People who never ask about others.

[Pumpkincozynights]

After reading another thread I thought I’d post this.
Dh has a relative he is close to. We see this relative at least once a month sometimes more dependant on their working pattern and our work commitments.
They have had their problems in the past ( haven’t we all.)
Anyway, after last seeing them I’ve realised that they never ask about my family, and when another person asked me about one of my adult dc, they actively looked disinterested and started talking to someone else. I get that but isn’t it a bit rude?
For background: I have initiated conversation about their adult dc, asked after them, how are they doing, when will you be seeing them? How is work going, their plans etc and shown an interest. I asked about another family member on their side, showed interest, asked if they enjoyed going to this persons wedding etc etc. all things I would consider polite.
I have young adult dcs and one of them recently moved to a different country via work and I will be visiting them this year. As soon as another person asked how my travel plans were going dh’s relative turned their head away and began a conversation with someone else. I find it rude.
Thinking about it they don’t ask how any of my family are. We normally get on, no background drama. They didn’t ask how my elderly mum was even though they knew I had just come back from seeing my mum.
In fact they didn’t ask anything at all as to how I am or how any of my family are.
It just struck me as rude.
Other people present all asked each other how they are and how their family members are. I include myself in this.
Is this normal?

I think the most revealing thing is their reaction to your good news - face falling, never asking again.

I know a few people who don't really ask after anything in your life and it is all about them or if they do ask it become very obvious it was just a lead in to something they wanted to say. They are not all selfish though (although I think most are!) - one in particular really does have a heart of gold (know her for many decades) and will be genuinely pleased for you when good stuff happens.

I've got a relative who does the face falling/never asking again about good stuff. They do ask questions though - it all feels very formulaic and not genuine, like they are harvesting for gossip and/or putting on a fake persona. They have shown many times behind the fake niceness they are very selfish and manipulative. Yellow rock all the way with that one now!

@Pumpkincozynights

I feel your confusion, I have just written something very similar, although I haven’t (to my face) experienced the bitchiness you have. In your case, this person seems to be competing with you despite your intention being the art of conversation and showing a genuine interest in them.

This woman’s comparison making could indicate envy towards you and it might be that she’s threatened by you.

Here’s my theory.

Interesting people are interested.
To be generous with our time, compliments and a genuine listening ear allows others to feel that we welcome and value them. That’s a good building block for meaningful relationships. Some seize a perceived opportunity to assert dominance over another. I think this type of reaction comes from a place of insecurity and fear. They feel threatened by your strength to be vulnerable and open hearted.

In my case, my in-laws haven’t shown a nasty side. Instead they have shown an ignorant, and lazy outlook. They show no interest, make no effort, decline invitations, offer no invitations,ask no questions and generally talk about themselves, in particularly their woes. They complain that nobody visits them, though my Husband and I do visit them monthly and invite them to do’s, initiate family gatherings etc. They’re no shrinking violets and have very strong, often sexist and racist opinions. Their self inflicted loneliness and habitual negativity is sad to witness. You can lead a horse to water…

Your ‘they have their problems (don’t we all)’ struck me that you perhaps have a similar but different problem- you want everything to be a certain way in a conversation/ possibly at an extreme you want to make it all about you!!!

Nowadays people are labelled as rude if they don’t conform to a certain conversational manner- I ask about x, you ask about y. It’s a different place from old style conversation where people asked about your family, talked about the weather then moved onto the next person in the room or the like. There is no one way to chat to someone, if you don’t like conversing with them smile, wave and move on!!!

I have been to a few social events recently and noticed the same, I've had one-way conversations with so many people I've given up. It's exhausting. I am genuinely interested in other people's lives, their families, their hobbies, their work. And people are happy to tell me everything about them. But do they ever reciprocate the conversation, no! It's so rude! People are so selfish absorbed, it's all me, me, me!

I also had a friend recently admit that she hates small talk, now I am reluctant to have a conversation with her because i know it'll be forced. Looking back, it was always me that asked how are you, what have you been up to, have you got any plans etc, it was never reciprocated. We have known each other 30+ years. I haven't spoken to her since but also don't want to lose all the years of friendship

Some people genuinely aren't interested and don't worry whether you like them or not.
Some don't or can't do chit chat.
If you meet this person regularly, it might not be
a choice, but a habit related matter.
So many reasons!

We are social beings, how can you not be interested in other people?

I have a friend like this. She is genuinely a lovely person who would do anything for you but she just doesn't think to ask about anyone else's life. She will talk for ages about her latest drama but simply doesn't think to ask anyone about themselves.

Some people are inherently selfish. I have a sibling like this. They knew they were the only person I told about investigations for cancer and they never asked anything since. I have a parent that knows I went through rounds of IVF and surgery and they didn't ever ask how it went or how I was coping. My child was in a serious accident and neither followed up asking how they were doing. My sibling in particular never asks about anything or anyone and only ever thinks of themselves. Due to how one of my parents treats me, I've taken on the feelings of everyone and care too much and give and do too much for others.

Some people are takers and loners, even when they aren't outright offensive or haven't done anything wrong, they have no interest in others. It's sad but I think it's easiest to accept them for what they are and then you won't waste your effort, heart or time on them.

I have several friends like this and I'd love to ask them 'why don't you ever ask about me?' but I'm too shy and nervous of what the reaction might be. I've come to the conclusion that I am a massive people pleaser. But I am also genuinely interested in other people, perhaps why I work in psychology.

Well they just sound like an asshat. Pay them no heed.

Many people, IME, have poor social skills and don't understand the give and take of a good conversation. Many people are poor conversationalists and consider droning on about themselves/their lives/their jobs/their DC to be 'having a conversation', as opposed to what it is, which is a boring and self-centred monologue!

I'm recently semi retired and have noticed this as an older female - not with family but with older men. I was at an event when a single older man sat next to me, being polite I started a conversation with him. Soon, I knew where he lived, how long he had lived there, his DD was pregnant, his DDs profession, where she lived, his recent holiday, the cost of his apt, his old job and when he was next on holiday. I waited for for him to ask about me - he didn't so I sat in deliberate silence. When the event finished I went over to him and said ' really nice to meet you Geoff' and waited, he said 'yes, lovely to meet you ......and then realised he didn't know my name. In fact he knew absolutely nothing about me.

@Fluffyholeysocks
That reminds me when I first met one of my brother in laws. I said “It was lovely to meet you” to which he replied “thank you”. 😂

Agree some people like to talk about themselves.

But there is another group who see themselves as “private” people and guard even the most basic data which allows a conversation to take place. They ask nothing about you because they are aware of reciprocation. Generally, they feel better about themselves they more they know about you, and the less you know about them. They actually despise you for giving up any information (e.g. do you know the bride or the groom? How rude- that’s private!)

My own DM is like this. She will talk on and on about people I don't know, discuss their social life / arrangements with DF in front of me but never ask how I am or for anything beyond surface level anyway. Eg she might ask how work is going but not for more details on anything, no follow up questions on things I've said etc. it's like she isn't bothered about my life and doesn't see the need to feign interest. I do ask / comment about her friends, health, hobbies , holidays etc but get very little in return. I think if you try to explain to people like this why the lack of interest bothers you they won't see the problem. After all, she asked how work is going so she's done what's 'expected' in not sitting in silence....

She also doesn't ask about other people beyond surface level questions. Eg, MIL has dementia and it's getting quite bad but DM doesn't ask about that and how we are coping. I think she just lacks the awareness that other people might have worries, stresses, even just normal things they want to talk about and that talking about that stuff is what builds and maintains relationships.

She doesn't get that I want her to want to know about my life. If she's not interested enough to ask, she won't know. We aren't that close as a result.

My parents in law are like this.
It's maddening.

OP, you are obviously trying to lead posters to say that said relative is jealous of you and enjoys hearing about your misfortune. If that's what you think then fine, you might be right. Maybe not, who knows? Not sure what you want from this thread.

@owlexpress

Perhaps a friendly discussion?
To connect with others through shared experience?

Im not sure what you want from your post.
A row?
To insult?
To feel included?
To minimise others to make yourself feel important?

Maybe not. Who knows.

I did 9 month’s volunteering with a group of women who were all tellers. I left knowing their lives inside out. They knew my name and address and that I had children. They never asked anything about me after the first meeting!

I never just blurt out sentences about myself so I found it fascinating to watch them all doing it to each other and never having actual conversations.

I can no longer be bothered with people like that. I realise now, in my advanced age, that I have given too much of my time to people like this. And there are so many of them who find themselves so completely fascinating. There has to be a total lack of empathy to be like this.

People are strange, consumed with themselves. I had a relative who used to use me as a therapy session. She'd moan & cry for an hour or more about her woes etc... After listening to her, she finally asked me how I was. For the first & only time, instead of the polite "I'm good thanks", I told her the truth. I said "I'm really struggling at the moment". She could not get off the phone fast enough! I stopped calling her after that.

I am like this. Don't get me wrong, I'm interested in other people, and like hearing about someone's work, hobbies, and life, but I would never ask after your family. I always find it bizarre when people do. My MIL keeps asking after my brothers and my granny, even though she has only met them a few times. I answer politely but I just... don't find it in any way pleasant to talk about other people when they're not there, not the mundane stuff, like what job they're doing now, and where they went on holiday (boring), and not the "deep" stuff, because it feels like gossiping.

I'm not great with the small talk, I suppose, although I'm happy to chat about sports and music and such. With friends I often prefer talking about politics, history, culture. Doesn't mean I'm selfish or don't care about people.

I’m like this. I’ll ask a couple of basics to be polite but, to be honest, I’m not REALLY that interested in the minutiae of the lives of people I rarely see. Apart from four or five good friends (and my own close family) I’m not a people person.

This is probably me a bit.

I don't find the minutia of peoples lives interesting. Holidays, kids, what X said about Y, who you bumped into last week. It puts me to sleep. And I'm not saying other peoples lives are boring, I'm equally uninterested in talking about my own life as well, and I certainly don't find that boring.

I'm much more interested in having a conversation about something specific. Politics, sport, films, history, science, whether you wash your legs or not in the shower (one that came up in work the other day).

Luckily I've found a friend group that are all pretty similar. We do the "How are the kids", "Going anywhere nice" bit, but its out of a sense of social nicety. We get it out of the way in the first 5 minutes and then spend the next 4 hours talking bollocks.

DP is very different to me, and likes to talk about her day at length. And I listen, because its important to her and I love her, but then she asks me how work was and I say "Yeah fine" and then start banging on about some obscure bit of history I heard about in a podcast this morning. And she listens because its important to me and she loves me.

The exception to all of the above is problems. Me and my friends will all happily support each other if somethings wrong. My best friend has been going through a horrible divorce and custody battle over the past year, and so we've all been there for her. Sometimes that means listening to her vent, sometimes that means trying to problem solve an issue, and sometimes that means taking her mind off it and talking about Star Trek.