People who never ask about others.

[Pumpkincozynights]

After reading another thread I thought I’d post this.
Dh has a relative he is close to. We see this relative at least once a month sometimes more dependant on their working pattern and our work commitments.
They have had their problems in the past ( haven’t we all.)
Anyway, after last seeing them I’ve realised that they never ask about my family, and when another person asked me about one of my adult dc, they actively looked disinterested and started talking to someone else. I get that but isn’t it a bit rude?
For background: I have initiated conversation about their adult dc, asked after them, how are they doing, when will you be seeing them? How is work going, their plans etc and shown an interest. I asked about another family member on their side, showed interest, asked if they enjoyed going to this persons wedding etc etc. all things I would consider polite.
I have young adult dcs and one of them recently moved to a different country via work and I will be visiting them this year. As soon as another person asked how my travel plans were going dh’s relative turned their head away and began a conversation with someone else. I find it rude.
Thinking about it they don’t ask how any of my family are. We normally get on, no background drama. They didn’t ask how my elderly mum was even though they knew I had just come back from seeing my mum.
In fact they didn’t ask anything at all as to how I am or how any of my family are.
It just struck me as rude.
Other people present all asked each other how they are and how their family members are. I include myself in this.
Is this normal?

It's do frustrating - but some people are like this. I have siblings who literally don't ask about you including at times they've been told a parent is in hospital, someone's ill etc. They also tell me about their kids but don't ask about mine. I now don't wait to be asked - just speak about us / myself as if they returned my question.

Did he ask other people about their lives or is it just you?

What kind of thing does your DH's relative talk about? Might they be one of those people who is rubbish at small talk and just gets straight to the point?

I would imagine they genuinely aren't interested in hearing about your adult DC or your mum, and either don't know how to feign polite interest, or think it's pointless to do so just for the sake of politeness.

It's probably a case of accepting them as they are, or spending less time with them - you can't force someone to be interested in specific conversational topics.

Unfortunately they just don’t find you relevant enough or like you enough to be interested or politely pretend.

I often have no interest in how people I don't know are doing, and if I know their family member, and want to know how they are, I'd ask their family member myself.

I don't see how it's polite to ask, or for people to ask me. I think asking is rude and nosy. And i'm no ones messenger. I am embarrassed for people when they pretend to be interested in the lives of my family members who they don't know.

Or to be honest, even the ones they do know. Ask them yourself if you want to know how they are?

That said, I understand it's a social norm that people get unreasonably upset about people not doing those, so when I have to I'll go through the motions of it.

So with this person you know, I don't find it at all unusual if he doesn't ask. I also don't consider it rude, or agree that it's rude, but do accept lots of other people think it's rude - inexplicably, but they do.

I think my question would be, is he just this way with you and your family, or with everyone?

If its with everyone I think you'll just have to accept he's not going to play along with what you think others should do. If it's just with you, maybe he just has a problem with you.

I once read that there was askers and tellers in life, im an asker as well op, i think its rude also not to ask/take an interest. Tellers will just talk about themselves, thats their interest, they dont think its rude not to ask because their not interested really, and you'd just tell them without having to be asked, like them 🙄 bizarre.

Another conversion which struck me, from a long time ago.
We were at a wedding reception and this relative said to me,’ So you aren’t going on holiday this year then.’ I started to reply saying yes we are and gave the name of the uk town we would be staying in for a short break. Mid flow they then replied, ‘ No, I meant abroad, you aren’t going abroad this year.’ To which I replied well actually we are going to X country later on in the year. We will be staying at several locations including A B & C. We just hadn’t told many people. Their face actually fell, as if they were upset we would be going to this beautiful country. They didn’t ask anything whatsoever ever. This was straight after telling me that their child had got engaged and would be getting married abroad but having a small wedding ( fair enough) and then telling me exactly who would be invited.
With regards to if they ask about other people. They kind of do but only in a gossipy way if that makes sense. They will join in conversations if it involves things like, yes I remember Sue, didn’t her ex run off with the babysitter.
They talk about their own side of the family, but then never ask about mine.

My BiL is like that too, but I know it’s not personal, he’s just weird. The minute we are through the door and before we have our coats off he’ll bend our ear with minute details of his hobbies (cars and bikes) like various dramas about an oil change etc. or tell us at length about the life of his (online) friends that we have never met and never will, but he never ever thinks of asking us how we are. 😂

It drives my DH mad but I don’t really care.

Occasionally DH complains about it to his DM and so next time we see BIL he will make the effort of saying “how are you?” but then really struggle to show any interest in the answer. 😂

My brother is like this and I've made the assumption he's just not interested. I don't bother asking him now anything either, we don't have much conversation! I always used to be the one keeping the conversation going but I find it draining and of no benefit to me so I don't bother anymore.

I'm prepared to be shot down but I find it's us women that are expected to ask and remember and make conversation, often men just happy to stand there talking about themselves, so self centred and boring.

Yes I get it but it isn’t as though I’m constantly talking about my family, I don’t. By the way everyone in the group we are in knows all our DCs, they have met them.
The relative is female btw, interesting how people assumed they were male. They did keep asking about one of my dc when they knew they had split up from their partner. This was whilst telling me about their child being loved up and telling me about how much her future son in law earns and how rich his family is. Now my dc has progressed enormously in their career and gotten over the break up they never ask about them.
I won’t stop seeing them but I will stop asking about their family.

Some people are consumed by their own lives it can be an nd trait, I have a friend with adhd who's so busy talking she often forgets to listen. My son who is autistic never thinks to ask after others. It can also happen when people are struggling with mental health, their issues become all consuming and they struggle to see beyond. And yes there are some people who are just self involved.

I would just have minimal conversation and expect nothing. This person isn't your friend you dont have to have a meaningful relationship with them

This. You can’t compel someone else to live by your rules of social politeness. This person isn’t interested, and is equally uninterested in pretending for the sake of politeness. You either accept that, or stop seeing them. Do you even like this person? It’s not clear.

This person is clearly jealous of you. Your wedding anecdote demonstrates this. If her face actually ‘fell’ when she heard you were going somewhere nice abroad, she's jealous. She’s interested when things are going badly for you as that pleases her, but clearly irked when things are going well and you’re describing positive things about your life.

Her behaviour is frustrating and rude, but I would just try not to let her get to you, accepting that she is clearly not a happy and fulfilled person if she is so jealous and resentful of you and the life you lead.

i would reduce contact as much as possible because people like this are so wearisome and a drain on your self-confidence if you allow them to be. I realise however that this may not be possible, particularly if this person is your husband’s sister or cousin where you can’t help having to meet her
on a regular basis.

Really rude and all too common these days that people talk about themselves too much, dont ask questions of others and interrupt you so you cant finish a sentence. I absolutely hate it and avoid people who do this. I choose to spend as little time as possible with people who do this. I have lovely friends who are self aware enough to make sure that there is some balance of conversation, even though it will vary according to life events etc.

To be honest I think that those who ask about family members are often just being nosy and want to gossip, and can be quite intrusive really when others want to keep their health issues or other problems private. It's not necessarily a polite thing to be asking after others, and when people do it in a superficial way so it's not too probing, it becomes nothing more than an obligatory exchange with an automatic reply so it's a bit pointless when no real information is given. If you want to share information about your family then there's no need to wait to be asked. You can raise the topic yourself.

Have you seen that episode of Here We Go where the main joke is the brother in law who never asks a question?

Why do you need to keep seeing them? They sound rather spiteful if they only ask about your family if they know things aren't going well for them. It's DH's relative so he can visit them on his own.

My sister is a shocker for this although her personal highlights include telling me she doesn't want to talk about my kids.

We're NC now and it is a great relief to me.

My sil is like this, but she’s horrible in the first place. As in truly horrible, an angry abusive, shouty, woman. I try to be nice for family harmony, if I ask her on text for example how she is, she will tell me, never once has she said and how are you/husband/child. Never once, after decades. It’s the same when we see her. Or if we call, she will talk about herself, then either hand the call over or end the call. Absolutely no interest. Doesn’t wish to know. Not even pretend, for politeness sake.

I actually think she knows she is doing it and gets some form of perverse pleasure from it.

Some people are just rude like that. They don't even realise they're doing it. I have a work colleague like this
The usual Hi x, you alright? Usually reply would be yeah good thanks, you?
This persons reply yes thanks. or well no because this cold is back ....blah blah
Never thinks to ask the same question in return

My FIL is like this , my dh told him the other day we were going away for a few days and could he pls have the dog , he never asked where we were going or anything . A year or so ago I bought a second car and he never asked where we bought it from , nothing but we got a big long story about his cars MOT. Some people are just like this and I dont think they will change

I know (via her passive aggression and snide remarks) that one of my siblings feels this way about me (ie that I don't show enough interest in her).
In theory, she's considerate and caring (she asks how you are). In practice, she's selfish, vindictive, two faced and wouldn't give you the steam off her pish.

Yep, my brother is like this. He occasionally remembers, but then struggles to ask any followup questions and will often then just change subjects back to his interests halfway through your answer.
I often struggle with social norms (like, i don't understand why you would make a fuss over not being invited to someone's wedding, as i think the making a fuss over not being invited is rude, not the lack of invite) but I will admit that I do get PP perspective of 'it's rude to ask questions' but i don't understand from a purely mechanical standpoint how you then find common ground with someone you don't know that well - i don't see how conversations flow if noone ever asks any questions. But then is it also because I avoid talking about things like politics with people I don't know well? Lots to think about. I'm still learning, honestly.

Well, presumably your FIL was chiefly concerned with looking after your dog! I mean, the guy was doing you a favour, so I think it’s a bit much to criticise him for not expressing a flattering interest in where you’re going too!

And personally I can’t imagine anything duller than where someone bought a car.

Some people are just ... like this. Either completely self centred or totally lacking in curiosity about anything outside their own little bubble. Though a poster upthread made a very interesting observation that sometimes the person can't be bothered with you as they consider you "irrelevant" ie you have inferior social currency compared to them and therefore they put you in the "audience" role. So rude!

I did an evening diploma at college over a couple of years and there was a woman in a group of us who usually sat together. Both our trains arrived quite a while before class so we'd sit in the common room together. But she would ask/raise absolutely nothing. I don't think she was shy. I'd ask about her week at work, family, recent holiday etc and she'd happily chat away. Then when she finished - silence - until I raised the next topic. Week after week. Eventually I ran out of steam (and started to feel annoyed) so I'd smile and say hello and wait for her to start a conversation. Waited and waited ... she never did. I did wonder if she didn't actually like me so I gave her an "out" by sitting somewhere else but she always come and find me, say hello and sit down. It was so strange.

At the other extreme, there's a woman at my gym who always seeks me out after class and starts a monologue of what she's been doing, trip to London, her holiday, new grandson etc. I don't mind it too much because she's actually quite interesting and her delivery is entertaining. But she Never. Shuts. Her. Trap. I'm surprised she actually knows my name because she must have paused momentarily to find out what it was at some point. And I'm amazed she has managed to acquire so much knowledge because she must have stopped talking for long enough to take it in! A couple of times she has asked me a question and then answered it herself before I could get my gob open. Baffling.