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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure how to deal with terminally ill MIL

78 replies

Asvan · 18/02/2025 00:43

Hi all,

I have known MIL since I married DH 15 years ago. From day 1 she did everything to make my life hell. She is a narcissist and very manipulative and she enjoyed causing trouble between me and DH. She never made any effort with my DC and is just generally not a nice person. Things got so bad that I ended up with depression and I went minimal contact with her 7 years ago. DH realised how abusive she was and he supported me but he still carried on having a relationship with her. I didn't want him to stop seeing his mother, especially as she lives alone.

MIL has been fine health wise but she had a fall last weekend and went into hospital. Today we have been told by doctors that she is terminally ill. She is 78 and has maybe 2-3 months left. My DH is devastated.

At one point in life I hated MIL but I came to forgive her and I now have no feelings towards her whatsoever. I don't like her and I don't hate her. I feel guilty that I feel this way and in a different world I would have loved to have had a good relationship with her and cared for her at this stage in her life. My DH is really upset and I don't know how to navigate the situation. For the last 7 years I've only visited her twice a year but I feel like I need to go see her more often, my DH will definitely be stepping up his visits. I just don't know what to do.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do?

Thanks.

OP posts:

Crayfishforyou · 18/02/2025 07:53

OP just remember even though she is terminally ill, her personality is the same.

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 18/02/2025 07:55

Do you have any reason to think that she wants things to be different between you? If not you would just be imposing yourself on her because you're worried that you might feel bad in the future.

By all means get DH to sound out whether she's open to seeing you but be prepared for a 'no'. In the meantime concentrate on supporting him.

cheezncrackers · 18/02/2025 07:58

I would focus on supporting your DH, rather than upping your visits to her, which would only be because she's dying and tbh that seems a bit disingenuous to me. If you don't like the woman and chose not to see her for years, then why would you suddenly start seeing her more regularly? How you can help though is by giving DH more of a break from home duties and picking up more of those yourself. If she only has 2-3 months to live, it won't be for long.

ThisHeartySloth · 18/02/2025 08:36

I think, at this last stage of her life, you have to do what you will feel comfortable looking back on. Your husband has to also feel comfortable looking back on what he does. They're likely to be very different. He's likely to feel he wants to see her very regularly, and you might feel you can support him in this by making sure your children and home are looked after, and he doesn't have to worry about this at all. You might want to go with him / your children sometimes to visit. She might reflect on things and want to talk to you (but then again she might not!). I just recommend you act in a way you'll feel OK looking back on in the future. Best wishes to you and your family

MILLYmo0se · 18/02/2025 08:40

Asvan · 18/02/2025 00:59

I have no idea what she would like but I feel like if I don't step up for her now I will end up with regrets later on in life. I know that sounds selfish but that's just the way I'm currently feeling. I feel DH would like me to go with him to see her more often but he would never say it or force me to because he's seen how much she made me suffer.

You can't make this all about you though, just because she's dying doesn't take away her autonomy, she may not have any interest in spending what time she has left with you. If she does and you want to great, but your role is to support your husband by facilitating his spending as much time with her as he can and supporting him emotionally.
You don't need to feel guilt or regret, you had valid reasons to distance yourself, her dying doesn't change how she choose to treat you.

Huckleberries · 18/02/2025 08:55

Recently knew someone for whom a terminal diagnosis of similar time became 18 months. Just something to be aware of.

I'd follow your DH lead.

GoldenNuggets08 · 18/02/2025 09:44

It's really not about your regrets to be honest. I think it would be pretty disingenuous to start visiting her more often now for that reason. Find out if she actually wants you to visit! And support your husband.

BlueMum16 · 18/02/2025 09:49

paranoiaofpufflings · 18/02/2025 01:09

If you genuinely have reached a point where you have no feelings towards her - don't like but don't hate - then if it were me I would start going with DH on some of his visits.
You'd be doing it for his benefit.
Sitting by the bedside of a dying parent is truly awful, and having someone there to hold your own hand makes a big difference.
You don't need to go every time, but every so often would make a big difference to him.

This is a perfect way to support your DH.

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/02/2025 09:50

I'd focus on supporting your husband. Horrible people don't stop being horrible when they're very ill. Your under no obligation to harm yourself.

Hoppinggreen · 18/02/2025 09:52

Support your H but nothing more
Dying people don't grow a halo so don't feel under any obligation to do anything you don't want to

Rictasmorticia · 18/02/2025 09:54

I understand exactly how you feel being in a similar position in the past. You now have to wipe the slate clean and support your husband. You don’t have to emotionally engage with her nor feel any real sympathy. Just go through the mechanics of the dutiful DiL.

Prepare for her to be just as nasty as ever with you. Just because she is dying won’t turn her into a nice person. Your DH might even get to witness her behaviour up close.

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2025 10:01

Hoppinggreen · 18/02/2025 09:52

Support your H but nothing more
Dying people don't grow a halo so don't feel under any obligation to do anything you don't want to

Absolutely. She won’t suddenly become saint like. Do what your DH needs. Don’t worry about regrets later in life, she sounds like a horrible person.

prelovedusername · 18/02/2025 10:13

Rictasmorticia · 18/02/2025 09:54

Prepare for her to be just as nasty as ever with you. Just because she is dying won’t turn her into a nice person. Your DH might even get to witness her behaviour up close.

This. Go through the motions OP. She will be gone soon, don’t let her legacy be something which comes between you and your DH.

zingally · 18/02/2025 10:45

You don't need to care about her. Your lack of care towards her is merely natural consequences.
But you do care about your husband. What can you do for him that might help these next couple of months go easier? What can you do at home that will give him more time and space to focus on his mum? What might he need/want when he gets home from hospital visits etc?

BIossomtoes · 18/02/2025 10:49

You carry on doing what you’ve always done. Mil doesn’t like you and is unlikely to want to see any more of you now she’s dying. All you can do is support your bloke and facilitate him seeing her and doing as much for her as he wants to.

Elsvieta · 18/02/2025 21:30

Encourage DH to go and be with her as much as he wants and pick up the slack at home; just support him, not her. Does she even want you to go and visit? If she was horrible to you, she presumably doesn't like you. I wouldn't feel bad about it.

Original poster

Asvan · 18/02/2025 22:29

Hi all, a little update:

Doctors are going to discharge her over the next few days, so she can come home. She most likely has 2-3 months left.

I spoke to DH today about how he wants me to support him going forward. He said in an ideal world he would like her to come and stay with us these last few months (we have ample space) as he can't bare the thought of her being on her own at this stage in her life. He said when he is there all he thinks about is me and DC and when he is at home all he thinks of is MIL. He said it would take a huge weight off his mind if she can be with us.

Practically this would be possible as we both work from home, so someone is always here and we wouod still have carers in place who would come and do her personal care. MIL will be heavily drugged so she won't need entertaining and will be in a room that's a bit separate to the rest of the house.

I know DH would love this but I really don't know how to feel. He knows our history and how i feel aout MIL and has asked me to consider this, he said he would totally understand if I said no. If it was my parent I would obviously want them to be with me but because of my relationship with MIL I feel very conflicted.

OP posts:

Hercisback1 · 18/02/2025 22:31

Oh gosh, no idea what I would do. You sound so conflicted about the whole situation. Sending you lots of love to get through, whatever the next few months brings.

LeaveALittleNote · 18/02/2025 22:33

That’s a tough one. I don’t think I could stand to have MIL in our house like that, even in her last months, as knowing my luck I’d end up preserving her in some way and she’d outlive all expectations.
I wonder if you could compromise and say she can come to yours in a month or so, or when she reaches a certain level of ill health.

BIossomtoes · 18/02/2025 23:16

He said it would take a huge weight off his mind if she can be with us.

For the sake of literally a few weeks I’d suck it up and do it for your bloke. If carers are doing her personal care and she will be away from the rest of the house you can have as much or as little contact as you want. He’ll never forget that act of kindness.

Enough4me · 18/02/2025 23:31

I couldn't deal with it, based on her previous behaviour, but I'm quite direct and would always have been upfront on how I could help (practically at a distance). You may have patience and a higher tolerance level than me (if not, say no!).

Original poster

Asvan · 19/02/2025 00:24

as knowing my luck I’d end up preserving her in some way and she’d outlive all expectations.

This made me chuckle but seriously it's a worry I have too. She could potentially last a lot longer than the prognosis.

It's a really tough decision to make but looking at how upset and stressed my DH has been I am giving it some serious thought.

OP posts:

JennySayQuoi · 19/02/2025 00:33

The fact that your DH would understand if you said no is why you should say yes! It means he will (or should) appreciate you for it, and if it were ever necessary to do the same for your parent, there would be precedent for him agreeing. I agreed to FIL moving in on the understanding that I would expect the same if my parents needed it.
I'm not saying it's easy (FIL lived 10 years - and I'm not trying to scare you, it doesn't sound as though she has that long) but you may in this way come to an understanding with her over the past, if she is looking back at her life. You may even get an apology for past behaviour, if she is not too drugged-up to do so. You would also be showing your DC how to look after you in the future.
I know you're conflicted about this, and I'm not actually telling you what to do, though it might have come across like that! But 2-3 months is nothing, in the scheme of things, and I believe you shouldn't regret what you did, just what you didn't do...

Namechange546 · 19/02/2025 00:37

I understand you husband's pain and your dilemma. However, you also need to think of your children. I don't think you've mentioned their ages but how will they cope with the disruption of having their grandmother their, carers in several times a day and seeing death and grief at such close quarters. How will they cope afterwards knowing that their GM died in their home?

Is a hospice an option if your MIL is so heavily sedated?

hereismydog · 19/02/2025 00:41

I cannot bear my MIL, haven’t seen or spoken to her in four years (neither has DP) but if I found myself in the same situation and DP wanted her to live with us for some reason then I would agree if it meant a lot to him. You could have as much or as little interaction with her as either of you see fit.

If you do go down that road, I would make it crystal clear that you are not going to provide any sort of personal care for her.

Best wishes to you all

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