To think it would be nice if guests helped with the washing up

[Forestmumlondon]

Rarely have people round for dinner but the last couple of times (Christmas day, and then more recently for a late lunch), I've been left with all the washing up and tidying up.

Am mainly just happy to have people over and grateful they've come round. BUT as a single mum with an under 5 year old... Am I being unreasonable to think it would be NICE if people helped a bit with the tidying up? After the stress of food shopping, prep, entertaining and then all the washing up it leaves me exhausted and burnt out for days!!

Think it doesn't help that being slightly socially awkward I find the socialising aspect also quite draining. But what's the alternative never have people over!?

I always offer but people usually say no. That is fine if they prefer to do things themselves but can be uncomfortable if they leave you sitting there and spend 30mins in the kitchen

I always offer to help and normally stand up and help clear the table once the host starts to.
Some people really don't like it though, so I still always offer with people like that but don't follow through if they don't like it.
Now that I have kids I tend to help with tidying up the toys on playdates etc.
I probably wouldn't do the washing up but would help with clearing/tidy up, stacking things nicely etc.

You're perfectly within your rights to feel that way. I actually think it's quite cheeky to expect friends to help wash up, unless they are the sort of friends who are there three times a week. It all depends on levels of formality, really. If it's the sort of setup where people drop in on each other and are always in and out of each others' houses, then fine to expect them to chip in. If it is more of a dinner party situation when people have come to relax and enjoy themselves and maybe get dressed up fancy, then no, that's not appropriate. I am in the latter camp, I don't entertain often but when I do, it tends to be more formal with three courses, special china, etc. And certainly no guests washing up.

Don't be a martyr. If it's leaving you exhausted and burnt out for days, though, I'd suggest hosting isn't for you..

I see it as part of hosting as well.

If you find cooking a chore, then don’t invite people for meals, but only coffee and cake.

I find all of it stressful, getting the house relatively tidy, working out how much to cook, cooking, entertaining (easier when there are two of you as one can be sorting stuff out while another chats to guests), I don't mind washing up etc but it's just the straw that breaks the camels back sometimes!

Family wise at Christmas - I have a disabled parent and the other one cares for them... So most of their time and energy is taken up with that.

I think hosting (especially as a solo parent) probably isn't for me tbh.

But the alternative is that me and my 5 year old eat all our meals just the two of us. Which don't get me wrong is nice sometimes but at others it would be nice to have company.

I'm sure the guests are there for your company rather than the cooking.. can you do something more simple like traybakes or get a takeaway?

I'm with you OP. I don't understand how you go to someone house after they've cooked for you and not help clean up. When I cook for people (reasonably frequently) it is generally understood that the person who cooks doesn't clean up. If I go to someone else's house same rules apply. It's a home not a restaurant, there isn't staff!

But then equally, I find it bizarre that people would have issues with other people in their kitchen.

Maybe @Forestmumlondon then next time, give them a job - would you mind grabbing those plates across, while I'm doing coffee/dessert..

However big pots...they are a next day job!

I always offer and take my marigolds with me. The answer is generally no. My children would much rather we played with the grandchildren, bathed them, put them to bed and read bedtime stories while they are clearing up.

I suppose it depends on the circumstances, but I don't see it that way. If I want to have guests, it's because I want to host them and spend time with them. I don't need them to wash up. The people I know all take turns hosting, though, so it all evens out.

My mil used to assume I would wash up if she cooked for us. I did it politely but the treat of the meal was negated by the punishment of washing up and cleaning up all her mess (gravy everywhere!) with a stomach full of mash potatoes.

Can you simplify how you entertain? Relax a bit on the state of the house, buy more pre prepped stuff or do easier dishes. Have you got a more socially minded friend who you can privately ask to help you keep the party going? Surely it can't be good for you (or your daughter) if it leaves you burned out for days. It seems tome that the washing up per se is not the problem?

Yes, I like to relax with guests and chat, rather than having them do kitchen duties.

I mean I'd take that too, I get left with doing child's bedtime, then the cleaning up after that!

I think simple is the way to go.

Although I love the idea of making a roast for more than two people... It's poss just a bit over ambitious at the mo.

For some reason I find it hard to sleep after they've gone,maybe from the stress of it all lol, hence the being burnt out for days.

Dishwasher is all very well but someone still needs to stack it, unload it, clean any bits that haven't been done properly...

Don't be spiteful

I think YABU. If someone is coming for lunch, I wouldn't expect them to help me clean up. If someone was staying for two or three nights, I would expect them to pitch in and help after mealtimes.

I'm exactly the same, wide awake for hours, it's all the adrenaline from the effort. Totally get it xx

Have you got a dishwasher? I just stack all the stuff and run it, no bits that aren't properly clean ever. Do you have trouble sleeping for other reasons? One bad night shouldn't leave you burned out for days?

Were all different but I dont remember going to any friends houses where the guests all pitched in with the washing up and personally dont want my meals to end up with communal chores. I'd find that uncomfortable

I think maybe the issue is when you live on your own the choice seems to be eat on your own everyday / with child, or 'host' people, leading to overthinking, making sure you've got everything they might want, cooking for them, tidying the house, then doing all the washing up.

When you're already stacked out with other stuff the extra work involved just feels too much!

If you're just inviting people over to join in with your family meal, then surely it's just an extra plate and knife and fork per guest. You'd presumably be expecting to cook and wash up anyway for you and DC? How does an extra plate and knife and fork make a significant difference?

Surely you should invite guests because you want to see them/spend time with them, not so they can do your household chores or childcare for you!

This is how I imagine it when I ask them - (I'm cooking a roast for me and DS anyway, just come and join us!)

And the reality feels so much more 😂

When it's just me and DS I don't have to tidy the house before hand, don't have to have certain food in, half the washing up, no anxiety about trying to do conversation while also preparing/serving up food. They also stay for a couple of hours Vs a quick meal with DS. All in all much more effort!

Are you inviting guests for dinner really early? Perhaps wait till your child is in bed first.

Cook something very easy such as spag bol. Don't invite loads of people, just ask one or two.

No way! I invite people over for a good time, not to do chores! It's part of being the host.