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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't want my friend to see my house

98 replies

CrossCountryWoosh · 17/02/2025 23:18

I bought a house 20 years ago. There ended up being a lot of unexpected work, bad workmen, and life happened, babies, relationships ended, wage cuts and health challenges all of which mean that the house is still an absolute mess. Stuff I did manage to do eg a new kitchen now need replacing. Last year I finally got enough money to replaster my bedroom after living with bare bricks/half plastered for 20 years. I was so excited! Still no carpet but it was nicely decorated. Only now the wallpaper needs to come down because it's got mould.
Now the boiler is on its last legs so that needs replacing before I can look to decorate my bedroom again. You get the idea.
I know I am lucky to have a house that is safe and affordable but I'm ashamed that it's such a state. My 15 year old son won't have friends round because of it. Admittedly he reckons that all his friends have their own private balconies and live in 7 bed houses so I would never live up to his expectations anyway! FYI his room has always been prioritised.
So now an old friend is coming over from abroad for work. She wants to visit me while she's in the country. She keeps pushing to see my house. I have said absolutely no to her staying here to try to put her off but she has been sending me links to local hotels. I'd love to see her but I don't want her to see how we have to live. I have stayed with her a couple of times for holidays so I do feel unreasonable. I have said the house is a work in progress but she doesn't care and has been very clear she wants a nosey. That would be fine if my house was scruffy but had carpets, door handles and walls that weren't chipped and curtains that haven't been ripped by the dog...
It's clean and tidy but still so, so embarrassing.
I'm doing my best but finances, energy and everytime I do something it never works out.

OP posts:
FairBrickBiscuit · 17/02/2025 23:22

I’m sure she wouldn’t judge you.

But if you really can’t face it, tell her honestly why? You’re entitled to your boundaries.

CleverButScatty · 17/02/2025 23:24

Is it really that bad? Instagram etc would have us believe most folk live in show homes, but that's far from reality.
In my circle of friends their is one person whose whole house is flashy (paid for by hideous levels of debt). Most people have houses where a couple of rooms have been modernised in recent years, some a bit further back and some which are desperate. My parents have finally replaced their avocado green 70s bathroom suite this year, because it has only just stopped being serviceable. The house is generally neat and tidy. Kitchen is about 15 years old but presentable. This is all normal.
If it's not dirty etc I doubt they will think anything of it...

Hattieandcake · 17/02/2025 23:29

I honestly don’t think it matters as long as it’s clean and tidy. I prefer some houses that are not all done up grey new builds as you can feel the love more.

Kitkatcatflap · 17/02/2025 23:36

I had this recently, we took on a house that hadn't been lived in since the 80s and quickly we ran out of steam and out of money. I wanted to have some people round and decided to bite the bullet and invite them. I am so glad I did, I went along the lines of ...... Look we have no floor etc, everything needs decorating, so if those things bother you. People came, we had a great evening and I plan to do it again soon.

It sounds as your friend wants to see you and your son. You have clearly known her for a long time. Be honest with her, say the house needs so much work doing perhaps she'll feel more comfortable in an hotel. Give her the option otherwise, I think you are being a bit cheeky refusing her when you have stayed with her.

LittleGreenDragons · 17/02/2025 23:38

Last year I finally got enough money to replaster my bedroom after living with bare bricks/half plastered for 20 years. I was so excited! Still no carpet but it was nicely decorated. Only now the wallpaper needs to come down because it's got mould.

Oh that is such a shame. Just for future though new plaster takes a very long time to dry out enough to decorate, sometimes months. Can you borrow a dehumidifier to save some of it?

Also a lot of carpet places have very large offcuts going very cheaply and will throw in free underlay. All my rooms have been offcuts but I'm not fussy about the rooms all having the same colour flooring. Worth a thought next time you have some free cash. I'm talking just over £100 for a 12x11 room btw, E,Mids.

As for friend just say sorry but not this time, let's meet at a pub or cafe etc.

NattyTurtle59 · 17/02/2025 23:42

Only you know your friend well enough to know if she is the type to judge your home OP. If she isn't the type then invite her to your house, if she is a judgemental sort then don't, it's only going to make you feel bad. I couldn't care less what someone's house looks like myself, it's the welcome I remember, not the decor, but we are all different.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 17/02/2025 23:43

I hear you OP. We bought a fixer upper too because we wanted space, but the babies we had back then are now graduates and the house is still a work in progress. We're in desperate need of windows, replastering, a drive that isn't like a farm track and I'm also too embarrassed to have people here. My dogs are my world but they don't help matters by running sideways on wooden floors and jumping up at doors.

Every time we make progress or even a plan something else crops up that has to be prioritised. It's draining, but I do love the place.

I know that some of it is in my head as I notice things visitors perhaps wouldn't, but I can't help how I feel, so I'm honest and say I'm embarrassed so can we do lunch somewhere or something instead. My good friends think I'm crackers and have been briefly on occasions to drop stuff off and always comment on how lucky we are, but they understand how uncomfortable I am and don't push for more than I can give.

Explain to your friend exactly as you have on here..I doubt it's anywhere near as bad as you think, but that doesn't matter its what you're comfortable with that's important.

WigglyVonWaggly · 17/02/2025 23:46

It’s really not on for anyone to impose themselves by pushing and pushing to get their way when it’s clear someone is uncomfortable. It’s really poor etiquette. You don’t want her there - your home, your call. That’s separate to whether you’re worrying too much and should just let her come anyway. You are clearly dealing with someone nosy who just won’t take no for an answer. Tell her, “I know you really want to look round my house but I really don’t want to host guests while work is ongoing. It’s not an option. I’d love to see you at [suggest a few places].”

healthybychristmas · 17/02/2025 23:47

OP, would it be better to sell up and start somewhere else? It sounds like an awful lot of work still needs to be done. I think I might cut my losses.

Franjipanl8r · 17/02/2025 23:48

If it’s warm and clean it’s fine.

ForFunGoose · 17/02/2025 23:49

A- you stick to your plan and meet friend outside the home. She will wonder why and it might be uncomfortable.

B- friend comes to the house, you make tea and explain the house is a work in progress.
It might be uncomfortable but friend will at least know the reason.

pick your discomfort and make peace with the situation. It’s not worth the stress and your friend could surprise you.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 17/02/2025 23:50

Also to add I think it was having someone openly say they "wanted a nosy" (arriving on the doorstep with flowers on moving day) that started my anxiety around it. A visit I'd have probably been fine but a nosy implied scrutiny and judgement. @WigglyVonWaggly has it spot on.

Hamletscigar · 18/02/2025 00:01

Please let her visit. You’ll damage your friendship if you don’t. There is something important in a friendship when you visit their home. Let her in and you’ll have a closer friendship; avoid it and you will have a colder friendship

Fencehedge · 18/02/2025 00:02

What's the dog doing up the curtains?

weirdoboelady · 18/02/2025 00:03

I am incredibly untidy, and very few people are allowed to see my house. It helped me to know that in Japanese culture, apparently people just don't entertain at home (shortage of space the main reason), and all social events tend to be held at restaurants. It just made me realise how quite a lot of our social norms are imposed on us and can be changed!

EconomyClassRockstar · 18/02/2025 00:12

Presumably, seeing as you've stayed with her overseas a couple of times, you're good friends? Just tell her, "Heads up, the house is a shit hole but if you're ok with that, I'd love to see you". And then be a warm and kind host. That's what she will remember, not the house. Unless she's a tool.

EdithBond · 18/02/2025 00:19

Don’t feel obliged to invite people to stay if you don’t want them to. But don’t be ashamed about the conditions, either. People should take you as they find you. If someone judges your home, having been invited into it, they’re the one with the problem.

If a home is healthy, happy and full of laughter, and the hospitality warm, that’s so much more comfortable than being in a sterile show home with an uptight atmosphere.

You’ll get it done in the end. But maybe replace the curtains. IKEA do relatively cheap ones. And improvise in the meantime to make it as comfy as possible, e.g. you may not be able to replace the kitchen, but you could paint it or replace only the worktop for now.

However, mould in a bedroom isn’t good. Depends on where the mould is, its surface area and its severity, as well as what type it is. Best to get that checked out and the best remedy you can afford.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/damp-and-mould-understanding-and-addressing-the-health-risks-for-rented-housing-providers/understanding-and-addressing-the-health-risks-of-damp-and-mould-in-the-home2

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 18/02/2025 00:19

Just say 'Friend, I'd love to have you visit and stay over, but in all honesty, I'm embarrassed by the state of the place. Tell her what's wrong, and then end by saying, I'll totally understand if you'd rather stay in a hotel and meet up there, but if you'd like to come, at least you know what to expect now'. A good friend will do their absolute best to put you at ease, she might say 'don't worry, it's fine, I understand and would still like to come', or she might say, 'No problem, happy to stay in a hotel, and we can get together there if you prefer'.

I used to live in an old house, which as a single woman I was struggling to afford all the work that needed doing, but gradually by learning how to DIY, I began to get some of the rooms done. Then, one day my boss came over to drop something off unexpectedly, we had a great relationship, so he quite naturally said 'Stick the kettle on, and let's have a cuppa before I head back to the office'. He was one of the head honcho's of the business, and earned mega bucks, while I was just a lowly secretary. I was really embarrassed, as to get to the kitchen, you had to walk through the worst room of the house, so of course I waffled on about the plans I had, but said that it would have to wait until I could afford it. To my surprise he said 'I really envy you, you know'. I said 'why on earth would you say that, when you've got everything your heart could desire?' To which he responded, 'but I was so much happier while I was having to work hard to get things, now it's all too easy, and doesn't mean nearly as much when you can just go out and buy anything you want, or need, whereas I can see that you're working hard to make this place into a home, and I would love to be in your shoes again.' Since then, I've stopped worrying about what people think of me or my home, as the chances are ,that even if they have nicer things than I do, they might not be nearly as happy.

Caiti19 · 18/02/2025 00:23

I'd just say straight out "So sorry I can't have you staying here at the minute. It's just not in a state where I'd enjoy welcoming anyone. I'm really looking forward to seeing you though, and would relish a night away in X place at the link you sent." Then bring photos that you can spend a few minutes showing her on night away and try to have a laugh about it.

I don't think you should be trying to force yourself to feel comfortable hosting her. A hard no is fine.

user1492757084 · 18/02/2025 00:29

Be excited to see your friend. Thank her for visiting.
Tell your friend that she is right to book a nearby hotel when visiting you because your home is not nice enough for habitation.. Say you are embarrassed by the progress you have not made and that you are much more comfortable planning to eat out with her.
Say she is welcome to see your home but this is what to expect - describe all the most unfinished parts.

Tell her it is just you who puts up with the state of your home and you'd prefer to keep it that way until you have finished it to the standard to which you are aiming - might take another decade.
Then book a nice restaurant/pub near her hotel, or indeed her hotel for eating out. Plan another sojourn to nearby historical or botanical attractions for a day with her as well..

WhenICalledYouLastNightFromTesco · 18/02/2025 00:34

Oh OP. If she is a friend then there will be no judgement whatsoever. You have done great, and as homeowners it is always a cycle of sorting one thing and then starting on something else. You should be proud.

I agree with a PP. Tell your friend exactly why you don't want them to visit/stay, but be open to them saying 'nonsense' or 'Don't be silly', because that is what a true friend would say.

Topsyturvy78 · 18/02/2025 01:33

She's coming to see you not your house. If she's a true friend she wouldn't judge. Sometimes life gets in the way. There's always something more important that needs paying for.

Glamiss · 18/02/2025 02:37

I wonder if there is a lot of self criticism and teenage mouth at the heart of this, rather than a house in a complete state. There is little criticism as harsh as that bestowed by a 15 year old on their mum, and if they pick a topic you're already sensitive about it can really sting. But he will grow up and get less judgy.

Things like missing carpet and door handles say work in progress, not laziness or low standards. If you're living on pathways through piles of hoarded boxes or have animal droppings and pants on the floor then don't invite her in. But if it's basically clean but a bit tired and cluttered, do you need to be this level of embarrassed about it? Having a kitchen getting round to needing a refresh is not a reason to avoid having someone over.

Your friend does sound a bit pushy and nosey, but I'm sure she is nice too. Could you be comfortable to show her the living room, kitchen and a loo? There is really no need to do a big tour and show her your bedrooms. She might angle for that but would she really barge into them if you explicitly said no, please don't?

Monty27 · 18/02/2025 02:47

@CrossCountryWoosh a friend wouldn't care less so long as it's welcoming. Clean cosy and warm with a stew, clean towels warm water and big hug.
Friends don't judge.

MsAmerica · 18/02/2025 03:13

CrossCountryWoosh · 17/02/2025 23:18

I bought a house 20 years ago. There ended up being a lot of unexpected work, bad workmen, and life happened, babies, relationships ended, wage cuts and health challenges all of which mean that the house is still an absolute mess. Stuff I did manage to do eg a new kitchen now need replacing. Last year I finally got enough money to replaster my bedroom after living with bare bricks/half plastered for 20 years. I was so excited! Still no carpet but it was nicely decorated. Only now the wallpaper needs to come down because it's got mould.
Now the boiler is on its last legs so that needs replacing before I can look to decorate my bedroom again. You get the idea.
I know I am lucky to have a house that is safe and affordable but I'm ashamed that it's such a state. My 15 year old son won't have friends round because of it. Admittedly he reckons that all his friends have their own private balconies and live in 7 bed houses so I would never live up to his expectations anyway! FYI his room has always been prioritised.
So now an old friend is coming over from abroad for work. She wants to visit me while she's in the country. She keeps pushing to see my house. I have said absolutely no to her staying here to try to put her off but she has been sending me links to local hotels. I'd love to see her but I don't want her to see how we have to live. I have stayed with her a couple of times for holidays so I do feel unreasonable. I have said the house is a work in progress but she doesn't care and has been very clear she wants a nosey. That would be fine if my house was scruffy but had carpets, door handles and walls that weren't chipped and curtains that haven't been ripped by the dog...
It's clean and tidy but still so, so embarrassing.
I'm doing my best but finances, energy and everytime I do something it never works out.

Since you've said that the house is clean and tidy, and you've said this is an old friend, I don't think you should be embarrassed. In fact, I suspect that your embarrassment is why your son caught the same attitude. Maybe you should tell your son that if he's so ashamed of the house that he's not bringing home friends, you're going to stop prioritizing his room.

Tell your friend that you feel the house isn't in a state for overnight guests, but you'd love to see her, if she's willing just to "confine herself to the public rooms" for dinner and sitting to chat. She will probably understand that a house can be an expensive, time-consuming, and entails constant disappointment from workmen. Instead of wailing about it, surely you have some funny/indignant stories, as I do, for her amusement.