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Original poster

To end friendship because I can't stand her husband?

104 replies

DefrostedAccount · 18/02/2025 11:33

I have a mum friend who I get on with well, but I just cannot stand her husband. He makes me feel uncomfortable, makes my family feel uncomfortable, my friend who met him said she was uncomfortable around him. He's just so odd. Creepy almost. He's always there and I just always feel like I can't be myself. When I do spend time with her on her own it's lovely but it's not very often. I can't exactly say to her 'sorry I don't want to spend time with your DH, can we only spend time together just us', or can I? I know her well enough that that would go down like a lead balloon. Has anyone else had a similar scenario? Feel like cutting ties, and the kids are all in the same friendship group so could just limit it to hanging out with her at birthday parties and group events.... thoughts?

OP posts:
discdiscsnap · 18/02/2025 13:47

So if you say fancy meeting for coffee he will turn up too? Even if you don't take your dh?

I'd probably have a word with her and say you prefer meet ups just the two of you so you can catch up. She might take offence but given your other option is dump her you have nothing to lose

Snoken · 18/02/2025 13:52

I don't think you have anything to lose by telling her. Either you stop hanging out with her because of her husband or you tell her how he makes you feel and there is a chance that she will understand and agree and you remain friends or she will take some sort of offence (probably due to embarrassment) and your friendship will end anyway. She might thank you down the line for validating what she already knew about her husband.

connachtgobragh · 18/02/2025 13:54

I have at least three very good women friends who I meet all the time in different places. I can't stand the sight of any of the husbands, overbearing, over opinionated, tight with money, a bit bossy of the children. So I keep meeting them for coffee, or walks, or a day trip, or a museum visit, etc. But it's always super clear that it's just us, the men never get included. It's never been a problem.

Coffeeishot · 18/02/2025 13:57

I don't particularly like my friends husband he's just weird, I knew her before they got together, I pretend to like him we have gone out as couples and it was OK not great but fine,I see her on her own mostly out somewhere or we go to things together.

See her on her own you don't have to go to her house if he's there keep in touch if you like her, you don't have to associate with him.

Needtofixmyageingskin · 18/02/2025 14:02

changedusernameforthis1 · 18/02/2025 12:02

Yes, I had this a few years ago. A friend was dating a much older man, old enough to be her Dad. That in itself didn't bother me that much, until she confessed that they started dating when she was 15 AND he knew her from her being a baby as he was her parents friend 🤢

He had a really creepy vibe to him and she wouldn't go anywhere without him. He'd come over with her and just stare at you, but not look away when you caught him.

Then when DD was about 3, me and DW were on a video chat to them and DD came downstairs to say she'd had a bad dream. He asked to see her as she was away from the camera and I said "Sorry not right now, she's been sleeping in her underwear" and he replied with "That's fine, she's just 3. Not like she's a woman yet."
I was really creeped out and took her back to bed, and when I came down DW said they ended the video chat because I'd "hurt his feelings".
Friendship ended a few days later.

Gosh how creepy.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 18/02/2025 14:09

If I was meeting a friend with DC and my DH wasn't coming and I wouldn't expect my friend to bring their DH. Similarly if they were coming to our house I'd expect them not to bring their DH unless mine was going to be home.

Can you just say, I wasn't going to bring DH and was thinking maybe just you and I could catch up with the DC? It changed the dynamics of one of us brings our husband. If the friendship wanes so be it.

I know someone like this, they are not a close friend.

Queenanne20 · 18/02/2025 14:11

I had a friend who I got along really well with. However, her dh was horrible, moody, very sarcastic (according to him, he was witty) and neither me nor dh could stand him. We used to go out as a foursome but it was so awful sitting there whilst he belittled her that we couldn't take it any more. After making excuses a few times about why the four of us couldn't meet up, I'd had enough and asked her if just the two of us could meet up in future. I made some excuse about how we could have a really good chat, do what we wanted etc without the men being there. Surprisingly, she immediately agreed and 15 years later we still meet up regularly, just the two of us. I always politely ask about her dh but never suggest him accompanying her and she never asks. He probably felt the same about me and dh as we were so very different to him. I think she knows what he's like as she tells me about people he doesn't get along with and apparently she couldn't stand him when they first met. I'm so glad we kept our friendship, after all, it was just her that I got on so well with in the first place.

AviationGeek · 18/02/2025 14:29

One of my friend's married a creepy bloke. He was really gaunt and his skin was grey. I was a concerned that he was seriously ill and they just hadn't told anyone. No, that was just his normal self.

I stayed with them once and he was always looking at me and made those 'MMmmm' sex noises when he was eating. There was no TV or music on that might disguise it. I endured this gross sound track that sounded like a 70s porn film. Grim 😳

ItGhoul · 18/02/2025 14:32

When you say he’s ’always there’ do you mean that he’s always there at her house? Or do you mean that if you called her up and said ‘Do you fancy meeting up for lunch on Wednesday?’ or ‘Shall we meet for a quick drink after work next week?’ he would automatically come with her?

Quitelikeit · 18/02/2025 14:33

In what world is a husband always present?

Does he not work? Do you only visit when he’s home? Does he tag along to coffees?

Do none of you work?

Cattery · 18/02/2025 14:47

Many years ago a friend divorced her husband with whom she had two small children and married a control freak. He isolated her from her friends, nailed the kids soft toys to their bedroom walls and ended up kidnapping her parents. I told her before all this happened that there was something about him I didn’t like but she dug her heels in. They finally divorced after he ran out of the house pissed with her baby and sped off in the car with him. There’s none so blind as those that don’t want to see.

researchers3 · 18/02/2025 14:48

Yeah, i have a friend (not close) whose husband i cannot bear. He's a creep and I've heard very unpleasant things. He doesn't treat her very well imo- it's hard to see/hear.

WigglyVonWaggly · 18/02/2025 14:49

I’ve never had a friendship with a friend’s partner is always hanging around like a spare wheel. Doesn’t he understand the concept of giving her space? Privacy? Time with her friends who don’t want to entertain him as well? He sounds weird. I just wouldn’t meet where he’ll be there. If he’s tagging along to neutral venues (eg not just appearing at home where he’s entitled to be) then I’d actually have words with the friend and also with him along the lines of ‘we’d like to have some time together as friends. Can you busy yourself?’

vikingnorthutsiresouthutsire · 18/02/2025 14:50

@purplecorkheart That is so intrusive! I would have had to say something if anyone was butting in during a personal service, let alone a creepy man!

vikingnorthutsiresouthutsire · 18/02/2025 15:00

I have a friend whose husband was openly hostile to her friends, very condescending and superior. They married after university and have been together nearly 40 years now.
I strongly suspect he was instrumental in her not going back to work after a serious illness, and looking back, I think she would have been better off going back at least part time as she has quite a meagre pension now.
I kept in touch with her over the years, would meet up, always without him. From the very little she said about him he seems to be controlling (in charge of the finances, texting constantly when she met up with me).
I'm glad I kept in touch. Recently she has opened up a bit and it's not good. He's dismissive of her disability that developed some years ago, and can't seem to understand that a chronic condition cannot be magically cured. She said to me earlier this year that she really appreciates my friendship - I'm the only one from our student days who has kept in touch.

Coffeeishot · 18/02/2025 15:04

Cattery · 18/02/2025 14:47

Many years ago a friend divorced her husband with whom she had two small children and married a control freak. He isolated her from her friends, nailed the kids soft toys to their bedroom walls and ended up kidnapping her parents. I told her before all this happened that there was something about him I didn’t like but she dug her heels in. They finally divorced after he ran out of the house pissed with her baby and sped off in the car with him. There’s none so blind as those that don’t want to see.

WHAT !

coxesorangepippin · 18/02/2025 15:05

Just meet up with her alone

If he's there, make excuses and leave

Cattery · 18/02/2025 15:05

@Coffeeishot Yep. Deeply odd bloke

Original poster
DefrostedAccount · 18/02/2025 15:34

To answer a few questions, I don't think he's controlling. I think they just lead very chaotic lifestyle. She works full time, he is unemployed on PIP. He does the bulk of childcare. He's the sort of guy who would do anything for anyone, but he's just really strange. I think my friend is so enmeshed with him that they see each other as one person. It was last week that I finally had enough when I arranged to meet her at the park with the kids, was looking forward to it, and he randomly turned up without her and my heart just sank. I text to ask if she was coming and she messaged saying she had work to catch up on but hopes we have a lovely time, then found out she had gone out to Aldi when Idropped the bikes back. I think she was probably happy to have time on her own! If we plan to go to the park with the kids he always comes. If I ask her if she's free on a certain date, if she's not free I will just get a random text from her husband saying he will be bringing them instead. The more I type the more I realise she probably just doesn't actually want to spend time with me, but when we do it's lovely. Just a weird one all round.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 18/02/2025 16:32

lol that is weird sending him on a play date in her place

Original poster
DefrostedAccount · 18/02/2025 16:52

Quitelikeit · 18/02/2025 16:32

lol that is weird sending him on a play date in her place

It's not just me is it? I wouldn't mind that much if I liked him. I do have friends who are couples where I genuinely wouldn't understand which turned up, as I'm friends with them both. They just happen NOT to be in that group.

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 18/02/2025 16:54

If he's the.default .parent he's more of a stay at home dad it probably just makes sense to them for him to come along or drop them off, sounds tricky though.

Pelot · 18/02/2025 16:54

She seems to think the primary relationship is between the kids so it doesn't matter which adult brings them. Do you ever do things in the evening without the kids?

Coffeeishot · 18/02/2025 16:56

Do you want to be friends with her or get on with her for kids ? If you want to be her friend do stuff without the children and see how it goes.

PassingStranger · 18/02/2025 16:59

I dont understand this. You don't have to spend time with her husband.
She is your friend, not him.
Just see her without him.