To think it would be nice if guests helped with the washing up

[Forestmumlondon]

Rarely have people round for dinner but the last couple of times (Christmas day, and then more recently for a late lunch), I've been left with all the washing up and tidying up.

Am mainly just happy to have people over and grateful they've come round. BUT as a single mum with an under 5 year old... Am I being unreasonable to think it would be NICE if people helped a bit with the tidying up? After the stress of food shopping, prep, entertaining and then all the washing up it leaves me exhausted and burnt out for days!!

Think it doesn't help that being slightly socially awkward I find the socialising aspect also quite draining. But what's the alternative never have people over!?

Yes it is - invite people for a pot luck if you want to have company. Salad, casserole, bread, dessert - you provide one dish and sides and wine or drinks, and your friends bring a dish to share. Then they have to bring their own dishes and leftovers home.

No I wouldn't want my guests doing the washing up. I think that would be weird, they are there to spend time with me not do the dishes.

It's still time spent together if you're all helping to cook or clean up.

Kindly, it sounds like you're struggling being a single mother and you are lonely. It seems like you want someone to share the load with, but the people you invite over for tea aren't going to do that OP. You can't expect to invite people over and have them do your chores.

It's not silly. Don't feel bad.

I suggested a potluck dinner upthread and the advantages of that style of hosting are:
It costs you less.
Guests feel more at home and less like guests who need to be entertained when the food isn't all laid on for them.
Guests are more likely to muck in in the kitchen when they feel at home.
A potluck dinner doesn't feel as formal as a roast dinner, which many people associate with more formal occasions. Potlucks are traditionally casseroles, lasagne, hearty soup and bread, etc.

However, if it's tiring for you to 'entertain', or chat for hours with the thought of the dirty dishes hanging over you, I do feel you're putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Could you invite people for "dinner from 5 to 8"?

Could you just pop your dishes and cutlery into a sink full of hot, soapy water and let them soak, then return to them later?

Would you feel awkward inviting guests to sit and chat/ sip wine in the kitchen while you do a full wash up, or is there room there for that?

If there's no room, then filling the sink, quickly scraping the dishes and popping everything into the hot water to soak might be the way to go.

I think having an end of the evening time included in your invitation would be acceptable - your guests would understand that your child has a bedtime.

What is stopping you from saying, "Right, let's all adjourn to the kitchen and we can wash up," and then giving them all jobs?

You might regret it though - people can be horribly butter fingered, not know left from right, etc...

And then there's the awkward bit after the wash up is done when nobody knows whether they should go straight home or settle down again for a few hours of chatting.

How well do you know the guests you normally invite?

Would you like to go to someone else's house to help them cook or clean? If not, why do you think they want to come to yours and cook or clean?

I think you're missing a partner to help you, but you can't expect other people, who themselves are quite possibly at capacity, to fill that gap for you.

I think you're currently looking for something that benefits you far more than it benefits them. The only way you can make this work is to get together with people in a similar situation to you, who would also like to create a "family style" environment they don't have at home and then take turns. That way you're both benefiting equally. Or, I do quite like the idea of a pot luck, but that will still leave you with tidying the house and then washing up afterwards.

As a general rule, I have enough on my plate dealing with my own housework, cooking, cleaning, washing up etc. I'd rather forgo the meal than be expected to work for my dinner. Stacking some plates and carrying them out to the kitchen etc, fine, but not doing all the washing up and clearing up for you. I don't want to be scrubbing pans or cleaning kitchens or providing childcare in my rare leisure time. I do enough of that stuff at home. I'd rather go out for dinner when meeting friends where I wouldn't have to do the washing up.

My home is where family (mine and DH's) tend to gather for occasions such as Sunday lunch, Easter, birthdays etc, because of our location and size of property. I really enjoy hosting these events, but, as it's family, and as numbers can be large, I do appreciate when everyone mucks in to help make them happen. They don't have to do anything arduous - think, helping to fill water jugs, or clearing plates (especially to make way for the next course!). I think it's especially important to set an example for younger family members. I don't mind if they want to get up from the table before everyone else, but I don't hesitate to remind them that they don't leave empty-handed.

I would expect guests to offer to help. I probably wouldn't usually take them up on the offer, but I would wait until they had left to do it myself.

I've never wanted guests to wash up, firstly because I'm being hospitable and secondly because I do the washing up and I have a very particular system. I barely want DP to help me wash up (he does all the cooking). DP and guests can, if they must, stack plates etc by the sink and then LEAVE them there. I quite like putting some tunes on in the kitchen and doing it all by myself afterwards. If I'm knackered I'm happy to leave the dishes til the morning.

I've never offered to wash up when I'm being hosted. I don't consider this a faux pas as I've never once observed a male guest offering to wash up. If they can repair to the living room to talk politics over drinks then so can I.

Suggestions for OP - definitely not a roast which is one of the most washing up intensive meals imaginable. In the winter look into big vats of one-pot stews - by the time the guests arrive it should just involve ladling it into bowls for them. Supplement with nice bread. In the summer, cold food you can make ahead (and thus clear up ahead) like quiches, tarts and so on.

Thing is, if I was "assigned a job" after my portion of dinner, it would probably be the first and last time I accepted an invitation.

When I host, I provide everything and clear up and wash up after my guests and they don't lift a finger, so honestly, that would be my expectation in return. To me that's just what a host does.

Don't get me wrong, if someone asked, I'd do it without saying anything the first time to avoid being rude or making a fuss, but I'd decline future invitations either entirely or suggest going out to a restaurant instead. I really don't want to spend my free time doing the washing up or clearing up someone else's kitchen.

But that said, I do reciprocate invitations, so I'd be giving my host a night off and a cooked dinner in return, so it would all even out.

I'm guilty of being a bit too passive in other homes, as i hate people poking around in my kitchen where i have carefully hidden the mess, or putting things away in wrong place, using wrong bin etc, so i don't do it in theirs, however if i am asked to do something I'm thrilled to be useful just because i'm just sitting there doesn't mean i don't want to help. So maybe ask for help a bit more.

When we go to my sil house ( single mother with 4 kids) we always bring dessert, she no longer asks it's just assumed, i can make something or buy something, bring a punnet of strawberries and cream, she doesn't care, but it's one job off the list. When she comes to ours she will make tea and coffee after dinner while i fill sink and start load up dishwasher.I give her a tray she puts cups etc on it brings it to table then asks people sitting there to load up their dishes and she brings tray back to me. She has always expected her kids to help clear up and i am same with mine. My parents wouldn't have ever dreamed of doing washing up, but i would tell my dd after dinner to put on her pjs and get a book and her grandfather would read it to her, and if she did her teeth he would read two stories- he didn't get a choice.

Yes, exactly this.

Sunday roast was a bad idea. Will go for much easier things next time.

@Inmydreams88
'Kindly, it sounds like you're struggling being a single mother and you are lonely. It seems like you want someone to share the load with, but the people you invite over for tea aren't going to do that OP'

Yep, agree with both of these things. Inviting people over is an attempt to combat the second. Isn't it a shame that in our society you seem to have to be in a couple, or have family who are fit and nearby to not be overwhelmed and lonely.

Normally I would say part of hosting, although I would always offer to help. Christmas or other shared festivals are different IMO as most people expect a special dinner, so everyone has a part to play. Eg if you hadn’t hosted someone else would’ve, whereas a dinner party you decide to host might be on a normal day.

I think there's plenty of single parents without family on hand who aren't overwhelmed and lonely.

I think that you need to find other people who are in a similar situation to you and build your own "friend family" around you. But in order to do that, you need to expect to give as well as to take. And you may have to be bold and proactive in order to get some shared things set up.

I wonder if there's any specific single parent groups in your area? This might be somewhere to meet like minded people.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Depends on the guest I think.

Mum/aunt/sister/bestfriend - they would just get on and start washing up.

I'm definitely in camp "Don't Touch My Kitchen". I hate looking for things for weeks after I've been 'helped', and if anyone is really determined to take over the kitchen, they're off my guest list.

However, it would also bother me if my host disappeared for fifteen minutes after dinner to do the washing up. I'd feel as a guest that the occasion was a good deal more stuffy than I'd feel comfortable with if I were left cooling my heels in the sitting room during the interval. I'd happily pitch in to help with specific kitchen tasks if asked (and I'd always offer). It wouldn't put me off returning. I'd also be happy to find a quiet spot in the kitchen and chat while the host washed up.

But in general, as a host, I'd find the washing up break in the evening a bit awkward - it would throw a spanner into the flow of the evening. I'd just accept that the price of hosting is a late night doing the washing up, with the hope of a return invitation to sweeten the pill.

The best dinner parties I've been to or thrown were held at the kitchen table or seated at the kitchen island - comfortable, informal, and nobody ends up marooned elsewhere while the host takes care of dishes or whatever.

I would HATE dinner guests to help with the washing up. It would mean that I hate to clear up etc. when they wanted to do it. I am happy for people to help clear the table, but then I want to sit down with them and carry on chatting - I can clear up when they've gone or even tomorrow.

Yeh I think when you're already at capacity with work / small child / single parenting etc it's sometimes a bit of a different situation.

I think v low key, at the kitchen table, with easy things to cook is the way forward at the mo for me.

@Forestmumlondon at the moment I only do food which can just be taken out if the oven and served, without a lot of last minute cooking and pans and all the prep done the day before as a minimum, or cold food which again is prepared beforehand. I'm having treatment for cancer (I'm fine at the moment) and the meds make me extremely fatigued and have other unpleasant side effects, so I can't stand up for long periods of time cooking or washing up. I have a few things I do which are easy (for me).
Casseroles, including beef bourguinon, goulash and plain old stew, prepared in advance when I'm feeling well then just defrosted and bunged in the oven - served with baked potatoes or rice.
Slow cooked belly pork served with bread rolls, apple sauce and home made coleslaw.
Cottage pie, again made in advance and frozen. I can't eat lasagne any more unfortunately.

A mix of 'exotic' cold meats and cheeses, several different types of bread, home made potato salad and coleslaw and various fruits for dessert. That's the easiest one and universally popular as theres always something people like. My picky sister who says she will eat anything but doesn't, and who is permanently on a diet, ate masses last time she came to lunch! I was very surprised.
I don't make elaborate puddings any more - but icecream with crispy meringue and a fruit coulis out of a bottle goes down well. Lemon curd instead of coulis works well too.
If you pick meals which have as little preparation and as few pans as possible it makes for less clearing up and less stress. You will know what's easiest for you to do and what your guests/children like to eat.

I never expect guests to help with the clearing away and washing/ drying up. They’re guests, if they’re going to have to do all the chores anyway, they may as well have stayed at home and cooked for themselves.

The caveat to that would be if people were staying with me for say a week, by the 3rd or 4th day I think I’d be wanting a bit of help, or if the guests came over every week, say every Sunday for a Sunday lunch.

We see my in-laws about 4 times a year, twice with us going to them and twice with them coming to us, both for weekends Friday-Sunday. I NEVER expect them to help whilst they’re here, we don’t see them very much and that’s part of hosting IMO.

SIL and MIL both expect ME to help though and make it very obvious they’re annoyed if I don’t offer. The funny thing is, it’s only expected of ME because I’m female, absolutely no shade is thrown at my husband or any of the other men who sit there not offering to help. Winds me up!

I think if you’re going to host, unless it’s the same people every week, then no, it’s not reasonable to expect people to be doing the washing up etc

Just leave them whist you do the washing up, this is normally the point where a guest would say "do you want any help"