve never changed my mind or backed down, I’ve tried to put consequences in for nagging but nothing seems to work.

My 8 year old will even say to her “mummy said no, why do you keep asking”!

Casperroonie · 19/02/2025 13:06

bluebane · 18/02/2025 14:20

I meant I don't give in when it's a flat no to something even though she will still keep on and on all day but if I say I will play something in a minute or she asks for a snack/drjnk/treat and I say yes in a minute she won't give me that minute and will keep on and on demanding it immediately.

Maybe show her how to get snacks herself and when it comes to playing something tell her a time.

Biggles27 · 19/02/2025 16:40

Just say no then don’t engage - just ignore. She cannot win by banging on and on

my friends daughter was like that - Mum would give in after a while. Daughter is now a really obnoxious 22 year old who can’t keep a job as she keeps getting sacked for arguing with Management

Gardenbird123 · 19/02/2025 18:34

It's very annoying
The answer I got from my parents, and one I used with my kids is 'I've said no. The more times you ask, the more determined I will be to stick to my decision'. They do have to learn, and sometimes it's a tough road. I don't agree with bribes, although I would agree with some time spent in their room if they're driving you mad.
Stick with it, and get the point made. It will get easier x

Oblomov25 · 19/02/2025 18:35

Why on earth did you repeatedly give in? Big mistake. Sort that now.

notthatoldchestnut · 19/02/2025 18:38

Yea my kids do this too. The 7 yo in particular in fact!

I remind them that I have already given an answer. Then I tell them to stop asking. If they don't, then they get a consequence. That consequence is to stand outside. They are given their coat and gloves, and sent out of the door.

I never take things away as a consequence as yet - imo this doesn't work for some kids. It certainly didn't work for me. Making them stand outside does appear to!

Flutterbees · 19/02/2025 18:40

'Asked and answered', then change the topic or walk away.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/02/2025 18:45

bluebane · 18/02/2025 14:20

I meant I don't give in when it's a flat no to something even though she will still keep on and on all day but if I say I will play something in a minute or she asks for a snack/drjnk/treat and I say yes in a minute she won't give me that minute and will keep on and on demanding it immediately.

Then you say “If you ask one more time, it will be an absolute NO”.

moonshinepoursthroughmywindow · 19/02/2025 19:16

It's very simple: if you have said no you don't ever change your mind (or at least not until she is old enough to understand that sometimes there are circumstances where it genuinely makes sense to change your mind) and if she keeps moaning, you just ignore it as much as possible. It may take time, but she will eventually see that these tactics never get her what she wants and will start to accept it. She will also be gradually getting more mature and that will help unless you have already established bad habits, which it sounds as if you've tried hard to avoid. Hang in there, it won't always be like this.

Islandgirl68 · 19/02/2025 19:23

@bluebane that could be your problem. She knows you will eventually say yes and she keeps going till you do. You have to say no and mean it and not give in. It will be hard but worth it in the end.

BlondiePortz · 19/02/2025 19:48

Of course they keep on going on because they get what they want

No means no, with me, they had a bit of a whinge once or twice and we moved on

lessglittermoremud · 20/02/2025 09:33

I’m absolutely more stubborn then my children, they know if I’ve said no, I mean it and keeping on would make me drag my heels in more…. Eg if they couldn’t have an icecream before lunch but they may get one after lunch if they kept on it would be no ice cream at all.

Ritzybitzy · 20/02/2025 10:14

Of course she doesn’t let it go, she knows she will get what you want. The only way to stop it is to stand your ground.