Not sure how to deal with terminally ill MIL

[Asvan]

Hi all,

I have known MIL since I married DH 15 years ago. From day 1 she did everything to make my life hell. She is a narcissist and very manipulative and she enjoyed causing trouble between me and DH. She never made any effort with my DC and is just generally not a nice person. Things got so bad that I ended up with depression and I went minimal contact with her 7 years ago. DH realised how abusive she was and he supported me but he still carried on having a relationship with her. I didn't want him to stop seeing his mother, especially as she lives alone.

MIL has been fine health wise but she had a fall last weekend and went into hospital. Today we have been told by doctors that she is terminally ill. She is 78 and has maybe 2-3 months left. My DH is devastated.

At one point in life I hated MIL but I came to forgive her and I now have no feelings towards her whatsoever. I don't like her and I don't hate her. I feel guilty that I feel this way and in a different world I would have loved to have had a good relationship with her and cared for her at this stage in her life. My DH is really upset and I don't know how to navigate the situation. For the last 7 years I've only visited her twice a year but I feel like I need to go see her more often, my DH will definitely be stepping up his visits. I just don't know what to do.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do?

Thanks.

Did he have your back and stick up for you when she was abusing you ?

or was he a useless victim ?

It may be hard work being kind to your undeserving MIL and supporting your DH. But I think you will have the rest of your life to be glad you did it, and DH should always appreciate it.
Best of luck. It’s hard, but I’m glad I did it.

Since she hasn't got too long left, I would be there to do what you can. No need to go overboard but I think I'm the circumstances you should probably do your bit and be there for your husband. It is his mum after all and I'm sure youd like him to be there if the roles were reversed. You could definitely take breaks from it, if it gets a bit much for you, you have to look after yourself too

That is a huge ask OP.
Caring for a dying person at home is extremely stressful - even when you love them to pieces.
If you don't like the person, it becomes very wearing and exhausting very soon and resentment can increase rather than decrease.
Will carer's be with her 24/7?
If not, who will attend to her needs when they aren't there?
She may well be receiving regular/constant drugs but that doesn't necessarily mean she'll be oblivious and out of it.
Not an easy position for any of you to be in.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

It's a really tough decision to make but looking at how upset and stressed my DH has been I am giving it some serious thought.

If you do agree there needs to be a very serious talk between you and DH about expectations and limitations. In particular how would it be dealt with if she started abusing you again? How are mealtimes going to work? Who will do her washing? Carers can't be there 24/7, how is it going to work when she needs help and they're not? How much will she be involved in family life, will she expect to be with you pretty much all the time for company, will she expect that DH will spend all his free time with her?

You do also need to agree on how to manage the impact on the children. She has never shown any interest in them, to them she will be a virtual stranger. Don't let her start demanding that they visit her.

I'd say to have a good think about it too before having her at home with ye. And to be ok with who's going to take on the work and the possibility of her living longer 6 months+. It does happen. It will take more of an emotional toll having her in the house too but it could also be something your husband feels that he needs to do for her. It is his mum after all. But as long as he will be helping you too

MIL (wonderful woman) was given 6 months and lived 15. If you can live with MIL for 6 months, rather than the 2 she's been given, I'd have her there. But don't say yes unless you are very sure you can.

And I'd have a very honest conversation with DH about red lines. Affects the children, or she needs personal care when he's not there, or a host of other things, there needs to be a plan.

Will carers provide overnight care? - if not, how will her night time needs be met?
And, it will be doubly difficult trying to move her out if it isn't working for any of you, once you've moved her in.

@Asvan

its simple

suck it up for 2/3 months
thats easy

be kind despite what she has done or does
why would her behaviour define you.
then she wins.

also will be supporting DH.

if you don't mind me saying, this isn't about you, or how you might feel in future, whether you'll feel guilty or otherwise is beside the point.

This is about your DH and his DM.

Supporting him, but without the need to start paying her visits that you wouldn't be doing if she was well, is the most healthy way to keep your boundaries in place.

based on your update, that's a different situation to what your OP said. If you will have carers helping with your MIL because she is that ill, then it's probably going to be something to put up with for the next few months

can she even go home alone if you say no? I guess the other option is DP moves in with her. She may deteriorate faster. Your DP may say he understands if you say no but the realiity is he will find it hard if you say no. Will you get support if she comes to you? Who will help her with her personal needs etc?

Support your husband. You take up the load of running the family when he needs to be with his mum.

I think you should support your DH here. Even think of it logistically and how much extra time you and your children will have with him if you do. If MIL goes home, your DH will have to spend lots of time there and possibly overnight. Could you put a boundary in place like once a week you, him and the kids do something together as a family?

I’d say what you’ve said here to your DH.

youve made your peace with her behaviour and want to support him so you will go with him from now on unless he tells you otherwise.
and of course if he wants to be alone that’s fine too - whatever he wants youll be led by him.
your main priority is supporting him through this

I think you’re doing the right thing to focus on supporting your DH. It’s also totally ok to feel indifferent about her as a person given the history.
(Honestly I find it so odd how someone can spend their life being an arsehole, then when they die people who hated them say what a lovely person they were!?)

I would say the prognosis ‘may’ humble his DM. I think people can change and terminal diagnosis can be a trigger for that. She could also get worse.

A compromise might be that you spend more time with MIL when he visits her to see how she responds, and if it’s positive, perhaps in a month (or sooner if she deteriorates) you might be open to having her at yours. My absolute hard no would be that I wouldn’t become her carer. I’d be willing to provide a loving home for her final days, but I wouldn’t wipe her arse & shower her. He needs to get carers in for all that.

I think you can be supportive to your husband, accommodating, but still maintain your own boundaries. I think I’d also say to him, it’s gonna be a stressful time and you won’t be falling out with him if his DM is a prick to you, simply, he would be expected to remind her she can die alone as sad old women or treat his wife with respect in her own home.

The other thing to consider is your DC. How will they feel living in a home their GM died in? Would this freak them out? Because that might be your hard no backstop. In which case it might be worth exploring hospice options.

What is the other option if she doesn't live with you? To go to her own home or would she go to a nursing home? Does she have support from a hospice? Does she have any other children apart from your husband?

I'd get some advice on hospice care before I agreed to that @Asvan.

Having someone die in your home can be traumatic, it's also relentless. In a hospice they are experts at making sure your family member is comfortable, with the best will in the world that's hard to replicate at home. It also means your family still has a place to decompress.

I had very little contact with my MiL, but when she was dying did try to be the biggger person and visit. I did lots of practical things , to support my DH and his sister, both of whom knew how toxic she could be, but also had some fond childhood memories which obviously I didn’t share. I’m not sure I’d have wanted her in my home, but fortunately that wasn’t necessary.

You just typed a passage of my experience with my MIL. She was horrifically abusive to me, and I went NC. She became ill & passed two years ago, within about 5 months.

I supported DH by looking after home & DC while he was freely able to concentrate on seeing MIL & helping FIL. I went to see her once a week in hospital & supported them through the funeral process. Tbh I felt nothing.

I would never have allowed her to live in my house. Not just for my own reasons but for DC. I could keep life somewhat normal at home, and shield them a little.

Don’t have her at yours, it will be horrendous.
I watched my beloved dad die last year. He was in a hospice for the last 2 weeks- definitely the right place. They won’t provide care for 2-3 months though.
In your shoes I’d say to your DH that he must be there as much as he can, take a leave of absence from work if needed. GP will sign him off with carer stress. He can move in with her to provide care and you keep the home fires burning.

Caring for a terminally ill person at home is a huge responsibility and requires a massive amount of love and commitment. People who provide this care for loving parents still really struggle with the reality of day to day care.

This is such a huge ask from your DH, knowing the history of your relationship with his mum. If she is heavily drugged, who will feed her and help with her toileting needs? Will your DH do all this or will he expect you to help? Will outside carers be coming into your home?

I would need to know exactly how much input was expected from me before I agreed to this. If my MIL had treated me and my children in the way that yours has done, I would probably say no to this.

Wouid it be possible to have her in a nursing home near you?

I loved my Dad and Mum with every fibre of my being. They were amazing. I could not though have worked and looked after my children who are challenging and given them appropriate palliative care at home. At the time I felt guilty but I look back and realise that the nurses and carers did it better than I ever could and my parents deserved that. We spent time with them every day. It was quality time. They played cards with their grandchildren or just watched a film with us etc. it was the saddest but also most magical of times.
.
We were helped - our children were 5 and 3 when my Dad died via Winston's Wishes. It may help your husband to begin to help the children.

I have read all your posts but not all the responses on her so I am sorry if I repeat anything but please - before you make the decision that you care for her palliatively - sit down with a McMillan nurse or similar. Your husband may want to do it but can he? Carers will come in at best 4 times a day. And that could be a battle.To be blunt will he wipe her arse in between times. In the middle of an on line meeting (or what ever he does) will he put his clients on hold to mop up vomit? He needs to think of the practical stuff and may need to frankly 'get over himself' and really think of his Mum

I did loads - including practical stuff when nurses were busy. It was a privilege. I go to go home and sleep though and recharge my batteries.

I would honestly look at his Mum going into appropriate care. At least look if you haven't visited any....Mum's wasn't cheap but was like a 5 star hotel. She didn't go in for long and she deserved every penny spent on it. Your husband needs to think about getting over his feelings and looking at the quality of the hoists, that they may have rising baths so she can enjoy one instead of a bed bath etc. She will have potentially 24 hour company - is he going to do that

I sound harsh but in part this is because you will be making a huge enough sacrifice for a woman who doesn't seem to have contributed to your emotional wellbeing to have such credit in the bank to now draw upon.

I suggest a compromise. Get her discharged to her own home and when she gets really bad have her to you for the last week or so. By that time you will have had a better understanding of her daily needs and an idea of how long she would have to be with you.

i admire you for even giving it some consideration. Her cruel behaviour is coming back to bite her.

It’s actually coming back to bite her son, unfortunately.