What do you do when your child won't take no for an answer?

[bluebane]

My 7yo is literally trying to wear me down by asking me the same thing on repeat until she gets it.
She does this a lot and I'm losing my mind.
It can be something I've said no to or something she wants immediately and will not stop keeping on until she gets.

You're not being serious are you?

It’s the age of boundary pushing.
say no to everything for a week or two even things you say yes to normally

Too late now - a 7 y.o. should not be doing it. The only way to remedy this is sanctions. 'If you say this once again .... this will happen' and do it. This could be their favourite gymnastics practice or a playdate or anything they like. If that does not work you say 'I am going to school tomorrow and shall report you to the teacher' - a threat of something embarrassing usually works. But you have to be committed to following it through though. Only sanctions in the form of threats.

It's not just kids - it's called intermittent reinforcement and it's why a boyfriend who sometimes answers texts leads girls to be wild with desire, but one who is completely reliable doesn't.

https://www.techtarget.com/whatis/definition/intermittent-reinforcement

What is the rationale behind the idea of no consequences for a 7 year old who knows exactly what they are doing?

Say no once or twice and then completely ignore them. Stonewall that specific question

I wouldn’t punish them for it. Ignoring or responding with the same, nonsensical answer after the first time (e.g. “Banana”) is the only proportionate response, IMO. Distraction tended to work best. I try and take comfort from the fact that persistence is a good character trait for them to develop that will stand them well in life, but it drove me mad too.

This. Never give in and if it persists you need to up the stakes. At 7, mine were told that if they kept asking for more X, there would be none if it tomorrow. I said it stop it now, or else … basically.

If you gave given in before, then that is why she is trying to wear you down. Because it worked.

This highlights what I was about to say quite well.
Lots of children the conversation would be like the one above. For some children (looking at you DC number 4) never ever ever give up. They ask the needle they plead they don't care if things are removed, they don't care, if they get sanctioned. My youngest was born like this. When I was trying to wean her off the boob at 16 month she asked to be breastfed for 12 hours straight. She is like this about everything when she decides she wants it. It's properly exhausting.

I meant I don't give in when it's a flat no to something even though she will still keep on and on all day but if I say I will play something in a minute or she asks for a snack/drjnk/treat and I say yes in a minute she won't give me that minute and will keep on and on demanding it immediately.

Wait, what? Why are you taking things away from her? She isnt being naughty, she is doing what you have literally trained her to do! You are the one who is in the wrong for sending mixed messages and teaching her 'no' means 'yes'. You are punishing her for your own weakness!

The first time you say no, and why it is is a no. The next time you say no, i have already told you why, and after that you just ignore.

I think you need to be more specific.

If it’s 1pm say you can have the snack at 2pm and you will let her know when it’s time or set a time or your phone/help her learn how to read a clock.

I think saying in a minute is setting yourself up to fail because she will of course keep on asking.

That's because children know you don't actually mean in one minute and that you mean at some indeterminate point in the future when I can he bothered standing up/when this programme has finished/when I've done this job.

It feels like a fob off because it is.

Give a more definite time if you actually intend to give it to her, eg I am just doing X right now. When I have finished I will get you Y.' Or "This will be finished in 10 mins so I will get that for you at 4 o'clock".

Why can you only play or get it in a minute? What is special.about that minute? Is it really a minute or is it longer. Be more specific.

Well, hang on a minute, you are literally changing your story , even on this thread.In your OP you said
'It can be something I've said no to or something she wants immediately and will not stop keeping on until she gets.'
It is no wonder your daughter doesnt know where she stands with you.

I guess the problem is she knows if she wears you down, she'll get it

Buy her a timer or set a timer for her saying you will be there in 5 mins but if she keeps asking you to come now explain it will take you longer to finish what you’re doing before playing.

Children can become "consequence blind", but lack of attention (and lack of what they were begging for) is a fairly good consequence.

I had one very persistent child-

So I would say "no you can't light matches (or whatever) and please do not ask again. If you do ask again you will forfeit X" and so on. Realistic penalties that you have to enforce-commersuarate with the wrongdoing.

If you are clear up front what the penalties are for repeatedly asking then it feels more like the child's choice and once you are enforcing the penalties they will see the cause and effect and hopefully learn.

Bearing clear and consistent for the win.

There's no need.

Longer answer is giving consequences can create a drama some are attracted to, as a pp mentioned. Alternatively it can just worsen a situation unnecessarily.

In general, I don't give consequences or sanctions (or rewards) bar the rare time or even rare threat to use them. This approach has worked v well (two v different dc 10 and 13). One of them was v tricky and the other never had to be asked twice, told twice and never even had a tantrum as a toddler.

This is a very good idea.

After you've said no once, the next answer is "Are you asking again? I've already said no, and if you ask again, you'll get a time out." She earns a ten minute time-out every subsequent time she asks even if she ends up spending hours in time out. After the time out she needs to apologise for not listening.

Don't address the request itself after you've said no the first time, in other words.

By the same token, make sure you think a bit before saying no - it shouldn't be the default.

I try to give specific answers rather than just say no, it seems to help.
For example: DD - can you play this with me?
Me - I need to finish these two jobs which will take about 10 minutes and then I will.
She usually accepts this but wouldn’t let me get away with it “in a minute”!

Yeah pretty much this. "The more times I have to stop what I'm doing to answer you, the longer this is going to take" on repeat.

Or just ignore after the first few times. DH puts earplugs in

We don't generally give a negative consequence as, for us, if DC are doing this then they've got to the 'any attention is good attention' phase so ignoring seems to work better.

And as pp have said, never ever cave in as it just reinforces the behaviour.

Yes to this.

My reply was always "I've said no and asking me again and again is not going to change my mind. So you can keep asking or stop, either way you won't be getting X"