Not sure how to deal with terminally ill MIL

[Asvan]

Hi all,

I have known MIL since I married DH 15 years ago. From day 1 she did everything to make my life hell. She is a narcissist and very manipulative and she enjoyed causing trouble between me and DH. She never made any effort with my DC and is just generally not a nice person. Things got so bad that I ended up with depression and I went minimal contact with her 7 years ago. DH realised how abusive she was and he supported me but he still carried on having a relationship with her. I didn't want him to stop seeing his mother, especially as she lives alone.

MIL has been fine health wise but she had a fall last weekend and went into hospital. Today we have been told by doctors that she is terminally ill. She is 78 and has maybe 2-3 months left. My DH is devastated.

At one point in life I hated MIL but I came to forgive her and I now have no feelings towards her whatsoever. I don't like her and I don't hate her. I feel guilty that I feel this way and in a different world I would have loved to have had a good relationship with her and cared for her at this stage in her life. My DH is really upset and I don't know how to navigate the situation. For the last 7 years I've only visited her twice a year but I feel like I need to go see her more often, my DH will definitely be stepping up his visits. I just don't know what to do.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do?

Thanks.

You need to support your husband but I wouldn't be visiting any more than you do.

Would she want to see you in her vulnerable state?

I guess I would take my cues mainly from what my DH wanted and also consider what my MIL wanted. Does it seem like she would like to be seeing you more often during this period?

This.

Your husband needs you, she does not.

Your main job here is to support your husband and your child.

My ex's parents were pretty awful. His dad was hospitalized for some time before he died and both ex and I visited him in the hospital, but I was mostly there to support ex.

I have no idea what she would like but I feel like if I don't step up for her now I will end up with regrets later on in life. I know that sounds selfish but that's just the way I'm currently feeling. I feel DH would like me to go with him to see her more often but he would never say it or force me to because he's seen how much she made me suffer.

Does she know she's dying?

If you genuinely have reached a point where you have no feelings towards her - don't like but don't hate - then if it were me I would start going with DH on some of his visits.
You'd be doing it for his benefit.
Sitting by the bedside of a dying parent is truly awful, and having someone there to hold your own hand makes a big difference.
You don't need to go every time, but every so often would make a big difference to him.

Support your DH, if that means having to visit MIL with him do it for him not her. If she needs shopping or admin tasks done and DH is too busy, help out but only to save him the job if that makes sense?

My MIL never seemed that fussed for me as I wasn't the producer of granddaughters, I reciprocated by not being fussed with her but do visit her in the care home with DH but it is 100% only to keep him company. I also do all her financial admin things but again it's only because DH hates paperwork.

Offer to pick her up some nighties, biscuits, magazines. Ask your DH how he feels. Don't focus on the past (it's the past). Do they things your DH needs and if you see her and she's negative find a way to excuse yourself, (headache need to walk around the block).

I didn't get on with late exMIL. Practical things are best. They help your DH by taking that off his plate. They help MIL without proximity. They help you feel less guilty.

Get things, feed the cat, sort the paperwork etc. Be helpful but not necessarily very present.

I'd support my DH and continue with the same relationship that you have with her. Why should ill health change your relationship? You don't like her then, you don't like her now. Nothing to feel guilty about.

You do whatever your husband needs you to do with regard to his mum. It’s only for a couple of months but how you behave now will stay with your husband forever.

That's just martyrdom. Being the dutiful DiL now will only appease your conscience; there won't be a dramatic death-bed reunion, you'll just be runnung yourself ragged.
Support your DH, ignore her as before. No-one will judge if that's worrying you

What about if you went with him but only actually visited her for a shorter time?

went in with him to greet her. Stay for 10 minutes then offer to go get them coffee/something she fancies. Bring it back, stay long enough to drink the coffee with them. Head off and read a book, then drive home with DH when he is ready to leave?

Pop in with something she’d like but only stay a few minutes etc.

that way you know you were kind to her but you aren’t compromising yourself. Also your DH will feel supported by your presence.

Support your dh in his sadness. Facilitate his visits to his dm by making it easy for him to go and see her. You don’t have to see your mil.

I have no idea what she would like

To be honest I think that really should be your starting point. If the two of you have never got on (rather than that she's obliviously difficult and it's not specifically directed at you) then she won't appreciate a massive change at this point and it could just make the last few months unnecessarily stressful for you both.

How you're feeling is completely understandable but I don't think it's the time to try to re-write history. It's just about letting her have as peaceful a last few months as possible. And for that I would take your cues from your husband and let him know you're there to support whatever he would like to do.

Let your DH lead the way.
You don't owe your MIL anything so don't feel guilty.

You owe it to yourself to behave in a way that becomes you.
Treat a dying mother of your husband with respect.
Your husband will communicate what he needs to get through the difficult few months.

It will be hard to see him so sad for someone who was not nice to you. Keep remembering that she is his only mother.

Concentrate on practical help that really makes a difference but is not emotionally draining. - cooking, driving, going through old photos and stuff with DH, mowing the lawn etc.

Just remember that cancer doesn’t make someone a nice person. She is who is has always been.
Just love and support your husband . That’s enough.

Do you think she is aware you are low contact due to her behaviour? My relative who is a narcissist would not think it was anything to do with their previous behaviour so you could just increase the visits and do the helpful bits like bringing clean clothes and food. It is about support for your dh really, it’s a difficult time to go through.

Priority is your husband and child, can you have an honest conversation with your husband as to what he would prefer. He might prefer to go to the hospital alone for all you know.

Whatever you do, it’s only going be for two or three months. If you can, I’d try and put the past behind you, if only because it will make your DH’s life easier.

I really do sympathise, and it doesn’t change how she was to you, but you don’t want to be left with regrets about things you can’t fix with her when she’s gone. Your DH will appreciate it, which is more important.

You support your DH at home . Being terminally ill doesn't suddenly make her a good person.

I'd visit, then make myself busy by running your house, looking after your child and taking all pressure off your DH. If you accompany your DH and DC to visit MIL, make yourself busy in her house/hospital, tidying/taking washing etc. Sometimes anything you do/don't do gets thrown back in grief. Life shouldn't stop for your DC, but you can pack your DH off with food etc and a hug. She might very quickly be quite out of it, if she is on morphine, or as things progress.

I'd ask DH what he wants it needs from you, and do that.