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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end friendship because I can't stand her husband?

104 replies

DefrostedAccount · 18/02/2025 11:33

I have a mum friend who I get on with well, but I just cannot stand her husband. He makes me feel uncomfortable, makes my family feel uncomfortable, my friend who met him said she was uncomfortable around him. He's just so odd. Creepy almost. He's always there and I just always feel like I can't be myself. When I do spend time with her on her own it's lovely but it's not very often. I can't exactly say to her 'sorry I don't want to spend time with your DH, can we only spend time together just us', or can I? I know her well enough that that would go down like a lead balloon. Has anyone else had a similar scenario? Feel like cutting ties, and the kids are all in the same friendship group so could just limit it to hanging out with her at birthday parties and group events.... thoughts?

OP posts:

NewHeaven · 18/02/2025 11:39

It sounds like he's doing it on purpose to isolate her from her friends so they will eventually drop her. Keep in touch with her as she may need friends if her marriage is abusive. Even if it's a quick coffee after drop off or play date at the park, be present in her life if only from a distance. You don't have to visit her in her home if it makes you uncomfortable.

GrandpaFlump · 18/02/2025 11:41

Yes! About twenty years ago.
She was lovely, our sons were born within days of each other and were both very gentle, sensitive boys who played really well together.
I loved her company, but her creepy husband was always around, very loud, mocked my slight Yorkshire accent (would put on a really bad, strong accent and thought he was hilarious), commented on my weight and was generally a nasty twat.
I got to a point where I stopped going round as I hated him so much. I messaged her still but it fizzled out.
I heard similar from others about him. I’ve often hoped that she was able to find a friend who her old husband didn’t scare away!
I heard after about 15 years that they split, and I was so very pleased for her.

toomuchfaff · 18/02/2025 11:42

sorry I don't want to spend time with your DH, can we only spend time together just us'

This is exactly what you say

Likely he's doing it purposefully to segregate her as mentioned above, she probably needs friends more than ever.

However you have to protect your own peace, she may not accept her DH is a problem, she may not accept or offer time alone, in that case I'd make it clear that I'll always be available if she needs me, but I don't want to interact with her DH.

Bananalanacake · 18/02/2025 11:42

Does he work, could you suggest meeting after school when he's out. I also think it sounds like he's controlling and wants to cut her off from friends so you need to stay friends in case she asks for support when she's ready.

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 18/02/2025 11:43

I would just tell her straight.

And yes, he's doing it deliberately to isolate her from her friends. My ex did similar

PinkPonyClub25 · 18/02/2025 11:45

Can't you just ask for "girl time", without being blunt if you don't want to ask outright.

purplecorkheart · 18/02/2025 11:47

Kind of. I used to be a regular at her business. Think a service like nails. He used always be there listening and commenting on the conversation. He was a cab driver so always said that he was waiting on his next job but would often ignore his phone. Eventually it came out that he was very physically abusive to her.

User7288339 · 18/02/2025 11:49

Surely you can invite her to stuff? I understand if she invites you round you can't control if her husband is there; but if you invite her round to yours or out for a coffee/drink then it will be clear you're just inviting her?

xILikeJamx · 18/02/2025 11:51

As it stands you're going to drop her anyway, so I'd just tell her the truth as kindly as possible. Maybe she knows he's a prick and has been papering over the cracks and you'll get to keep the friendship.

If you say nothing the friendship is probably over regardless, so if she reacts negatively it doesn't matter.

FrenchandSaunders · 18/02/2025 11:53

Are you going to her house every time? If you invite her to yours or arrange to meet in a cafe/pub, surely he doesn't just rock up with her?

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 18/02/2025 11:56

Forgot to add please don't drop her she needs you.

Is it always you going to her house? Doesn't he work

changedusernameforthis1 · 18/02/2025 12:02

Yes, I had this a few years ago. A friend was dating a much older man, old enough to be her Dad. That in itself didn't bother me that much, until she confessed that they started dating when she was 15 AND he knew her from her being a baby as he was her parents friend 🤢

He had a really creepy vibe to him and she wouldn't go anywhere without him. He'd come over with her and just stare at you, but not look away when you caught him.

Then when DD was about 3, me and DW were on a video chat to them and DD came downstairs to say she'd had a bad dream. He asked to see her as she was away from the camera and I said "Sorry not right now, she's been sleeping in her underwear" and he replied with "That's fine, she's just 3. Not like she's a woman yet."
I was really creeped out and took her back to bed, and when I came down DW said they ended the video chat because I'd "hurt his feelings".
Friendship ended a few days later.

Chillilounger · 18/02/2025 12:03

Keep in touch via text. I vote her to girls nights/ girls days. Make it very clear on invitation. If he turns up refer to the fact it's a girls day. If he protests then have a headache that means you cancel. Repeat. No playdates at hers. I wouldn't want the kids around him.

WearyAuldWumman · 18/02/2025 12:14

End any contact with the creep.

I was in a similar situation years ago. Unfortunately, the creep was my husband's SIL, so I put up with it until the SIL shuffled off this mortal coil. (DH would have supported me, but his daughter would never have believed that there was anything wrong with her partner and I didn't want to muck up the relationship between DH and his daughter.)

(Example: he gave my husband a birthday present of cufflinks marked - I kid you not - "tit hand" and "bum hand". There was an age gap between DH and me and also between the daughter and her partner. Creep seemed to think that it meant that they had something in common.)

DH obviously knew about the present. If he'd known about another incident, the SIL would have had a broken nose and DH would have been in jail. Fortunately, they moved abroad, so we saw them twice a year at most until he died.

Trust your instincts.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 18/02/2025 12:26

I have a friend like this. I try and see her on her own during the school holidays, well, me and my older son, They has a child the same age and they play nicely together.

Although we've not seen much of each other at all over the winter. It's been hard, they had to sell their car as they were skint, and we live rurally so not on a bus route. So it's on us to drive an hour to visit them, but then they only want to do free things, which is fine, but they wont invite us back to their house as its really messy so that really limits us to what we can do. Last autumn they kept us waiting for almost an hour at a park 15 minutes drive from their house. Our kids, and us, were freezing and grumpy by the time they arrived.

Diningtableornot · 18/02/2025 12:28

It would be a shame to end a good friendship for this reason, especially if your friend gets more and more isolated as other friends do the same thing.
I had a friend with an unpleasant husband and I used to see him for short periods as well as spending time with her alone. Perhaps the difference was that she openly admitted he was difficult and could see that other people were not keen on him.
Could you not invite her round rather than visiting her and say something vague like you feel more comfortable in your own home, or you prefer seeing your friends without their other halves? She may get the message and start to open up about how she feels towards him.

jolota · 18/02/2025 12:43

I would stop spending time with someone in this situation.
Especially if they don't want to do stuff just mums & kids.
Sometimes its just like that, its quite rare to find friendships where the whole couple/family actually get on well.
I have a mum friend that I really like but our husbands just aren't a good fit and tbh I don't get a great vibe from her husband, not really anything sinister, he's just not very friendly. I sometimes see her on her own with the kids but the relationship has drifted after I made excuses to avoid a few family dinners.

yakamoza · 18/02/2025 12:44

Is there any possibility you can meet with her without her husband? For example, go shopping together, invite her to your house, go out for a coffee/lunch/dinner girls only etc?

Endofyear · 18/02/2025 12:44

Can't you just invite her round to yours or meet up for coffee somewhere? I wouldn't cut her off altogether, I'd make an effort to arrange to see her when he's not around.

mondaytosunday · 18/02/2025 12:50

All my friends are married/partnered up. I dined very little time with the husbands - not that I don't like them but we meet up away from their home. I also invite the women over for a 'girlie' night. They are totally happy to get out of an evening without their partners.
Can you just meet at yours or out?

sillysmiles · 18/02/2025 13:11

I never spend time with my friends husbands. I catch up with my friends.
Try being more explicit in your invitations that it is just her.

You know your friend so you'll know how to word it, but a simple - leaving the guys at home helps set expectations.

I echo what others have said though of not letting him isolate her from her friends

LlamaDharma · 18/02/2025 13:14

What is it that's creepy about him?

Deedeesharpwhatkindoflady · 18/02/2025 13:22

LlamaDharma · 18/02/2025 13:14

What is it that's creepy about him?

Breathing by the sounds of it.
He sounds a right piece of work,who mocks their partners friends.
He's an Arsehole!!

DaisyChain505 · 18/02/2025 13:27

Why can’t you just see her without her husband around?

I have been best friends with my 4 close friends for over 20 years and I only see their partners once in a blue moon.

Go out for coffee, ask for a cinema date, girl time, invite her to yours. There’s so many ways in which her partner doesn’t need to be there and unless you constantly bring your partner too, it’s really weird.

ManchesterGirl2 · 18/02/2025 13:32

PinkPonyClub25 · 18/02/2025 11:45

Can't you just ask for "girl time", without being blunt if you don't want to ask outright.

Yes this. It gets across what you want without being rude.

But if she's not interested, YANBU to take a step back, you shouldn't have to spend time around a man who's making you uncomfortable.

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