People who never ask about others.

[Pumpkincozynights]

After reading another thread I thought I’d post this.
Dh has a relative he is close to. We see this relative at least once a month sometimes more dependant on their working pattern and our work commitments.
They have had their problems in the past ( haven’t we all.)
Anyway, after last seeing them I’ve realised that they never ask about my family, and when another person asked me about one of my adult dc, they actively looked disinterested and started talking to someone else. I get that but isn’t it a bit rude?
For background: I have initiated conversation about their adult dc, asked after them, how are they doing, when will you be seeing them? How is work going, their plans etc and shown an interest. I asked about another family member on their side, showed interest, asked if they enjoyed going to this persons wedding etc etc. all things I would consider polite.
I have young adult dcs and one of them recently moved to a different country via work and I will be visiting them this year. As soon as another person asked how my travel plans were going dh’s relative turned their head away and began a conversation with someone else. I find it rude.
Thinking about it they don’t ask how any of my family are. We normally get on, no background drama. They didn’t ask how my elderly mum was even though they knew I had just come back from seeing my mum.
In fact they didn’t ask anything at all as to how I am or how any of my family are.
It just struck me as rude.
Other people present all asked each other how they are and how their family members are. I include myself in this.
Is this normal?

I’m like your friend. If you want to text her just say “Fancy meeting up on Friday?” without all the polite script. Then do your catching up in person, where it comes more naturally.

It does strike me as strange. We do get on and I’m not aware of them disliking me. They have never said anything bad about me to anyone, not that I’m aware of and trust me, it would get back to me as some of dh’s relatives are like that.
It just hit a nerve as there were 3 of us sat together, other people in our group sat further away and it was the third person who started asking specifically about my dc.
Trust me I know how boring it can be to listen to other people talk about their family and pets. She did used to talk a lot more about family so she really doesn’t mind sharing details when it suits her. I don’t know.
I then asked the third person how things were going with her and her relatively new chap and dh’s relative didn’t say a single word or nod in agreement or make any acknowledgement about that either. This was noticeable because they too get on and the week or so before the two of them were deep in conversation at one point.
Anyway, it was just an observation. All I can do is ask if they are ok and leave it at that.

I agree with this.
The funny thing is that the teller’s aren’t interested in you but obviously think you will be interested in everything they do. I think they are just self absorbed and full of themselves.

Yes, rude. If the relative is turning their head away in disinterest - even ruder. I would have to avoid them because they are rude!

My MIL is like this. She is a lovely woman but will go on and on about random people in the town I have never met in minute detail but never ask me or DH a single question about our lives. It fascinates me that she is so interested in them but so disinterested in us!

She just sounds very competitive and shallow.

My ex h was like this. Deeply boring man with no social skills as it turned out. Funnily enough he could feign interest in random people, people at work, blah blah. And he could resurrect intricate stories about John's neighbour's cousin's budgie's latest vet visit, their favourite biscuit, their opinion about the colour purple etc.... but couldn't be arsed to remember big/basic details about his supposed close family.

Some of them do it on purpose to keep you in your place. Mine was certainly absorbing everything we said and filing it away somewhere, and just doing this weird disinterested act to maintain some sort of warped superiority in his own deeply insecure mind. Better off without!

Not necessarily. It's different conversational styles and ways of relating, no? Some people share anecdotes/experiences etc back and forth, others do a question and answer type conversation. When you mix the two groups it can be difficult and bewildering for both parties!

She suffers from main-character syndrome. It's all about her. Why should she wonder how the walk-on parts are doing? If she sees an extra who seems to be a rising star, she'll feel angry and jealous, and will try to thwart them. To make herself feel better she'll mention all the ways in which her own star is ascending.

I think that ‘tellers’ enjoy telling, and assume that other people will naturally do what they they enjoy, too — so, by this logic, the ‘asker’/‘listener’, by asking questions to prompt the telling, is demonstrating a genuine interest, and, the teller presumes, enjoying themselves. If they weren’t enjoying the telling, they would, the teller thinks, not ask questions, but would ‘tell’ themselves, because why would you ask to be told if you didn’t enjoy being told? .

They’re operating according to different rules, whereby everyone does what they prefer, and you just wouldn’t do what you didn't like ie, you wouldn’t ask questions unless you genuinely wanted to be told the answers.

They don’t recognise a social protocol by which there’s an implicit understanding that one person makes polite enquiries in the expectation of being asked them in turn.

(This is my father, by the way. I don’t think he has ever asked me a question about my life in my 52 years. If I want him to know something I just tell him, unprompted. In return he will deliver monologues on a change to his pension, or how, having decided he would not be returning to London after I left, he managed to have the balance on his Oyster card refunded, after several long international phone calls with probably baffled TfL staff…😀)

There are two women in our family like this, they are both pretty self-absorbed. I assume they don’t mean anything by it, it seems to just not occur to them to be interested in anyone but themselves.

This is so true. I know someone (relative of partner) who knows absolutely nothing about me because he never asks. I feel I know plenty about him because he steers the conversation round to his own stuff all the time. It's kind of amusing when you realise. I make a game of it and throw random bits of stuff into a conversation to see if he'll actually ask about it.

I’m surprised by so many people defending the tellers and saying the askers are nosey. Surely having a conversation should be a two way thing. It’s just decent social skills and sadly many people have shite ones.

@Serpenting he said no to looking after the dog so that discussion was over very quickly 😂 and he likes to talk about cars 🤷‍♀️

I know just what you mean. If I have to deal with people like this, I always say oh DC are fine, thanks for asking. Sometimes they get embarrassed which I love ☺️

My BIL and SIL x 2 are like this. I know everything about their kids, jobs and lives but they never ask about my life. It used to bother me but now I shrug it off. They are nice enough people, just self obsessed

Yeah, Ive know loads of people like this it so bad after you ask them about themselves their family and they finish talking there’s a long weird silence which should be filled by them asking reciprocal questions, just a blank silence. I don’t bother with people like that for long.

I am like this, my brother, my dad, my daughter and we’re all ND.

It’s not that we’re not bothered it’s just that we don’t ask. I always simply forget. Out of sight out of mind kinda thing.

I am interested but you need to tell me about it first.

I don't really ask about people I don't know. I've never asked how friends' family members are unless I actually know them, or there's reason to think they might not be well (eg illness). I've never told them how mine are doing either, unless it's particularly interesting or relevant to the topic at hand. People you don't know are just not an interesting subject of conversation!

I don't think I have ever asked any of my relatives partners how their mother is or any other family member of theirs.
Also no one has ever asked me how my mother is.
It seems like such a bizarre thing to do

As my comment above says, I’m ND and we tend not to get these social niceties so please consider that MAY be the case.

my mother in law has never asked me a question about me or my life. I think she's a bit simple tbh. she asked her son (my husband) so little about himself that when he worked for an investment bank she thought he worked in a bureau de change 🤣 amazing. I have no idea how some people get dressed in the morning.

It is rude and very frustrating but you can't change the way people are. Changing your caring approach would not do anything to alter theirs. Just be grateful that you are as you are and have presumably encouraged your children to deal with others in the same way.

I voted YABU because they don’t have to be interested in your adult children or family. They should show some interest in you though.
I’m not sure, I might be a bit similar to this person. I zone out when people start talking about other people that I’m not close to. I hate gossip and I simply don’t enjoy talking about other people’s lives. I am interested in my friends, but I want to hear from people firsthand how they’re doing.

@Agix I wonder what conversations wifh you are like? Do you have many friends? Do you lnow much about them? How did you get to know them and them you?
What donyou generally like talking about with people?