Not sure how to deal with terminally ill MIL

[Asvan]

Hi all,

I have known MIL since I married DH 15 years ago. From day 1 she did everything to make my life hell. She is a narcissist and very manipulative and she enjoyed causing trouble between me and DH. She never made any effort with my DC and is just generally not a nice person. Things got so bad that I ended up with depression and I went minimal contact with her 7 years ago. DH realised how abusive she was and he supported me but he still carried on having a relationship with her. I didn't want him to stop seeing his mother, especially as she lives alone.

MIL has been fine health wise but she had a fall last weekend and went into hospital. Today we have been told by doctors that she is terminally ill. She is 78 and has maybe 2-3 months left. My DH is devastated.

At one point in life I hated MIL but I came to forgive her and I now have no feelings towards her whatsoever. I don't like her and I don't hate her. I feel guilty that I feel this way and in a different world I would have loved to have had a good relationship with her and cared for her at this stage in her life. My DH is really upset and I don't know how to navigate the situation. For the last 7 years I've only visited her twice a year but I feel like I need to go see her more often, my DH will definitely be stepping up his visits. I just don't know what to do.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do?

Thanks.

Agree. It sounds like this is a panicky response from DH, he won't yet have had time to give it much thought or do research. Where would she be if not at yours OP?

It’s a couple of months. I’d suck it up and save my DH a lifetime of regret.

@NWQM and @thepariscrimefiles are right. End of life care at home is very, very hard for the carers and isn't always best for the patient. People will tell you that you will be supported by MacMillan, District nurses etc but in many if not most cases the reality is different. Depending on what is available locally you can find yourselves waiting hours for pain relief or help with toileting.

I would be inclined to explore moving MIL to a care setting nearer to you but if this means a complete change in her care team, it might not be the best option. If he can, your DH needs to get his head round the realities and the practicalities so that he can do what's actually best for his mum, not what's most convenient for him.