To think it would be nice if guests helped with the washing up

[Forestmumlondon]

Rarely have people round for dinner but the last couple of times (Christmas day, and then more recently for a late lunch), I've been left with all the washing up and tidying up.

Am mainly just happy to have people over and grateful they've come round. BUT as a single mum with an under 5 year old... Am I being unreasonable to think it would be NICE if people helped a bit with the tidying up? After the stress of food shopping, prep, entertaining and then all the washing up it leaves me exhausted and burnt out for days!!

Think it doesn't help that being slightly socially awkward I find the socialising aspect also quite draining. But what's the alternative never have people over!?

My mum and MIL always offer to help clear up and load the dishwasher, and I always say no because they’re the guests and the point of having guests is to look after them.

I don’t like guests washing up. All my mismatched mugs, plates and glasses are due to guests helping.

OP, do you struggle a bit with keeping on top of life in general?

Because you seem to see things that I see as complete non-events as big, big tasks, and that might be affecting your mindset.

So feeding yourself and your child breakfast and lunch - meh - no biggie - I certainly wouldn't see that as "catering two meals". It's bunging some cereal in a bowl each and making a sandwich each or similar - something that most people do daily without even blinking, probably takes a total of 10 minutes including tidy up afterwards, but seems a big, big task for you.

Equally, cooking an evening meal and washing up after - most people do that daily, and don't think about it - it's just an integral part of daily life. And if you're talking about inviting an extra person along to regular family meals (like roasts or a pasta dish or a simply chilli or curry etc) then really all they are adding to the mix is an extra plate and an extra knife and fork, and it's hard to see why that's significantly different to the standard cook and clear up after dinner that everyone (presumably including you) does daily.

And again - the whole tidying up before they come? Assuming your house is generally tidy and functional then why does someone coming round to share a meal necessitate anything different to the norm?

If you are talking about throwing major dinner parties - planning a menu with starters, mains and desserts that you wouldn't ordinarily make, all cooked from scratch. Sourcing obscure ingredients. Researching which wines complement your dishes. Laying the table with the best crockery and cutlery, washing and ironing the tablecloth and napkins. Sorting out floristry and table decorations etc, small talk with people you don't know awfully well etc- well yes, you have a point, that kind of thing is hard work. But I don't really think many people do that kind of "dinner party" anymore, and I'd certainly say it's not really appropriate for a single mum of a 5 year old to try to host if it's not something they actively enjoy doing.

But actually, I get the impression it's more that you want (for your benefit) to ask someone you know well (family or friends) along from time to time to join you for your everyday meals that you'd presumably be cooking anyway. And in those circumstances, I'd just crack on exactly as if they weren't there, but just lay an extra place at the table. Which would include not tidying up beyond the regular tidying, and just stacking the dishwasher after dinner as I would normally do. I wouldn't expect the guests to suddenly start doing my washing up for me, but I guess I'd expect them to either be chatting to you in the kitchen whilst you cleared (and probably pitching in in a minor way - passing you this and that for example), or otherwise chatting with your child in the the other room whilst you tidied up.

That's all very well in theory. When I say tidy up I mean clear most of the washing away - not trying to make the place look ready for a vogue shoot or anything.

I do find it more stressful having people over than just dinner for me and DS, they stay for a few hours, making conversation, quite a lot more washing up, and usually I'd do the washing up straight after eating whereas I end up leaving it till after they've gone so it's late.

I also had quite a lot on in the daytime so probably overdid it that day.

Honestly though unless you're a single parent with a small child (or other similar challenging circumstances!) I don't think you'd understand. I cope with life fine, but it's a delicate balance.

I haven't got someone to entertain the guests while I wash up, or put the child to bed, or nip out to get a last minute ingredient. People take these things massively for granted.

It's a shame because I'm sure loads of people would like to have people over more but due to these standards that seem to be the norm 'never expecting guests to help with clearing up' etc it just isn't doable.

And yes feeding myself and my child, not a big deal as such, but unless you've been the one doing all the food shopping, cooking, washing up, paying for shopping, sorting out the fridge when it breaks, etc etc for multiple years you really don't appreciate how the cumulative effect can build up.

I don't like giving him highly processed food either so make most things from scratch, and work, and try and keep fit, take him to clubs, see my friends, etc.

Modern life just doesn't seem to be set up for all these (quite essential) things to be possible. As well as an ageing population and more caring responsibilities (which fall usually on women).

But this is all a much bigger picture than "having someone over to share dinner" which you write about.

Yeah, you seem to be struggling with day to day life in general and being a single mum. I understand the feeling that it's all on you. But it is what it is, and it's not really for others to fill the gap left by not having a partner.

Maybe instead of inviting people to yours for dinner, arrange to meet up for a sandwich at a cafe. Gives you a break for one meal from prepping and clearing away for one meal and won't be super expensive. You could possibly combine it with a trip to the park (the parks around us all have cafes in the grounds) so you could have lunch with a friend plus an afternoon walk together while your LO runs around and burns off some energy.

I'm not struggling with day to day life, but am at 90% capacity.

Thanks for that yes I meet people in cafes/ parks etc.

My little one wasn't feeling that well so wasn't sure he'd be up for going out. And thought it might be nice to share a roast dinner at home with some other people for a change rather than it just be me and him for the millionth time. But can see now that was a silly aspiration.

I prefer it if they don’t help. I would rather do it by myself when everyone has gone. I imagine though if you asked “ would anyone mind lending a hand?” everyone would muck on

I don't really understand why you think it was a silly aspiration?

Presumably you had people round and it went well? You're just a little bit tired because you waited til after they'd gone to do the washing up rather than just cracking on with it whilst they are there? (which you could have done)

I don't really get it. You seem really down on yourself. If you don't enjoy hosting, don't do it again. Lesson learnt. If you do, then maybe make it simpler as per some suggestions on this thread. But if on balance you find the act of hosting is a negative one rather than a positive one, simply don't do it. You don't have to! There's plenty of other ways to socialise and meet up with people.

It's not just staying up later to do the washing up, as I said earlier which some people related too it's stressful for other reasons.

Yeh I don't particularly enjoy 'hosting', especially on my own, but feel me and DS are missing out on family meal type situations. We eat lunch at cafes with other people occasionally, it's not really the same.

I've probably just got unrealistic expectations about what family life should be like, rooted in TV /films/bisto adverts! And always wanted a big family. Need to come to terms with current reality.

I don't really know what to say.

If having "family meals" is important to you then you need to host. If the hassle of hosting outweighs the importance to you of family meals, then don't host.

It sounds unfortunately that your parents are probably at well beyond 100% capacity due to disability/caring needs, so I guess it's sad that you don't have an easy family situation where hosting would generally be reciprocated and people would pitch in. I think parents tend to be the first call for this kind of situation when they're still fit and well and free other responsibilities.

Do the people you've invited round never invite you back? Perhaps if you found someone in a similar situation to you then you could talk about a reciprocal arrangement? So you host them once a month and they host you once a month for Sunday lunch or similar? So once a month you have the hassle of hosting, but once a month you have a sociable meal without lifting a finger.

Get a dishwasher. Go to theirs and enjoy the day Off kitchen duties

I suppose it might be nice if guests offered to help, but I would never ever allow a guest to do anything like that. I can still remember a couple of occasions when my mother in law and mum took themselves off into the kitchen to wash up after xmas dinner. I know it was well intentioned but I found it really intrusive and a little offensive. If I invite someone to my house I don't expect them to help out with cleaning, tidying etc.

I found most "helpful" guests an annoyance more than anything else.

It's the opposite of helpful when people pile all the plates together and try to cram everything in the kitchen pretending they are "helpful". They are not.

It's not usual to do the washing up, but you can just ask for someone to help, no big deal

We host a lot and rarely do we have any help cleaning up - but yes, there are two of us. We have 25 people for Thanksgiving (we are immigrants), various birthday parties etc. The only time our friends help is at Hogmanay as we have volunteered to host several times in a row with the caveat that it's potluck / people help out etc. Otherwise we just clean as we go.

What about hosting for lunch instead? I find that much easier (I totally understand the mental exhaustion of having people in my space for a long time. I find hosting a bit stressful too). We love having friends round for lunch. Sometimes we just make a pasta bake and a salad and open lots of wine, sometimes we are a bit more ambitious.

We are batch cookers anyway so tend to make way too much and then eat leftovers for a few days - that kind of spreads the work out so at least you aren't right back to it the next day. We might roast a chicken or two and make some soup. My husband does love making something super complicated now and again but if we are having just a few friends round we keep it simple. Honestly sometimes we just order a takeaway and enjoy being together.

Yeh I think breakfast or lunch is a better option, bit less pressure and you have the rest of the day to clean up / decompress! Rather than a Sunday end of the day when you have work then next day.

'do people never invite you back'

Honestly, not much! I think the triple threat of COVID (so people getting out of the routine/practice of having people over), having small children (myself and most friends), and getting divorced has sort of obliterated my invitations for coming over to people's houses (for food or otherwise!)

Is pasta with garlic bread an English thing? It wouldn’t even occur to me!

I don't know if its English, just that Iove it.....mind you I find salad with pasta and sauce weird

I was a single parent to my eldest DC, so I understand that feeling of everything falling on your own shoulders.

However, kindly speaking, I do think that your current expectations are set too high.
If it's just that you want you and your DS to share a meal with other people from time to time, then make it manageable.
I'd forget doing a Sunday roast - way too much faff involved at the point of serving up, and too much washing up if you don't have a dishwasher.

Instead, why not invite a friend of DS's over with his mum. Make a spag bol/chicken korma/cottage pie or similar - something that can be made in advance, and just served up easily.
Your 'extra' washing up would be two more plates, forks and knives?

No need for "entertaining/hosting" as such. Just a couple of friends eating together with their children.

I'd absolutely hate it if guests started washing up or tidying in my home. I even hate it when one particular DD does this because she doesn't do the washing up right (throws everything into the dishwasher willy nilly and runs three loads when I'd do it in one), and everything gets put back in the wrong place. I hate not being able to find simple things like the beaters of the hand mixer, the veggie peeler, the medium sieve, the bread knife..

Yes to this.

You're a single mum of a young child - your friends or relatives should be the ones hosting.

Yeh have done this before and has worked well. Although you are then left with loads of toys to clear up too 😂

I think that's quite a luxury to hate people doing your household chores for you