To end friendship because I can't stand her husband?

[DefrostedAccount]

I have a mum friend who I get on with well, but I just cannot stand her husband. He makes me feel uncomfortable, makes my family feel uncomfortable, my friend who met him said she was uncomfortable around him. He's just so odd. Creepy almost. He's always there and I just always feel like I can't be myself. When I do spend time with her on her own it's lovely but it's not very often. I can't exactly say to her 'sorry I don't want to spend time with your DH, can we only spend time together just us', or can I? I know her well enough that that would go down like a lead balloon. Has anyone else had a similar scenario? Feel like cutting ties, and the kids are all in the same friendship group so could just limit it to hanging out with her at birthday parties and group events.... thoughts?

She isn’t your friend, she’s just a parent of your DCs friend.

If you want to spend time with her you need to ask her to come and see new Bridget Jones with you/go for coffee/lunch/yoga.

I cut ties with my cousin because her husband was so rude and just generally horrible to people. He thought it funny and witty to insult people. I asked my cousin why she put up with it and she confessed it was because of the money- he had a well paid job and indulged her. The last straw was when our uncle, a really lovely and kind man, invited us all round for dinner. Cousin's husband insulted the house and the area and it was so uncomfortable and so rude to my uncle that I decided enough was enough. We used to be good friends but I don't bother contacting her now and she doesn't contact me.

one of my friendships ended because the husband was an arsehole. She met him, it was very clear he was controlling and her whole personality changed. When I questioned it, she cut me off.
i was sad at first and worried for her but im actually so glad I don’t have to see him anymore or be drawn into the drama.
If you can’t see your friend without her husband, maybe distance yourself. Go with your gut.

Try to see her without the kids or husband so it’s not a play date where the husband can stand in for her.

Send her a text tonight and invite her to something just the two of you and see what happens. If she declines or cancels unless she has anxiety she just doesn’t seem to want to be friends and seems to see you as play date cover to get some time alone.

Oh I really feel for you. I have this with my sister's partner. I hardly ever see her now because of him . But I guess that's what he wanted!

My heart would sink too!
When I meet a friend at a park it’s to chat with them and have the kids play. Not see their husband !

If you invited her to meet for coffee surely she’d come alone then??

Invite her on something he’d hate - like a spa day?

Oh give over you fantasist. OP hasn’t said anything of the sort. In fact she doesn’t seem to be able to say anything about him that is creepy.

Maybe, but it doesn't make sense to make plans with a friend and then send your husband in your place!

Yes this really.

Your update that she sends him instead of coming herself changes things.

I wouldn't have that.

If you like her, but don't want to spend time with him and she often sends him instead of coming to play dates with kids, I would arrange to see her in the evening without the kids. He can look after them, you two can catch up.

No, you are right it is odd

He makes jokes that are inappropriate. He stares at me. He's walked in the room topless looking for things before. It's so hard to explain but he just has a way about him. My sister felt exactly the same and said he gave her the heebie jeebies.

Yes and he was doing it to isolate her, I always asked DH to come with me and he behaved differently (normally) when DH was there. Now they are getting divorced and she needs the support so glad I stuck around, but couldn't have done it without DH support.

I’ve had this a couple of times. First was years ago, a friend with a DC same age as mine, we spent a lot of time together and she let me and DC stay with her for a few weeks when I left my DH. She was a single parent.
Subsequently she met a married a guy she thought was wonderful, said he would do anything for anyone etc. Except he wasn’t. He was controlling and set out to isolate her, while sponging off her. I told her what I thought of him and that was the end of the friendship. They’re divorced now.
Second one is current. Lovely friend, much admired, successful professional woman on her third marriage. This husband is a predator. He tries every trick in the book to get me alone, he closes the door if we happen to be in a room together and gets between me and the way out. When they leave my house he always finds a reason to nip back so he’s alone with me. I know he’s a heartbeat away from making a move. Total creep. Every time now she tries to make arrangements for us to meet as couples I find an excuse to make it just her and I because he creeps me out.
I think always trust your gut feeling with people - men- like this.

I would avoid both of them to be honest. She doesn't sound like much for a friend and he sounds like an utter creep. Why on earth should you have to put up with him and give her some free time?

I think I'm the friend who has that husband.

Try to drop hints or just ask her out outright but don't drop the friendship...it's likely she needs you.

Oh I had a very similar situation about a year ago and it still kills me. Sorry for the long post it's quite nuanced but it's just so odd!

I met a mum at school who'd just moved here from Romania to live with her British DH and her own DD.. Get on like a house on fire (her English is perfect) and our DC were besties. Friends is about 7 months pregnant at this point. I also got on 'ok' with her DH but he gave me the absolute creeps and as a survivor of DV myself, I am as certain as I can be without witnessing something, that he's controlling & segregating her.

He works from home and she doesn't drive so any time we met up, bar once, he was with us.
Friend has her baby, so I naturally don't see her for a few weeks but I do get to meet baby once which was lovely.
Her DH does school drop offs so I'd have small talk with him in playground most mornings. He was always polite to me, no issues ....yet.....

This niggling feeling that something wasn't right just wouldn't go so eventually I pluck up the courage to ask her straight. I made all the prefaces like "I really hope I don't offend you in any way with this, I'm only asking out of concern" etc and asked if he was in any way controlling or abusive? She said no and reassured me that she wasn't offended and said she knows I'm only asking as I'm a good friend to her. So I dropped it out of respect for her.

A few months pass by, everything's normal. Chatting on WhatsApp, sharing each week's homework with whoever's DD forgot it, etc. However I still have only seen her once since baby arrived? Though I just assume it's due to having a new baby! I remember it well. Although we are now 3 months down the line and by her own admission, she hasn't left the house with the baby once? Not my business though so I just continue chatting to her, being as supportive as I can and everything seems the exact same as it ever was. She contacts me just as much as I do her. All normal. Until...

Suddenly, one Monday morning, her DH walks straight past me at drop off and looks at me as I say "Morning!" {like I do every day} and he blanks me.... I let it go, but then it happens every morning for a week so I ask her if he's ok "Yes, why?" I explain and she says "Oh he says he hasn't seen you?" So then I gently add that well, actually it's happened every morning this week but I didn't think much of it the first couple of times as we all have bad days, right?! But it doesn't matter, no big deal! and she said "Please don't turn this into something it's not" 🤨

So I figured they must just be struggling with a new baby or have something personal going on? Whatever it is, is not my business. She knew I was there for her. So I assumed that was the end of it.
Nope. The blanking continued and from that moment on, I've had nothing but hostility from any attempt I've made to try and contact her, let alone find out what their issue is with me. I've been deleted from her Facebook & I've only had 2/3 cursory conversations with her via text regarding the children eg: "Just a heads up, (my DD's name) has chicken pox" followed by one civil response from her. That sort of thing.
I'm gutted! She was a fab friend...

Well if you don't invite her to yours, then it's just going to keep happening.

@AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring he found out what you'd asked her. Either by reading her messages, or by secretly recording her at home, or by her actually telling him.

I'd be very concerned for her, and potentially think about discussing it with the school safeguarding team.

I have had this a couple of times. Once it had a happy ending. We'd arrange to meet up at the park, but he'd arrive instead. If she did come herself he'd invariably come along and join us. I loathed him.

Eventually I had to brace myself and tell her that when we were arranging playmates they were more for me than my kids, and I wanted to see her, not her husband. It had genuinely never occurred to her that anyone would prefer her company to her husband's. There's been times he'd come because he'd stated she needed to get housework done, or get a nap before her shift work. Anything to prevent her having a friend.

She said a couple of years later that was when she started to see that she might need to leave, and that he was preventing that in advance. She actually left when the police were called over suspected dv and they involved social services.

We've drifted over the years for other reasons (my own health issues). But she does have friends of her own now.

He he was genuinely not a nice person no I would not have her around I could not trust her judgement and there is no way this could no influence the way I was towards her so for both of sakes I would not be able to stay friends, but I also do not do 'girlie' stuff anyway so would probably be a good thing she could find other friends

The way I read this op @DefrostedAccount is that she doesn’t see you as a friend she sees meets up as a way for the kids to be friends, therefore it doesn’t matter what parent is there to supervise.

This.

Plenty more fish in the sea.

Trust your instincts x